My neighbor is driving me insane.
My neighbor is 28 years old. I am 22 years old. We are both married to enlisted men and have toddlers that are the same age. We have been friends for almost a year until recently. I'll call her "Ashley" throughout this post.
I met Ashley because she got some of my mail on accident and then saw her later the next day at a social event for military spouses.
My husband has only been enlisted for a little over year. This is all new to me and I was so eager to make friends... Which was very hard because most women who are married around my age don't have kids and the older women on our base won't give me the time of day because of my age.
We got along pretty great, honestly. No real red flags. Her husband deployed the next week and I really tried to get close to her/help her with whatever she needed while he was gone for the next 4 months. Our kids had play dates and we got close.
We made friends with a 3rd girl while Ashley's husband was deployed but things got weird fast. The 3rd girl was also around 30 years old. Ashley invited us over and it turned into a weekend affair? The 1st night we all shared some drinks and it turned into this super fucked conversation about all of our childhood trauma. The next night it continued and turned into a sleepover at Ashley's. The third night they wanted to have another sleepover.... Considering we were all married and had children, I was a little weirded out and emotionally drained. I told Ashley I couldn't do sleepovers/weekend long hangouts again because I lost time with my own family and the nature of the conversations were too much for me in that capacity. She told me she understood and agreed they weren't for her either and blamed the 3rd girl. I kind of avoided situations with the 2 of them after hanging out a few more times with no change.
Fast forward, Ashley's husband is coming home. It's May. Suddenly she can't handle the 3rd girl. Misses the hell out of me. We hung out and I helped get things ready for her husband to come home. Everything was fine.
The month July-August.. My life fell apart. I learned that basically my entire life and what I grew up thinking was a lie. I met my biological father. I learned the only person I trusted was the person ruining my relationships with other family members. Long story short: narcissistic abuse is a bitch. My husband had a hard time being there for me at first because he didn't understand. We are only 22 but we have been together 7 years. It was a big pill to swallow. I leaned on Ashley because we had grown up the same, or so I thought. We didn't come from good homes.
She went home for the month of July and while she was gone I watched her 2 dogs. They were totally fine the entire month. She got back and accused me of not feeding the dogs and not giving them enough water. She told me they puked when she walked in the door. I reassured her that they were fed the amount she had instructed and they had the same amount of water that my animals had. I reassured her that they were cared for. (I sent videos and pictures all month.)
So.. I'm not sure what happened next.. but it got weird and fast. I kind of panicked. I also didn't realize what was even happening, because of my own family problems, until it was too far gone... I will just touch of what has been happening.
• She borrowed my vaccum and broke it without telling me. The hose was beyond clogged with animal hair. I confronted her and she sobbed. I told her it was fine and prayed to god she didn't breakdown like that again.
• My birthday, she wanted to have a sleepover. I agreed and went to her house. Our husband's had the kids at my house. She kept pushing me to drink. It got to the point where I was dumping beer down the sink while she went to the bathroom so she would leave me alone.
• I got overwhelmed because she texted me nonstop for 2 weeks and wanted to hangout. I told her I needed space and I turned my phone off for a few days. The next time I saw her was at a playgroup. It was super uncomfortable. I tried to make light conversation and pretended things were okay.
• She wants to get a hotel, just us, for Black Friday in another town. She wants to leave our kids with our husbands and have a mom weekend. I agreed it sounded fun but it depended on money. Then it kept progressing towards sharing a bed, not even shopping, just drinking in the room. I told her we didn't have the money and couldn't go. She was unreasonably sad.
• We went out shopping, just us, one night. We talk briefly about how we grew up. Long story short, she tells me that if she hadn't met her husband, we would probably be together? I laughed, thinking she was joking. Later that night on our way home, she tells me that we are soulmates. I was like, "yeah, sometimes you meet your bestfriend for life" or some shit. I was hoping that it was harmless. As we were working on a project that night- it persisted. I joked with her, even though it was obvious I was uncomfortable. I told her at the end of the night, "All things aside.. I would never leave my husband. I have to say it, you know?" and she was like, "oh of course" ??
• Then over the next two weeks she would make this super uncomfortable comments if I wouldn't let her have her way at my house. For example, she wanted to flick paint on my dining room table? I obviously told her no (my table was a fixer upper and hadn't been sealed yet) and told her she was welcome to step out onto my porch or use the garage. She comes back out from the garage and tells me "I used to get locked in the garage as a child and now I'm having an episode because I couldn't paint in here but don't worry I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to feel bad"....??? It was always something if she couldn't have her way.
