This is so frustrating
So rn I'm questioning if I'm like lesbian or bi. And I'm leaning towards lesbian. And like most of the time that feels right. But then sometimes I just feel like that can't be real, and I can't be gay. And idk how to describe it exactly, but I just feel like what if I'm not. And I tell myself all the reasons I have to be straight, and think what if I just wanna look like her, and that's why I find her attractive. Like I genuinely wonder like what if I'm not even attracted to women at all. And I've never had a crush on a girl before apart from celebrity crushes. And I basically convince myself I'm straight and it can sometimes be for like a week. And like even now I think that sometimes, and I feel like I need something to prove to myself that I'm gay bc otherwise I'm just gonna keep going thru this cycle. And I just feel like it's never gonna get any less confusing. Is this like normal? Could this be like internalised homophobia or like compulsive heterosexuality, I'm not rlly familiar with these terms.
Comments
Hi!
I know I'm a bit late to this post, but I just wanted to share that I relate to everything you've said, it's like we're the same person! I too feel like I could be lesbian, but I haven't had much exposure to lesbian couples and all of my friends are straight so it's pretty confusing. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone! I also feel like I could be someone who needs to get to know a person before feeling attracted, but I'm not too sure because I've never actually been in a romantic relationship. Something that helps me when I'm feeling confused is watching and reading things with lesbian and straight couples, just so I can kind of see them side by side. I'm not sure if you've seen these but my favourite shows/movies for that are do revenge, atypical and sex education, and my favourite books are the seven husbands of evelyn hugo and malibu rising.
Good luck!
I totally understand, i am going through the same thing, it's like am i bi, am i les, am i straight?! and i also that is is pretty normal to try and prove that you are straight because there are so many things that come with being LGBT+ like descrimination etc. i think you just have to take your time and not force yourself into anything. sorry that probably wasn't very helpful.💗
It's nice to hear that other people are going thru the same and I'm not alone. Your comment was very encouraging and good luck figuring out ur own stuff ☺️
Hi @Frog444722
As a lesbian, I'm happy to share with you my own experiences which may resonate with yours.
I, like you, have never had a crush on a girl besides celebrity crushes, but I personally think that's the case due to my (very restrictive) definition of a crush as someone I want to pursue a specifically romantic relationship with, which takes a long time for me to feel, despite finding some people attractive. Think about how you define a crush. Is it wanting to kiss someone? Wanting to date them? Or simply feeling some butterflies around them? You evidently are physically or sexually attracted to women at the very least, seeing as you have celebrity crushes. However, there's no deadline by which you should have had a crush, so you're under no obligation to label yourself, or stick to the same label.
Sexuality is not something you have to prove to anyone. You suggest that this could be internalised homophobia or comphet; this is possibly the case. It could be true that you currently see any labels for your sexuality as inadequate, because labels and words are in themselves inadequate. When you label anything, such as your sexuality, it's not possible to label the future and how you'll enact your sexuality then, because the future hasn't happened and it's unpredictable. Labels are instead based on track records, how you choose to live in the present, and possibly what you project for the future. @Chloe-RO makes a good point about how your identification can change. Your feelings themselves might change, or you might be more sensitive to new feelings over time. Labels are not the be all and end all, so hypothetically if you choose to label yourself lesbian now, and then realise that you're bi, that is perfectly okay!
You could be experiencing comphet. Compulsory heterosexuality is a theoretical term that refers more to the socially enforced assumption of heterosexuality, but comphet in the way that it's more frequently used refers to how individual people might struggle to accept their queerness due to heterosexuality being seen as the norm. Seeing as you tell yourself the reasons why you "have to be straight," comphet could be the root of this behaviour. Consider the reasons why you think any person "has" to be a certain way. Sometimes there are basic ethical expectations placed upon people simply by virtue of being born a human, but being straight is not an ethical expectation, although it's still a societal norm.
You say that you feel the need for proof that you're gay. Think about how much "proof" will satisfy you. Do you have a certain level of proof that will make you really believe your gayness, or might you keep raising that standard if you hesitate to label yourself? Do you think you need less proof of being bi or straight? Your description suggests that you are leaning towards the lesbian label the most, and that is enough proof you might need to go with that label for now, which can always be changed if you begin to feel differently.
I'll conclude this by saying that this questioning is perfectly normal and I too hesitated a lot before labelling myself lesbian; my "lesbian awakening" was not so much a realisation that I'm a lesbian, but an admission of the feelings I had always felt. It's natural to feel like the confusion will never pass, but that's because you're in the midst of it. You don't have to get to an answer, or even see a label as an answer; your emotions can speak for themselves. Enjoy feeling them!
