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Worried about my pets

Hi, I haven't been on here before but Im feeling like I need a bit of support through this time.....

My partner and I are going through a tough time because I feel he is too controlling. We have been together for over two years and at first he was amazing, he showed me so much devotion and made me feel like a princess....Now not so much. Unfortunately one of his methods of controlling my behavior is hurting my pets, and them using follow ups of threatening to kill them. He has always hated my cats, to the point that one of them became so scared it wouldn't come near the house anymore (my house at the time). I had to give him away to my mum, and he is now very happy. My other cat is a lot tougher, however he has had to put up with being shot with an air rifle, poisoned and kicked. When my partner and I have an argument he resorts to trying to kick my cat and threatens to kill him... His last comment was that he was going to "stomp his head into the ground". That night I took my cat and locked myself in the bedroom. We also have two dogs, both of which I have seen him kick to the point that they yelp, my male puppy he regularly picks up by just the collar and throws (because he has dug a hole, or he jumped into the front seat of the car, not the back). I find I want to leave sometimes to just have a bit of space but I can't leave my pets because I can't trust him with them. I have taken my cat to my mums with me on occasion which she finds very bizarre. I am so frustrated that of all people I can't trust him. Isn't he supposed to be the one person I should be able to trust the things I care about with? And what about if/when we decide to have children???

Re: Worried about my pets

Hi Kemikal, so glad you found us... What you have described sounds really scary, and really NOT ok...

 

What your partner is doing is domestic violence and it is against the law. You do not deserve to be treated like this - through the mistreatment of your pets.

 

Please have a read of this article and check out 1800RESPECT - you can chat with a counsellor online or on the phone.

 

You do not deserve this treatment and the law is on your side. It's great you have reached out to us here, now keep going...

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com

Re: Worried about my pets

Hi Kemikal,

I agree completely with Sophie. This is definitely not right. It's really not fair on you or your pets and it needs to stop.

Do you think you could take your pets and go and stay with your mum? Maybe you could show your mum this post so she knows what is going on and why you need to get out?

It really sounds as though your boyfriend needs some serious help and unfortunately sometimes the only way for them to get that help is to report him to the police. Animal cruelty is definitely NOT okay and unfortunately it's not uncommon for violence to start out with animals and then move onto other humans.

Please contact 1800RESPECT as Sophie suggested. It's a great service who will listen to you and explain what steps you can take to protect yourself (and your pets).

Stay safe.

MM.

Re: Worried about my pets

Hey Kemikal,

 

I'm really sorry to hear how hard things are for you. It must be really scary when your beloved pets are threatened and hurt by your partner. I agree with Sophie, this is domestic violence. Domestic violence is about being controlled by fear. Sometimes it's fear that you'll be hurt but it can also be fear that someone or something you love will get hurt.

It can really help talking to a professional, they can help you understand your situation and to see what your options are. 

Is talking to someone something you feel comfortable with?

Re: Worried about my pets

Hi Kemikal,

 

I just wanted to say that I admire your courage for being able to talk about this issue. A lot of people wouldn't be able to seek the help that you've started getting by posting this here.

 

I hope that you can take the strength that you've got an use it to keep going.

 

Atma

Re: Worried about my pets

Thank you all for the immediate support.....I guess my main problem is that I don't want to leave him. Its going to sound like Im making excuses for him, but he isn't like this all the time. On the flip side he can be very loving towards our dogs, although he is never even close to liking my cat! I know what he has done is wrong deep down, for some reason Ive just taken it on board even though I have even told him if a stranger did the same things I would despise them. At this stage I have managed to get him to see a phsycologist, which at the moment doesn't seem to be helping a whole lot, but I figure its a start. He has a lot of issues I believe with his past, mainly from the time his father left their family to be with another woman. When I think about it I realize I am probably the 'perfect' partner to his control issues....I have a tendency to become the victim and not know how to get out of it. 

 

One of the things that really irks me is that most of his friends and family just accept this behavior as well, they never question him and even laugh when he does cruel things, ebven though I know none of them would ever do the same. I think a lot of people are secretly scared of him, or dont want to deal with the reaction he gived=s to being questioned....?

Re: Worried about my pets

It sounds like a really positive step that he's going to seek some support from a psychologist. Have you ever considered looking into some similar support for yourself? Psychologists can be great for chatting to about issues like the one you're having and will have some great ideas for support and coping that you can take on board.

 

Remember that sometimes when we're caring or supporting others through a hard time that we can sometimes get worn down. So make sure you're looking after yourself by taking time out and focusing on doing things that you enjoy.

 

Also the links that some of the other users have posted above, like 1800RESPECT are a good resource to tap into, even if all you want it to find out more information or ask a specific question that we might not be able to answer here.

Re: Worried about my pets

Hey Kemikal,

 

It definitely sounds to me like you are in a really difficult situation. You clearly have a lot of love for your partner and value the relationship a great deal. It can be helpful that you know that you don't want to leave him at the moment because it allows you to focus on what you are willing to do. Getting professional help to try and improve the relationship is an awesome thing to do and I really agree with Atma that seeing someone for yourself could make a huge difference. They can give you all sorts of tips on how to deal with conflict with your partner or options about keeping your pets safe. It sounds to me that you have a lot of love for your partner and your pets and I'm sure you would like to find a solution that keeps everyone safe and ok. The counsellors at 1800RESPECT have lots of experience with relationships and can help you come up with practical solutions to help make things less difficult for you.

 

Re: Worried about my pets

Hey again Kemikal - I did want to just add that you can get support from a domestic violence agency to get the violence to stop and you stay with your partner. DV agencies know that sometimes women decide that the best and safest thing for them is to stay with their partner but get the violence to stop. They can help you get this to happen. You can even get an AVO that says he must stop being violent to the animals - buty ou can still live together and continue your relationship. I'm not saying thats your only option - but it is one option. Talk to 1800RESPECT about all of your options around staying with your partner but getting the threats of violence to your pets to stop...

Let us know how you go...

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com