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TW: Life

Hey @Pho-RO 

I am a bit worried about going through everything happening to a stranger I don't know, who I won't know much about. I'm telling them my most significant and deepest secrets, and talking about all my emotions and why I am struggling is just a lot. 

I hope I get a new job in the next month or two, which should be okay. 

 

 

Spoiler

I'm a bit worried, though, after my parents leave on the 3rd of next week, I won't have much occupying my time between the 3rd and the 10th. I have a few uni assignments, but that's about it. 

I don't want my SI to increase, as I'm getting worried I might do something. It wasn't good on Thursday and I just don't want to get back into that mindset again next week. 

 

I am safe right now and should be all this week. It's just next week I'm worried about. I will contact KHL if I want to act on any thoughts. 

Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 25-09-2023 10:44 PM

Comments

 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 26-09-2023 11:03 AM

I've just been thinking about going inpatient again with how bad things have been. 

Does anyone know anything about ECT, and if it greatly affects your memory? 

 
 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 26-09-2023 12:42 PM

Hey @Red_Flamingo

 

It sounds like you’re going through a lot. Do you have a good safety plan for when the SI increases?

 

As far as ECT is concerned it can impact memory quite significantly. For most people it is short term damage, so they might not remember much during the month of treatment, but overtime they’ll regain those memories. For a minority there can be permanent memory loss and there may be further issues with creating new memories and learning. It can be a very effective treatment but there are a lot of risks you’ll need to consider.

 

There is also something called TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). It uses magnets instead of electrodes and is significantly safer/has minimal side effects (but is less effective). You are not put under anaesthetic which makes recovery from treatment significantly easier. It is also a newer treatment, so it is still evolving and improving. It can be a pretty good alternative to both antidepressants and ECT, but it really depends on your situation.

 

This is just my knowledge based on the research I had to do when my treatment team was considering ECT. I have done multiple courses of TMS so I can give you detailed information on what it’s like if you’d like.

 

You should definitely talk to your psychiatrist as they’ll be able to work out the unique risks for you and help you work out whether it’s worth it or not.   

 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 26-09-2023 01:03 PM

HI @Lapis_Anteater 

I guess I do. It's alright. It's not like it worked last time, but maybe I need to try harder over the next two weeks. 

I thought about going inpatient in a few weeks, maybe to stabilise. I do not have my job now, as I was fired yesterday. I could do my uni study while in the Hospital, and then at least I would be safe.

I had TMS in June this year, which didn't help. That's why I was wondering about ECT. I've also been on at least five different antidepressants over the last 18 months, and none of them have helped.

I currently don't have a psychiatrist, but if I do get admitted, I might be able to see the psych I saw during my admission in June. 

The place where I want to be admitted is where I would go as an out-patient to see a psych, but the waitlist is a long time. 

I've also just started a new medication, but safety is probably the main issue. 

Psych triage didn't help me or the Hospital when I was there recently. I wish there were something I could do. 

 

 
 
 
 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 26-09-2023 01:57 PM

Hi @Red_Flamingo 

 

Yeah, I understand. I was never good at following safety plans.   

 

Hospital could be a really good option. It can give you a break from managing your safety for a bit and allow you to focus on recovering. Who knows, maybe the groups will also teach you something practical. As safety is your focus, inpatient will definitely keep you safe. It may not be the nicest place, but it does its job. They should also be able to assess whether ECT is a good choice.

 

Has loosing your job had a big impact on your mental health? It’s a really challenging thing to have to deal with.

 

Treatment sounds very frustrating. It becomes so hard to stay optimistic when treatments keep failing. But I’m sure there is some treatment out there that will work for you, it just takes so much trial and error.

 

I’m really sorry that psych triage and the hospital were unhelpful. To me they felt like the last resort and to have them be unhelpful/dismissive made me feel like I had run out of options. There are always more options, it’s just hard to remember that in crisis. Hopefully if you need to see them again, they’ll be better. I found that the quality of care really depended on the person I saw. Some of them are awful and I still have no idea as to how they thought they were being helpful.

 

It must be incredibly hard to keep going right now, but I really hope one day you’ll be able to look back and be glad you stayed. You are doing everything that you need to be doing by continuing to seek treatment and not giving up. It’s a massive burden to carry so if you can, be proud of yourself. 💙

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 26-09-2023 02:17 PM

Hey @Lapis_Anteater 

It can be challenging, especially in that crisis or heightened space. 

