Valentines Day and What Came After
Valentine's day was great. Shitful, but great. The Tuesday before was nice, a girl asked me to be her Valentine so today I had a valentine for the first time ever. I showed up at school, gave her a drawing I had made and a card because I'm a broke ass bitch who can't afford a gift, while she gave me a heart shaped box of ferrero rochers. I was overwhelmed, most of the day was amazing. She asked to be her girlfriend in our maths class during a group activity, so yay I had a gorlfriend. The bad part of the day started when I was standing up leaning , kinda snuggling on gf's chest, and my old mate who can be a bit of a dickwad at times walks over. While I'm talking to my mate, my gf goes for a walk to go talk to some people, and for a while I just chat with old mate dickwad.
He makes some gay jokes, he must've seen me snuggling on my gf and okay maybe kiss on the cheek, and so I'm like 'haha I'm not gay' (ALTHOUGH i MAY AS WELL BE, i JUST CAN'T COME OUT YET BECAUSE OF THINGS LIKE THIS) I don't know about you guys, but I don't mind jokes like that. They're just jokes, the purpose isn't to offend, and he was only directing them really at me. Please though, keep in mind that he group I was hanging out with on the day were all out as either gay or bi or pan, so he keeps going on about how i must be gay, jokingly of course. Oh but then, but then, Dingwad McDongface comes over (who I feel I must note comes from a country where being gay is very illegal) starts being a dong about me and my girlfriend, so I turn around after a while of his homophobic comments to go chat with gorl. He grabs my bag and pulls me back into the railing that they were standing on the other side of, making my arms flail, causing me to accidentally hit the nicer dongwad, my old mate who had taken no part in the bag grabbing.I hear a slight crack. I ignore it, something I would later find out was a mistake.
I go off after a minute, carefully backing away, and chat with some mates for a few minutes before the bell rings. The bell goes, I head off to my next class. While sitting out waiting to be assigned a job, I decide, hey, I want some motherfricken chocolate. I pull out my plastic heart shaped box filled with lovely chocolates, and have one. I flip the box over because it feels weird and what do you know, there's a crack in the box. The crack I heard earlier but ignored. At that point, I was slightly pissed off and carefully put the box away. My laptop was in my bag, and I was honestly more worried about that but didn’t have time to check. I reported the incident and dongface ended up getting detention for a week because there's no way in hell he'd be getting a few days off school via suspension. I feel like I over reacted, but I had to vent because homophobic shit pisses me off. It doesn't emotionally hurt me, moreso just annoys me. And it broke my gift. 😞 Now wait, there's more.
A few days later, the Tuesday after Valentines day, I go over to my girlfriend's house. Watched netflix, ate lollies, ended up making out on her bed. The next day at school she told me she didn't feel ready for a relationship, and so I felt pretty numb about it. I'm not going to sit here pining over her, it's more the fact that I felt like it was my fault. I did something wrong. It was my fault because I'm the one who made the first move. I'm not feeling bad over the fact that we broke up, more the fact that it was my fault. I did something wrong.
I just felt really guilty. It was my fault. I'm the one who did something wrong. I just feel bad about it. I've moved on I guess, but I had been getting better until then. Other shit has happened since then, but that was the first major thing that's led to another spiraling shitstorm leading me to come back on here.
This was more just a recap of some of what's been happening lately, so there.
Sincerely, Zelda
Comments
Hi @Zelda_The_Dyke, I don’t think we’ve spoken on here before, so it’s nice to meet you 🙂 I’m also a girl who likes girls so I can understand how lonely it can be and how exciting it is to feel like you have a chance with someone!
It sounds like although your week started well, being hassled by homophobic classmates was understandably really upsetting, and then your girlfriend saying she wasn’t ready for a relationship was another painful event 😞 Is that right?
Dealing with homphobia is really difficult, and I can hear how annoyed you feel about what happened and then that this guy didn’t get much of a punishment! I wondered if you’d heard of QLife? They have a phone line and webchat and they might be a good resource for you to talk more about your experiences at school and what your rights are.
You said you mostly feel bad about breaking up with your classmate because it was your fault. From what you’ve written it really doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong! Sometimes relationships just don’t work out and it’s not anybody’s fault, it’s just because of where you’re both at in your lives. Perhaps you could talk to this girl and ask whether she felt hurt by anything you did?
We’re here to listen 
Oh right! I remember you now 
It’s good to see you back!
QLife is a pretty good service so it could be helpful to connect with them! Mm guilt can be a really tough feeling to fight 😞 it’s awesome that you were able to talk to her about it, though. Maybe it be a good idea to do something that you really enjoy to take your mind off things and give yourself a reward for getting through this week? Using the negatives to positives thread could also be helpful in reframing some of those self-blaming thoughts, what do you think?
