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Feeling empty...(American) need someone to talk to

I feel very lonely. It’s weird I’m a very extroverted person, but at the same time most people unless they really get to know me just kinda laugh me off. I’m really good at cracking jokes, but that has left me in a position where no one takes me seriously. Everyone just kinda knows I’m a head case. I have several very close friends, but at times it feels like I’m a kinda hard person to maintain a friendship with, like I’m high maintenance or something. I’m sick of being labeled. I’m actually kinda smart. I’m gay too, but at the small school I go to there are actually zero out of the closet boys. I fell in love with my best friend and that has been really rough on me. He understands me more than anyone I know we share music with each other and could laugh w each other for no reason. I’m always pushing myself to keep up with him in cross country and he’s always pushing myself to be more accepting of myself. Ever since I told him I had feelings for him though he’s left me kinda in the cold. He’s still there for me, but less. He’s scared I’ll become emotionally dependent on him. I have depression. I feel constantly empty. Self harm has become a regular habit. How come friends barely ever text me first? My parents could no longer afford counseling. I wanna place where I can meet and connect w people. Where my overly happy disposition and my emotions are welcomed instead of approached cautiously by others. I wanna spread love instead of searching for it. I’m admittedly an American. There’s no decent American version of this website. 

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Re: Feeling empty...(American) need someone to talk to

Hi @chillywilly 

 

I understand what you mean... I'm guessing it's kind of like having friends but feeling lonely at the same time. I feel like lots of us have a lot of 'friends' who are more people we know of or maybe say hi to, maybe meet once or twice a year but aren't too close to. I'm glad though that you have several close friends. 

 

I firstly want you to try and search deeper for your self-worth and love. It sounds cheesy maybe, but honestly it is something that has helped me navigate my way around friends who are genuinely there for me and care about me, and friends who honestly don't really. It's also helped me spread love and I've actually found that me loving myself more and just being myself was more attractive to people. I'm also quite an outgoing, bubbly and sometimes strange gal haha. I used to be a bit worried that maybe people judged me for it, or that i was "high maintenance" and it exhausted people. But honestly, you'll find the right people and your true friends if you're yourself because it's then that you know they actually care for you and love you for who you are. 

 

Along the way, I've had to stop contacting and cut out some people in my life that honestly weren't there for me at all and kind of just swept me to the side. It was definitely hard, especially since some of them were people I thought were close friends to me a few years back. But you learn, grow and move on. 

 

I hope from this, you can learn that you are not alone, you are worth people who love you, look out for you and are willing to reach out first and catch up, and that as you go through the process of learning to not care as much about what people think of you (which i know is hard- i still struggle with this but I'm learning and getting better!), you will find that people will come to YOU. You can spread love, and stop trying as hard to find it. Heart

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Re: Feeling empty...(American) need someone to talk to

Hey @chillywilly

Thank you for sharing with us. I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t found a decent American version of ReachOut. Being from Australia, I’m of course not as knowledgeable of the American school and health care system, but would it be possible and/or would you feel comfortable seeing a school counsellor to share how you are feeling? 

I’m sad to hear about your friend distancing from you. I’m bisexual myself, so I understand how confusing and difficult it can be when you start to become attracted to a friend. Hopefully you and your friend will be able to move forward for the sake of your friendship.

 

I think you sound like a very fun person to be around. And being normal is boring. School only lasts so long - it’s a tough time when trying to fit in, but I’ve found that quality people have come outside of school for me where there isn’t that pressure and I can be myself. Are there any interests you have or clubs you can join where people have that same interest? Just a thought 😊