If I were going to the hospital, it would be the private one I was at in June. It was good there. The food was lovely, and it was good not to have to cook for a bit with uni and living on campus. It saves me some money, haha. 

Mmm, yes and no. I was bullied at work for a bit, my boss wasn't very nice, and the environment was quite toxic, so it's probably a blessing in disguise. I don't like not having a job as I need money to pay for everyday things. I am on Centrelink, so hopefully, I can get that increased as well until I get a new job. I was getting about $50 so hopefully I can get more. Funnly someone was supposed to call me at 1:30. 

It has been a very frustrating 18 months. I know there is no magic pill, but I seem to be getting worse. 

Have you been in the hospital yourself, and were they not helpful? 

It's funny because psych triage told me to go to the ED if needed. Well, I had to go at this time, but the Doctor and nurses didn't seem to care at all. I had no follow-up with the CATT team or psych triage. I don't get how that could be the case. It's literally their job to help. 

I'm sorry you had the same experience. It's not okay. 

Thank you. I do hope so, too. I'm not sure I can see that right now, but maybe I will one day. 

What are you up to today? 

I am just working on an assignment about sleep, circadian rhythm, and the effect blue light has on melatonin production, which has been interesting. 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 26-09-2023 02:53 PM

Hi @Red_Flamingo

 

Love when the hospital food is good. It’s so much easier going back to a ward that you’ve already been too.

 

Hopefully you’ll be able to find a job that is better for you. Fingers cross that they increase your payments quickly, so you don’t have to worry for long.

 

It so irritating to be trying hard to keep everything working and watching things get worse.

 

I’ve been hospitalised something like 15 times over the past six years. Mostly in public but twice privately. In some ways some of the admissions have been help, overall, I think it caused more problems than it solved. They work for some people; I just have a lot of sensory issue so the hospital environment is bad.

 

That’s so wrong of ED. I wish I could say it’s abnormal, but I would be lying. The hospital kept getting annoyed with me for coming back too soon when they didn’t do anything (so nothing changed). I don’t know what they thought would happen. CATT are bad at follow up sometimes. They would often say they’ll see me everyday and then end up seeing me at the most twice and then discharge. It’s such a frustrating system.

 

I think the public system is just underfunded and overworked so there can be a lot of cracks. There are still some really talented people within it though. If you’re able to get a private psychiatrist/psychologist, I would recommend it. You ultimately get so much more choice and autonomy.

 

Today I have been reading Tokyo Ghoul. I took a break from university and am just waiting to restart in November.

 

What are you studying at university? That assignment sounds really interesting.

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 26-09-2023 03:38 PM

Hello @Lapis_Anteater 

Yes, the staff were all very nice there, so that's always a good thing. 

Yes, so do I, but if I get Centrelink increased for a bit, that will tie me over, and I'm sure my parents will help me if I need it. 

They called me back Centrelink and said if I keep doing my check-ins with how much I get paid each fortnight, it will automatically go to the full rate.

Oh, okay, I hope you're okay. I've only been in once this year. I don't think I would have gone in if I was at home with my parents. 

I'm pleased you got something from the CATT team. I have had zero contact at all. Maybe I needed to call them. 

Though true, they are underfunded, which makes it hard. 

I'm studying for a Bachelor of Health Science, Majoring in nutrition. I want to go on to my master's in Dietetics.

Why are you off now with uni? Are you in trimesters, not semesters? I finish for the year in November. What are you studying?

I do have a private psychologist, but I'm waiting for a private psychiatrist. It's also very expensive, which sucks.

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 26-09-2023 06:59 PM

Hi @Red_Flamingo

 

I’m glad they called back. Must be a relief.

 

I’m doing well thanks. That’s completely fair. Having your family around makes things a lot easier.  

 

Always worth reaching out to the CATT team. Hopefully they’ll be helpful.

 

Are you enjoying your degree so far? Sounds like it’d be pretty challenging but a rewarding career. How long do you have left?

 

Yeah, I have trimesters, so I skipped trimester 2 and am doing trimester 3. I’m studying psychology.

 

Do you like your psychologist? It’s all too expensive 😭.

