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tashmcl
Frequent scribe
since
23-10-2016
26-06-2019
19
Posts
1
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0
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26-06-2019
03:16 AM
Hi all, I'm currently a uni student and I've been dating my boyfriend for about 18 months now. We grew up together since late primary school as close friends and had crushes on eachother on and off but never at the same time... bit of a game of catch haha. Anyways we both moved to the city to study at the same time and became eachothers family basically here. We lived separately the first year and moved in together about 6 months ago. Life has dealt some tough cards. I've been diagnosed with a couple chronic health conditions and had a lot of family breakdown with my family back in my hometown. I've recently just stopped contact with my father too after deciding to end the pattern of child abuse I've experienced growing up. I've been seeing a psychologist to work through all the after effects and it has put a strain on my relationship as depression and anxiety took over through some of it. All in all I couldn't be more relieved to have cut my dad out of my life now. But my partner has started having signs of anxiety and depression now and he has just started seeing a psychologist too, reluctantly. He manages uni and quite a stressful job which I personally think he overworks himself from as well as obviously dealing with my own mental health problems at home... I think has taken it's toll. He has been a huge support in my life and I love him for it. I notice, through the years I've known him. He doesn't show emotion much. He won't tell you when he's upset or open up about it much. I am so glad he seemed help recently, but as his girlfriend I don't really know where I stand because I have no idea what is going on. On the daily: He will come home from work exhausted and just go to bed without more than 2 words to me. In the morning he sounds quite bummed and upset in his tone but just says he's tired when I ask. Anything I do or say to either support him or try and lift the mood he sounds annoyed with. I don't really know how I'm meant to exist and work with living with him when he won't work with me on what I can do, what's going on or atleast how I can help. Back on topic- As I'm studying and trying to work out what I want to do in life, I'm increasingly feeling this feeling like being in a relationship is limiting me. Being with him welcomes the view of it lasting, our families are close so it almost feels expected that we will last. I set this idea up all through growing up with him that he was the perfect person for me, the person I would marry and all that. I wanted kids too. Through all this family breakdown I've now strongly questioned whether I want children one-day and actually have started seeing it as something that would limit me and something I personally wouldn't be good at. What I want to do for a career is an international job too which I don't see working well in a relationship, despite him working for a travel company, I still feel like having someone you have to work with is limiting. Not that I always want to be single, but i feel like whilst I'm starting my life with uni and a career I want to be free of commitment. I often daydream about moving overseas and meeting someone else later in life. I dream about walking out and being myself, not this girlfriend who always seems to compromise and support him with his career choices and ambitions whilst I've just been the partner full of health problems and is low-key viewed as a housewife because I don't work as many hours. I feel guilty for this. But I'm just feeling like I'm suffocating trying to stay as a person I don't want to be anymore. I don't know what I should do.
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15-05-2018
05:38 PM
Yes I have expressed it to him, we stayed up until 4am last night trying to come to a solution. Probably not the best time to resolve issues, but we can't stand sleeping on a fight/disagreement. I expressed how important this is to me and that the last thing I wanted to do was disrespect him and put him out of his comfort zone. But all I can offer is transparency and so far it is just an occasion chat online, nothing more, that we've agreed with. So no catching up in person. I'm completely fine with that, I still get that talking basis that I wanted and not getting too close to cause my boyfriend too much discomfort. But he's not spoken to me all day today, being very short with me, we've got a formal ball on Thursday and I'm hoping we can salvage it in us to move past this and have a nice night. I just feel like I'm being punished for pushing for something I truly care about. Maybe I should just drop it, but to drop it would make me feel like I can't choose who I can talk to, like I'm not trusted or something. I don't want to feel like I need to be guarded by my boyfriend and restricted to who I can and cannot talk to.
