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TW: Not Coping
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to come by and say a few things.
I'm still in the hospital but going home on Friday. I'm nervous about going home but have plenty of support, so I should be okay.
My uncle and aunt have been a great support for me, which I value a lot.
I have my new psychologist. I'm not quite sure yet about his style. He likes to challenge me a lot and put pressure on me. He always asks how I'm feeling, where I feel it and on what scale from 1-10, so I'll have to get used to that. He doesn't like that I have a defence mechanism: laughing and smiling at something I shouldn't be, but It's hard not to when I've been doing it for so long. One thing I don't understand is that I tell him I need to trust him to be vulnerable. It's not easy to do, and it takes time, but he says I don't need to develop trust. It's just there because it's his job. I don't know about that. Having people in a power imbalance like I did when I was at school for so long makes me distrust people. So maybe I feel like I distrust him because it feels like there is a power imbalance with him as well. I was bullied for 13 years. The school did nothing to help me, so maybe because the teachers and school psych were not helping, I feel scared to let him help me. He also talks about how I'm conflict with wanting to feel better. I want to get better, but it's just so hard. I feel comfortable (as painful as it is) where I'm at right now, so if I do get better, it means something could happen, and then I'm back here again.
I wish I felt better after being here for nearly three weeks, but no. The new meds might take some time to kick in. I feel so sad and alone. I don't know how to fix it. I also hate myself for some unknown reason, and I'm literally belittling myself and being my own never ending bully in my head, which is just so fun. Not.
I think it has to do with going home, and I'm scared. However, saying that, I'm safe right now. I'm finishing up an assessment and find something to do after that. I've been busy enrolling in my units for uni next year.
I'm looking forward to that. I'm also having a session with my regular at KHL tonight, so that will be good.
Hi @Stormy-RO or anyone else,
Is anyone up for a chat at all? I'm struggling a bit and wouldn't mind talking to someone.
Thank you
Hey @Pho-RO
Not very well 😭😩 feeling pretty sad. I wasn't to be happy, but I never am. Why can’t things be better for me? I hate myself so much right now.
I'm safe though. I'm watching dessert masters and I'll probably go to bed soon. I have a session with my psychologist tomorrow and an appointment with my GP to discuss my blood test results I’m a bit nervous. The appointments are over telehealth as I'm not at uni.
I had my last exam today so it was nice to know I've finished for the year. However, I am doing a summer unit.
@Red_Flamingo I am sorry things are so tough for you, and hope that you can spend some time thinking about the stuff that you do like about yourself - I know I like you!
Dessert Masters sounds like a hoot! Doesn't it make you crave sweets though? Haha a risky watch, perhaps! Well, I hope your GP appt goes okay, and congrats on finishing up your term at uni! Something to be proud of for sure - considering all you've been going through, I think it's quite the accomplishment to have smashed through to the end of term. And a summer unit could be good, keep you focused and busy; I hope it's for a subject you enjoy 😊
Thanks for letting me know you're safe, and I hope that your dreams are full of dessert tonight!
Thank you @Pho-RO
I'll try to think of some things not sure how far I'll get.
Not really I'm not hungry and they cook very extravagant dishes. I’m only watching it because I'm with Mum if I was at uni I wouldn't watch it catch up is annoying.
Yes I guess so I haven't really thought about it and didn't realise I've finished. It's been incredibly hard so it is good that I've got through uni. Yes I think it will keep me focused and with not having work yet I need something to keep me semi busy. It sucks it's online so I won't meet anyone 😭😔
All good. One good thing even though I've still been struggling so much I haven't had an SI since discharge so I’m happy about that. My new meds have helped with that and probably my coping as well as my new psych. I wish I could be more vulnerable with him. It's so hard.
It's an elective on criminology not related to Nutrtion at all but I had one spare and crime interests me so I'm sure it will be good.
Hey @Red_Flamingo
Hope you are doing okay
Things sound tough right now for you.
Maybe you could try to reward yourself with something nice after finishing that assignment like a nice snack or bubble bath?
I find giving myself little rewards makes me feel better 🙂
I think new meds can take a bit over a month to get the full effect so hopefully, that helps
Sometimes I feel like my mind is a bit of a bully as well.... I've found going for a little walks help
Hope that helps
:))
Hi @Indigo_blue
Nice to meet you. How are you?
Thank you for those suggestions. I will give them a go.
This new mood stabiliser should show its effect in two weeks, my psychiatrist told me.
What are you getting up to tomorrow?
Hey @Red_Flamingo thank you for keeping us updated on what's been going on. It sounds like there's been a lot happening for you and a lot to think about. I'm really sorry to hear that you're not feeling better after your stay. It's incredibly difficult to feel sad and alone and to hate yourself. These feelings take a lot of energy out of you. It's true that your medication may take a while to start working, and hopefully you can keep monitoring it for changes to your mood and behaviour as time goes on. I'm also glad to hear that your uncle and aunt have been so supportive of you and that you know you should be okay once you leave the hospital.
I wanted to point out that it can be really hard to learn trust any new person, even professionals, after you've been through so much. With what you've described about being bullied and having no help from school teachers or the psychologist in the past, it makes sense that you might not fully trust your psychologist even if he says you should be able to. It sounds like there's a mix of personal and professional trust that is both important for you, and this may have to take time. The fact that you have stuck with him even though you're still not sure about his style really shows how committed you are to seeking help, even though it's hard to go through the uncomfortable parts of getting better.
It sounds like there's some things that you have planned that you're looking forward to like enrolling for uni and talking to your regular. I was wondering if there's anything else you're looking forward to after your stay?
Yes, a few things. Also this and I had another meeting with my parents, aunt and uncle on Thursday with the psychiatrist @Stormy-RO
I'm worried about going home like I should be okay, but I'll be alone and don't have any uni classes to attend or work. I haven't got another job yet. I don't want to get worse. I'm trying hard to get better, and I have this new psych. I've also started a mood stabiliser and had an increase in my antidepressant and antipsychotic. I'm not psychotic, by the way. It just helps me sleep. I've also told the nurses and my psychiatrist I'm scared to go home, and they didn't offer much support. I've got the safety plan RO sent me, so I will keep that near me when I'm at home so I can use it if I need it. I'll also go through a safety plan with KHL tonight.
The only thing I'm looking forward to is going for a bike ride and being able to go anywhere I want without being searched and sleeping in peace without someone coming in every hour. I wish I could feel better. It sucks so much feeling like this. I don't want to be so sad anymore, but nothing is helping. I even tried to do some painting today, and that hasn't really helped my mood. My motivation has been so low the past week. Maybe I will be fine when I go home, and it's just my anxiety about what could happen. I might feel so much better once I get home who knows.
@Red_Flamingo I'm really glad to hear that you got to have an open and honest conversation with your parents. You're right, it gets very heavy to have to continuously hold information back from those we love, and I can imagine it feels like a weight has been lifted. I hope it means you and your parents can continue to have an open dialogue regarding your treatment, and thus they will be a more available source of support for you, since you won't have to conceal things from them so much anymore. I applaud you for your courage, that wouldn't have been an easy conversation to have.
It is understandable your motivation has been low, you are going through a lot! It's very okay to take things one step, one moment at a time, and to slow everything down for a time so you can focus on treatment, adjusting to meds, and what is next on the horizon. You are right, you never know what will happen, and your nervousness is to be expected. I really hear you when you say you're worried about how you'll feel once you get home, too. It can be very nerve-wracking to not know how you are going to feel, but from where I'm sitting it looks as though you have put a lot of effort into creating safety and planning for potential challenges you may face. Even though you don't have work or uni to attend to, perhaps that will mean you can feel less pressure to put on a brave face, and can spend some time readjusting to being at home. Plus, having gorgeous bike rides and undisturbed sleep to look forward to? That will be bliss! Sometimes the comfort of our own space is all we need to feel a sense of peace.
Thanks for keeping us in the loop, and I hope that the next few days go as smoothly as possible for you as you make the transition.
Hi @Pho-RO
Yes, it was a hard conversation to have. I was kind of forced into it with my uncle's and aunt's rule that they need to know when something big happens. Well, my aunt mentioned to me the other day about having my parents more available for support. I shut that down oh so very quickly. I barely tell them when I'm feeling sad, let alone to call them when I'm in a crisis. I would prefer not to talk to anyone if that was the case.
Though you are right, even if it was forced, it did feel like a weight has been lifted off.
I don't know why, but I also feel extremely guilty for using my aunt and uncle as support. I feel like I'm using them or taking up their time. I think it's because I feel they are stepping in a doing a part of what my parents should be doing, which they aren't, as it's my choice not to tell them everything. I felt so guilty when an in-person meeting was suggested because it meant they had to take time off work, which I felt so bad about. I told them how I felt and they said they didn't mind and there not doing it just because we are family, but because they care about me and love me.
If I'm letting myself feel my feelings, that could be an issue. I don't want to go too deep into feeling them or I might spiral.
Yes the bike rides will be fun.
You wouldn't believe a nurse just came in and I told her how I'm worried we went through my safety plan and she said if I'm not feeling better in the next few days I could stay a bit longer if I need.
@Red_Flamingo I am glad you are feeling lighter, and have so many on your side. It sounds like your aunt and uncle genuinely want to help you, and genuinely care about you. It can be difficult to know that they are making some small sacrifices along the way, but sometimes we need to trust in our loved ones, to know that they wouldn't be doing so if they didn't want to. They even told you so themselves. Have a think for yourself - what small sacrifices would you be more than willing to make if it meant you could be there for someone you loved? Taking time off work is really not a huge deal, especially when compared to the importance of providing emotional support to a beloved family member.
How did you feel about the nurse's suggestion? Do you think it could be beneficial, considering how worried you are about heading home, and how you feel you could spiral? Or are you craving the comforts of your own space more, and feeling confident in your ability to keep yourself safe?
I know it's just hard to see it that way. I feel so guilty about it. Though I would do it for someone I cared about in a heartbeat. It's just hard when I'm the one receiving the support. I know taking time off work isn't a big deal; I just felt bad because I knew my uncle had a deadline for a project at his work. He was the one who suggested the meeting in the first place, so I need to accept that people want to help.
Do you mean by staying in the hospital longer with the nurse's suggestion? I do and don't want to go home. To be able to bike ride and do things I can't in here, but the fear is still so real and if I spiral. I guess I would need to use my supports. Maybe I need to suck it up and accept that I'll be anxious about going home. I have just spoken with my regular, and we came up with a bit more of a plan to add to my safety plan @Pho-RO.
I wouldn't say I fully have my parents on my side, but that's my fault. Mum asked me today how I was, and I said, "I'm good" like I wasn't. I was crying just before talking to her. So it's my fault for not telling her how I feel, but then I can't handle how she reacts and makes it about herself or asks a million questions. I prefer to leave it, say I'm good, and talk to someone else about it.
@Red_Flamingo I can see that you really care about them. That's what is at the root of the guilt, is the care and love you feel, and the desire to not disrupt their lives. But as you say, you know if the roles were reversed you would do the same for them. It can be hard to accept help sometimes, especially if we are taught that we are meant to be strong and independent. But vulnerability is its own strength, and knowing when to ask for help is a valuable life skill too.
Sounds like you have a lot of things in place to ensure that returning home is going to go as smoothly as possible. Perhaps whenever the nervousness arises, you can try to focus on all the things you've listed that you're looking forward to - sleeping better, bike rides, privacy, and the comfort of the familiar.
It's okay if your parents aren't the main people you go to for support when you're feeling low, especially if their responses aren't often helpful for you. Though it sounds like not having to lie to them is it's own relief, and perhaps over time you can let them know what you find helpful/unhelpful when looking for support, and can come to rely on them in that way as well. Time will tell 😊
Hi @Pho-RO
I think it is. I don't want to burden them just because I'm depressed and struggling. That is true. Being able to ask for help can be challenging at times. I think I'm developing that skill by asking for what I need.
Yes, I think so. I'm not going on Friday now because I need a blood test for the medication to make sure the levels are correct. So I'll have the blood test on Saturday and go home then. I feel so bad because I asked my aunt if she could take me home on Friday and she had to reorganise seeing her parents. She will be working on Saturday, so I'll have to get home myself now or maybe my uncle could take me home.
I have tried to tell them what I need to listen to me, but it doesn't always work that well. It's okay. I know its a fact that I can go to other people for support if needed.
I have a session with my psych today, so it will be interesting to see how that goes. I need to pick up a parcel. I have some books to collect, and I'll finish my assignment this afternoon.
Hey @Red_Flamingo ,
It sounds like you have been pretty busy in hospital too. We're glad you hear you were able to do some of your studies.
