Am I making a terrible choice? (Suicide tw)

[DruidChild]

Hi everyone. It’s been ages since I’ve been here but I guess I felt in need of some community and peer support at the minute. 

Since I was here last, I moved to another city, got a job, had a relapse and started self harming again, attempted suicide, had 4 trips to ED and spent two weeks across two different psych units. I also started long distance dating the most awesome and amazing person (which kinda made up for the rest of it)!

I’m currently staying with my parents, which is a bit of a nightmare, and planning to quit my job and move back to my home city. The reasons I want to quit are: I’m working in a public hospital and I feel like the hospital system harms patients and I don’t to be part of it; full time work is exhausting and leaves me no time to work on my own recovery; the number of people I had to interact with and the constant noise badly affected my mental health; plus the suburb I moved to is racist and homophobic which was affecting me to the point I didn’t want to leave the house.

Butttt this job is a really great opportunity AND I feel guilty and anxious about wasting the financial help my family gave me to help set up here. 

I’m planning to beg community MH to let me see their social worker with the aim of getting into a disability employment service who can help me find part time work. But I feel so ashamed at the thought of being unemployed and also a lot of grief at leaving my flat - as scary and isolated as it’s been the last few weeks, I still really am going to miss it and the beginnings of a home I built there  

Please tell me that I’m not throwing my life away? Because I really feel like I am. 

[Andrea-RO]

Hey @DruidChild, 

I can totally understand why you'd be feeling so stressed and anxious right now. It sounds like you're really stuck between a rock and a hard place, with both your current situation, and the solution you've figured out to it are really uncomfortable. However, I really want to emphasise that you're in no way throwing your life away. In situations like this, it can be really to focus on the negative consequences of what might happen or how you may be perceived, but realistically, your happiness and wellbeing are the most important things in life  

While quitting your job may seem scary, and like you are wasting a good opportunity, you can also look at it as a really important thing you've learnt about the sort of job you would actually want, and how you want to contribute to society. I think that's something incredible to have learnt, and something a lot of people don't find out until long into their careers. 

Through this past year, I think you've proven yourself to be an incredibly resilient, competent, and brave person, and I know that you'll be able to meet any new challenge that arises  

[DruidChild]

Thank you so much @Andrea-RO . I really appreciate that 

I feel so torn...I’m meant to move to another ward next week and part of me feels like I should give it a go and see if it’s better there, but most of me feels so awful about doing that that I want to throw up. 

Honestly just hate that we have to labour for a living haha. I just want to make art and be kind to people!! 

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @DruidChild. It is nice to see your name pop up again! It really sounds like you have been through a lot since you last posted here. I haven't forgotten how hard you have worked to get to where you are and that is not something that can ever be taken away from you. It is in all the lessons, successes and personal triumphs that you have made. You aren't obliged to stick anything out if it is no longer serving you. The reasons that you have listed sound totally valid I know it probably doesn't make things much easier.. life decisions are tricky and can feel so heavy.

[DruidChild]

Thanks @Taylor-RO Nice to see you, too!! 

Thank you for validating those reasons...tbh one of the main things was the racism...I didn’t even realise how much it had affected me until I was talking to the psych in hospital, who was also a person of colour, and telling her how I get weird looks when I go grocery shopping and kept being told by MH up there that it was my social anxiety. And she was like “No, what you experienced was real, and it’s not crazy to be upset at not having a sense of belonging in your community.” That was such a relief. Plus, how much I miss my family in this city. 

I was stable for the first time in years at the end of last year, and then I started working and everything went downhill  I desperately want to quit, but I’m so scared of disappointing my grandparents, or of being lazy or privileged. 

The frustrating thing is I know exactly what I want to do (Cert 4 in Design then my diploma of Visual Arts) but it’s definitely not what I should do (stay in this job or find other stable work as a nurse). 

[Janine-RO]

Hey @DruidChild , experiencing that kind of racism must be really heartbreaking, and I'm really sorry to hear that you've experienced that. Not having a sense of belonging in your community must feel so unsettling. 

It sounds like you have a good idea of where your true passions lie, do you think dropping down to part time work (maybe through the disability employment services) or doing casual work as a nurse could be better fit for you? That way you could potentially balance it with some part time study as well.  Nursing is such a broad profession, so maybe another kind of nursing may be worth a try. But I also think there is absolutely no shame in taking time to work out what is best for you -it sounds like you have had an absolutely massive year and overcome so much.