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Re: Divorce during pregnancy

Hello @Afriend, it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. Going through a divorce with a baby on the way must be super stressful, so I just want to make sure that you are OK and that you're taking care of yourself properly. How are you doing? If you feel like you want to talk to someone, you can give the PANDA helpline a call on 1300 726 306, they specialise in peri-natal (during pregnancy) and post-natal depression and can help you work through any new feelings you might have around your pregnancy. 

 

It can be hard to figure out why people do and say the things they do, particularly when a relationship is ending. So while I have no idea why your ex is acting the way he is, I do know that a new baby a game changer and dads-to-be can handle this in a lot of different ways. 

 

I also just want to say, congratulations on your pregnancy, I'm sure with all this going on some of the excitement has been lost but a new bub brings so much love and so many new beginnings. Please keep us updated on how everything goes. 

 

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Divorce during pregnancy


As the title suggests, I've been going through a divorce since i was 25 weeks pregnant (32 weeks now). I didn't ask for it. He did after a heated argument. At first i didn't take it seriously, as just a couple of days prior we spoke about our relationship issues and he said we barely have any and theyre all solvable and he told me he loves me and the baby. But then four days later i go to our apartment to find all the furniture he paid for, gone. It has just escalated from there and gotten uglier and uglier. He says i was very abusive during the relationship. Whilst i do admit to getting angry at times and throwing things (never at him), it wasn't a regular thing and i can count on one hand the amounts of times i done so during our 4 year relationship. I'm not excusing my behavior, but i don't deserve the way he has gone about this divorce while I'm pregnant. He literally abandonded me, has been posting quotes on fb about how happy he is now, and has gone on a revenge spiral against a 3rd party he is blaming for the divorce. And since then he has been sending me texts here and there attacking my self esteem (my looks specifically) and calling me names and saying really hurtful things. Today i sent him a msg apologising for my role in the relationship falling apart, as i do recognise that my actions during our relationship would have led to it getting so ugly - and i also wished him the best in his future endeavours but all he replied with was how the only reason he'll have to see my face is because of the baby.. this is after he had msged me telling me he wants to remarry someone who isn't abusive and how happy he is to get rid of me.

My relationship with him in general was a very stressful one but i was willing to soldier on as i love him and thought of the stress as simple life tests and things everyone goes through. during the relationship he got fired from 2 jobs, had many health issues, was depressed from his relationship with his father, work and uni issues and was always being put down by his family and in his belief - by me as well. he felt that way because id always seek solutions when he brings up issues but he just wanted me to listen. i DID do that but i was also desparate for a way to help him by encouraging him. For example, he really hated his job. I'd listen to the reasons why but overtime i just see the constant depression he was facing so I'd ask him if hes searching for another job and he'd say he isn't... point is his stress and depression was really getting to me as well. At one stage he confessed to overdoing on prescription medication. i tried my best to help him but i don't understand how he expects me to just always be calm and collected and never have outbursts while theres so much going on. His father also hates me for taking his son away (by marrying him) and has some serious attachment issues. He used to call my husband 6-7 times a day. when my husband would switch his phone off, he'd call me and ofcourse it would be my fault his son is distant from him. He is also schizophrenic and analysed me based on "visions" he has.

I tried what i can to help my ex husband. i even took on 2 jobs while i was pregnant. why can't he appreciate anything i went through? if i had my outbursts of stress it's because of everything i had to deal with. He used to recognise this but now I'm an evil witch in his view and an abusive person. he has taken his fathers side.

I'm so so hurt. And his words cut deep even though i try to not let them. Even if I'm in the wrong, is it really necessary to attack my self esteem whilst I'm carrying his child? I duno what to make of his behaviour. It is childish no doubt and it is clear he is holding a lot of resentment and hate towards me but why put me through this stress when I'm pregnant with his child? Couldn't he at least wait until i give birth. Sorry i just really need to vent. Everyone tells you to be strong but its easier said than done.

This baby was planned. We were happy. Well at least i thought we were. Our main problems were external as explained above But my relationship with him wasn't bad. He used to tell me he feels comfort around me. now I feel as though this is a nightmare and i will wake up eventually but it's not. I then keep saying ill give him time to cool off and let go of some of his anger but then he msgs me like that. (The last i heard from him was 3 weeks ago). What triggered todays msg is me telling his sister (who im close with) that he hasnt asked about the baby in 2.5 months. Which he hadnt. He sent the msg telling me off and saying he'd ask if i were a civilised human being. I replied that when theres a will theres a way and he could ask thru his sister if he feels he can't talk to me. He eventually started attacking my self esteem and then i sent that apology.

Ill stop now bcoz i can keep going for days with all i have to say. But does this all sound as crazy to you as it does to me? And this is only 10% of the story. I have been seeing a mental health doctor and I'm going to see a solicitor soon because I'm worried about my rights with the baby. I'm just still in shock and am trying to process it all.
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Re: Divorce during pregnancy

@Afriend Wow it really seems like you are going through a lot at the moment and I just hope by sharing your stpry with us that it helped relieve some of the stress that you are sure to be feeling.

 

The only behaviour that we are responsible for is our own. Your ex husbands words and actions are not your responsibiltiy.

 

Obviously divorce at any stage in your life is upsetting but when pregnant it must be extremely difficult.

 

Have you got something simple that you enjoy doing that you could maybe do to take your mind off of everything? Reading a book or even getting a massage? Being 35 weeks pregnant you are most likely suffering from all kinds of aches and pains (I speak from experience), maybe a massage or spa day would be exactly the kind of thing that could help you to relax a bit.

 

Hope this helps you a bit.

 

Also congratulations on your pregnancy, can you believe that a little human is growing inside you as you read this. Its absolutely amazing..

 

Good luck with everything and we are always here if you need to vent ....

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Re: Divorce during pregnancy

@Afriend I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like a very emotional time for you and I hope you are able to rely on what supports you have.
I do want to encourage you to take care of yourself - like @Orchid suggested. Pampering can help ease the stress and remind you that YOU matter.
I'd also suggest you make sure you eat and drink enough each day. Nourish yourself and your little one. When we're stressed, it can be easy to forget meals and difficult to sleep properly so please prioritise your health and safety during this time,

Take care
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Re: Divorce during pregnancy

Hi @Afriend

Thank you for being brave and sharing your story with us here on Reachout. 
I wanted to check in on you and see how everything was going now?