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Okay...
I've made a few posts on reach out and a lot has happened since then lol So I have a girlfriend, we've been dating for nearly five months and I really love her, but bloody hell it's a lot of work sometimes. We've both had our fair share of mental health trouble and she's getting better, (I think) while I'm seemingly getting worse lol. A lot of the time she'll be feeling really shit and so will I, but I don't want her to think I'm trying to overshadow her so I just pretend I'm okay which takes a bit of a toll lol. Also, when she gets worried about someone (mainly me lmao) it manifests in anger which is sometimes hard to deal with if I feel like shit and she gets angry BC she's worried about me lol. We've both also struggled with eating disorders but while I'm still fairly healthy, she's chronically underweight and I don't how to help her. And I don't want to mention it because I know she's really insecure about her size (like height). Anyway, lots of pent up sad and shit lol. I'm on antidepressants since a few weeks ago but they don't seem to be doing much. Also I'm really shit at being angry. Like my mum always (indirectly) taught me that 'man angry at partner' = 'man abusive to partner' so I'm having difficulty expressing any anger or just negative feelings in general.
Anyway, that's about it Idk why I'm writing this, mainly just a rant but if u have advice on anything I'd love to hear it lol Thanks guys
Comments
Hi @Fern_Herring ,
Thanks for sharing, i'm really sorry that you've been going through all this, it sounds really rough.
It sounds like you and your girlfriend have both been struggling a lot with mental health recently, and I think it's super admirable that you both really want to support eachother.
I've also had the experience of going through mental health challenges at the same time as my loved ones, and I really understand just how complicated it can all get. I've also recently had the experience of supporting someone close to me with an eating-disorder. I think it's incredible that you're doing well with this at the moment, but I really do empathise with how emotionally taxxing it is to support someone who's really struggling with an eating-disorder. It absolutely is a case in my experience where it's really important to be there for them, care for them, and encourage them to seek professional support. It sounds like you really care about your girlfriend, and it sounds like you're doing a great job of all these things already. Definitely check out the resources that @Stormy-RO linked, they're fantastic!
Please take some time to look after yourself while you're going through all of this. Spend some time with other friends and family, or do something you really love doing. It's so so important to take some time for you to look after yourself when things are rough.
All of this is to say that I really empathise with you. I'm thinking of you and sending lots of good vibes your way while you're dealing with this 💛.
Just touching on the bit about your mum and her indirectly teaching you that an angry man is an abusive man, just know that while it can happen this is not always the case.
You are allowed to feel angry at your partner, it is totally valid. It is the way that you handle that anger that is the difference between anger and abuse. If you can learn to utilise healthy communication of that anger and work towards resolution with kind and constructive words, there is no place for abuse. Abuse comes with lack of patience and angry words and behaviours that have intent to harm others. Please keep this in mind and know that is it ok to express anger or frustration. As you've mentioned, pent up anger can lead to harm.
Hey @Fern_Herring it's great to have you back 😊
It sounds like it's been a rocky few months with your mental health and looking to support your girlfriend. What I can see is how much it means to you to be there for her and to make sure she is supported, which is very admirable. It also sounds like there are moments where she wants to support you and you find this difficult to deal with when you're feeling worse. This is understandable too, and it can be tough to find a balance between the two, especially if her worry manifests as anger which proves even more difficult for you to manage. I was wondering if you two have been able to communicate the ways that best work to support each other when things are difficult, whether that be giving space or helping out in other ways?
I also see that you have both struggled with eating disorders in the past and you don't know how to help your girlfriend. I was curious to know if your girlfriend has ever sought out professional support for her mental health? We have an article on how to help a friend with an eating disorder which may be helpful. Alternatively, the Butterfly Foundation has a helpline and webchat which is available for free for those struggling with or supporting someone with an eating disorder.
I also noticed that anger is a big feeling coming up for you too and it's difficult to manage because of what your mum has said to you in the past. It makes sense that negative feelings might be tough when you haven't been taught how to express them healthily, and I was wondering if there's anything that helps before or during these moments that you can fall back on? We have another article on how to deal with anger which might have some strategies in it that you can use.
We're also sending you an email to check in, could you keep an eye out for that?
I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts!