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TW: Relationship issues.
I've always had severe anxiety and depression. I never imagined that it could get worse, but over the past few months it had gotten extremely bad. An issue in my relationship is causing the most problems. I've been with my partner for over a decade and I love him dearly, but his addiction is ruining our relationship. We haven't had intimacy for over a year because of this addiction. Our spark is gone and I long for it back. He's tried therapy and app blockers, but nothing has helped. This problem on top of his work has made him depressed and I don't know how to help him. I mourn the relationship that we had and I want it back more than anything. He says that I deserve better but I don't want to lose him. The entire situation has left us at a very low and stressful point in our lives.
Comments
Hey @Cinnamon_Dove,
Welcome to ReachOut! Thank you for being courageous and sharing what you’re going through. I can hear that your relationship with your partner has had a major impact on your mental health. I can see that you’ve been with your partner for a long time and love them very much. Seeing a loved one struggle with addiction can be heartbreaking and It sounds like you’re experiencing grief and loss despite still being in the relationship. This would be incredibly upsetting and overwhelming, and I’d like you to know that you’re not alone with how you’re feeling.
You’ve shown resilience and courage by sharing your experience with the community, which is amazing! Sharing what you’re going through with others can be so tough, so you should be really proud of yourself. Often, speaking to others about what you’re going through can be helpful to reduce distress and be supported by others. I’m interested to know if you’ve had a chance to speak to friends or family about how you’re feeling and what you’re experiencing? Speaking to a professional is also important when you’re managing depression and anxiety, so I am also curious to know if you’ve spoken to a professional like a GP or psychologist?
It sounds like your partner has tried to reach out for support around his addiction and has not had much success with it. I encourage you to connect with ADIS who offer 24/7 support for people in QLD with alcohol and other drug concerns. The service may also refer you to more specific support for you and your partner. Another service that could be helpful to reduce your distress is Beyond Blue, who offer free 24/7 counselling. It’s important to engage in self care while going through a difficult time, so I am also wondering what you have been doing to take care of yourself?
An email has also been sent to check in with you offline, so please keep an eye out for that! I hope this is helpful and look forward to hearing from you soon.
Hi @Cinnamon_Dove thank you for opening up to us about these personal issues that seem to really be affecting you.
I see he has tried therapy and things, have you ever considered maybe seeking couples therapy? It can be really helpful way to discuss relationship issues and needs with someone who can give you an perspective from the outside and maybe some helpful tips.
This is definitely an issue that will take time to fix and I can see you are determined to work through it which is great. I can only imagine how much stress this situation puts on you wanting to stay with someone you love who is not in a state to give you what you need. Remember to take care of yourself and respect your needs as much as your wants.
As much as you want to be there for him in his time of need dont forget about your own!
You are doing amazing and I can see how much you must love him to stay with him through such an intense period. Please be considerate of what is going to be better long term for your mental health. I understand it is extremely difficult to even think about giving up on a relationship with someone you have loved for so long but if you exhaust all options for improvement it may be something to think about.
Sending love ❤️
I am so very proud of you for reaching out on here and being so vulnerable with us all. After reading what you have written, it certainly sounds like you and your partner have hit a very low and stressful point in your lives as you said; I hope what myself and others will say may provide you with some comfort/guidance.
Addictions of any kind can have a large number of impacts on those around the person with the addiction, and overcoming an addiction is quite a big process, filled with small wins and setbacks. It is good that your partner has tried therapy and app blockers to assist with his addiction, but I am so sorry to hear that these have not worked. It sounds like things have not improved for him, which is also impacting you and the relationship itself.
I want you to know that your feelings are so very valid; you are allowed to mourn the relationship that you once had with your partner. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you have tried to communicate to him about how you feel within the relationship; seeming he said you'd deserve better. I know it can be pretty scary opening up to a partner about such a topic, and I know that you also do not want to lose him.
Supporting a partner who has an addiction can be really challenging. I don't know what type of addiction your partner has, but I do have two resources that may help you and your partner (these contain further resources):
ReachOut also has a section here on addiction that may be of interest to you.
There is also a book called When Your Partner Has an Addiction: How Compassion Can Transform Your Relationship (and Heal You Both in the Process by Christopher Kennedy Lawford. You could look into this, especially if you enjoy or don't mind reading.
You said your partner did try therapy. Has he continued to see a therapist? If not, would he be open to trying again, perhaps with another therapist? Sometimes we just don't click with a therapist, so it is absolutely okay if he needs to see someone else.
Overall, it sounds like you are not coping very well, and on top of everything to do with your partner and the relationship, you struggle with severe anxiety and depression, which sounds like it has worsened because of what's been happening. Are you yourself seeing a therapist or counsellor? I'm also curious to know what kinds of things you could do to show yourself some self-care/TLC. I know it is hard trying to support a partner with addiction, but it is important that you look after yourself and put yourself and your needs first. Have you told any friends of family about what is happening too? Having a strong support system in place is so important.
Here is a link to some self-care advice if you're looking for some guidance on what you should do for self-care:
I hope even just a tiny bit of what I have written will help you. Hopefully, some more people will jump in soon to provide you with more support.
- Matcha_Toad 🐸🍵💚
I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It sounds like a difficult situation to be in, and it is admirable that you have coped so well over this period of time that all of this has been going on.
Are you seeking help for your anxiety and depression? Do you have access to a counsellor, psychologist, etc... Or even be able to confide in a friend or family member? I want to make sure that you are looking after your mental health during this time. Also remember that services such as Kids Helpline and Beyond Blue are available!
It sounds like your partner has explored a lot of different avenues in trying to combat his addiction. Addiction is a tricky thing to overcome and deal with. It's great that you have been by his side all this time, it sounds like you've been very supportive of him trying to overcome addiction. I'm just wondering if this is what's best for you? As it sounds like this is causing a lot of distress and has been going on for a long time, taking a big toll on your relationship.
Perhaps you could bring this up to your partner, and express everything you stated in your post to him if you haven't already? I'm also not sure how helpful it would be if individual therapy hasn't worked for him, but you could look into couples therapy? Maybe the therapist could give some interpersonal suggestions on how you can help in regards to support and de-enabling behaviours?
I hope you're looking after yourself during this time, please be gentle with yourself and take time for yourself if you need it 💜 the ReachOut community is here for you.