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TW: Suicide, I'm tired of being alone

Hi, whoever's reading this, These are simply my thoughts and why I cry every day and need to put this out there Feel free to give any advice, even though I know I need to start seeing my psychologist again. There is also a trigger warning I guess so, here you go.

 

I'm tired, tired of constant worrying, tired of expectations, tired of life.

 

Every day I worry about my dad leaving my family.

 

I worry about what I'm going to do after I graduate. Every decision I've made for the past 5 years have been based on anxiety.

 

I physically can't do anything unless someone's by my side, basically holding my hand. I'm 17. 5 months until I'm an adult. It shouldn't be like this.

I get scared in my family as well, any time I go to my cousins how I need my sister by my side as a sort of comfort that I'm going to be okay although she doesn't know this.

 

A few months ago just after we go out of lockdown. I was on work experience at my mum's work I misheard what I was supposed to do and started slightly crying. Thinking I fucked up and I can’t do this. So image an excuse to go home I told mum I’m feeling sick. I went home and tried to take my life. About a week ago before this, my mum and dad had a fight and I thought my dad wasn’t going to come back.

 

I just don't know what I'm doing.

 

My mum already knows about my anxiety but she doesn't know it's gotten worse.

 

My Dad is old af, he won't understand. The only thing he really cares about is me and my sister going to uni and getting a good-paying job. In which I still love him for it. He just threatens to leave us.

 

My sister has already a lot on her plate with uni and i don't want to worry her with my problems.

 

I have seen the physiologist beginning of this year. She only knows about my anxiety about social situations and I think I’m a burden to my family. But I stopped seeing her because

  1. She told me to go to the gym to help my anxiety and I thought she was just calling me fat.

  2. My mum was paying for those sessions and I didn’t want her paying for it because she works at a school canteen where the pay isn’t much and she is now doing a hairdressing course in which she pays for too

Basically I just don’t want to burden her either.

 

Sometimes after a meltdown, I go blank, I numb my brain so I can’t think of anything and pretend I didn’t just skip class just to cry. which affects my attendance at school.

 

It’s like everyone I know has their life in check besides me.

 

My mum and sister don’t really care if my dad leaves only I do.

 

Like I know I need help it’s just, I feel like I can’t talk to anyone based on I don’t know what advice they’re going to give.

 

Anxiety is also messing up my memory the only thing I remember from my psychologist is in situations where you have anxiety you tend not to remember it. It’s to a point where I don’t even remember I have homework which makes my grade fall as our homework is based on our exams.

 

I am also a very emotional person, when you first meet me I may come off as shy as I don’t necessarily speak unless I absolutely need to. I am known as the quiet kid in school.

However, to my family, I come off as strong but inside I’m crying.

Like I could be on the verge of tears and no one would notice I’m so used to holding it in this feeling is hopeless

 

The smallest things trigger me like if you're in my room and I don’t want you here I would go violent and kick you out. Although it’s never to the extent where I’ve physically hurt someone. The closest it been bad is when I almost threw my mum's phone across the room just to make her leave only because I wanted to be alone.

 

I always say I want to be alone when I don’t

I just prefer to because I don’t want to ruin things.

 

I really want to be myself but I'm too scared.

 

Listen closely to the songs I play because the lyrics speak the words I fail to say

 

I know this is all over the place. These are just things going on in my life.

Re: TW: Suicide, I'm tired of being alone

Hey @TBNRreflex, thanks for putting a trigger warning in your post, I'm just adding TW to the title of your post as well to align with our Community Guidelines.  I've edited your post a little bit as well for this same reason.

 

You must be so exhausted. The feelings of anxiety and worry and being scared are all such tiring feelings that can be so draining. 

That's awful your dad threatens to leave you, I can imagine that is playing on your mind a lot and it must feel like a burden that you are the only one who cares if he does. 

I'm wondering if anyone in your life knows that you attempted to take your life? I understand you don't want to worry your sister while she is busy, is there anyone else in your life you feel you can turn to for support?

 

I'm sorry you had a bad experience last time you saw a psychologist, you said you know you need to see one again, would you be interested in trying a different psychologist? It might be possible to find one who bulk bills if you are able to get a mental health care plan. We can also discuss other supports that might be helpful if you would like to.

 

It must be hard being triggered by lots of things, good on you for maintaining that self control around not throwing things even when you want to. Is there anything you do that helps you feel calm?

Thanks for sharing what's going on for you @TBNRreflex , I hope you're able to find support on the forum, you are not alone Heart

Re: TW: Suicide, I'm tired of being alone

I'm really sorry to hear about everything that's been going on for you @TBNRreflex but I think it is extremely brave of you to have reached out here for support and shared some of your story with us. I've found nothing but support in this community and I really hope you're able to find the same ❤ 

 

I'm also wondering the same as @Hannah-RO  - have you ever spoken to anyone about attempting to take your own life? Only because I know how huge that can be to keep to yourself and I think it's very important you try and speak to someone about it, just so they can talk things through with you and maybe help put some sort of a safety plan together to try and reduce the chances of ending up back in that dark place. 

 

You're still at school yeah? Is there maybe a school counsellor you might be able to talk to? Often they are free which is handy and they might then be able to refer you to someone in the community who bulk bills etc. and help with the process of getting a mental health care plan put together? Idk, every school counsellor is different but it could be worth a try? Especially if it's effecting your schooling like you say it is - they may be able to assist with setting up a learning plan or requesting extensions etc. 

 

We are all definately here to help you through this, but I do think that it's just as important to have supports around us that we can physically be with if needed (it took me ages to realise this but once you do and you start to open up you realise how beneficial it can be). I know you don't want to be a burden to your mum or sister but would you feel comfortable talking to either of them? Because I'm certain they wouldn't see you as a burden. Or what about a friend even? You could maybe ask one of them to go to an appointment with you for some extra support? Let us know what you think.