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15-05-2018
12:39 PM
1 Kudo
Well what I'm asking I don't see as something unreasonable. I've got two long-term exes and friends with the other. Not best buds, just we chat every now and then to see how eachother are, we were in the same friendsgroup in high school so would see eachother daily but would never discuss anything too private or get too close. He's now moved to Queensland into the navy and he's met my current boyfriend and they get along just fine. There's clear boundaries, like I'd never discuss my relationship with him, never talk too regularly or hang out for anything more than a coffee which wouldn't take longer than an hour. I don't see the issue with having that with Brad. I'm ensuring it's keeping within the boundaries of just friends ( if he ever even implied anything sexual or romantic I'd drop him in two seconds), keeping conversation light and not talking to eachother too regularly. But a huge component is that he respects I'm happy in a relationship and says nothing to devalidate/challenge that. I think that's what you hold any guy friend to? To me, I strongly dislike closing the door on being friends later on after a breakup. Not because I miss them, but because over that time together I got to know them, their family, and I still want them to have some place in my life. I understand he cheated, heck, he was a jerk. I left him because of it, I don't want him back ever because of it. He is a really really poor boyfriend. I'd never wish anyone to go through that. And I've berated and drummed that into him that I'm extremely disappointed and hope his next girlfriend (which certainly will never be me) to be treated better. However, after 8 months I'm over the anger, I feel that the consequence to his poor commitment has played out (he got dumped and has no chance of getting me back), and when all is said and done, he has moved on, I've moved on, and what's left is still a common interest in our animals, work, uni and families which I'd really love to keep updated on and chat about every now and then. So not best buds, but just every few months have a short coffee meet or just chat online to catch up. Nothing more. I understand my boyfriend is uncomfortable, but I'm constantly regulating my interactions with Brad to ensure he's respecting my relationship and not getting too close, and I'm always being very clear in reiterating I have absolutely no sexual interest in him. If anything gave me reason to question if he had intentions with me, I'd not blink when saying goodbye. But so far he only messages every few weeks or couple of months to chat about work, his cats, his family, the conversations only last a few minutes before small talk is over and we get on with our day. It's just important to me to be able to do that, be on friendly talking terms because even though the sexual component is gone, I still do care about how everything is with him. I don't think that's a bad thing. To overcome all that anger, resentment and pain to be able to calmly open yourself up to be on talking terms again is a strength to me. I see it as the same with my current boyfriend. If we ever broke up, of course there would be several months of working through all that anger/pain, bu5 at the end of the day of course I'd still want a friendship. He matters to me more than just for what he gave me sexually. As much as there may ever be an ugly side to him, I know there's a good one too. As long as I wouldn't get too close to put myself in harms way of the ugly side, I'd be happy to open myself to a friendship. At the moment, these values I see as very important to me and who I am are conflicting with my boyfriend. I don't want to have to give up being on talking terms with people who I care about because my boyfriend is uncomfortable. I never ever intended to be disrespectful or hurtful to him, but it's important to me and I want to find a happy medium because I love him, I'm planning a future with him and we both are equally as valid in having to meet eachothers needs to be happy.
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14-05-2018
02:44 PM
Hi, So I've been dating my bestfriend for 6 months now. We've been bestfriends for about 7 years, he's always been there for support and advice through some previous relationships when I was younger, for years we've on and off liked eachother but never at the same time until oneday it just happened after I finished highschool, and here we are six months later. Our families are close, younger sisters are bestfriends, in these 6 months we've moved 200km away from home to University in Melbourne (living separately), going overseas together in July and planning on moving in together next year. What could be wrong, right? Well, as we've known eachother for years, we already have that system of talking about problems and fixing them. We have tiffs sometimes, we make up. However I've noticed in the last couple of months something deep in him, an insecurity is the only way I can describe it. I knew it was there, he never used to have much confidence in himself. Whenever I used to compliment him, for as long as I could remember, he would dodge it. He doesn't like his appearance, his weight and overall doesn't see himself as an attractive person. Where this spiked up for me is in this: last year during my final year at highschool, I dated a guy (let's call him Brad). Now Brad was the typical gym goer, tradie, older guy with a car - you get the picture. I dated him for 10 months, in that time i got to my optimal fitness, I gymmed with him, we went on dates weekly, I knew his family, met a couple of his friends. However we didn't truly have what eachother needed. He wasn't a committed boyfriend as much as i thought, as he cheated on me twice, dumping me to go sleep with other girls around my exam times (I found out from the girls which lead me to break up with him). Through this, I confided in my current boyfriend (bestfriend at the time). I told him details of our relationship, sex life, ect. It has taken me 8 months to feel this, but I've had casual chats with my ex online and he's very polite, expressed how sorry he