TW: Is it abuse?
Hello,
Some Background: My dad and mum got divorced because my dad was really mean to her and then many years later my mum remarried. My dad was a very scary and angry person and I was really scared of him when I was younger he hurt us and locked us outside for a few minutes at night if we were naughty and he made me feel bad about myself when I was younger but he's a lot better now. My stepdad is the problem now.
So my stepdad has always disliked me a bit I think ever since we have known him if anything goes wrong it's my fault, he's always angry and he's really unpredictable. One day it's ok if I have water in my bedroom or get food out the fridge without asking other days if I do that he will lose it and scream at me and threaten me and call me names etc. He glares at me if I'm in the bathroom and he wants to be. He essentially just glares at me anytime I'm near him and he is wanting to do something.
I'm walking on eggshells, every time he sounds mad I get scared and I am worried I did something wrong and I get really defensive and I just never do anything right. But he's really confusing because one min he likes me and I can hug him but 10 min later he's screaming or making me feel like I have done something wrong. I try so hard to be a good kid and do what he says and avoid trouble but he never notices if I do something right only wrong. He always says I'm selfish and lazy and all I do is stay at home and I should get a job. Which isn't true I'm a full-time uni student trying to get into med, I have a perfect GPA I'm hardworking all I do is study and I applied for at least 10 jobs in the last week, I'm really trying. Pretty much anytime I do anything or say anything he isn't happy or tells me to shut up or just makes it clear he doesn't care so I go away. We have arguments and fights multiple times a week and it makes me very sad and angry and I often feel like self-harming or suicidal after we fight (even though I don't act on either of these things) He just bullies me over silly little things like spilling some water or being in the kitchen when he is. I just don't know how to stop the arguments because I try so hard to be good. I'm 18 not a child I hate how he treats me like this but I can't afford to move out and sometimes he's nice to me and I like him and I'm confused.
Comments
Hi @Charlie-29-1999,
It takes so much courage to talk about difficulties you are experiencing at home and coming online to share this with us- I am so sorry to hear this is something you have experienced 
No young person should ever have to feel afraid in their home. My number one concern is your safety at home, are you safe at home with your step dad?
I can understand why you are feeling confused, it's really tough to process when you are walking on eggshells and never knowing how your step dad might react. Do you have someone you trust to talk to about what is happening at home? Does anyone know about what is happening at home?
If you feel you would like to speak to someone about it I would really encourage you to call 1800 RESPECT, Kids Helpline or Lifeline to talk about what is happening at home. You aren't alone in this experience, and we are here to support you through this 
Just to let you know, I just edited a couple of words to keep in line with our community guidelines and have added a trigger warning
Hi @Jess1-RO & @litgym, Yes I think I am physically safe at home with my stepdad, pretty much my whole family mum included and all my friends know what my stepdad is like and what my home life is like. My therapist and my friends both know what home is like though I'm not sure they understand how big an impact it has on me. One of my friends told me it wasn't normal and that I should tell my therapist in more detail what is happening which I have done in our last session which was on Wednesday.
My therapist recommended trying to move out away from him and potentially applying for Centrelink so I can get some money to be independent which I have been looking into. Even with the payments, I can't afford uni accommodation so I would live with my nana who lives in the same street...but I am very uncomfortable with change and have OCD and generalised anxiety disorder so moving out will be very difficult for me but I am considering it.
My stepdad hasn't spoken to me since the latest argument (4 days) and tonight he spoke to me and apologised and told me not to move out so I'm really not sure what to do. This is what I mean he is confusing one day he likes me and hugs me and the next I'm a devil child. I know that this will probably happen again because it has for the last 7-10 years but I always forgive him...
Hi @Charlie-29-1999 thank you for confirming you are safe. I'm so sorry to hear that you are walking on egg shells in your own home and that your step dad is treating you this way. You have so much courage and resilience and we're here to support you. It's great to hear that you are getting support from your friends and therapist. Moving out is certainly a big step and if you feel it is right for you and it is what you want then it is definitely worth considering. Would it be possible to chat to your therapist about your concerns about moving out? Self-care is really important during this time, what are some ways you are looking after yourself? We're here for you
Hi @Lan-RO and @litgym I only see my therapist once every 2-3 weeks so I struggle a bit in the time in between sessions but I have actually moved out a few days ago I moved into my granny's house (she lives next door) and I'm not as anxious about my stepdad now but I'm still anxious about a large number of things. For example I can't stop thinking about my grades I'm very anxious about my grades and strive for perfection I got 80% on an assignment which is a Distinction grade in uni but to me this is just completely unacceptable I am only ok with High Distinctions (85%+) but even a low HD is not good enough really I only want 100% and I can't stop thinking about that 80% and I have the anxious tight feeling in my throat. I currently have a GPA of 7/7 but if I get a distinction in 1 class overall it will drop to 6.8 which isn't good enough. I don't really have a self-care routine almost all of my time is spent at uni, doing homework etc. I only really spend time on myself when I watch TV and only really in holidays during the uni term I get maybe 30-60 min of free time if I'm lucky.
Hi @Charlie-29-1999, great to hear that you have been seeing a therapist. Is it possible to increase the number of sessions when you feel like you need more support? It seems like your anxiety is concerning you a lot at the moment. Do you have any offline supports you contact when you are feeling particularly anxious, like Kids Helpline?
I can tell how important uni is to you although it is important to take some time out for yourself. It seems like you have been doing a really awesome job at uni and have high expectations of yourself. There is nothing wrong with aiming high (I like to have amazing marks too!) although it seems like you are harsh on yourself. We can only perform our best if we are looking after ourselves e.g eating nutritious foods, exercising, doing things we enjoy, hanging out with friends and relaxing. These things can also help with distracting you or taking your mind of things to give yourself a break. What do you think?
hey @Charlie-29-1999
im happy to hear you’re safe ! its great that you’ve reached out to your friends and therapist. i understand that you may be anxious about moving out but it might be your best option long time ?
@Lan-RO mentioned that self-care is really handy in times like these, what do you do to look after yourself ?
we’re here to listen x
hey @Charlie-29-1999
i can definitely relate to some things that is going on for you and i just want to remind you that you are not alone no person should feel like they are not safe at home 😞
are you safe at home ? have you spoken to your mum about this or any other trusted adult or friend ?
i would really recommend you contacting one of the helplines @Jess1-RO tagged above but of course your choice 🙂