Edit: I just read your new reply to @Greenfern , and keeping that information in mind, I'm still wondering what it means for you to have a crush. Do you feel like you need physical attraction to have a crush? Perhaps you could look into the split attraction model, which separates romantic and sexual attraction.
Wow thank you for spending that much time in a reply, it must have taken you a long time. Your explanation of comphet was very helpful. Also, when I've had a crush on guys, it was never for their appearance, but for their personality or because I was already friends with them, I never had a celebrity crush on a guy because I didn't know them. My defenition of a crush is someone I'd want to date. I also have "little crushes" which is someone I don't wanna date necessarily, but someone Ive met once and I just have a little crush on them for a couple hours/days, I've d "little crushes" on girls but I worry that what if I just want to be their friends. So then it confuses me more.
Thanks for such a detailed reply :)))
Hey @Frog444722
That's very kind of you, I'm glad to hear it! Are you familiar with demisexuality? It's where you are only romantically attracted to a person upon having a strong emotional connection with them, which typically comes with friendship. You say that personality and friendship are the factors that have led you to have crushes on some guys. Do you have any female friends who are as close to you as those guys have been? If so, have you felt similar feelings for them?
You say that you've never had a celebrity crush on a guy because you didn't know them, but you also presumably don't know your female celebrity crushes, yet you are still attracted to them. It's possible that your attraction to women is more physical (unless you answer yes to the above questions), while if you are attracted to men, then it's more romantic or platonic.
The worrying that you just want to be friends with your little crushes is absolutely normal! Queer crushes aren't always so clear cut, and friendship and romance can often come hand in hand. If you ever are in the situation where you're in some kind of relationship with a girl but you're not sure if you just want to be their friend, then openness with them is crucial. I do want to ask, with your male crushes, have you not also worried that you "just want to be their friend," considering that they typically start off as friends? What makes you more confident in your attraction to these crushes? You don't have to answer, but you can think about it.
Also, "queer" is a perfectly valid label that could encompass your feelings for the moment. Your confusion possibly comes from the lack of a label that specifies the gender/s of who you're attracted to, but labels can reflect your questioning process too.
Hi @loona
I'm gonna try and answer all the questions, I hope I don't miss any. So I've never had any feelings for my female friends even tho I am very close with some of them, which is one of the things that confuses me even more. When I broke up with my boyfriend, I just wanted to stay his friend because I was trying to figure stuff out. I still miss having him to talk to, but I don't miss any of the dating stuff like holding hands and stuff like that. We only kissed like twice and it felt like nothing. Like it wasn't bad, but it just felt like nothing.
Another thing that makes it more difficult is that at my school there is only about 30 people in my grade, and only one of the girls is openly into girls (she's bi) and she's not the nicest person and shes only dated guys anyway. Because of this I haven't had any exposure to like gay relationships. Could this affect anything.
Again thanks for your help and taking so much time
Hey @Frog444722
It's understandable that you're confused, but great that you're able to articulate your feelings, even if you're not sure what label they fit under.
The lack of exposure to queer relationships could definitely be a factor affecting your uncertainty. Relationships are unique, but perhaps you could consider how your experiences of heterosexual relationships compare with other heterosexual relationships you see. You describe kisses with your ex-boyfriend as having felt like nothing; even if they weren't bad, this could indicate a lack of attraction, since it's a norm for kisses to be enjoyed. However, other explanations besides you being lesbian are still currently possible, such as the potential for you to be apathetic about any kisses.
Also, think about how small the pool of people you know, and thus the people you can have a crush on, is. Your grade is evidently small, and this is exacerbated by the lack of queer girls in it. You note not having had a crush on any of your female friends; it's still possible that by chance, none of them are what you're attracted to anyway. This could apply to the guys you know too. This would be no excuse for anyone telling you that "you haven't met the right [gender] yet," though.
Labelling your sexuality kind of necessitates reaching a certain threshold of "crushes" or attractions (or the lack thereof), as well as experiencing these across a long enough duration of time. It's not that you can't pick a label after only liking one person, for example, but sexualities are extrapolations of a sample. I'm a lesbian and I'm not attracted to anywhere near the whole population of woman or non-binary people, but I felt comfortable with the label after being attracted to a large enough sample of them (which is subjective) and no men, because I had developed a track record which people tend to assume will reflect future attraction too.
Like @Pho-RO importantly says, attraction takes time to discover and understand. It might be helpful for you to give yourself time just to experience more attraction to people. Meeting more people may be helpful for you too, especially if there are chances of encountering more queer people around you, who may be willing to unpack your feelings with you, or otherwise give you glimpses of their experiences of queerness.