We hope your psych session went well. Perhaps you can do some forward planning with your psych, or anyone at the hospital? Hopefully that will make the transition a little easier for you. Transitioning back home from hospital can take some getting used to.
Not sure if you have utilised the BeyondBlue safety planning app before? It may be helpful.
Hi @Chloe-RO
Yes, I did some more yesterday. I will try and finish the last part today. I'm about to go out and get some painting supplies or, well, more, hahaha. I want to try a painting, but I need a sand modelling paste, so I will go get that and masking tape.
I had my session yesterday with my psych. I think it went well. I tried to connect more with him, but it was hard to show that vulnerable side of myself. He noticed that I was a bit slower cognitively and with how I was trying to express and connect to my emotions. He said that can happen with the medication I'm on. I hope I won't always be like that. I don't want to feel dull, meh or nothing. Maybe it just takes time for the medication to get into a good rhythm in my brain and body, hahaha.
Yes, I have the app, but I also have the one RO sent me an email with. I've saved that to my Mac so I can edit it if I need to. When I get home, I will print it out to put it on my wall.
It's so funny. I'm going home on Saturday and Sunday I'm going out on the town with my friend. He just broke up with his boyfriend and wants to go out and meet people. Well, so do I, but it's a quick turnaround. The nurse yesterday said to take it easy the first few days. I won't be doing that, lol. Oh well, it will be a fun night. It will be nicer than staying in my room alone, crying or whatever. I probably won't drink much as I'm not sure how it will affect me with the new medication. The last time I went out on the town was in 2021 when I turned 18. I don't really like it that much, and it's so expensive. The things you do for friends, am I right?
Hey @Red_Flamingo I wanted to wish you well with your last few days in the hospital. Being nervous about going back home makes a lot of sense, it's a big transition back to your regular routine. But it sounds like your painting and bike riding might be some things to look forward to as well!
I see that you and your psych are starting to connect more and that's great to hear. It does sound like your medication could be having an impact on you, it's quite common for medications to have short-term side effects as your system gets used to them. Do you feel comfortable giving this information to your treating professionals just so that they have it on their records?
It's really exciting that you get to spend some time with your friend and you're looking forward to that too. I agree that it will be nice to socialise after your hospital stay. As you mentioned you haven't gone out on the town since 2021 and what your nurse said, do you feel like you could have a conversation to this friend about not being able to drink too much and needing to take it easy?
Hi @Stormy-RO
Thank you. I'm getting more nervous, but oh well. I'm going back to uni tomorrow with my aunt. She will help me return some things, so I don't have as much to take on Saturday.
I'm going to let my psychiatrist know tomorrow when I see her.
I’m not going out on Saturday with my friend now. He wants to do it on Tuesday instead, but just my luck, I have a session with my psych on Wednesday. I've told him I don't drink much. I can also go home if I've had enough.
I've been out getting some painting supplies. I also got a couple of dresses on sale by a lot. One was $160, down to $40. I couldn't believe it.
I'm just trying to do some painting tonight. I'm not sure if it's turning out right. I'm feeling a bit sad today. I want to cry, but trying to keep it together.
Thanks for the well wishes
Hey @Red_Flamingo totally understandable that your nervousness is a bit hectic, it's always a bit like that when we feel jittery about something - as we get closer, the nervousness gets even more intense. I think it will subside greatly once you're back at home in your own space though, especially because of all the hard work you've done to prepare and plan ahead for it.
Sounds like you are already putting some solid boundaries in place wth your friend so that you can be supportive of him, without also compromising your own needs. Kudos! I hope it turns out to be a lovely night, and it's something to look forward to as well.
I hope your painting gives you a delightful indulgence in your creativity (always important to nourish!) and perhaps even an opportunity to express some of your emotions too. If you do need to cry, then I hope it is a cathartic process for you. You're doing so well, and even with all the turbulence going on you are still giving it your all. I think you can be proud of yourself for that 😊
Hi @Pho-RO
Yeah, I'm scared. I feel so conflicted about going home.
Mmm, I guess. He said he wanted to go out at 10:30, and I said that's a bit late, and he said okay, then well, what about 10:00 pm. I'm usually asleep by 9:30 - 10:00 pm. I don't want to let him down as well. I wanted to go out at 9:00 so I could be home at a semi-decent time, but I don't think that will happen.