is, it's only casual chats (about the gym, his cats, work). And I think I'd like to have a friendship with him. I know how much he hurt me last year, hence is why I'm no longer with him and moved on. But I see no real harm in a friendship. He's moving to the city in July, and I'd be open to coffee every now and then. As much as he hurt me, that's therefore ended any sexual desire for him, but I miss the other things like his humor, love for animals and hearing how his family is. Is there anything wrong with that? Well, my boyfriend thinks so. He gets upset whenever I mention I talk to Brad, as though I'm cheating or going to cheat. He says he trusts me, but openly says he's uncomfortable and questions me over why I really need to talk to him as though my reasons for being friends with him are not sufficient. In the next breath, he says it's his insecurity. I feel like in order to be a good partner and support my boyfriend, I have to give up the opportunity for a really great friendship, or even talking for that matter. I don't like cutting people off when there's a chance to be on friendly terms. It's like this dark shadow lingers and I'm out of line for arguing it and not just giving in and dropping that friendship completely. What do I do?
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02-07-2017
10:31 AM
Thank you very much. I used to be a person who was obsessed with social media and trying to prove that I could have a long term relationship to be seen as a good partner. In my last relationship we dragged out our relationship and were miserable in the last 6 months, I put so much pressure on him to get our 1yr anniversary right, so I could post it on Facebook and our friends could view us as the perfect couple. But in fact the day was horrible and we weren't happy at all. I've brought this topic up with my partner now, and suggested maybe we don't worry about a date. We just say we've been seeing eachother since December and be able to celebrate being together whenever we like ~ when we met, both official dates, Valentine's day, no pressure or worries on making celebrating compulsory, just when we want to. It's a relationship, not a marriage. We've also never put our relationship up on social media, I just tell people who ask and its personally probably my most happiest relationship : specifically because he empowers me to look at these faults I have in my views and attitudes, and encourages me to improve myself and we focus on being happy, not seeking public attention. He is happy with the idea.
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01-07-2017
08:29 PM
And what I mean by "broken up" completely is those two days was where I believed we weren't getting back together. I thought he had made his decision to leave and I had to suck it up and accept it. When people ask me how long we've been together I always say "since November" because that was when we were going on dates and openly said we wouldn't see other people. But the official date I don't know whether to count as June 2nd, or Feb 19th. He wants to say June 2nd, I know dates shouldn't mean anything to me but saying we've been together for only a month is almost offensive because I've been his for so much longer.
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01-07-2017
08:15 PM
My boyfriend and I met in December last year and started spending a great deal of time together. I'm doing year 12 and he has finished school and is working. At the time we met I knew I was coming into a stressful year, had recently made the long~coming decision to leave my boyfriend of a year and a half, and hence was very against setting myself up for a painful, and school~distracting breakup. So we were seeing eachother for about 3 months to build some trust and get to know eachother more before deciding whether we would work together. It was exclusive since the beginning, we were going on dates and only with eachother. But we made it official on February 19th and didn't say I love you until about late March or early April. However at some point in May his work was on strike with the unions, I was going through a lot of sacs, things got very stressful, and he was beginning to look at a career for next year. He broke up with me out of the blue, kindly, in person, tearfully. I took it very well~ shocked, but stopped contact with him and dragged myself through my normal routine of school and the gym. I knew that he was a good person, that atleast he did it before school got too serious, and that I would be ok in the long run. However two days later he contacted me saying it was stupid, that he wanted me back and it was idiotic to leave. I wasn't going to put myself through another breakup, I wasn't sure if this was just an act of being uncomfortable as he was suddenly single, or if he genuinely wanted a relationship again. heck, I wasn't even sure if I wanted a relationship again. I'd taken the breakup so well, it hurt like hell but I've never soothed myself that way before, I didn't know how to trust he wouldn't leave again. I told him I didn't want to get back together yet, we needed to be friends for a little bit so I could think. The next day though, we caught up and the day went well, but towards the end of lunch we were joking around about something, he came round to playfully pick me up and that contact hit us both~ resulting in a kiss. It freaked us both out, I started crying because i missed him, we sat down and talked. I wanted to atleast know why he left. He gave me his reasons, they were solvable and we began going on dates and starting over, working on rebuilding that trust and fixing the problems that caused him to leave. We started dating officially again on June 2nd, a month ago. As we were technically only really "broken up" completely for two days, officially off for three weeks, I don't know whether to count it and use June 2nd as the date we will go by for how long we've been together. I've been exclusive with him since November, but the icky "official" dates and "seeing eachother but not dating" make it extremely hard when someone asks how long I've been with him, or what to hold as an anniversary date if we get to it one-day.
