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Abusive Family coming to Christmas

Hi I guess the easiest way to begin this is to start off with a few basic things. 

My name is _____ and I am 19 years old this year.

My long time abuser is coming to Christmas due to my mom not wanting to be put in an awkward situation with him.

Let’s start with my abuser.  

He is an older sibling actually 6-7 years older ( step sibling) when I was a kid he was really mentally abusive towards me it started around when I was 13 years old. He’d randomly get angry , call me bitch and when I stood up for myself threatened violence e.g .....( just a threat) this was because of a few reasons. He had depression, anxiety and even though he was never treated for this last one I think by my observation paranoia and possibly some other disorders( He also never took his meds) . Because of this he would make crazy accusations then burst into my room and basically scare the fuck out of me and make me really terrified even if that accusation had no basis and about 99 percent of the time was due to his psychotic brain.  ( This was not a rare occurrence Think weekly)

He was especially jarred about emotions and since I would cry ( I was 13) then he would get mad about that and get even worse so I basically mentally turned off my emotions for 5 years or shoved them under.

He would do crazy things  like Watch everything I do whether it’s washing putting a jar on something ( He lost his shit over a jar at one point and basically made a 14 year old cry over it )this was because  he needed a reason not matter how crazy so he could find anything to lash out about me with. I used to count the steps at night hoping he wouldn’t come into my room ( it was all threatened violence not sexual) this went on, and off for apart 5-6 years my mom kicking him out occasionally only for her to invite him back. But a couple of months ago she kicks him out for real. 

I know it’s probably pathetic but when my mom mentioned him coming I almost had a mental break down went up into my room slammed the door and cried for a solid hour and like always with my family they brushed it off as no big deal, as though I’m overreacting( My family’s secret power, downplaying abuse)  I just remembered I couldn’t stop myself panicking or shaking afterwards, The truth is I’m still really really shit terrified of him, it’s ... terrifying. I mean he mentally broke me down and abused me for a solid 5 years almost to the point of suicide and I’m supposed to brush that off so we can all have a civilised Christmas dinner? 

I don’t want to cause trouble for my mom, she’s made a lot of mistakes but she’s a good person.. but I’m scared. I don’t really have anywhere else to go this Christmas and he’s going to be sitting at the same table with me eating the same food in the same room. I just never felt safe with him, not in my room, not in my house, not even in my street. 

How do I cope with this? Can I have your advice please? What would you do in this situation? - P.s he’s too crazy to reason with that’s why he isn’t normal- 

Re: Abusive Family coming to Christmas

I really sorry to hear about the situation you're in @Level01. It sounds really shitty. Do you have any friends to talk to about it? From my experience that tends to help a lot. How about your dad? Are you able to mention it to him? If so, that would at least help the situation a little. Your under a lot of mental stress. I know how hard that can be. But it can get better. 

Re: Abusive Family coming to Christmas

My dad left the picture when I was 7-9 years old. I don’t have a lot of memories of him. My mom divorced him when I was little. He was also really mentally screwed. My brother had to deal with his craziness I think that’s alao part of the reason he’s a raging lunatic now. There are 5 of us in total. Me, my mum, my older sister ( like not much older) the youngest sibling ( I’m the middle child ) Captain Step crazy ( oldest brother ) and my Mum. Also I have friends but not like close close friends... I don’t really want to tell them.. I feel like I’m finally trying to have a normal life, normal friends... normal classmates. I really didn’t want to have to go back to this helpless feeling. Apart from this inner circle of family I also don’t really know anyone else. We have a history of having a lot of crazy relatives. I wish my mom hadn’t invited him...I really really wish she hadn’t. I have to deal with him today now. The truth is I’m sort of alone with this. My mum says he’s going to a counsellor but the truth is she’s said a lot of things to defend him.. even put me second to his craziness.... it may sound ungrateful and I really love my mom but... she doesn’t have a rational mind when it comes to him... I think her love for him would make her sacrifice all our happiness.... it’s hard but ...I think it’s the truth... I used to beg her to kick him out and she’d always justify his behaviour ( unless he threatened me)  ... she’s not a bad person so don’t blame her please ( I know you’re not just saying in just in case)

Re: Abusive Family coming to Christmas

hey there @Level01, first of all, I'm so sorry that Christmas is bringing you so much fear and painful past memories. You are in a pretty tough situation, trying to look after yourself and I guess try to keep things for your family balanced.

I need to check in quickly about some things with you, are you worried about being harmed by him when you do see him? And when you mentioned you have felt suicidal before, are you having of those thoughts at the moment?

I think there is a lot that is bring brought up from your home life in the past, and stress you are trying to deal with right now - getting some help through a counsellor (over the phone on Kids Helpline or Lifeline) before Christmas would be a good place to talk through how you might choose to manage and cope in the short term. Face to face counselling would be a great place to start especially around the emotions you had to block out and the other ways this is still bothering you.

What are your thoughts? =)

Re: Abusive Family coming to Christmas

Sorry I only got to your message until after Christmas I was super busy.
( My mom had injured herself but was still insistent on doing Christmas shopping but I was stubbtoun and did all the lifting. Stubborn woman though)
Also I think I’d get anxious about hearing someone’s voice but it sounds like it would be worth a shot. I’m very determined in learning how to better myself. Mentally I have had some dark days but I think it’s getting less and less. It’s also true that some days are harder than others due to my less than ideal past but I want to try my best. I’m not gonna give up!
Here’s a link to how it went.:
https://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Something-s-not-right/Update-Abuser-coming-2-Christmas/m-p/284121#...

Re: Abusive Family coming to Christmas

I didn’t talk to any of my close, close friends but I took your advice had a cry opened up to a distant online friend and man did it help me out a lot. Your advice really saved me, I didn’t freak out or have a problem during Christmas much. Thank you. I really mean that. Just talking about it with someone... made me feel cared about. I have this self esteem issue where I feel like I have to do everything on my own. Being the second eldest in my family I pushed a lot of my feelings and emotions on the back burner so I could support my siblings ( one younger and one older) but I feel like I forgot that I had permission to ask for help myself and instead of being the one always leaned on it felt nice for someone to offer that kind gesture to me for once. Sorry for the long ramble but I really owe you.

Re: Abusive Family coming to Christmas

@Level01 I'm glad that the RO crew were able to help and that you're feeling better Smiley Happy.

Re: Abusive Family coming to Christmas

Hi @Level01, I wasn't sure whether to reply here or in the other thread where you described how it went, but I thought I'd reply here since most of the discussion has happened in this thread up to now Smiley Happy

 

It sounds like you coped as well as could be expected on Christmas Day and you should be very proud of that. It is absolutely your right to decide not to maintain contact with this person and it is definitely understandable given the suffering they caused you in the past.  You mentioned in your post that it might be time to seek out some counselling, which I think is a very mature and self-compassionate decision. Again, well done on getting through a difficult day!