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Being happy in a relationship at a time you can't afford to lose it.

I've been on here before while choosing to get into a relationship at the beginning of the year. I'm doing year 12 and am very committed to it, also managing a part time job to save for university. I was dating this person, he's finished school already, for 3 months, seeing him for 7.One month ago out of nowhere he dumped me, no clear reason and I'd been under the impression we were going great. It had just been a hard week because his workplace had gone on strike and he wasn't getting any work and I had sacs on so we were both stressed. I managed very well, dragged myself out of bed and to school, reached out to friends, knew that id done my best to make him happy so didn't bathe in self hatred. It hurt but I could manage like any breakup. Two days later he contacted me again saying he missed me and it was silly to have dumped me. I didn't quite accept that as a worthy apology, I was not going to take someone back when they see dumping as more of an option than actually talking about what's wrong. I need someone stable this year, someone I can rely on, or nobody at all. But, I agreed to go and see him. I wasn't going to consider getting back together until he could atleast give me a reason as to why he left. He told me he left out of fear of next year, as he's thinking of careers and knows I'm moving to Melbourne for Uni. He's scared he will affect my exams. But now he sees that we can work next year, he knows he wants a future with me and will work around these obstacles to come. We went on some dates for another couple of weeks before getting back together on the 2nd.
However, I'm still having a hard time changing mindset back to thinking in a relationship way. I changed my mindset to thinking about myself and taking care of myself, to cope through a breakup. Now I'm supposed to support, rely on and trust him and be happy again. My heart cant keep up. He's wanting to have a sleepover tomorrow night, as we live in two separate towns. But the last time I slept at his house was the last time I saw him before he made the decision (without my knowledge) to dump me. I'm really scared that if I give in to these feelings, rely on him and fully open myself up to him again... It's going to come crashing down and this time I won't be able to cope so well at a breakup, and it's a heavier time in school that I cant afford to go through any distractions. He's assured me so many times he wants a future with me, he's not leaving. But now that I've looked in his eyes while he told me he doesn't want to be with me, I cant erase it and see him the way I used to, trust him the way I used to. I don't know how to trust him and be happy, I see it as a trap.
I just wish I knew what to do. How to talk to him about it, cos I feel like a paranoid freak when I get upset and tell him I'm unhappy. It's like my anxiety is a bother and needs to just shuttup, when I feel like it's perfectly normal and I shouldn't have to feel so guilty for having them. It's like he expects me to erase what he did to me and fully trust him and just pick up where things left off. I mean having a sleepover less than two weeks since getting back together? I can't think that he expects sex out of it. What if he wants it? I am a very sexual person and want it too but it's far outweighed by fears he will leave me again one-day and these feelings I develop for him now, as soon as I bring down my guard, it'll ruin me.
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Getting back with your ex

 
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Re: Getting back with your ex

Hey @tashmcl that sounds like a tricky situation. It's completely understandable why you're hesitant around him because of what has happened before. Do you feel like you've processed the earlier breakup and the reasons he gave you for them? I'm wondering if you are having doubts about the reasons for the breakup, whether they made sense to you. Your anxiety is trying to tell you something here. Maybe it's about having an honest conversation with your boyfriend but before that, it might be a good idea to take some time and see how 'you' feel about all of this and if there's underlying anger towards your boyfriend. 

 

People break up and get back together again, it's not unusual. But it's not easy and it requires communication and clarity. Perhaps you're feeling very uncertain about how he might behave later. Do you have anyone to talk to about this, like a good friend or something?

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Re: Being happy in a relationship at a time you can't afford to lose it.

I've talked to a good friend of mine about it, they told me I should talk to my boyfriend. I've expressed to my boyfriend that I'm having a hard time trusting him fully, it's going to take some time before I can feel comfortable and safe with him again. I've always had a problem with anxiety, I used to have panic attacks a few years ago and have very little foundations of trust and acceptance at home. I've had professional help for a couple of years and used a variety of resources, but it always fires up during stressful times and especially on social media towards my close relationships. My boyfriend knows ive got a mild anxiety disorder, I delete Facebook frequently during sac times to avoid extra stress. But I sometimes go into this state of mind where i become extremely defensive and freak out over Snapchat telling my boyfriend all my fears. I hate being that person, but I can't control it. The minute I'm happy with him there's this little voice telling me it's only temporary. When I'm thinking about next year, whether or not to take a gap year ect.. I'm very hesitant to discuss it with him.
Normally I'm not this muddled up, it's just been 4 weeks of sacs, I've slacked off on my nutrition and gymming and my head just becomes cloudy with anxiety.
But I don't know how to pick myself up right now, whether I want this relationship or not. I'm not able to erase the fact he left me, I'm still upset over it. When I freak out and need extra reassurance that he loves me and won't leave again, he just tells me to go to bed like my anxiety is a pest and not worth discussing. I always wind up just saying "I'll sleep it off" or "I'll get over it", because talking about it always winds up making me feel like I'm being a bother and making a deal out of nothing. It's upsetting me a great deal and I feel alone in this.
I didn't ask to be dumped, when I was coping he now took that a way from me by coming back and expects me to just pick up where we left off.
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Re: Being happy in a relationship at a time you can't afford to lose it.

I agree with what @Mona-RO said in that it might be a good idea to understand (fully understand) more about what went wrong. Again, I think it's understandable that your nervous about abandonment considering what happened. Don't minimise or judge your feelings it's important to give space to them. In my opinion considering the amount of school stress and life stress you have to deal with, it would be in your interest to just focus on self care and calming strategies (at least for the short term). So the relationship issues still need to be communicated but more importantly, it sounds like you need to focus on you.