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Feeling stuck

Lately as I look around at my life, I feel like I'm drowning. I feel stuck, like nothing around me is going to change or get better.. Everyday I feel I'm getting swallowed by darkness.

I guess I should start by telling everyone a little about myself. I've always had issues with self-esteem, self love and self worth. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I hate who I am, I hate who I pretend to be. I hate myself because I'll never be good enough to get the love I deserve. I grew up with parents who are very loving, and caring.. but they also happen to be drug addicts.. and their addiction has caused me to feel unwanted, unloved, and not needed. I feel they were never able to give me the love and attention I so badly wanted, and now I'm paying the price for it. When I was very young, I was given a lot of responsibility and helped my parents a lot when it came to taking care of my two younger brothers. A lot of times, I was counted on to be the strong one of the family.. The one who had to keep my parents secret, the one who had younger siblings looking up to her, the one who had to pretend everything was okay and keep a smile on her face.

Now at the age of 24, I feel stuck. I look around at my life and realize that I have been in a rut for years. My lack of self confidence has caused me to push away everyone I come in contact with. I honestly can say I don't have a true friend in my life. I blame myself because I don't know how to build relationships with other people. The thought of actually having to keep up with other people's lives is exhausting.. Although I do want people who are close to me in my life...

I hope this is making sense as I feel I'm just rambling. I've never talked to a therapist before, although I know I need to, so this is one way for me to get everything off of my chest.. I hope someone is out there listening..

So about a year ago, my family lost everything due to my mom and dad's addiction. They lost their home and were living out of motels, they lost their cars as they had no jobs to pay for them.. And now all four of my family members- my mom, dad, and brothers- have come to live with me. We live in a small 2 bedroom apartment and I help my parents with all bills. Because I've had to take the financial responsibility of 4 people into my hands, I've been struggling financially. I'm drowning in student loan debt, my car payment is behind, and we're barely making enough money to make ends meet.. I just don't see this cycle ending. I feel like I'm going to be stuck working a dead-end job, still without my four year degree, and still supporting the people I love.

Everyday when I wake up, I don't see a reason to live. I've lost my zest and my love for life, and I truly don't know if there's anything I can do to get it back.. If someone took the time to read this, PLEASE respond. I'm desperate for some feedback, conversation, and a listening ear.. and I can provide the same for you as well..
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Re: Feeling stuck

Hey @Hope_less and welcome to ReachOut. 

 

It is very brave and strong of you to come here and voice your worries, concerns and struggles to us. Know that we are all here to help you, whether it is with advice or just a listening ear. It all does make sense too Smiley Happy

 

It's definitely not easy to make friends. Never having a true friend can be tough, but having some people close to you is also good. Here is a factsheet on meeting new people. All over ReachOut there are factsheets on making friends, mental fitness, which includes confidence, coping and some relaxation techniques. Also on friends and family. And factsheets on communication skills. Hopefully some of these factsheets will help you with what you are going through.

 

Find two or three, even just one person to build a relationship with. You don't have to keep track of their everyday life, but just keep in contact with them. Say hello and how are you doing every now and again. 

 

Are your parents doing anything to get themselves back on track? You mentioned that your brothers are also living with you. Do they have jobs? Maybe you can help them, encourage them, to get a job so that some of the money they earn can go into helping you with the living costs. Maybe even your parents can find some work. Not all of the money would go into the bills and such but some of it so that they are, for lack of better words, earning their keep. Like rent. 

Let them stay at your place for a bit, then slowly start to hint at them to get a job, even if it is just a small job with hardly any hours, it's still something. For them to get back up on their feet. This way you are helping them while still being able to stay on your own feet. 

 

There is always a reason to live. You might not be able to see it now, but waking up every day. Going through whatever it is you need to do for the day is a win. You are overcoming whatever struggles you have and pushing through. 

That takes strength, and just by reading your post I know that you are strong. While I don't know you, I do know that you are a strong, capable person who can and will get through this. You just have to believe. Put in a little more each day and you'll be ready to beat all the little struggles that you have that day and win.

 

I hope that this has helped you and I am very sorry if I have offended you at all.

N1ghtW1ng

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Re: Feeling stuck

Hey @Hope_less 

 

Welcome to Reach Out! I'm so glad you've found your way here. You've been through so much, and are still going through a lot, it's great that you've decided to come here to find some support so you can start making things better.

