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TW: struggles with friends

i might add a warning of kinda minor homophobia before i start

 

so i have a big group of friends i guess and they all know that i am lesbian. while they havent expressed any homophobia, some of them have said things that quite offended me. Last week, some person walked past us being really annoying and trying to show off.

Spoiler
the next day my friend did a (very fake) apology and i was confused as to why she was apologising and then she said "i called him a (f slur)".

i didnt hear it and obviously didnt react so she was better off not mentioning it, but this isnt the first time she has said it, or at least around me. She also asked me sexually innapropriate questions about a girl i like and didn't notice my uncomfort even when i ignored her, but then the next day she had kinda censored herself when asking sexually innapropriate questions about my friend and her boyfriend. I dont understand how her asking sexual questions about me and a girl is any different than asking about my straight friend and her boyfriend.

 

While i am moving schools and have little time left with them at school, it makes me upset and uncomfortable but i dont want to confront her or speak to her about it because i dont want to be seen as sensitive. Any advice?

virgoduck6
virgoduck6Posted 13-11-2023 12:27 AM

Comments

 
Blake_RO
Blake_ROPosted 13-11-2023 03:13 PM

Hey @virgoduck6 

Welcome to the Online Community! Thank you for sharing this with us, it sounds like this has been a tough situation to experience and I am really glad that you have found us and have been able to open up about this.

I am really sorry to hear that you had to experience this. I can only imagine how upsetting it must be to know that your friend used that slur. That is not okay and no one should ever have to hear that from anyone. I am also sorry to hear that she has been asking you inappropriate questions. It is very understandable that this makes you feel upset and uncomfortable.

I was wondering if you have been able to talk to anyone about how this has made you feel? Or if you have any other close friends that are aware of this?

 

I know that you mentioned that you are unsure about whether you should talk to her about this and it is completely up to you but I wanted to let you know that the way you are feeling is very valid and understandable. You shouldn’t have to ever feel uncomfortable and upset around friends, and this does not make you sensitive. It is not okay for anyone to use homophobic slurs, and for anyone to continue to ask you inappropriate questions – even if they are your friend.

With friendships, it can be really important to have needs and to set boundaries – this doesn’t mean that we are being sensitive. I wanted to share some resources we have around friendship and sexuality which you may find helpful. If you wanted to talk to your friend about this, we also have an article here about how to tell your friend they’ve hurt you which has some really great tips that you may be able to use.

 

How you are feeling after sharing this with us?

I hope you know that the Online Community is a safe space and that we are all here to listen and support you as much as we can.

Hope to hear from you soon.

 
sage_wombat
sage_wombatPosted 13-11-2023 01:25 PM

Hi! I understand you may not want to talk to your friend as these things may be uncomfortable to discuss. As you're moving schools shortly I'd recommend just distancing yourself from them and focusing on your own happiness. I know you may not want to 'cut them off' or hurt their feelings but if they're hurting your feelings sometimes its best to distance yourself for your own mental health and happiness. Don't be afraid to put yourself first!

I hope you enjoy your new school and make some fantastic friends there that accept you for who you are! Just remember your happiness is most important to you so do what's best for you

 
waterlemon
waterlemonPosted 13-11-2023 10:55 AM

Hi @virgoduck6

 

Sorry that you had to go through all that 😞 she doesn't sound like a great friend from her actions.

 

I totally understand why you wouldn't want to talk to her directly about her behaviour, seeing how inconsiderate she was of your feelings. But sometimes it might be good to try talking and tell her that you came from a place of love and don't want to lose your friendship with her (if that is what you want, of course) and try to get her side to come to an understanding of how she has hurt you through her actions.

 

However, if either that doesn't work or for some other reasons you don't want to talk to her directly, it might be a good idea to distance yourself from her for the time being until you are in your new school. Your mental wellbeing is important and if interacting with your friend is bringing you down then it might help to distance yourself and hang out with more welcoming friends.

 

Hope this helps!

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