 

I was thinking about some of the treatment options I was offered. Have you considered ketamine therapy? It might be worth bringing up as an option with a psychiatrist if it’s something that you think could be beneficial (assuming you haven’t tried it already).

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 26-09-2023 07:05 PM

Hey @Lapis_Anteater 

Yes, same I think my payment will be increased, so that's good. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I haven't been able to keep any food or water down. I'm feeling pretty sick. 

That's good to hear. 

Yeah, maybe I will see how things go over the next week. 

Yes, it is good. I have two years left of my bachelor and then my master is two years. 

Where are you at in yours? 

I will be having my first session with a new one on Thursday, so I will have to wait and see. I was seeing someone else, but I had to finish with her due to funding, as I didn't have to pay. 

I have heard about that, but it sounds a bit scary using a drug like that. 

 
 
 
 
 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 27-09-2023 10:54 AM

Hi @Red_Flamingo

 

Are you feeling any better today? Got much on?

 

I’m glad you’re enjoying your degree. Are you studying full time?

 

I’m still at first year. At least two left then I need to decide what to do with my future.

 

Hopefully the new person is a good fit for you!

 

Yeah, that’s completely fair. It’s still pretty new so it’s really understandable to be cautious.

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 27-09-2023 11:36 AM

Hey @Lapis_Anteater 

I'm here, I guess. I'm trying to work out if I should get admitted again to the psych clinic I went to in June and how to tell my parents. It was so hard telling them last time, but they were supportive. I have a telehealth appointment with my GP so she can send a referral off. 

Yes, full-time, but this sem, I'm only doing three units as I changed from the biomed major to electives, but I'll go back to the four next sem. 

I hope so, too. 

How many units do you study? How are you?

 

 
 
 
 
 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 28-09-2023 01:33 PM

Hey @Red_Flamingo

 

It is a really big decision to make. I’m glad they were supportive last time. It’s a difficult thing to tell your parents. But if an admission is helpful and improves something for you, I’m sure they will see it as completely worth it.

 

Do you have a good GP?

 

Oh nice. Do you find it easy to manage your time?

 

Have you had your session with your new person yet? If so, I hope it went well. If it’s later, I hope it goes well.

 

I was studying part-time but I’m going to do three subjects this upcoming trimester. If I can manage easily, I may try four, if not I’ll stick to three.

 

I’m doing okay thanks. How are you?

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 28-09-2023 02:26 PM

Hi @Lapis_Anteater 

I told my parents I want to get admitted because of my SI, and they support it, so that's good. I didn't tell them what I had done, but I've told them the main part so that's good. 

Yes, my GP is amazing. She goes above and beyond. 

It can be a bit hard with work, but I'm trying my best to manage my time. 

Yes, I have had my session with the new psych. He was very different, and he said the ones I've been seeing have been mollycoddling me, which I think is interesting. He kept challenging me and trying to see why I was uncomfortable, where I felt it, why I felt it, and why am I laughing at something that was hard. 

Ah, nice I wish you good luck. How many weeks is your semester? 

I'm a bit flat after the session and telling my parents, but I'm sure I'll be okay. 

 
 
 
 
 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 02-10-2023 03:20 PM

Hi @Red_Flamingo

 

I’m really glad that they were supportive. It’s a really hard thing to tell your parents do so good job.

 

Love when GPs are great.

 

Hopefully different will be helpful. It’ll take a bit of time to work out whether it’s a good fit, but I really hope it is. It can be confronting to have a psych make you look deeply at things, but it also is somewhat necessary.

 

Thanks. My trimesters are 12 weeks, I think. What about you?

 

Sorry for the delayed response. How have you been feeling over the weekend?

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 02-10-2023 04:25 PM

Hey @Lapis_Anteater 

Thank you. Yes its good she is great. 
Yeah I hope so too. It was hard but I’m sure it will help. 
Ah okay I do two semesters that are 12 weeks as well. 
It's been interesting I guess. My mum and dad have come over and its been nice as have done a lot of things. 
I told them I'm wanting to go back into the hospital. I found out today I will be going in on Wednesday to the hospital. So I hope that will be able to help me. 
I have been struggling, but it's good I’ve been busy with mum and dad so that's helped. Night time has been the worst as I'm on my own. Though I am safe right now. I think going into hospital will be the best thing for me right now. 
How are you?