Growing up with parents who are addicts is an incredibly hard road. Even when the parents are loving, rather than abusive, drug use takes so much from users, particulalrly financially, that there is usually nothing left for the family. But it sounds like your parent's addiction affected you in more ways than just money.

I think it's so kind of you to be providing support for your family. I hope you had some support in making that decision. If not, it would be so great for you to start building a support network in your life now, to hellp you make decisions regarding your welfare and theirs, in the future.

Headspace can provide you with face to face counselling, usually free. It sounds like you coould really do with the support while managing your current situation. KHL and LifeLine both offer phone and web chat counselliing, 24 hours a day, 7 days  week. Whenever you feel you need some support you can call them for help.

Also, have you ever heard of AlAnon? It's a support group for the family members of alcoholics and drug addicts. It can be really helpful for the adult kids of addicts who are trying to sort out their history and get through the issues from their past. It might be worthwhile looking them up on the web, to see if you think they might be of value for you.

 

Finally, have you spoken to your local Housing provider? You might be able to access some financial support to get into something bigger than a 2 bedroom. 

 

Let us know how you go. Smiley Happy

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Re: Feeling stuck

Hey there @Hope_less 

Firstly Welcome to RO!!!

 


@N1ghtW1ng wrote:

and just by reading your post I know that you are strong. While I don't know you, I do know that you are a strong, capable person who can and will get through this. You just have to believe. 


Firstly I wanted to Quote @N1ghtW1ng because I absolutely agree with what they've written here! I think you should really take these words and remind yourself that you are strong. You are a strong, capable person.

N1ghtW1ng has also linked you to some very valuable factsheets which will hopefully help you out.

I also think that speaking to your parents about their situation might help ease some of the pressure on you. If they do not know how much pressure they are causing you financially, how can they help you out? In reading your post one thing struck me, about how you are the one who has to make ends meet. Are they helping you with anything at all?? If not it is in yours and their best interest if they are aware that they need to help you out in some way for you taking them in.

 

I don't really know of anything else I can say that will help you. The only other thing I can do is ask whether you would seek some support in your local area about your situation. With the correct support (for both you and your family) things can improve and you're parents can get back on track.

Sorry I couldn't be of more use. But I hope this helps you in some way Smiley Happy

Bee


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

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Re: Feeling stuck

Thank all of y'all so much for taking the time to read my post and reply! Your kind words, advice, and willingness to help truly made my day.
To answer some questions, my parents are trying to get back on track. They are both sober, which I'm so thankful for, and honestly trying their best to turn their lives around. My dad has a full time job as a construction worker, and my mom has a part time job that helps bring in a little money. I guess we're just waiting now for my mom to find a full time job, and when she does we can begin to get back on our feet.

Today I woke up and realized that everything I'm going through is part of my journey. I might not be at the place where I thought I would be, but I'm in a better place than I was years ago. The struggles I'm going through now will only make me stronger for the future, and one day (I hope) to look back on my past and realize all that it has taught me. Some days are better than others, and my thoughts sometimes cause me to wallow in the negatives of my situation.. But all I can do is keep pushing every day, and not give up!

Thank y'all again for your kind words, I will definitely check out all the resources you have provided me! Smiley Happy Your words helped me more than you know..
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Re: Feeling stuck

Hey @Hope_less 

That's great to hear! You will definitely look back on your past one day and realise all it has taught you. Because it has made you stronger.
All those negatives can be dispelled with Turning Negatives into Positives and Three (or more) Positives of Today in our forums. They are fun threads that dwell on the positives of our day! You should definitely check them out Smiley Happy

 

Again, it's great to hear how well things are moving forwards for you. Don't forget to check in again later, we look forward to hearing how you're going. 

 

N1ghtW1ng

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Re: Feeling stuck


@Hope_less wrote:
Today I woke up and realized that everything I'm going through is part of my journey. I might not be at the place where I thought I would be, but I'm in a better place than I was years ago. The struggles I'm going through now will only make me stronger for the future, and one day (I hope) to look back on my past and realize all that it has taught me. Some days are better than others, and my thoughts sometimes cause me to wallow in the negatives of my situation.. But all I can do is keep pushing every day, and not give up!


THIS is why you will get to a better place. It might be hard to see right now but there is a fighter in you that will not give up easily. You are a strong person to have gotten this far and you will keep going. There is a fire in you that will help you get through this, you just need to remember that when it gets tough, and we will be here with you every step of the way!