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Why Am I Like This TW

There is nothing wrong with me. I have been to psychologists, doctors, counsellors, and psychiatrists seeking help, and not once have I had any proper diagnoses for a mental illness. At the same time, I live in a stable family, with a nice house in a nice area, and go to a school where there are basically no bullies or assault, and I am in a class where there are none at all. My family are well off as well financially, and they love me and treat me well. From this, it would be assumed that I am reasonably happy, but I am not. I overthink things, I get terribly stressed and worried over many things people would call insignificant, especially if it has social aspects. I feel constantly either sad, agitated, or simply a little below mediocre. I hate myself, I self harm, I think about suicide, and I experience panic attacks. I find it difficult to leave the house due to feeling low and stressed around people. My attendance at school is awful because I find it so challenging to be around the students and teachers, and if I spend to much time socialising, I fall into a consistently dark state where all I can do is lie around and want to die/harm myself. When teachers look at what I'm doing, I get sweaty and a tight chest. I sometimes feel like I'm being watched, or someone is staring at me. I sit alone in most of the time because I don't want to disturb people, and partner work makes me feel ill. Why is it that my privileged "perfect" self struggles and needs all this help when everyone around me can put their hand up in class, attend school, get along with everyone, and manage their insecurities and worries. I know people hide a lot of struggle, but this is different, they can be social, I see them do it, I see them smile, they all look healthy, I don't.

Re: Why Am I Like This TW

Hi @Blurryphaced thank you for sharing with us, it sounds like you've been going through a difficult time Heart I'm wondering if you've spoken to a counsellor about this before? I find that sometimes when I overthink things, it's really good to be able to talk to someone to be able to get another perspective or to simply to have them as a sounding board. You also mentioned self-harm and suicidal thoughts, I would encourage contacting Kids Helpline or Lifeline for some support. Are you able to keep yourself safe today? We're here for you Heart

Re: Why Am I Like This TW

Honestly getting a diagnosis is very difficult it took about 20 years for them to give me one and I have had issues since I was born and have been seeing various people my whole life. But something I have come to realize is that the label doesn't really matter that much for some things yes but it doesn't change what you are experiencing or make it any better sometimes it can help to understand but mostly I find it more productive to focus on specific issues and work on each of those. As for why even if you get a diagnosis that won't tell you why it happened or how you got it. I also find thinking about why is not so productive. But these are just things I find. If you feel a diagnosis would help you then you can always get a second opinion from different doctors but I also find psychiatrists are not always great at listening and sometimes you just have to keep repeating yourself before they get the message. 

Re: Why Am I Like This TW

@Eden1717 thank you very much for your response Smiley Happy I know that the 'label' isn't important, but I'm generally a person who wants to understand things myself, and I find when I do that it helps. For example, when I was first told about breathing exercises, I thought they were nonsense and never used them because no one explained the reasons why they work, and once someone finally did  I was able to better use them because I knew they were helping. Like that, I believe a diagnosis would help me feel better because there is a reason for why I feel the way I do, and that I'm not just being dramatic or am just weaker than everybody else when it comes to coping mentally. Of course, I am not saying I know I have a mental illness, im not a doctor, but when I look at myself, I feel there must be some sort of issue, Im not just feeling these ways for no reason. I've always been afraid of directly addressing the topic of diagnosis, but from reading about your experience I think I need to, if not just for an explanation of what else may be causing my problems.

Re: Why Am I Like This TW

@Blurryphaced I can absolutely understand your desire to know what is going on and have a better understanding of it. It can be helpful in that way and it can be validating to know that your struggle has a real reason. I also believe that a person knows when there is something not right with them in most cases and in most cases people are right about what it is. I don't advocate self diagnosis but I do advocate self awareness of ones own feelings, emotions and experience. And chances are if you feel you are having and issue with X then you probably do. It is very hard though because at the same time I am aware that our society doesn't exactly foster healthy levels of self esteem which can also make one feel as though there is something "wrong" with them. Still it is worth investigating. I would warn you though if you go down the road of diagnosis it can not only be long but very confusing. I have had over 11 different diagnoses from over 25 different psychiatrists. Their advice can be inconsistent and confusing and contradictory to what each other is saying. So considering that I think it is important for anyone to understand the diagnosis and think about if it fits for you and what you are experiencing as you know your own struggle best. Then it is always good to talk through your thoughts with the professionals. But as there is no way to test for any of them in a consistent and definitive way it means there can be a lot of trial and error. This is long sorry lol. Anyway it is a big thing to go through but it can be worth it if it means you can find something that helps. 

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Re: Why Am I Like This TW

Hey, I can totally relate to you. It seems like everything in my life is fine and there is no negative influences, but still it is such a negative place in my head. Maybe one day there will be an explanation to why we have to go through this for seemingly no reason. What makes it worse it that it feel less valid since there is no visible "cause". Just know your not alone if that helps.