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TW: Depression, work and anything in between
Hi Everyone,
I just thought I might come here to say Hi and a few things that have happened over the past two weeks.
Firstly my depression, I'm not sure where I'm going with it. I feel stuck. I feel alone and sad most days, and I want to cry. I thought things might improve after being in the hospital, but I don't think they have. I wish there was something I could do to make things better. I'm trying so much to help myself, but nothing seems to be helping.
Secondly, work. Work has been awful since coming back. I had to work with a horrible colleague for five out of my past six shifts and didn't cope well at all. She was very passive aggresive and right out rude and mean to me. On Tuesday, when I was at work, I was asking her some questions, right, and you know what? She said, "My name just shut up. You're giving me a headache", so I did. All I did was ask a few questions as I'm still learning in my job. She has also said many other things over the past few shifts, which has been awful. I came home sobbing after each change, and then I was always so emotional the next day. I'm unsure if my depression was also a contributing factor because then I started to ruminate and spiral. Thank god I don't work again until next Wednesday.
I don't get why I go to school and get bullied there; management was terrible at my first job, and then my second set of two jobs last year where fantastic staff and colleagues were great. I don't know how much more I can take. I've sent a couple of emails to my team leader and the NUM, which is the Nurse Unit manager, if you didn't know. So hopefully, something I might come out of it.
Also, my aunt has been such a great support over the past nine months, maybe a little longer. She is going away for three weeks, so I'm not going to have as much support over the next few weeks, which is disappointing. I also had a chat with her and my uncle, I think, last week about how they will support me in the future as she will be working a lot more. She has just finished her uni course and will be doing an internship, two days of private practice and two days at her current job. So I will only be able to talk to her once every three weeks, which is a bit of a jump from when we talked every week.
The funny thing is, though, my uncle said we don't want you to feel abandoned. I was like yeah, I know all good. Deep down, I'm like, well, um, of course, I do. All this change so quickly is a lot. At least I still have my psychologists and my regular at Kids Helpline.
I'm also slightly worried about how I've been feeling the past week and a bit about my urge to SH. I haven't done it in two or three months, but things have been so stressful. I'm just not sure how to cope with it all. Also, my SI has increased a bit, so I'm just trying to monitor it over the next few days as I don't have work so I won't be as busy. When I am busy, I have less time to ruminate, but now with me not working until Wednesday, that is a lot of time to ruminate. I want to stay safe, which I am right now. Currently, I am just monitoring things, and I also have a check-in with my counsellor at KHL on Sunday. She said I could also call or web chat between our sessions if I feel like I am deteriorating or in a crisis.
Anyway, sorry for such a long post. So much seems to happen in such a short amount of time which is just great for me.
Hi @Red_Flamingo , I'm sorry to hear how you have been feeling and all the stuff you had to endure at work and school in the past few weeks. It sounds so exhausting having such unsupportive people around you who are harassing you in such an unwarranted way.
I'm glad to hear that you have personal and professional support around you, but I can also hear how the stress is starting to overwhelm you and you needed ways to cope for the time being. I was wondering if you had any activities or hobbies that you engaged with in the past during tougher times? Sometimes even just actively having a rest by lying down and watching Youtube can be the self-care you need.
I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
Hi @DDandy
The school was a few years ago but feels like yesterday. Work, however, was yesterday, my life right now. I know I don't understand what is wrong with my colleague. The thing that is worst right I work in an ED, and patients are quite close to us so that they can hear us. So when she is going off at me or telling me how to do something her way in a passive-aggressive manner, they can hear it. It's not fair on me or them to listen to her complaining. Let alone they could make a complaint, and then everyone gets in trouble.
Mmm, I don't know I mostly just cry, ruminate and make my life worse.
Thank you I hope you have a nice weekend as well.
Hey @Red_Flamingo
It sounds like a lot has been happening for you over the past few weeks which is a lot to be dealing with. Thank you for sharing this with us and for letting us know that you are safe, we really appreciate you letting us know.
I know you mentioned that you have been feeling stuck, alone and sad most days which I am sorry to hear. We all know just how hard you a trying to help yourself and keep yourself safe and even with everything going on, you keep trying – which shows just how strong you are and you should be really proud of yourself.
It sounds like work has been really difficult recently and that you’ve had some bad experiences with one of your colleagues. It is understandable how this would make you feel and the impact this is having on you. You have a right to feel safe at work and to be treated with respect and I am really glad to hear that you have contacted your NUM about this. I wanted to share a collection of resources we have around work with you which I thought might be helpful to have a look through. It includes some articles around your rights at work and some of the things you can do if you are experiencing bullying at work.