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10-06-2017
04:36 PM
I've talked to a good friend of mine about it, they told me I should talk to my boyfriend. I've expressed to my boyfriend that I'm having a hard time trusting him fully, it's going to take some time before I can feel comfortable and safe with him again. I've always had a problem with anxiety, I used to have panic attacks a few years ago and have very little foundations of trust and acceptance at home. I've had professional help for a couple of years and used a variety of resources, but it always fires up during stressful times and especially on social media towards my close relationships. My boyfriend knows ive got a mild anxiety disorder, I delete Facebook frequently during sac times to avoid extra stress. But I sometimes go into this state of mind where i become extremely defensive and freak out over Snapchat telling my boyfriend all my fears. I hate being that person, but I can't control it. The minute I'm happy with him there's this little voice telling me it's only temporary. When I'm thinking about next year, whether or not to take a gap year ect.. I'm very hesitant to discuss it with him. Normally I'm not this muddled up, it's just been 4 weeks of sacs, I've slacked off on my nutrition and gymming and my head just becomes cloudy with anxiety. But I don't know how to pick myself up right now, whether I want this relationship or not. I'm not able to erase the fact he left me, I'm still upset over it. When I freak out and need extra reassurance that he loves me and won't leave again, he just tells me to go to bed like my anxiety is a pest and not worth discussing. I always wind up just saying "I'll sleep it off" or "I'll get over it", because talking about it always winds up making me feel like I'm being a bother and making a deal out of nothing. It's upsetting me a great deal and I feel alone in this. I didn't ask to be dumped, when I was coping he now took that a way from me by coming back and expects me to just pick up where we left off.
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10-06-2017
03:19 PM
10-06-2017
03:18 PM
I've been on here before while choosing to get into a relationship at the beginning of the year. I'm doing year 12 and am very committed to it, also managing a part time job to save for university. I was dating this person, he's finished school already, for 3 months, seeing him for 7.One month ago out of nowhere he dumped me, no clear reason and I'd been under the impression we were going great. It had just been a hard week because his workplace had gone on strike and he wasn't getting any work and I had sacs on so we were both stressed. I managed very well, dragged myself out of bed and to school, reached out to friends, knew that id done my best to make him happy so didn't bathe in self hatred. It hurt but I could manage like any breakup. Two days later he contacted me again saying he missed me and it was silly to have dumped me. I didn't quite accept that as a worthy apology, I was not going to take someone back when they see dumping as more of an option than actually talking about what's wrong. I need someone stable this year, someone I can rely on, or nobody at all. But, I agreed to go and see him. I wasn't going to consider getting back together until he could atleast give me a reason as to why he left. He told me he left out of fear of next year, as he's thinking of careers and knows I'm moving to Melbourne for Uni. He's scared he will affect my exams. But now he sees that we can work next year, he knows he wants a future with me and will work around these obstacles to come. We went on some dates for another couple of weeks before getting back together on the 2nd. However, I'm still having a hard time changing mindset back to thinking in a relationship way. I changed my mindset to thinking about myself and taking care of myself, to cope through a breakup. Now I'm supposed to support, rely on and trust him and be happy again. My heart cant keep up. He's wanting to have a sleepover tomorrow night, as we live in two separate towns. But the last time I slept at his house was the last time I saw him before he made the decision (without my knowledge) to dump me. I'm really scared that if I give in to these feelings, rely on him and fully open myself up to him again... It's going to come crashing down and this time I won't be able to cope so well at a breakup, and it's a heavier time in school that I cant afford to go through any distractions. He's assured me so many times he wants a future with me, he's not leaving. But now that I've looked in his eyes while he told me he doesn't want to be with me, I cant erase it and see him the way I used to, trust him the way I used to. I don't know how to trust him and be happy, I see it as a trap. I just wish I knew what to do. How to talk to him about it, cos I feel like a paranoid freak when I get upset and tell him I'm unhappy. It's like my anxiety is a bother and needs to just shuttup, when I feel like it's perfectly normal and I shouldn't have to feel so guilty for having them. It's like he expects me to erase what he did to me and fully trust him and just pick up where things left off. I mean having a sleepover less than two weeks since getting back together? I can't think that he expects sex out of it. What if he wants it? I am a very sexual person and want it too but it's far outweighed by fears he will leave me again one-day and these feelings I develop for him now, as soon as I bring down my guard, it'll ruin me.
