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Guilt and Confusion Over Something Cannot Remember

 

A month ago I attended a going away party at my work for myself. I got pressured into drinking a lot to the point I blacked out. The last thing I remember is the bar tender asking me to dance and I said yes. I woke up feeling sick and horrified I couldn’t remember anything. Thankfully I was in my room alone so nothing too awful happened. I found my friends to ask them what happened, and was very disappointed to hear that most of them left me there alone. So I talked to the one person I knew was there, the bar tender. He had been flirting with me a lot prior to getting blackout but I told him I had a boyfriend, I talked about him nonstop. I remember thinking when he asked me to dance that there was no harm in that, it was just country dancing and I loved to dance. I asked him what happened and all he said was he doesn’t remember much but at most he kissed me. My heart sank, I felt like I betrayed my boyfriend who I love dearly. I cannot recall anything other than dancing, and I don’t think I would kiss him back but I will never know and the bartender doesn’t seem to remember much either. It’s reassuring to know the most that happened was a kiss but I still feel like an awful person but is it really my fault if he kissed me and I was black out drunk? Will I ever be able to forgive myself? I am a very loyal and honest person so this has destroyed my happiness and given me never ending anxiety and depression. I told my boyfriend about the dancing and how I feel bad for it and he said I should never not dance because of him. He’s very understanding. But after the bartender put doubts in my mind that only dancing happened I didn’t feel ok anymore. I called my boyfriend immediately and told him that he thinks we might have kissed. I told him I am very sorry. He said it wasn’t my fault and he is not mad. So the only person that is punishing me is myself. I am sabotaging my happiness and relationship because I am terrified of what I may have done. How do I get over this? I need help, it’s becoming unbearable

Re: Guilt and Confusion Over Something Cannot Remember

Hi @HillaryK65! Welcome to the forums!

That situation sounds really tricky and stressful. Smiley Sad I'm glad your boyfriend is supportive though.

I don't think that it's your fault that the bartender kissed you. It's not like you set out to cheat on your boyfriend or initiated the kiss and flirting. You didn't tell the bartender to kiss you or flirt with you. Whatever you did, it sounds like no one got hurt and there weren't any negative consequences for the people around you. I can relate to feeling guilt over something I had no control over, but it resolved in time. Hopefully, those feelings will lessen for you too. Heart

Re: Guilt and Confusion Over Something Cannot Remember

@WheresMySquishy 

Thank you for replying. I am mostly concerned that I can’t remember anything other than dancing, and what if I let him think it was ok. I’ve never really blacked out before so I do not know how much it alters my personality and morals. Because sober me would never let anyone else touch me that’s why I’m horrified he thinks we kissed. 

Re: Guilt and Confusion Over Something Cannot Remember

Hi @HillaryK65, that sounds like a really scary experience. As mentioned by @WheresMySquishy, it sounds like you have a really heavy feeling of guilt which must be difficult to deal with. It is great that your boyfriend is really supportive about what has happened and understands it from your perspective. Alcohol can impact everyone differently but it has the potential to significantly change our behaviour. We actually have an article here about alcohol which might have other helpful links to support you through this. Just so you know, I have sent you an email Heart

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Re: Guilt and Confusion Over Something Cannot Remember

@Taylor-RO 

It was really scary, and still is because no one can help me know what happened. I know all I can do now is move on as many people have told me, but the guilt and anxiety from not knowing what happened is making that very difficult. I don’t know what to do, I would hate to Sabotage my relationship because I can’t forgive myself. 

Re: Guilt and Confusion Over Something Cannot Remember

@HillaryK65, I'm so sorry to hear that you went through what I can only imagine to be a very distressing experience. I really want to outline that you did nothing wrong, and regardless of what happened that night you are not a bad person at all. Do you have any support networks you can talk to about this? It could be a good idea to look up some US abuse or mental health support lines, as they can give you some more in depth advice and guidance about your specific situation Heart

 

Re: Guilt and Confusion Over Something Cannot Remember

@HillaryK65  It does sound really scary. Smiley Sad I agree with @Andrea-RO that you're not a bad person, regardless of what happened. Heart

Do you think that talking about your feelings with a counsellor or psychologist would help? There are lots of helplines that can help with issues like this.

I also found this article from BeyondBlue that kind of applies to your situation.

Re: Guilt and Confusion Over Something Cannot Remember

Given, what you just said, your boyfriend should consider himself lucky that he is with you. Sounds like your relationship is not only safe, but there is no chance whatsoever that you could jeopardise it, from a single, unplanned event.