It is great that you have had the support from your aunty and it is understandable that you are concerned with how you might be when she goes away and the support for the future. I was wondering if you could maybe speak to your psychologist about this to help prepare for her trip and for when she returns. But as you mentioned, it is great that you will still have a strong support network around you with your psychologist and with Kids Helpline.
I know that you mentioned that you are worried about how you have been feeling the past week and encourage you to use your safety plan to keep yourself safe tonight. Are there any other things that you could do tonight to take care of yourself and keep yourself safe?
I have made some edits to your post to keep it confidential in line with our community guidelines.
Hi @Blake_RO
Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot.
I wish I felt proud. It just feels like a punch in the face. I thought things would start to get better after being in the hospital, which definitely doesn't seem to be happening.
I'll have a look at them after I send this. I hope she does something about it. I shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour.
Yes, I really don't know how things will go. I seem to be getting worse with each week that passes. I did tell her last week, and we talked about it today. She thinks I should be okay with it and that I'll see her weekly, so at least I have some consistency.
I wish I didn't need to rely on other people and could be strong enough just to help myself, which obviously I can't do right now, which sucks. I just want to get better, but nothing is working.
Um, I'm cooking dinner. Other than that, I don't have much to do. I want to cry and be in a big dark hole right now. I don't know why but I hate myself so much right now.
Hey @Red_Flamingo
No worries!
Sometimes it can be hard to feel proud of ourselves with everything going on which is why it can be helpful to take a step back and think about all the things that you have achieved or gotten through because all these little things add up!
Relying on people is something that we all do and it makes us human. It is okay (and very important) that we use our supports to help us get through things. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t strong or take away from who we are. In fact, asking for help and using supports isn’t an easy thing to do and that in itself is a sign of strength. We know that you have been through a lot and know just how strong and resilient you are.
I hope the resources are helpful for you and can give you some guidance around what to do. It is important that you are treated fairly at work and it should be a place that you feel safe and respected.
It’s good to hear that you will be seeing her more often and will have that consistent support.
Enjoy dinner and make sure to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself tonight. Do you think you could watch a movie/ TV show or even read a book after dinner? Remember that If you start to feel worse tonight or are needing some more support, that you can reach out to KHL or use your safety plan.
Hi @Blake_RO
Do you mean things happening throughout the day or just in general?
Yeah, I guess so. I don't want to be a burden to people, I suppose. I wish I could carry how I am feeling and not let it feel like the weight of the world is on me if you get what I am saying.
Yes, it's been good to look over the link you sent. I'll have a bit more of a look when I'm in a better frame of mind. I feel I'm in survival mode right now.
This probably sounds a bit contradictive, but just this past week, I've spoken to KHL twice and then my psych once. I am still struggling so much and want to call them after dinner, but I don't at the same time. My mind is very conflicted between being a burden and reaching out.
Yes, I'm just about to cook my burger now, and then I'll probably watch a bit of the good doctor and hope I don't start to ruminate anymore than I already am right now.
Hi @Red_Flamingo ,
I hear how difficult it can be to have those contradicting thoughts in your mind. That is, whether to reach out and risk being a ‘burden’, or not reach out and have that internal struggle.
Whatever it is, your feelings are valid. Your feelings are real. I am glad to hear you were able to speak to your psychologist as well as contact KHL. Speaking to someone can help take the edge off so that you are able to put some strategies in place to keep you safe. I recognise you spent some time watching tv yesterday. I hope you will be able to enact some of the other things on your safety plan.
When things are hard, and it feels you are in survival mode, I’d encourage you to take each moment by moment.
Yes very hard I never know which way to go.
I didn't talke to KHL yesterday. I just had a session with my psych. I'll see how things go today, but I do have a chat with my regular tomorrow.
I'm about to go see my aunt for breakfast and have a catch up with everything she has told me.
Yes just taking things one moment at a time.
Thank you
I've just been with my aunt so it was good to clear the air with how I felt about all the changes when she comes back@Chloe-RO
I didn't tell her though fully how bad things have been the past few weeks. I didn't need her to worry while she is away if something would happen.
I hope your having a good day!
Just catching up on the thread here. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. I'm hearing your pain and your struggle. A lot of what you're going through seems so unfair, and you don't deserve to be treated so poorly at work.