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14-12-2016
10:14 AM
Now, adding onto the gym buddy I've made. I haven't met him recently, I actually met him a few months ago In the gym and we had talked on Facebook. I remember when I was still dating my ex, I had met this guy who had a job, took an interest in taking care of himself by keeping fit and healthy, and who had been in a long-term relationship himself. at the time, he wasn't over his ex girlfriend, and I was starting to have issues with my ex boyfriend. there was a click, a small attraction, so I had stopped talking to him out of loyalty to my ex, as i didn't like the thoughts he was bringing out inside me from a place I didn't understand. Now, I ran into him again about a week and a half ago, he said he has been going really well and is over his ex, and I had said I've finally come out of my relationship after quite a miserable few months, and have started working really hard at the gym again. So we decided to meet one afternoon, just to say hello again. I'd explained to him that id stopped talking to him a few months ago because I had felt a small attraction, that I didn't want to feel as I was loyal to my boyfriend. He understood completely, and apologised for anything he did to bring on that feeling. we got talking about our work, school, our ex's and all kinds of subjects and it turned into an hour long conversation for what was meant to be ten minutes. I remember he was very tall, and quite attractive, despite his sweaty appearance as he had just come from the gym. I felt really happy talking to him, and he said I looked really beautiful and actually kissed me after asking if it was ok to. a few days later I got a text asking if I wanted to meet up for lunch and hang out. I went along, and noticed we talked for hours on end, about hobbies, our new gym routines, he explained in more detail about his job, his parents, I felt really comnected to him on a level I felt like we were both contributing to as perfectly capable, independent individuals getting to know each other. He told me about his friends, and really seemed to open up to me..which got me thinking this might not be a fling, he might actually be someone I could potentially date in the future. He kissed me again, I could tell he was out of practice but it was sweet, and he even wanted to introduce himself to my parents which seemed to go well..only as a casual basis as we aren't dating. after my birthday, about two days later he wanted to take me out to a cafe for lunch, so yesterday we went to this little cafe and sat at a table downstairs and enjoyed lunch together. I could tell he had put cologne on, and we had talked a little over 45 minutes before he said he liked me, but would wait until I'm ready before asking for anything serious as he respected I've just come out of a relationship. we finished lunch, which through argument I let him pay for, then we went shopping and I bought myself a new sports bra before he drove us to the gym and I hit the cardio which was part of my new routine to lose some weight over the holidays. after that we cooled down in a park, under a tree with some water and he drove me home. Today I have a meeting with my trainer to officially adjust my routine (as I've got a spinal injury I need specific exercises for, that the physio and chiropractor have asked me to do), then he wants to pick me up and take me out for sushi and a swim as it's very hot weather. I really think I like this guy, a lot. I've got these small defence mechanisms worried he's just wanted sex and he will leave, but I don't think he is from how he's been acting. I am still cautious as I'm just starting year 12, a year I can't afford to have emotional fluctuations in that could affect my grades, and I know if we started dating anytime soon I'd get a lot of criticism for 'moving on too fast'. it's weird, cos I never ever thought I'd like someone this quickly, but to be honest, I feel completely over my ex and happy to see this new opportunity. I have been miserable with my ex for months, and we had been dragging it out until after exams..so I have felt alone for much longer than the official breakup date. But I still want to give myself time to settle in and pick my life up again, continue these new goals before depending on someone else again. What do you guys think? is this a rebound or potentially someone I might be able to work with when I'm ready to commit?
