I’m Alone In the Closet in an Unsafe Homophobic Household

Thank you for taking the time to reply and making me feel better. It's lonely and dark here in the closet so your words do mean a lot to me. 💕

My pleasure! ❤️

Hi Taylor,

Thanks for replying, it means a lot to me. 😊

To answer your questions, the only people I've told are from the lifeline, kids helpline and Qlife helplines/webchats. I usually go to those helplines when I'm in a dark place and feel like I've hit a boiling point. They're good to let out my emotions however, they get repetitive as you talk to a new person each time and sometimes it feels like they're replying as if they're typing from a script. I said this in one of my chats with them and the person recommended me to reachout, which is why I'm here. I haven't told anyone in person but I know my friends from school would 100% support me (especially 2 of them, plus I'm sure they already have their own suspicions)  but I don't feel ready to tell them and also I don't wanna overwhelm/stress them with my own problems.

Thursday night I was in a really dark place, which is when I reached out to lifeline. I'm getting better but my depression/anxiety (idk what to call it) comes in fluctuations. I hit a boiling point then talk to a helpline then slowly get better then I get tired again or something triggers me to go back into a "dark place." It's like a cycle but it feels like it gets worse and worse every time. So, if the cycle continues, imagine how bad I'll be in a couple of years. This also makes me really confused because one day I can be fine and the next I don't even wanna get out of bed.

I'm safe in my home right now. Besides from the homophobia my family is alright, so as long as they don't know I'll be good. This means I might have to slowly become closer with them again or else they'll become suspicious that something is wrong with me. Yesterday my mum already had a chat with me saying I need to change my behaviour because I "act like I'm not happy being in this family" (which I'm not) and I need to stop ignoring my dad (I treat him the worse because he's the most homophobic) because "he loves me so much and would do anything for me" (which is a lie). Then she asked me if there was something wrong and if I was ok and I had to just lie while holding back my tears because I can tell I'm hurting my mum which I don't wanna do. I love her and she tells me countless times that she loves me but I can't tell her what's really going on and why I'm acting like this, which makes me feel so guilty. Also, I know I shouldn't do this to my family, it's not healthy for them nor myself but I can't help but put my frustration and anger out on them. I forgot to mention that I have an older brother and sister, my relationship with them is pretty much non existent. I know my sister supports lgbtq+ but we don't have a good relationship so telling her anything is out of the picture.

Thank you again for making me feel seen 💕

Hey @Pink_Mallard,

Thanks for continuing to share your story here.

I’m glad to hear you feel comfortable to reach out to Lifeline, Kids helpline and Qlife when you’re feeling low and have found these a good place to let out some of your emotions. I understand how draining it can be to have to share your story to multiple, unfamiliar people. It’s so rewarding to have someone you’ve known for a while and feel is on your side to guide you through these issues. Do you have a counselor or psychologist at school you would feel comfortable speaking too?

It sounds like you’re holding in a lot of emotion and this must place a lot of stress on you. I’m so glad to hear you have friends that you can share this part of yourself with and know that they would support you. I often think the same thing that I would overwhelm my friends if I were to share my issues, but if they were to do the same, I’d feel really honored and grateful that they could share what they’ve been going through. It could be that your friends would really love the opportunity to support you at this time.

I wonder if it would be helpful for you to keep a journal where you could write down your thoughts and reflect on what could be triggering you to go to this dark place. Maybe through a journaling app on your phone that is password protected so you don't have to worry about anyone reading it. Do you think that could be helpful?

I’m so sorry you are going through this and must keep part of yourself hidden from your family. Its sounds like there’s tension at home between yourself and your parents. I can hear that your mum is concerned about you but is maybe not expressing that in the gentlest way. How do you think your mum would react if you were to tell her you liked girls and are feeling unhappy at home?

We’re here for you to keep sharing what’s on your mind and help you through this demanding time 💙

Hey Eleanor, thanks for responding.
My school does have a psychologist but I don’t think I’d be comfortable sharing with them.

You raise a good point about my friends. I don’t wanna tell them all but I know I can trust 2 of them. Not only can I trust them but I know they won’t see or treat me differently however, I’m just afraid I’m gonna regret it.

It won’t hurt to try out journaling so maybe next time I need to express my emotions I’ll try that. 

I don’t really know where my mum stands with the whole gay thing, I mean I’ve watched glee with her and there are a lot of gay characters there. I think she’s the type of homophobic person that just minds her business though. Coming out to her is way too big of a risk but I do feel she’s capable of unlearning her homophobia out of her love for me. However, idk how the rest of my family would fit into this, that’s why I think that if I did fall in love with a girl when I’m older it’d be easier to just leave my family as a whole. But I’ll worry about that when the time comes.

Also I just wanted to share an experience I had with my friends at a sleepover (it happened maybe 4-5 months ago). There were 4 of us and 2 of them decided to get drunk, me and my other friend, let’s just call her Jenny, were sober though. Anyways, while the 2 were drunk they asked me, “Are you a lesbian, coz we think you are. It’s ok if you are. It’s not about being lgbtq it’s just about being who you are,” it was something like that. They were drunk so I just didn’t reply but Jenny was right next to me and I could feel my heart completely sink, it felt like I just got outed. Luckily though Jenny is one of my friends that I trust the most, I’ve frothed over girls in front of her so it’s not like she was at all surprised. Jenny did exactly what I wanted her to do and she just completely ignored it and acted like nothing happened. She might’ve said something like “just ignore them” but I can’t remember. Also I’m pretty sure Jenny didn’t drink because she didn’t want me to be the only sober one, so my point is that she’s a really good friend. Also, one time Jenny sent me this tiktok that said “happy pride month to those with clear iPhone cases” then texted something like “love you no matter what.” I played it off like a joke though. Then later we were hanging out and the phone case thing was brought up. I actually switched phone cases a couple days ago, which wasn’t planned at all, so I made a joke about being straight. Then she said something really sweet like “it’s ok you can talk to me, you can try different things out but you don’t have to hide who you are.” She was referring to the case and just joking around but at the same time I feel like this was her way of telling me I can trust her without actually forcing me to come out. Joke or not I’m sure she’ll be supportive. The other friend I’d wanna tell (I wanna tell 2 coz I don’t want the 1 person to feel like it’s all on them) I’m not as close with but they read/watch a lot of gay books/shows, I know that sounds kinda weird but my points is that she’ll be really empathetic and know how to respond. Anyways I just wanted to tell someone that story.

Thanks for letting me share 🙂