@Frog444722 hey! I can hear that you are really sitting with some confusing questions, and it's okay to not have the answers right now! Figuring out attraction can be a lifelong journey, and whilst it can be challenging, it is also one you are definitely not alone in. We don't control who we're attracted to, and sometimes it can surprise us when it happens. And it doesn't always follow the clear-cut rules we often see in Hollywood films - people experience all kinds of ways of being attracted to others. For instance, a popular term in the queer community is queerplatonic relationship - which refers to committed intimate relationships which are not romantic in nature. Could be something that you may end up in! You could also explore terms like demisexual, asexual, and aromantic, to see if anything resonates with your experiences.
I think lack of exposure to queer relationships might just mean you wouldn't have come across a scenario that feels right to you. A good way to get some exposure might be to engage with some queer media - I think Netflix has a whole subcategory dedicated to LGBTQ media, could be worth checking out! And you can also always get in touch with the lovely folks at QLife if you wanted to chat to someone about your experiences. Good luck on your journey 😊
@Pho-RO thanks for your advice. So many people have been very encouraging, and it's definitely difficult to figure everything out!
Hi @Frog444722,
I genuinely think sexuality can be really confusing, and that there does not have to be a rush to define your orientation. I am still unsure about myself :))
You mentioned that most of the time defining yourself as lesbian feels right; however, you also mentioned that apart from celebrity crushes and finding girls attractive, you have never had a crush on a girl before. That would understandably raise doubts about whether you are truly lesbian. On this point, I'm just wondering, have you had a crush on a boy before? Personally, I view my current sexuality based on which gender I have had more crushes on in the past (Ex: for my case I usually like guys, but I've also liked girls before but much less so that makes me more straight but also somewhat bi) I feel like you may be somewhere in between the spectrum of being bi and lesbian, and that there is no need to force yourself to fit into one label over the other. I think as you go through life and have more relationship experience, it will get clearer and clearer who you are actually sexually attracted to and who you feel attracted to because of appreciation or respect. I also think feeling really straight for a week every now and then can be a part of being bi.
Hope this makes sense and hope this helps! :))
-Greenfern
@Greenfern thanks for messaging back. I have had crushes on guys, and even dated one before, but I think don't find guys attractive. I think if u click on my profile u can see previous posts I made about it with more info. Thanks for that comment tho, it was helpful 🙂
Hey @Frog444722 ,
You've raised some really important questions there. It is understandable that it can all be so confusing right now. I read that you are questioning your sexuality and wondering about changes in how you feel. Believe it or not, these feelings are not uncommon. Sexuality can be fluid. That is, you may identify with one group one day, and change the next. The main point is that you feel comfortable with what you identify with at any one point. And yes, this can change day to day!
This article from Minus18 may be helpful in understanding the fluid nature of sexuality. You may even find the umbrella term 'queer' a good one to use - as long as you are comfortable.
QLife might be a helpful service to look into. They are a free and anonymous LGBTI service and have both a helpline and webchat. 1800 184 527
We look forward to hearing how you go.
@Chloe-RO thanks for replying! The thing is tho, when I convince myself im straight, I'm not actually. I just manage to convince myself that I am and I don't know why that is.
Hi @Frog444722 thank you for sharing your experiences with discovering your sexuality- it can be a very confusing process with lots of question marks. I think it's common to spend a lot of time wondering about this and going back and forth in your own mind, like you have said. This is especially since, as you've mentioned, we live in a society where heterosexuality is seen as the norm and compulsory heterosexuality is pushed on us. I wanted to link you in with this article which talks a little bit about internalised homophobia, since you mentioned that you're not really familiar with that term. Maybe this can give you some insight into the experiences a lot of LGBTQIA+ people go through.
I'm curious to know about what it means for you to convince yourself that you're straight versus following your intuition about being bi or lesbian. Does it make you feel better to identify with one label or another in some way? What might it mean for the way you approach life and relationships to settle on a label? You don't need to answer now, but we have an article here which has a bunch of questions you can ask yourself when you're anxious about your sexuality. I wonder if exploring your feelings around this and coming back to them when you're convincing yourself that you're straight could help you to find some stability in this cycle you're going through. What do you think?
@Stormy-RO thanks for replying. It would make me feel better to have a label. I know labels don't matter but I feel like if I have a label then I'll stop being confuse.
And also about the internalised homophobia, I'm not homophobic and I don't have a problem with the fact that I think I'm gay. I just was wondering if it's because I was brought up straight.
Thanks for your links 🙂