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14-12-2016
09:49 AM
Hey guys, just a follow up. So I left my ex almost 4 weeks ago after exams and could not be happier. I thought this was going to be tough, after dating almost 14 months. but really, I realize how much I needed this. I've started a new routine at the gym and actually lost some weight, and eating clean. I've made new friends at work, and a gym buddy I want to talk about in a minute. I've told my ex I do want to be friends when he gets over me, which he needs to take time away from me to do. it's school holidays now so he had 8 weeks before he needs to see me again. so far, I did have about a week of feeling lost and lonely, but have made some amazing new friendships to fill that void. he actually immediately looked very happy in the first week, surprised, it still confirmed I made the right choice. He has messaged me out of the blue a few times, despite me telling him he needs to take some time away from me to be happy without me, but I've been polite and tried to re-emphasize the point. I do want to be his friend and support him, but he needs to learn to walk on his own two feet without leaning on me too much the way he did in our relationship. But for me, I actually don't miss him, and it never crossed my mind of going back. I am very very happy now, and feel like I can finally achieve the things I want, and not feel weighed down by someone else who didn't have he same ambitions for personal growth
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27-10-2016
04:45 PM
Haha yes I have just done year 12 health and absolutely loved it..also my parents are both nurses so ive been inspired in health since day dot. But health class really has made me confident in pursuing a career in nutrition. Iwant to do my masters of dietetics, so i can either be a dietician, nutritionalist, in hospitals of work with companies, manufacturers or aid programs..but definitely nutrition. I am feeling quite certain now that its best to end it, its just about keeping him off my back for this next week. He keeps messaging me after school wanting to talk about us and so ive had to block his fb messenger and his phone. Hes hasnt understood that i dont want any drama for 1 WEEK..and its made me so frustrated because he keeps undermining the importance of this exam to me.. how hard ive worked and this exam matches my whole years worth of marks so i need to work hard. Its really dissappointed me that he hasnt respected my wish to concentrate and him to not bring anything up until afterwards. He keeps putting his little feelings first and so i have given up. Im just not talking to him at all
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26-10-2016
10:56 PM
I cant do it. Today we were formally awarded house captains, which i knew would set him off because hes jealous. He looked so sour and grim during the ceremony so i avoided his face in the crowd. When we did a house activity he didnt participate and just sat on the sidelines looking grumpy.so i avoided him the rest of the day. I just cant be thinking about and supportinf him right now. Over text hes sent me all these complaining messages saying its not fair, that Nina didnt deserve it and it was a mistake not to give it to him. I have just gotten sick of him winging at me a week before my exam..so ive told him to f*** off tonight. I dont want to start a fight but hes driving me crazy. I cant stand him. I just wish he would snap out of this and realise its not the time to bring this up, and that loafing around blaming everyone for not getting house captain isnt going to get him anywhere.
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26-10-2016
08:03 AM
Thank you very much, yes i tend to utilise the library but its not open on weekends which is a real pain. So i have been staying back after school doing practice exams for revision and its in exam conditions so im not distracted. Ive been turning off my phone also for an hour or two each night and am hanging out with my girlfriends mostly at school which is really good. Hes laid off a little. Just trying to maintain that. Im still not sure if we should just talk and could work it out..or if im more unhappy and should leave after exams..but ill deal with that question later. Thank you xx
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23-10-2016
10:25 PM
Im mostly scared about how to cope now with him. Im noticing hes becoming.more and more unbearable, we just have so many differences. Just in everyday things like he doesnt wash his hands after the toilet..which absolutely grosses me out, his house has cat fur and poop everywhere and it reaks of smoke which makes me sick, he isnt fussed about having a job yet but hes 18 and wants a car and stuff next year and i want to be able to go out on more dates cos im over just Doritos, pizza and movies at his place where i come home smelling like cigarette smoke and have fur all over me. Its gross. I am worried about his diet cos here i am following a dietician career and he eats a box of shapes or chips or sweet cookies everyday at school, and only has takeout for dinners. He doesnt understand my stresses of school, he doesnt understand basic hygiene or presentability in a job interview, i have to teach him things, tell him what to do and act more like a mother because his parents are so laid back. I need to do his resumes, help him choose career pathways, help him choose hos subjects at school, organize every date, its confronting and frustrating when i have my own stresses. And then he goes all sooky and wants attention when i simply need support to focus on school and events that mean more to me than a relationship.
