The possibility of being attracted to men and feeling lust for my ex friend’s ex
For years I’ve thought myself as a lesbian. I have never even thought twice about if I find a man attractive, the answer was always no besides the weird exception of Harry Styles. Maybe it was because at the time almost all the boys were too immature for me to be in a romantic relationship with. But suddenly everything has changed.
For some background info, my ex friend abandoned me now a few months ago with almost no explanation besides the fact I did something that really hurt her friend (my friend at the time too until that moment). Anyway, a few weeks after I was abandoned, my ex friend dumped her boyfriend. They got back together later next day and then broke up again a few days later. The second break up was about a month ago now. And not long after the second breakup, her ex decided to get a drastic haircut and buzzed his hair. At first I didn’t really like it at all, but as it started to grow back a bit, I really started to love it.
And not long after liking his new hairstyle, I began to have explicit thoughts about him. I never viewed him as anything more than my (now ex) friend’s boyfriend for that past year and then turned ex’s friend boyfriend which later evolved into ex friend’s boyfriend. I’ve always thought he was a cool dude and a very kind one too, I know he would never hurt a fly. When he came to school wearing black nail polish, I was turned on even more. I’ve thought about us kissing, making out, having all kind of sex. And I’ve had sexual thoughts about people before (all women previously) but never this strongly.
But I’m unsure if this desire is as clear-cut about him or just something he brings to the table. For example, could I just crave a close connection with a familiar face after losing my only two friends a few months ago? (Before anyone worries, I’ve made new friends since and I’m way happier with them than I was with my old friends). Could I just be into the idea of doing all these activities with because they would be new experiences for me and probably not for him and he could guide me through it without it being traumatic because he will be gentle and make sure it is consensual the whole time? I’ve never had a proper relationship before and I’ve never hooked up with anyone.
And also there’s some guilt of breaking “girl code.” Even though ex friend and I aren’t on good terms, I don’t want to hurt her. At first I thought I had these thoughts to get back at her but I honestly I don’t think this is the case. But honestly I don’t think she could be too critical of our relationship if I somehow ended up dating him, my other ex friend is dating an ex boyfriend’s of her ex best friend which we were both supportive of. But I don’t think I would want a long-term relationship with him. I don’t know if I have the capability to love a man that way and I would hate to lead him on. I think the ideal would be friends with benefits (maybe even secretly to avoid the shaming at school) and see where it goes from there.
Anyway, I don’t know what to do with this attraction. It’s making me very horny a lot more than usual and sometimes it gets in the way of things.
Comments
Suddenly feeling attracted to people we least expect is so normal, and exciting! But the uncertainty of it all can be confusing, especially since it seems like this is the first time you’ve found a man attractive. Our sexualities and experiences of attraction are dynamic and can always change. It sounds like you’re learning more about yourself and there are quite a lot of thoughts coming to mind because of it! Experiencing these new feelings is simply part of life ❤️
I’ve been in the situation where I was uncertain if I was actually attracted to someone or not. It can feel so confusing, and I can see that you’ve thought of some explanations for this lust you’re feeling, I did the same thing! I agree with both @appletree and @Scarlet_Locust that getting some thoughts out of your head and into the world (e.g., on your notes app, journal, talking with a friend) could help to clear your head a little bit. I also found that in my personal experience, my feelings for the person in question changed over time (the more I talked to them, the more my feelings grew). Just know that you don’t need any reason to validate your attraction to someone, we can’t help how we feel!
With all the uncertainty, I understand how hard it might feel to decide what to do exactly. I think a good first step is clarifying your feelings about him a bit more, which it seems like you’ve started doing already! Then, it’s up to you what you want to do with it!
Reach out again if you ever want to let any more thoughts/feelings out about it, or talk about this more (or talk about Harry!!!)
Hey @SwiftnessGem !
It sounds like you've had a lot going on lately so I think it's really understandable that you'd be feeling so many complicated feelings and thoughts at the moment.
I think the feelings you're describing here re attraction are super common for a lot of queer people! I definitely relate to the sense of confusion you've described - i've been through a few different identity labels over the years, so I definitely understand just how draining and strange it can be to think that you finally understand your identity, only to discover another facet altogether. I've definitely had different experiences with different people that have made me rethink the way I label my sexuality, and that's ok! The way I see it, we're all just learning more about ourselves as we go along, and, attraction isn't always, but definitely can be, fluid after all. You're allowed to go through life and have new experiences and change your mind.
I also think it's really insightful what you've mentioned about the possibility of craving a close connection that reminds you of your ex-friend. I think this would be completely understandable too. Something that might really help with deciphering these feelings a little is doing a bit of formal reflection - maybe writing things down or having a good chat with someone you trust about everything. I think it's so easy for thoughts to get really tangled up in our minds, to the point where they become increasingly confusing. I'm wondering if it might help you to reflect a little on how you're feeling about that person you're no longer friends with anymore, and whether you at all miss that relationship and person. That might help you a little more to work out how your feelings for this guy fit into the context of him being your friend's ex.
Sending you lots of good vibes while you're going through this. We're all here if you need to chat a little more! 💜
PS I do definitely think that Harry Styles is an exception for most people 😂
Hey! @SwiftnessGem It is totally fair that you are feeling a bit confused at the moment! It sounds like you have had a lot going on. Remember that as you go through life it is okay to change and grow and enjoy things that you didn't think you were into. I am also sorry to hear about your relationship ending with your friend! That is quite rough and I can imagine how liking her ex would make it even more complex. It is also fair enough that you don't want to cross any boundaries with your ex-friend - it is very considerate of you. But remember that lots changes and your wants are important too! It is very normal to have all sorts of fantasies - and it is totally up to you whether they are things you want to explore or things you are happy just to have as fantasies. If you find them to be overwhelming, sometimes it can be great to have an outlet like a journal or even the notes app on your phone. Hope this helps!! 😊
