lesbian..?

hi @lemurien! thank you, i get what you mean about the ice cream sundae haha. even after that post, i still have doubts if i am lesbian just because i go to an all girls school with not much exposure to guys (and the guys i do know are mostly rude, sexist and homophobic) so idk if i just haven't met the right guy yet. although in saying that, my friends have managed to find guys they're interested in so idk anymore lol

Omg I relate so much to the thought of "maybe I haven't found the right person" but then realising that your friends have no problem finding someone to crush on even though they're in the same boat. I was at a co-ed school, but it was pretty small, so I was like "well the sample size of guys here is crap so how can I really be sure?" Do you think the uncertainty is what's bothering you the most? I can imagine this might get stuck in your head and hang over you, bc it feels like an unanswered question.

yess that's exactly how i feel! i think it definitely is the uncertainty that bothers me the most, idk what to do about it - have you managed to figure anything out to do about it?

hmm, I have HEAPS of thoughts on this, hopefully some of them might be helpful!

the first thing is, I find it unfair that no one ever tells straight people "but how do you know you're really straight, what if you just haven't met the right guy/girl yet?" It's like, they get to just assume who they are, so how come we have to question and analyse ourselves and worry about being 100% certain, before we can embrace our identity? I realised it's quite a double standard, which helped me let go of the pressure to find certainty.

For me, personally, I also realised I needed to embrace uncertainty because uncertainty is actually a part of my identity. I mean, I'm on the ace and aro spectrums, bi, and non-binary; all of my identities are about not being strictly one thing or the other thing. So I'm pretty passionate that everything is on a spectrum and people shouldn't be pressured to define themselves in strict categories and then never ever change their minds. sexuality and gender are so personal, fluid and hard to define! That's because we're a part of nature, and nature doesn't follow rules, it just blooms 🌻

Annnnd the third thing that helps me is knowing that no matter what my labels are, the queer community is a place where I belong. And if you don't feel you are cis/straight, and you want to be part of it, then you belong too! So for me, I figure, "well, no matter what I am, I know I found my people!"

I hope that helps! But, it's such a personal journey, so it's ok if what helped me doesn't necessarily work for you. How are you feeling about all of this right now?

Thanks so much for taking the time to write that! I completely agree with you that it's unfair that straight people don't have to constantly second guess themselves, and about embracing the uncertainty. I think it's hard because everyone except my best friends perceive me as being straight, so I feel like i'm never fully myself (and I don't even know what I am myself lol). I'm very stereotypically straight and feminine presenting and my friends are all straight so I feel like I'm always playing a part, and it also means that I can't experiment with my sexuality with others because everyone thinks I'm straight. 

Hi @Mango_Dove 

I am really enjoying reading the dialogue about identity in this thread. I like what @lemurien  said about us being a part of nature, and nature not following rules. We are so many things and its a normal part of being human to explore who we are.

Im just wondering if you were able to call Qlife to talk with someone about this? Its great that you have found support on Reach Out and I wonder if it could be helpful to say these things outloud to someone that would understand how you're feeling. Whether or not you have, we are here for you 🙂 

Hi Jacqueline, 

I've spoken to Qlife on webchat before and found that really helpful (I was too scared to call lol I don't usually like phone calls) but I agree, I feel like that could definitely be helpful. I've been super open about it with my best friend lately which has really helped, and it's really assuring that she doesn't see/treat me any different now that she knows I'm more interested in girls, if anything it's just made us closer, so I definitely think it could helpful talking about it out loud with a Qlife counsellor.

Hi @Mango_Dove! Fellow lesbian here! Reading your thread has been like reading my own thoughts when I first started understanding and exploring my sexuality. I had that same feeling that maybe I just hadn't met the right guy, and I would try and convince myself that I was attracted to guys that were nice to me, but ultimately it just didn't feel quite right. With girls, things just feel easy and I don't have to think twice about my attraction to them - it's just there, plain and simple. 

I also really relate to feeling like you're 'playing a part' - I am pretty feminine and straight-presenting, too, so most of my friends in school just assumed I was straight. It can be hard to experiment with people and work out how you really feel when you feel like everyone's eyes are on you and they hold the assumption that you're straight. I never got the chance to date or even kiss a girl before I ended up coming out because I was too scared of being 'caught out' or trying something with a girl and being wrong about my sexuality in front of everyone. The internet was a big game changer for me - even though I couldn't seek out other girls at school, I watched lots of queer media at home and this gave me the chance to explore what I was feeling in a way that was safe and private before jumping into the deep end in public. Are there any LGBTQIA+ shows or movies that you really resonate with? Carmilla and Rose and Rosie (both on Youtube) were my favourites back in the day when I was trying to navigate all of these feelings and gave me a bit of solace that yes, femme lesbians do exist, and it's okay to feel how I feel. 

I'm really glad to hear that the QLife webchat was helpful for you, and that your best friend has been really supportive. Sometimes having that one person who accepts you for who you are can make all the difference ❤️

thank you! when i first starting questioning i told a few of my close friends and my mother, and they all took it really well (especially my best friend) so that's good. i haven't come out to anyone with an actual label yet though because of what i said in my reply to @lemurien 

Hey @Mango_Dove 

im glad that your mum and close friends have been so supportive, that can make things alot less difficult. Fair enough about not coming out yet with a label. Sometimes it takes time to figure out who we really are, so i can see why you would not want to say one thing now, only to find discover perhaps more about yourself later on. The pressure though to figure yourself out must be a bit intense. Whats it like for you?   

yeah, it's something that's on my mind almost 24/7 lol i feel like it's starting to affect other aspects of my life so it's a bit much

Hi Mango_Dove,

I'm sorry to hear these thoughts around identifying with a label are becoming a bit much and are impacting other aspects of your life. That sounds very heavy. We're always here if you need a chat or a vent. If it would help to speak with a counsellor, you might like to try the Qlife webchat or phone service. QLife provides Australia-wide anonymous, LGBTI peer support and referral for people wanting to talk about a range of issues including sexuality, identity, gender, bodies, feelings or relationships. A link to their website is here. 💙

Thank you! I have actually spoken to them before and they were really helpful, so I may try again soon 🙂