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23-10-2016
10:17 PM
Thank you, yes the future will bring its own set of challenges. We will be living separately for uni, the navy needs him in queemsland, i need four and a half years in melbourne. But thats still up in the air. However afterwards he plans to be an information technition or marine engineer..whichever one stays at the base more and doesnt have to move too much. I just hope he gets in, im so worried he wont.
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23-10-2016
03:53 PM
Yes, i can do that. Ill turn it off for an hour or so tonight to do some revision, thank you
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23-10-2016
03:09 PM
Well first off im starting my last year in highschool at the moment, including a year 12 subject ive got an exam for in less than two weeks. I've always been very good in school, and take it very seriously as im set on university to pursue dietetics. Im wanting a high ATAR for university so find it very stressful around exam time with managing other things. Ive been dating a guy i go to school with, for over a year now. We come from very different families, I'd like to think I come from a normal middle class family, my parents both are nurses and we have just moved into a big house with a few acres. My parents have always brought me up to focus on school, ive had a job at the local supermarket for 2 years to teach me responsibility and time management. My boyfriend comes from a family where his parents just work casual jobs here and there, or the doll at times, they smoke and drink, they rent and have 3 cats and 2 dogs in the house (no litter tray), and hos older brother has resorted to the same way of life (no job, and relies on his gf for living, money and driving places). Well, my boyfriend is one month away from turning 18 and has never had a job. Despite being one year older than me, he seems like the complete opposite to me. He is never stressed about school, and continues to get Ds or Es on his report card, he has this idea of the Navy after school but I don't understand why hes not stressing about school to get into the Navy (as i need grades for uni, surely he does for the navy), he has always been on the other end of the stick to me. Im a very clean, orderly, and passionate person, but hes just laid back and blames others when he doesnt get what he wants. First off, in the first six months of dating him I found a pattern that every time we had a date, went out for lunch, or did anything together I copped the bill because I worked. I remember the ideas of my future gathering, the idea of saving for a car, the desire to save for a trip to new zealand for a scuba diving course (which i did), and simple pocket money became harder when i was paying for meals for him and me combined every weekend. At the time we lived in separate towns, a half hour away, and i would pay for his meals and things regardless of whether i came to visit him or he came to visit me. I once paid for pizzas for his whole family when I CAME FOR DINNER. It got to a point where i just said STOP. I told him that it was not fair that he should come to visit me with no money on him and expect me to pay everytime he wanted takeout. I told him to get himself a job so he could share the bills with me because i wasnt going to be out working anymore to pay for him, while he was off with his friends. He thought i was being unfair and pushy, an it took over a month to convince him to apply for jobs, which completely shocked me cos i cant understand how anyone wouldnt feel guilty about making their partner pay every time, and then argue when they wanted you to get a job and help out. Well, it went on and on, i had stopped paying but found that now, i couldnt go out with him at all.. when i wanted to go out to a movie date he was worried about money and it became a drama and i felt guilty for asking to go out. I noticed i was the one lookung for jobs and he only actually applied at jobs i told him to. I noticed he would come over all the time and be fed and stuff at home, but then mum started saying to me we cant afford to feel five people every day..we arent as rich as he thinks we are. He tells me he will get a job, but hes told me that hes not passionate about getting a job. The reason ive contunued to push him to get one isnt just about evening out the date bill. He has this fantasy about a car when hes 18, and a gap year.. but you need money for a car, moneg for petrol, a gap year you usually work in to get money for when you start studying or training again...but ive told him casual jobs arent easy to find the older you get. Employers won't hire an 18 year old woth no experience. But hes never listened, and taken his sweet time with applying, and never follows things up unless they call him themselves (i always call or email a week