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(Trigger warning) I feel really suicidal tonight because of my Mom

I had another lapse of suicidal tendencies. 

There's no other way to say this but...I really wanted to die tonight

It's because of my relationship with my family. 

I've sort of become a human mental health punching bag.

My mother...can be a difficult person to get along with.

As a child she was unpredictable, temperamental, stubborn.

Today I promised her I would help her today with her work and I did. I

gave up all my spare time today without a complaint. 

On no sleep by the way.

(I don't have that much spare time to begin with because of Uni)

Yet straight away from the morning get go she made me feel

like absolute crap. 

She has this habit of stressing herself out by setting

tasks too big for herself and then taking it out on me. 

Her work is stressful, but at the same time no one is forcing her

to do it. 

She creates her own problems and releases hell on everyone else

around her. 

So I spent the day helping her out, then we came home late which is

a problem for me, because I'm the one responsible for getting my little sister 

up and ready the next morning for the school bus.

If I don't get enough sleep it's hard to do that.

But I ignored it, I figured she needed the time at her office.

She keeps around this energy sucking depressive loser at home. 

My oldest sister, who will complain about absolutely everything while doing

nothing to change her situation (We've been patient, we have all given up years of our life to try to help this person, try 5. 5 years trying to help someone) all she ever does is moan about how unfair life is without getting off her ass. She expects life to hand her a dream on a silver platter, then gets disappointed when it doesn't throwing tantrums. 

But the thing is...YOU CANT HELP SOMEONE THAT DOESNT WANT TO BE HELPED!

They are purposely not doing anything to change their current situation. They play the victim, only to be the own cause of their issues.

They won't take their medicine!

They won't see someone. 

They literally ooze misery and exhaustion.

So even though we were both extremely tired I helped cook because thats natural, I'm 20 not a child. 

So after they went (My depressed older sister) up-stairs chucking a mini-tantrum how no one listens (Yet she refuses to see a professional counsellor) note this went on for probably 1 hour of her complaining. 

My mother then made me sit down and have to listen to her problems.

That's when It hit me I just couldn't do it. 

It was 11:00pm at night, I needed to get up at 6:00am the next morning for my little sister.

I just finished a few days earlier some major assignments, came in and helped her with her work for 3-4 days straight after the assignment was completed. Picked up my baby sister from day-care and took them home.

All within the span of a week and I was tired out of my brains while my mother complained about the same thing she's been complaining about for 14 freaking years.

She basically got mad because I started tuning out and called me a bitch and some other stuff I can't remember my brain starts to tune stuff out after a while.

But I just can't deal with her demands sometimes. 

I am stretching myself as far as I can go.

I help her with work, I do shopping, cooking and cleaning of the household. 

I pick up my baby sister, wash her clothes and send her to school every morning. 

Without fail, making her nutritious food because I love her.

Sometimes I don't even eat properly.

I never ask for help with my Uni work. 

I discuss her business plans for hours and help her edit. 

I am exhausted, under-fed and stressed to the maximum from university..

I do not have any more I can give to people and yet they still keep tugging at me from all angles.

I am just one human being. 

I just couldn't do it tonight. 

I couldn't give any more. 

...Because of that then she sees no problem with treating me like human garbage. 

As If I don't matter at all. 

Calling me bitch and other names as I head upstairs to my room.

It's like im not human unless im useless or serving peoples needs.

I give it my all, but I swear one day my family is going to wear me out too much and it's going to kill me. 

I don't know how to deal with this...she doesn't seem to respect me as a human being let alone her daughter. 

It really got to me tonight. 

It just went straight and cut me to the bone with her remarks. 

I just felt so disgusting, worthless and alone. 

I just don't know what to do...(Suggestions?)

 

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Re: I feel really suicidal tonight because of my Mom (Trigger warning)

Hi @YunoGasai,

It sounds like you are carrying a lot of responsibility and weight on your shoulders at the moment- I really feel for you and can hear how exhausted you must be feeling right now. Our number one concern is your safety and wellbeing. You mentioned feeling like ending your life last night, were you able to keep yourself safe? Are you able to keep yourself safe today?

 

With so much on your shoulders, I'd really like to know more about your support network. Are you seeing any professionals? ReachOut isn't a crisis support service, but if you are feeling unsafe, there are some great helplines you can call for support and to talk it through with someone trained in crisis support such as the Kids Helpline, Lifeline or the Suicide Call Back Service Heart These services can really help when things get really tough and you want to talk it through.

 

I'm really sorry to hear how full on things have been at home and how much you are carrying - that's really really tough and I want you to know we are here for you and care about your wellbeing Heart In this community, you are not alone Heart

 

In other threads here we talk about self care which is really about making sure that you are filling up your emotional resources to keep going. You mentioned feeling like you are giving a lot to others and this has been at the expense of your health too. Would you be up to having a chat with the community about different ways you can use self care to maintain your wellbeing?

 

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Re: I feel really suicidal tonight because of my Mom (Trigger warning)

Hi @YunoGasai,

 

It sounds like there's so much going on in your life, having many responsibilities and really looking after your family. It must feel so horrible hearing your mother's insults Smiley Sad You are so helpful at home but it must feel like she isn't respecting you and appreciating all the things that you're doing.

 

Is there anyone you trust whom you might be able to talk to? Please remember to take care of yourself too, you're a worthwhile person even though it might not feel like it after hearing what your mother said. How are you going today?

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Re: I feel really suicidal tonight because of my Mom (Trigger warning)

I'm better, she's in one of her better moods. There is no one else, my family is sort of isolated so I have no one I trust that much. I'm not trying to be dramatic but im sort of on my own.
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Re: I feel really suicidal tonight because of my Mom (Trigger warning)

Hey @YunoGasai sort of that feeling like you're an island huh? It's not an uncommon feeling, but a very uncomfortable one. A lot of people are not engaged with their families positively, some even estranged. You are very resilient and self-aware - and I want you to know we are here to listen as you need. Are you feeling better mainly because her mood is better?

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Re: I feel really suicidal tonight because of my Mom (Trigger warning)

I am feeling better. But also I kind of hit an epiphany that I would like to move out.
When I'm financially stable, It might be selfish and I might just seem like im escaping but I'd like to live my own life. Even if it's scary, even if it might be lonely I want to be brave enough to be by myself. I don't want anyone else to rule how I live my life... by being overbearing she kind of...turned me off our relationship for a while.. I would like to see how lifes like when we have a different dynamic. Like If I'm no longer dependent on her for a house or money, I heard relationships become better when children move out.