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Am i making a big mistake?

Hi there,

 

Please can anyone offer me some advise?

 

I am a 36 year old separated women with two small children that has been plodding along in life trying to raise kids and pay the bills. At the same time fighting a nasty divorce/custody court case,with no family in Australia i though my bed had been made another struggling single mum trying to survive in this expensive city.(Sydney)

 

Until 10 months ago i got talked into going on a date, the first n 16 years, and would you believe it i met a wonderful man,  if i had made a list this man would have ticked all the boxes.All the boxes that is, accept one...

 

He is crazy Jealous, i don't mean a little i mean A LOT, he doesn't like me talking at all to any man, from the barista making my coffee to the checkout guy at coles.He checks my phone and has even gone into my facebook and deleted every male friend i had.At first i found it flattering after 15 years with my ex husband who payed my very little attention it felt sexy having some guy wanting me all to himself but it has now got to a point of being unbearable.Only last night a friends boyfriend put his arm around my waist to say hello and my boyfriend caused such a scene that they actually left the pub.

 

Im finding that this one issue is causing me so much stress and im worried as we are planning to blend our families together and buy a house together this year,at least now i have my own place to go to when we fight,what will happen when i lose that and were under the same roof?

 

As i said earlier he is a wonderful man apart from this and i love him very much,he has been a massive support to me and nothing but kind a patent with my children.

 

What should i do??? suffer this one big problem to otherwise be happy or finish the relationship and return to my sad lonely old life??

 

Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

 

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Re: Am i making a big mistake?

Hi @jodie575 

 

Welcome to ReachOut.com. I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through some tough times with your current relationship as well as doing your best to support your children. ReachOut.com is a site for young adults aged between 14 to 25 years old. However, if you find the information on the forums useful, feel free to browse. 

 

I can empathise with a jealous partner, particularly with one that thinks that going through your phone and social media accounts is ok. It definitely isn't and I can see how it can be stressful as well as irritating to handle. Have you spoken to him at all about his behaviour and why he's doing this? Explaining how this has been affecting you could give you more insight and also help him understand your perspective. If this is an ongoing issue, there's no harm in thinking about future implications in your relationship (i.e. to what extent will/does his jealousy affect you and your children in the long run) and whether it's a wise choice to further commit. 

 

If you are struggling and you would like someone to talk to, Relationships Australia NSW offers online counselling as well as face-to-face appointments by calling 1300 364 277. You can also visit  beyondblue on their online forums, via webchat from 3pm to 12am or via phone on 1300 22 4636. There's also Lifeline via chat and via phone on 13 11 14. On R.O, you may also find these factsheets on conflict in relationships ,  managing pressures and managing stress useful. 

 

Hope this helps and let us know how you go. 

___________________________________________________
Stay excellent
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Re: Am i making a big mistake?

Hi @jodie575,

First up, welcome to ReachOut. It's great that you've found us and you've opened up about your concerns about your relationship. We're here to help! Smiley Happy

I can relate about having a super jealous boyfriend. I only ever dated one guy with that problem, but it was really toxic. He watched me with suspicion every time we were out where there were other guys, and after we'd get home he'd accuse me of flirting with other guys, or he'd say that my male friends had been trying to crack onto me, even if we were just acting like friends. He was convinced I was going to leave him, so he kept trying to control me by threatening to break up with me, or actually breaking up with me, then getting back together. It really did a huge amount of emotional damage to me. Even though I was really in love with him at the time (and I believe he was in love with me too), I could not convince him I *really* loved and wouldn't cheat. I finally had to walk away.

As far as your situation goes, you've described the way your partner is behaving as a "big problem". And it does sound like a big problem if it's affecting not just you but also your friends. It's good that you realise it is his problem, and not yours (when I was in that situation, I thought for a long time if I could do things diffferent, I could stop his jealousy, but I couldn't). Only you can make a decision about whether you want to stay with him or not. Have you tried saying to him what you said in your post -  that you love him and think he's perfect for you, apart from the jealous behaviour?

Here's a fact sheet on Conflict in Relationships which might help you decide how you'd like to proceed. The materials on Reachout have been written for people 25 and under, so you may find them a bit young but I think that's still a good info sheet.

I guess the last thing I'd say is that I know sometimes it's scary to end a relationship if you are worried you'll have trouble meeting someone new (yep, been there). But the fact is, the energy you put into a relationship that isn't working is energy that you AREN'T putting into going out and meeting someone new. And while you stay with someone you think isn't right for you, you aren't going to meet someone who is.

Good luck with your decision, and please update us on how you are going.

 

blithe

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Re: Am i making a big mistake?

Hey Jodie.... Sounds like things have been tough for a long time yet you've made it through it all. You must be a really strong woman, so make sure you hold onto that strength as you navigate your way through this situation with your boyfriend.

 

I really think that it's right that you are worried about how jealous your boyfriend is. It is a big red flag, and sorry to say a warning sign of what's to come further down the track. Almost every woman who I have spoken to in an abusive relationship could have described a beginning of a relationship like yours. Seems perfectly charming and attentive but overbearingly jealous and wants to move things on very fast. Please have a read of this and see if any of it feels like what is going on for you. If you want to chat it through with someone one-on-one call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732, https://www.1800respect.org.au/) and chat it through with them.

 

All the best and remember, yr a strong person with lots of other people around you that can help.

 

 

 

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com