after applying to seem eager). Well, im coming up to my exams. Our 1 year anniversary was last week, and we were planning to go out for dinner (second avtual dinner date in a whole year). Id spoken to him in the morning about a venue, and then dug into study over lunch time. He wasnt contactable from 1pm onwards...which i wasnt fussrd about. It came around to 5pm and i wanted to know a time, so i could book a table. But he wasnt contactabke still. His phone was off cos i couldnt call. It came to 6pm, a universal dinner time time..and i still hadnt heard from him. Mum was wanting to order pizza for tea (takeout is a treat in my family), and it was 6.30 now. I rang his dad whom didnt know where he was. And then 7pm hit, it was a school night, mum wanted to know if i was going to dinner or not..so i just stayed in. Finally i got a call at 7.30, when i was halfway through my pizza dinner at home. And he didnt even achknowledge the time, he just said "when we going?". Id found out he was with his friends at the pool just down the road from me, but instead of calling or swinging by when he was done, he rode all the way home (a half hour trip), before bothering to check his phone. I couldny believe it, he had just screwed up our anniversary. Since then ive woken up and realised we both want different things. Im a person who plans my goals and works hard toward them, he doesnt. I dont think its his fault, but im sick of stressing FOR him, finding a job FOR him, doing his resume, feeding him and constantly being let down on important events or simple dates. I think he just needs to mature a bit and realise he consequences of not working hard for what you want..like he will realise he needs a job for a car. But i dont want to wait for that, im sick of waiting to see the responsible man i want. And that person simply isnt possible at our age, so i keep having thoughts about wanting to be alone to focus. Cos i feel dragged down. Last week me, my boyfriend and another girl Nina were all going for House Captain in school. We had an interview, speech, vote and me and Nina got it. I was really upset for my boyfriend cos i know he really wanted the position, but i needed it for a uni scholarship to show my community service. I still offered to decline the position and give it to him of he really wanted it, cos i didnt want him to have a grudge against me..cos hes always made me feel guilty for having the grades, job and success i do now. He told me to take it. But the next evening he sent me texts saying how he felt worthless, like a failure, and that it was all the teachers fault. He said he was over trying. I tried to confort him, but wasnt going to support his idea of giving up. I told him to look at his life, and write down what he wants and make a plan on how to get it. I said if you want a job, find ways to improve your communication skills and other things like working harder at school, or if you want leadership positions to help out with leadership whereever you can to gain some leadership skills. Well he continued to take the negatives out of what i said, and it eventually twisted around to insults. He began saying i was just as bad as the teachers, that i sucked at comfort iust cos i get everything i want and dont understand hard work, and that i was selfish to have taken the role. That was when i woke up and realised i didnt want this. He might make me happy and laugh and go all bubbly when im with him, but he drags me down in my success in other aspects of my life. Im scared his failures are going to affect me after school, like he wont get into the navy because his grades arent high enough and will expect me to support him when im doing uni, or that in year 12 he will be relaxed and want attention and distract me from my own grades and i wont get into uni. Its all shown its true colours this month. With the last week ive wanted time away from him to focus on school, and im feeling really shit cos i think i want to break up with him for my own benefit..and he keeps pushing it and wanting to talk, call and come over to talk about if im dumping him or not...all because i told him i want space to focus on my exam. Hes making so much drama and keeps calling and wanting 'attention' cos he feels worthless still for not getting house captain..when i have my final exam in less than two weeks and feel like hes distracting me. I am planning to breakup with him after the exam cos its been 6 months and hes still got no job and nothing has changed. I am feeling dragged down, and that all he offers me is cute gooy feelings but no real support. But at the same time i dont know how to keep him off my back for the next week cos i cant afford distractions right now. I see him at school everyday, its hard to avoid him. And when i avoid him its oobvious and starts more drama.
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