It sounds like you're a really resilient person and you've been trying so hard to make sure you have support for yourself. That's such a strength in and of itself and I'm so proud of you. I'm hearing that you feel like you don't want to be a burden and it makes you worry about reaching out more to people. I wonder what it would look like if you thought about it from their perspective? Would your aunt or psychologist or other supports want to look after you when you're feeling so low? It seems like they're all very supportive of you and would want to make sure you're ok.
You show a lot of courage reaching out and sharing your story. I'm glad the time spent with your aunt helped you a little today.
Spend some time tonight winding down doing something you enjoy. 💙
Hi @Anzelmo
Thank you. It hasn't been the best after coming off from not working for a month after being inpatient to be thrown in while there is a lot of shit going on. It's unfair, and I hope my boss can help fix or manage it.
I guess they do, but I don't know how much it would change my feelings. I don't know why I'm so conflicted about whether I am a burden. I think they would prefer to listen to me and help me than me being in the hospital from trying to hurt myself.
It was nice getting to catch up. I had a nice morning.
I wouldn't say I'm feeling that flash now, though. I'm trying not to cry and let myself ruminate any more than I already have. I feel like I'm going to start spiralling with I don't know how to avoid.
I'm just at home now, looking at med schools and how hard it is to get in. I'm currently doing my bachelor's degree, so I need to try and make my GPA as competitive as possible.
Hey @Red_Flamingo
Just catching up on the thread here.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with that at work... it's really horrible to not be treated with kindness and respect at a place of work (or really anywhere!)
Feeling like a burden is something that I feel can be a very common feeling for those who are the help-seekers so it's valid you feel that way. At the same time, I hope I can reassure you a little bit more that all of us in your support network are here to do just that - support! We would much rather help you be as healthy and safe as possible.
Wow, med school is very a very admirable aspiration. I just know that your hard work will pay off in some way in your future. You are so resilient and determined.
Motivation is definitely a hard one isn't it? I feel like we all lack it at different points of time. For me, I like to set smaller realistic goals for myself, rather than one big one. e.g. instead of 'i'm going to finish my assignment by Friday', I might say 'I'm going to finish writing this paragraph in the next hour'. It makes things a little less overwhelming and daunting to get going, and sometimes, that's just all you need to get yourself motivated! - to get started! Sometimes, that's the hardest step. I also like to treat myself and do something I enjoy for a while during breaks if I've done good work.
No matter what happens, I am proud of you. I'm proud of you for the effort you put into your work, your schooling, your mental health. I can see that you've taken so many steps to reach out and help yourself.
How are you feeling today? 💙
Hopefully your boss can manage you being off work while you were an inpatient. It can be challenging managing work and hospital stays but I know you are resilient.
I think your treating team would much rather listen to you and help you. It can be part of the process feeling like a burden but I can assure you you are not. Some people just feel that way sometimes but you shouldn't let that get in the way of you reaching out for support. You are proactive in reaching out for support in the past and here on the Forums which demonstrates your courage.
You aspiration for med school are very inspiring and I know you are committed to your studies. Looking for schools must be exciting about where you will spend your future and get your qualifications. Best of luck with your GPA and getting it as competitive as possible.
Take care
Pete- RO
Hi@Pete-RO
I'm not in hospital anymore. I was discharge maybe three ish weeks ago. My boss got all my shifts covered.
The problem with work is the coworker I've been working with has been very rude, obnoxious and passive aggressive. Which I shouldn't have to put up with. I've told my team leader and NUM so hopefully something will come out of it.
Med school is a long way off. I'm just looking at how hard the GAMSAT is to sit. If not I can just go into dietetics and do my masters.
Mmm today I'm not coping very well at all. I've lost all motivation to do anything and I feel so sad and alone. I just really want all these feelings to stop. It's just so overwhelming and I just want to cry so much.
I do have a session tonight with my regular at kids helpline so that will be good. I'm really trying to fight my SI and SH thoughts right now. I'm safe I'm just struggling a lot.
I still feel like a burden I don't think that's going to change I'm sorry,
Anyway hope your well!
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm waiting for KHL.
I'm a complete mess. I though cooking and doing things around my room would make me feel better, but I don't.
I can't sit down for five minutes without the need to cry. I hope I get through soon.