• She likes to compare our parenting and makes passive aggressive comments about how I let my son have shit like chocolate milk but her daughter gets 0 sugar despite giving her hostess muffins daily. Tons of shit like this. She even went as far as telling me that she pep talked her 1 year old daughter to not let anyone abuse her for the day and I had to fire back that they are 1 and my son wouldn't hurt a fly. Shit like that is fucking ridiculous.
• If I do pipe up about her guilt tripping, comparing the kids, projecting her problems, or if I take up for her husband (will explain later)... She either cries or has something new to punish me with. For example, the dogs. She told me that not only did they puke but she took them to the vet and the vet claimed they lost 10+lbs and shit like that... out of nowhere... 3 months later... All because I didn't hangout with her one weekend.
• I tried to bite the bullet before Thanksgiving because she had agreed to pet sit for us while we were gone. I was so busy before the trip and couldn't hangout with her. She blew up my phone. I told her no. She walked to my house after my husband left for work (he was on nights) with all of the lights off, and proceeded to bang on my door and call repeatedly. I didn't answer. I called my mom and was honestly scared. My mom knew everything Ashley had been doing for months.
I don't know how to say this but we came home and food was missing from the freezer (like 4lbs of fries was less than a 1lb), her hair was in our bathtub, shit in my closet was moved around, all sorts of really weird shit. I asked her about it and got nothing but denial. I thought I was losing it.
• More of the same shit happened all through December. My husband even noticed her practically laying on top of me while I was nearly falling off the bed scooting away. We both have never dealt with something like this and we were both really confused? We didn't know what to say or do? Or if we were being paranoid?
• She watched the animals while we went home for Christmas. We were desperate and couldn't afford to board 3 animals. Home is only 8 hours for us and our family begged. We were gone a week. Everything was seemingly fine when we got back. I saw her and she was distant from me for some reason.. I was a little relieved honestly. She wanted to do a friend Christmas. She had been over earlier in the day and we agreed to separate and get ready. I took and a shower and threw on jeans. Nothing crazy. She made a passive aggressive comment about me being dressed up. She acted extremely jealous when I talked to her husband about night shift. He had just started and Ashley was making him watch their daughter all morning after being at work all night. I told him what my husband did to make it through nights. Anyways.. even my husband noticed her behavior.
• Today I went to vaccum my son's playroom and the vacuum was broken. The hose was exploding with pet hair, toenail clippings, and all sorts of other nasty shit. I texted her asking if she used it. She denied it. I told her that our vacuum was empty when we left and it's broken the same way our last one was broken after she used it. She still denied it. I told her I would like my house key left on my porch. She comes over, bangs on the door, it's night time by the way, and then calls my phone. I didn't answer and neither did my husband. She slammed our screen door shut and we could see her waiting for 10 minutes. She finally left and our key was shoved in the pot on my porch.
I have had my fill.. I don't know what to do other to cut ties. I feel stupid for not acknowledging so many red flags sooner. I got so blinded by my other problems that I didn't see what was happening in front of me. This girl is my neighbor. She's on the other side of my duplex and we live on base. I'm dreading what cutting her off is going to look like. Has anyone experienced anything like this? I'm absolutely miserable.
Re: My neighbor is driving me insane.
This sounds like such a tough situation to be in. It sounds like you've given a lot of thought to the impact this relationship with Ashley is having on you.
While I'm not married and I don't have a child, I've previously been in a relationship with a member of the military who has deployed and understand that this can be a pretty challenging situation for anybody to be in and I'm sure finding a friend in Ashley was a real welcome relief to have somebody that seemed to understand some of what you were going through.
Although it definitely seems like that relief was short lived with some of the things you've described in your post. It sounds like Ashley has made you understandably pretty uncomfortable. I'm wondering if you and/or your husband have anybody you could talk to about this situation? I noticed you mentioned your mum was across what had been happening with Ashley, is she somebody that you've chatted to about potentially cutting ties?
Re: My neighbor is driving me insane.
I noticed you're a new user. Thank you for joining ReachOut.
It sounds like you're in a bit of a toxic friendship. I personally think it's a great idea to cut ties but it sucks that she lives so close. It makes things awkward and you must feel like you can't escape her. I think it's great that you asked for your keys back because it sounds like "Ashley" cannot be trusted and is not respecting your property or your privacy. I'm sorry you've had to experience this! It really does suck.
If her behaviour (i.e., slaming your screen door, constant texting etc.) continues or escalates, is there someone you can report it to?
Also, I'm not sure how the living situation works at the military base, but is it possible to request a different property?
It's good that you've spoken to your husband about it and have his support.
I hope you don't mind but I have edited your thread's title and aspects of your post because some of the language is against our guidelines which can be found here. If you look at the guidelines it says ReachOut is only for Australian users. It is my understanding that you are an international user which I have sent you an email about so please have a look when you can.
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