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I feel alone

I don't know if this is in the right forum but oh wells..

When I was 14, I got into a relationship with this guy who seemed really sweet, and he was for about 6months until we started having fights. My family has had a history of dealing with suicide, due to having a history of severe depression that often leads to suicide or alcoholism, and it was because of this fact that I took it very seriously when my boyfriend at the time started showing signs of depression and anxiety.

He started to become very possessive and obsessive, and I just thought that maybe it was apart of the depression and accepted it. It got worse and worse until every guy I spoke to became competition to him, and he would constantly think I was going to break up with him, and this is when it started getting bad... (I was and still am a very loyal person, and this would often really really hurt my feelings and I would lose friends over it)

He'd often threaten to kill himself, and I took this very seriously. He would ...tell me what he wanted to do...every night and that he had hoped he wouldn't wake up. I'd call his mum in hysterics, not knowing that I was having anxiety attacks every night he was saying this. This went on for about 3months. After that, he started to blame me for everything that had happened to him and started to say I was the reason he wanted to die. At this point in time, I wanted to leave the relationship because I loved him and didn't want to be the reason he hurt himself .anymore. I wanted leave so bad but every time I tried he would say "Please don't leave, I'd rather die than be without you". So I felt trapped.

He began to give me ways of fixing these "suicidal problems" I had caused him... which including oral sex and intercourse. I was in no way ready for any of it but he would plead and cry and tell me he would kill himself if I didn't. So I did.

I'm now 16, been out of the relationship for a year now, and every time a memory pops into my head I lose it. Screaming, crying. I often can't breathe and I often want to tear everything apart ... I had gone to a psychologist but after 6 sessions I was deemed good again.

I really don't know if I am okay. I feel alone and I don't know what to do. I want to let go of everything that happened but for some reason I just can't.

Re: I feel alone

Hey there and welcome to your first RO post @fudgeeater

 

How brave are you for getting all of that out, it's not an easy thing to talk about having to go through all of that at 14.

I know you said the after the psychology sessions you were deemed good, how long ago were these? More importantly - how did you find them?

(Also just a quick note - I edited some parts of your post to include less descriptive details, here's a link to the RO forum guidelines)

Welcome again, Sally =)

Re: I feel alone

They were after the break up, so 9months ago. I was having 1 every two weeks, and they helped in the short term. But slowly it all started coming back

Re: I feel alone

Yes getting over a relationship sometimes takes that amount of time in itself. I can definately relate to having some relationships being much harder to move forward with because many, many reasons. I think alot of the unhealthy patterns of behaviour you went through coming from your ex still seem to be haunting you.

Coming onto the RO forum is a great place to start getting extra support.

Not sure if you have been able to look around but there is a group chat tonight on the topic of Overcoming bad experiences - I'd encourage you to head on over there and jump in and see what everyone else comes up with (which will hopefully you be helpful to you tonight!)

Re: I feel alone

Thank you!!

Re: I feel alone

Hi @fudgeeater,

That is quite a lot to have gone through at the age of 14, but it is so great that you have come here for support.

How are you going today?

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Re: I feel alone

Yeah I'm doing okay thanks, I didn't have to worry about running in to him at school. His presence is quite threatening, he seems to make sure it is by the  way he looks at me and the way he stands up whenever I walk past. I think that's usually something that sets it off.

Re: I feel alone

Hey @fudgeeater, glad to hear that you are currently doing okay. It sounds as though your ex-boyfriend is being intimidating towards you and that is the cause of your anxiety. You should never feel intimidated or threatened. Have you tried talking to someone about this?

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WE WANT YOU to tell us what kind of infobuses you'd like to see! Let us know here.

Re: I feel alone

No I haven't but I don't know how to bring it up, and I'm scared they will want to know the full story which I wouldn't be comfortable telling the school.

Re: I feel alone

I completely understand, it can be quite daunting to bring this sort of thing up, especially to teachers or family.

Would you feel more comfortable talking to someone else about what your options are?
1800RESPECT is a national service for those experiencing domestic violence and they may be able to talk to you about what your options are with resolving this and feeling safe again. They have both a phone and online service and might help you to figure out solutions that you are comfortable with.

___________________________________________________
WE WANT YOU to tell us what kind of infobuses you'd like to see! Let us know here.