Yeah, that is questionable. It doesn't look perfect, but then I am very judgmental about myself and what I do. I like things to be perfect. Today, I got a grade back for my nutrition unit, and I got 95%. I was happy but also very disappointed about the one mark I missed. I don't know why, when three years ago I would have been pleased with a 50%, but since starting uni last year, I've been able to do it despite all the learning challenges I've had from being born prematurely. I've overcome a lot but still, bet myself up when I get something wrong. I know no one is perfect, and I'm far from it, but I wish I could just be happy I'm in uni and passing and not worry so much.
I'm not sure how cathartic it will be, but I'm sure. I'm not sure I'm doing that well. I feel like I'm failing left, right and centre. I can't stop being so mean to myself. I'm going through why I should hate myself and feel worthless. I want to stop being so sad and miserable. I'm so over being depressed. Anyway, I'm safe in here; I'll have my meds soon and try and fix my painting if I can. Sorry about all that. I go on rants sometimes.
Hello @Red_Flamingo ,
Thank you for sharing. We read that you have been able to make to a compromise for the sake of helping your friend after the breakup. This shows your inner values. Perhaps this is something to focus on? That is, to focus on meaning in life, as well as meaningful activities?
We hear how hard on yourself you have been. In a way, it sounds like there is a pattern of thinking you revert to? We're wondering if you have ever considered challenging your thoughts? Here's an article that goes through How to Challenge Negative Thoughts. When finding yourself spiralling into a cycle of negativity, these questions from this article are good to go through:
1. Questions that act as a reality check:
What is the evidence for and against my thinking?
Am I jumping to negative conclusions?
How can I find out if what I’m thinking is actually true?
2. Questions that seek alternative explanations:
Are there any other ways that I could look at this situation?
What else could this mean?
If I were being positive, how would I view the situation?
3. Questions that put things in perspective:
What’s the best thing that could happen?
Is there anything good about this situation?
Will this matter in five years’ time?
4. Questions that are goal-directed:
Is this way of thinking helping me to achieve my goals?
What can I do that will help me solve the problem?
Is there something I can learn from this situation, to help me do it better next time?
Even if you do this already, regular practice can consolidate it within you.
Remember, even out of hospital, you can still contact KHL for support and well as Lifeline.
Hi @Chloe-RO
Yeah, maybe it's okay. I'm sure it will be a nice night anyway.
The meaning in life. Mmm, I'm not sure I have much of that.
Yes, I do it so often. I have tried challenging my thoughts sometimes, but I'm not very good at it.
I'll have a go at those. They seem different from the black and white ones others have told me about. Thank you.
I'm going home today with my aunt to take some stuff back; I think we are going out for brunch. It depends on the time when we get things done.
I think it will be good to go back home, and as you said, I still have some support to reach out to.
OMG, the most awful thing happened today. I returned to uni to get a parcel and bumped into someone I hadn't seen since May. What happened was I met her in Feb at uni O week. We got on well and talked about what we were studying. She is studying psychology, and then we hung out and got to know each other. And she asked me a few questions about my MH, so I answered them, and she also talked about her MH. Long story short, I must have said too much to her so she wouldn't talk to me. One day, she texted me to say she didn't want to see me anymore. It was so awful it made me feel like I was back at school when I was left out and ostracized. It made me feel like I was abandoned, not cared for and rejected.
Then today, I saw her, and she said hello and was like I know you were struggling back in May. How are things now? I said they were okay. I wasn't going to tell her I was in hospital. Why would I say that? She couldn't cope with it last time. I also didn't want to tell her. Why would I when she was so awful to me?
I went back to my room and started sobbing. I had to pull myself together to get back to the hospital so I would get back in time. Then I got here and started sobbing again. I've been crying for over an hour and a half (time sees to go so slowly when you are distressed). I feel like absolute crap. It's as if I feel like all the abandonment came flooding back and all these emotions were so strong. I'm not feeling great right now, but I've stopped crying, so that's good, I guess. I'm just about to have dinner, and I might watch some TV tonight to help calm me down. It was just such a shock to see her. I'm not sure what is going through my mind right now. I think this will take some time to process. I'm safe, though. I'll speak to someone if I need to.