I'm so sorry you're in such a dark place at the moment. It's very frustrating and exhausting to try so hard to stay afloat and then have to deal with the anxiety of a rude co-worker so frequently as well. Just wanted to say, even though it doesn't feel like you're making progress, often we are entirely too close and too hard on ourselves to notice the substantial/meaningful steps forward we're taking. From an outsiders perspective, you're courage in reaching out, building a support network and looking into your future are already signs of progress. I can hear how much effort you're putting into every. single. day. and it is truly commendable 💙
However, I understand during the particularly tough moments it's difficult to see this. So for tonight, I'll say there is nothing wrong with you and you're allowed to cry if you need to, so please don't be too harsh on yourself. There was something someone told me a while back. It wasn't directly related to what I was going through but I realised it rang true on the days I was struggling a lot and felt alone. "You have to hold on to the little things for dear life." Whatever that is for you, whether it's an episode of Good Doctor, a kind comment/compliment or act someone directs at you, or just doing something to distract you from your thoughts momentarily. Take it day by day, even hour by hour. Hold on to those small moments of goodness/respite dearly to remind yourself there exists the possibility for more in life than what you are used to/expect.
I hope you managed to get in contact with KHL. Please keep us updated with how it goes and take care tonight 💛
Hi @sunset_hues
The job is hard enough with the added stress of my depression, on top of the coworker being awful. It has really affected me the past week.
Thank you. I guess those things are good, but I still feel like I've gone so far back. I was this bad in May, and that was so hard. I thought after being in Hospital in June that would help things. I'm only worse and back to then.
I just don't understand after I try so many things to try and help myself, reaching out, new med change, TMS, walking, meditation etc, nothing seems to help. I feel so broken and lost right now.
I will keep that quote thank you.
Yes, I did get through I had a chat with my regular. She is very worried, but I have a safety plan in place so things should be okay. I can always reach out again if I need to whether that is tonight or anytime during the week.
I see my psychologist on Wednesday so that's a good thing.
One question for you. How do you cope with motivation and not wanting to do things? I've really been struggling with motivation the past week. It's just been so hard to get up, shower and get dressed. I don't know why this is as I'm usually pretty good with self-care and all that. Do you ever struggle with motivation and self-care?
Thank you for your reply. Helps me feel a little bit less alone.
Especially since her comments were unprovoked and harmful enough to ruin your entire week ...I really hope your team leader/NUM are supportive and address your concerns because no one should be made to feel attacked at work.
I can see how much energy you're putting into trying to feel better, and I'm sorry things aren't working out how you want them to at the moment. But I'm glad to hear that you managed to get through to KHL and you have open lines of communication with both your KHL regular and psychologist, if you need them.
There are many things frustrating, demoralising and exhausting about dealing with depression and both of the things you mentioned (feeling like you're not making progress and a lack of motivation) is really up there on the list. Honestly motivation and self care (even eating meals etc) is one of the things I used to struggle with the most. It almost feels like you're completely inert and you can't find any energy to do anything at all. It's so hard and I still struggle with it time to time.
During these times I'd really scale down my expectations for the day and what I considered an achievement. One meal is better than nothing, reading for 5 mins is better than nothing. I also tried to be a little more self-compassionate. That really helped because I think the shame of "not even being able to do the basic things" + complete lack of reward for doing things was contributing to my lack of motivation. So instead, I expected setbacks and that some days/weeks would be bad, that falling off my routines from time to time was inevitable. And that's okay. But the most important part was the trying to get back on it. When I accepted that there'd be set backs, the amazing thing was eventually the length of the setback became shorter and affected me less. For the reward part I made an effort to keep a notebook of my achievements for the day, even if they were super small (had a snack, meditated for 5 mins) I'd write it down in that notebook. I'd pretend I was talking to a friend and hype the hell out of every single task I did and the smallest of differences it made to my mood or day or even if it affected someone else in some positive way "mum seemed really happy I made dinner today, it must've been a relief for her after such a stressful day at work". It felt really weird at first but I stuck with it and it started to help because I was seeing things I was doing could actually make a difference. And just like negative things can spiral, the small positive actions I was taking built momentum.
You said you you're usually pretty good with self-care, can I ask what you usually do to keep yourself sticking to your routines or stay motivated on the better days? Any tips for me? 😊
Hi @sunset_hues
Yes, anyway, I think I'm over the work stuff now. It's just the depression I'm focussing on. Hey, work may have triggered me to feel worse, but there are other reasons I could also be worse. My med change I've been on these meds for six weeks now, and each time I try a new one, things always get worse. Yes, it was good getting to talk to her. I really need it.
