Self isolation sucks and I'm struggling to discern my reality sometime. TW: drug use, psychosis(?)

Hey, I'm Sandy. Its hard to make this thread, but I need somewhere I can just talk about this in a place I don't think will judge.

Everything has been...really really difficult lately. I've been stuck inside my house since late February, when I came down with a viral infection that could maybe have been coronavirus or a bad flu? Not sure, I was refused testing because I didn't meet the testing criteria. Anyways, I've been at home since then, self isolating and now lockdown measures have come in place so I couldn't catch a flight to stay with my girlfriend at the end of March, something I was greatly looking forward to. Don't know when I'll see her in real life now, and I miss her so much, it's been really hard to deal with the thought that the borders between states in Australia may be closed till like...July? Even longer?

I haven't seen a friend or anyone except my mum and sister since the end of February, and the few friends I'm close to have gotten a bit more distant during this period, I think everyone is stressed and I'm not upset with them, I haven't made a huge amount of effort to talk either. It's hard to talk online, I miss hanging out with them in real life, I always take things the wrong way in online convos with people I'm close to and get upset, in real life I find it easier to understand what other people mean when they say stuff. The only person I really regularly talk to, have calls and video calls and such with is my girlfriend, who is amazing, but it also makes me miss seeing her irl more.

I have preexisting mental health conditions that have worsened since this pandemic has intensified. Have been diagnosed with DID and see a specialist psychologist for it and trauma stuff, which has helped, but I feel like that's getting harder now with all the lockdown stuff, I haven't been able to see her in person for a while. I have on and off depression and anxiety, and both have worsened, a lot, especially the depression. Have a lot of trouble sleeping, and when I do I oversleep unless my gf calls me to wake me up.

The big thing I guess thats been weighing on me is weird things have been happening. I hear voices more often lately, always have but its gotten more frequent and intense and distressing, and when I go to sleep nearly every night now I feel like I'm being poked and prodded by some invisible force, sometimes even comes with voices that accompany tactile sensations, its incredibly hard to describe, but its terrifying and I dread going to sleep, hence why I'm still awake right now. Earlier tonight I thought I saw a face in the tiles while I went to the bathroom. Stuff like that.There's been moments of intense delusional beliefs, things like believing this is hell and I'm being punished for my sins, for being a bad person. The world doesnt make sense to me, moreso than usual, this pandemic is really messing with me.

While I was sick with the viral infection my doctor prescribed me with strong opiates for pain relief, I've been in a lot of pain before getting sick and it got worse on getting sick. I used them responsibly for pain management for a while, didnt take them every day and not when I didn't need them, but lately with the worsening of my mental health I've started using them to get high.

A couple years back I used to get high a lot, particularly with opiates and stimulants, so the fact that I'm not using opiates to escape the reality of how much pain I'm in lately is really worrying me. I eventually got out of that place over a year ago now, and got clean, and this pandemic is just...ruining all of that hard work I put in to not rely on substances to feel ok with the world.

I've used these drugs 5 times to get high in the last week and a half, because stuff has gotten so bad, particularly the hallucination stuff, its so hard to deal with.

Everything just sucks right now, I'm in pain, physically and mentally, and I'm turning to places I don't wanna go back to, I know where they lead, I've been there before.

Having a phone appt with my doctor later today, gonna try to get put back on mood stabilizers/antipsychotics, used to be on them for emotional dysregulation problems but they may well also help the weird psychotic stuff too, so I figure its worth a shot.

Have a psychologist appt on wednesday. Gonna talk about this stuff I guess, I'm kinda worried about how she'll react to it all though. It's hard to talk about to anyone, I've only told a couple people.

Everything sucks, I feel so alone. I'm safe physically, not going to do anything bad, but the world doesn't feel safe anymore. It feels scary. I'm scared.

Thank you for listening, just wanted to talk about how I'm doing, reaching out.