 
 
 
 
 
Pho-RO
Pho-ROPosted 02-10-2023 09:56 PM

@Red_Flamingo I am glad to hear that being with your mum and dad has been helpful, keeping busy can really do wonders at times. Thanks for sharing that you'll be heading into hospital on Wednesday, I hope you get some really good support there, and it is a nice reprieve from the stress of the day-to-day. How are you feeling about it? 

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 02-10-2023 10:06 PM

Hey @Pho-RO

I'm a bit nervous, but I'll be in with the same psychiatrist I had last time, and the nurses are always good. The food is also really lovely too. I do hope it will help. I'm not sure what will happen if I have to go to group therapy, TMS, ECT or what. I will be very busy tomorrow. I have two assignments to get done and pack. 

I wouldn't say I'm feeling great right now, I've come back from dinner with my uncle, aunt and parents which was nice. I've been feeling flat all day. 

I think my regular at KHL will be happy I'm going in on Wednesday so that's good. 

I am also safe right now. I'm about to go to bed I'm so tired. 

 
 
 
 
 
Pho-RO
Pho-ROPosted 02-10-2023 10:17 PM

@Red_Flamingo It's good to hear that you'll already know some of the staff. It can definitely ease the process to have that sense of familiarity. And it really sounds like your KHL regular is very much on your side. 

 

I am sorry to hear you aren't feeling great at the moment, but hopefully getting some sleep will help. Sleep well, and I hope tomorrow isn't too hecticfor you. 

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 03-10-2023 07:02 AM

Hey @Pho-RO 

Thank you 
I do hope it will help and give me a break I need and I can reset. Though I do hope I'll be allowed out a little bit for a walk and I will need some time on Tuesday to go to my uni class, but other than that it should be fine. 
The first day or two are the worst as I'm usually not allowed to leave at all which is understandable. 
Thank you I've had a good sleep. I have woken up with a bit of a cold though so I hope it won't affect tomorrow at all.
I have so much to do today. 

 
 
 
 
 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 02-10-2023 08:47 PM

Hey @Red_Flamingo

 

I’m glad your parents able to spend time with you. It can be pretty lonely when you’re struggling with SI. Have you been able to spend any time with friends?   

 

Wednesday is so soon. I really hope they’ll be able to improve things for you! Are you nervous?

 

It takes a lot of courage getting this kind of help. Yeah, I used to really struggle with night too. It’s just so quiet so there’s no good distraction from your thoughts. Do you struggle with falling asleep?

 

I’ve been okay. I’ve mainly been playing Pokémon. I do need to get some physical health concerns sorted out. I’ve only had mental health concerns in the past so it’s a bit intimidating as I don’t really know the process.

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 02-10-2023 08:56 PM

Hey @Lapis_Anteater 

Yes it can be very lonely when struggling with SI. 
I did see a friend last week which was nice. He has been a great friend to me. 
I am a little but I'll be with the same doctor I have seen before when I was an inpatient and she was really good. The food is also amazing there and so are the nurses. 

I do at times but one of my medications helps with sleep so that's good. 

Do you struggle with sleep yourself? 

Oh okay, I hope you're alright. 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 03-10-2023 03:09 PM

Hey @Red_Flamingo 

 

It’s really good to hear that you have a friend that is supportive.

 

Hospital is a big change, so it makes sense to be a bit nervous. I’m glad you have the same doctor. You won’t have to start from scratch. Always nice to have good food and nice nurse. Do you have any length of stay in mind?

 

Medication can make such a difference. I do struggle to sleep sometimes. One of my medications does help a bit though.

 

How’s your day been?

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 03-10-2023 03:22 PM

Hello @Lapis_Anteater 

Yeah, he is great. 

Um no not sure yet I will find out when I go in. 

I have come down with a cold, so I won't be going to the hospital tomorrow so that sucks. Hopefully, I'll be better in a day or two. 

I'm so lonely I haven't talked to anyone all day. I hate being sick.
How are you?

 
 
 
 
 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 03-10-2023 03:25 PM

Hey @Red_Flamingo

 

Yeah, that fair.

 

Oh no! That’s frustrating.  I hope you get better soon. Do you have another date for going into hospital?

 

Being sick sucks. Do you have anyone you can talk to?

 

I’m doing well thanks.

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