I know it's so hard I don't get why. Thank you for that, expect that it will happen. Maybe I need to do that more and also with the trying. I find it's just getting the motivation to do one thing. Take yesterday for an example. I was really struggling and still am today, but anyway. I need to cook something for my lunch this week and dinner last night. The first thing I did was just to get dressed and do my skincare routine, which felt like a massive challenge on its own. Though I got there and did it, went to the shop and came back and cooked. I did feel a little better while doing it, but afterwards, I was straight back to feeling sad, alone etc.
Hmm, well, with the motivation, I know when uni is on, I have to do it no matter what because I didn't want to fail, and I do like my course. Also, with work, I'm the same. I can't just wake up and be like oh, I don't feel good; I won't work today. In my job, I work in admin in an Emergency department, so my colleagues rely on me to turn up. I am less depressed when I am busy as I don't have to ruminate or sit and hate myself. As of right now, I'm on uni break and not working more than what I do at uni. So I have a lot more free time, which also contributes to why everything is so hard.
I'm not sure that would be helpful at all, sorry. I find myself being blunt when it comes to uni and work. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle to get out of bed, shower, do the uni assignments and lectures recording, take notes and go to work. I find myself knowing I need to do it if I want to pass and continue on with further study and work.
How are you today, @sunset_hues? Do you have many plans? I'm not sure what to do today. I hope I don't break down as much as yesterday.
Hey, I'm so sorry hear you are going through a tough time but you are really brave and courageous for reaching out and getting help. I am glad to hear that you have a supportive network and a safety plan in place.
Motivation is something I can relate and understand with. I have been told that motivation comes after you start doing, and yes that is hard to start doing. A small step forward is a still a step forward. I found that if I didn't want to get out of bed, sitting up and stretching my body made me feel like I moved my body. If didn't want to shower I splashed my face with water and used a cloth or even a wet wipe to feel clean that day. It was the small wins and steps that eventually led to me feeling motivated again.
Please keep us updated and any small or minor win is still a win 💚
Hi @Rara
Sorry just realised I didn't reply to your post this morning. How are you today?
Thank you just trying to get through each day as best I can.
Yeah, it's the doing that is the hardest. I find once I start something, I feel a bit better. Though after the fact and I've finished whatever I was doing, I do start to feel how I was before.
I think I need some more self-compassion which I'm not good at.
Hi @Red_Flamingo, that's all good and I'm good thanks.
I am glad to hear you're trying the best you can, that's all we can sometimes do.
That must be very challenging and I can understand completely. A friend would celebrate small victories even if they had to repeat it a thousand times until they felt they could take the next step. How do you celebrate yourself when you are feeling motivated and how could you apply that to those smaller victories?
Self-compassion is a difficult thing to do. What are some things you have tried to be self-compassionate?
Hi @Rara
I feel I'm just going through the motions right now.
I don't, really I'm so bad with self-compassion. When I talked about it with my psych or counsellor at KHL. I try challenging the negative thoughts and making them more positive. I didn't find it very helpful, and I felt it seemed fake when trying to say something about myself. I think after being bullied at school for about ten years, it's hard to see myself as anything different from how people treated me at school.
I haven't done much today other than have breakfast and lunch, got dressed and wash my towels. I still need to go to the chemist to get my meds. I have felt so defeated the past few days.
Can I ask do you work, in high school or uni? I'm 19 though I turn 20 in a couple of months.
What sort of routine do you have, that makes you feel you're going through the motions and is there anything that maybe you could switch up from that?
I am really sorry to hear that you were bullied for ten years. I understand why you struggle with self-compassion and challenging negative thoughts. I found when challenging thoughts and self-compassion, I would often ask myself why, e.g. why are they angry with me? Why are people saying these things? This led me to answer questions and if I could not come up with a distinctive answer with facts, I would remind myself that they don't then. A recent example for me if this helps I recently failed an assignment that is worth a big portion of my grade, and I got upset as my studying and doing well is important to me. I started asking if I had failed the class, looking at my other grades and receiving no email from the coordinator or supplementary assessment, I then proceeded to ask myself how does affect my future study and carrer I was reminded that all failure is important and one bad grade does not help define who I am and the career I take on. Asking myself why and giving it more context helped me be nicer and more compassionate to myself. I hope this helps
I would say you have done a lot, you've had breakfast and lunch. Just because your day is not full and busy does not mean you haven't done a lot, every day looks different and doesn't mean you're not giving a 100% everyday.
Yes, I work and I am a uni student