So I have been a depression sufferer for about 5 years now. It hasn't been fun and at all the 'best' experience of my life. I feel it has made me who I am today but at the moment, this doesn't feel like enough.
I recently moved out of home and hardly see my partner as he is a truck driver, so it is hard to communicate with him what is going on. We are meant to be getting married in December and we just don't talk like we are meant to. I know it is something I am meant to look forward to, but at the moment I am finding it hard to look forward to what I will do once I stop writing this post.
I hear voices telling me all the negative things, I constantly imagine what the feeling of self-harm will feel like, and constantly wonder what giving up will bring.
I have fought these urges for so long, it has been 2 years since my last attempted suicide but I just want help. I tell my partner that he needs to be home more as I am not coping, but he is literally driven by the money issue. I want to talk to my GP but they have no idea what is going on and I have no counsellor because I have recently turned 18 and have to go through a different service. I try online chat, over the phone and researching but nothing helps.
I just wonder every minute of every day how far it has to go before I finally just give on everything, myself and listen to the voices, give in to the urges and be okay with what giving up will bring.
Re: Giving Up
You have been through so much and you are so strong to keep moving and to try and keep in control of your thoughts and your actions. It takes so much and I think you are a strong person. Be proud of yourself for that.
Communication with people around you is very important because you need support and need encouragement so have you thought of speaking to your partner or your family or writing a letter to express how you feel? Have a read of this http://au.reachout.com/The-benefits-of-talking it might help you.
What is stopping you from talking to a GP or a counsellor? Isn't it worth a try especially if you need the help. There are so many people you can talk to and if a GP or a counsellor seems daunting maybe you could try other services, have a look here to find what works for you http://au.reachout.com/Emergency-Help
You have survived so far and I think with the fighting spirit you seem to have, you can continue fighting for as long as you can and getting support, encouragement and someone to talk to whether its friends or family or us, it might help you not only survive but LIVE and ENJOY your life.
Take care of yourself
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**
Re: Giving Up
Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467
"Giving up" is a pretty heavy statement from a suicide survivor - what you have described sounds really hard and from what you've said you feel like you've got no one to turn to. You do sound like you have lived through a lot of pain, and that you are worried about the voices you hear inside. You also have said you aren't looking forward to your future, and about giving in to the urges of harming yourself or taking your own life. I can hear the sadness in your post, but just because you have thoughts of ending your life, doesn’t mean you have to act on them. Thoughts can just stay as thoughts.
You mentioned that you have been "fighting the urges for so long" and 5 years is a lot of years of feeling a deep sadness, but something has kept you alive. You are here and alive today. Focus on that part of you that has kept you alive so far - because it is that part of you that wants to live.
That part of you that does not want to end your life, but does want to escape from the pain you are feeling. You have to be alive to feel the releif from the sadness. It is that part of you that wants to live - that part of you is getting you to tell us that you are feeling suicidal. It's that part of you crying out for help.
You are not alone and there are people who can help. RO is not a crisis service, and it’s vital you contact crisis service Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467. The counsellors at Suicide Call Back are there for you 24 hours to help you try and make sense of your confusion and pain. They are the people who will be able to listen to you and help you feel less alone with your pain. It's important that you contact them now.
You've bravely taken the step towards ReachOut.com now keep going.
- Don’t keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself – get help and keep at it til you find something that works for you
- Get rid of anything that might make you feel more suicidal or make it easier for you to hurt yourself.
- Try to distance your thoughts and actions. Say to yourself, ‘I will wait 24 hours before I do anything’, so that you can seek help during that period.
- Put any items you could use to hurt yourself out of reach, or ask a trusted friend to look after them.
- Do something that has brought you even a small amount of pleasure before, such as taking a walk, listening to music, taking a hot bath, watching a funny movie, reading or some slow deep breathing.
- Get together with others, even if you don't feel like it, to prevent isolation.
- Develop a safety contract with someone you trust.
- Reduce drug or alcohol use. These can make it more likely that you may harm yourself, by making you more impulsive and increasing feelings of depression.
- Write about the things in your life that you value and appreciate, no matter how small they may seem to you.
Online Community Manager
Re: Giving Up
Welcome to the forums.
Sophie and Ruenhonx have both given you some great advice.
I just wanted to tell you that I think you are very strong and I KNOW you can get through this, but you DO need to reach out for help. It's SO tough reaching out for help but it IS worth it.
I'd really recommend you going to see your GP. You might be surprised at how helpful they are and they are the best person to refer you on to a counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist (if they feel it's needed).
Stay strong, use the supports around you and don't let the destructive voices win!
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