I Want To Move On
Hi everyone, I want to use this as more like a vent outlet so please don't feel obligated to give me advice (though I will happily take it). I'm taking care of myself, but I think this will help me.
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I haven't been very happy as of late.
That is because I'm going through an essential but painful stage in my life that is experienced universally, so much so that it's expressed in countless of sad songs and is an ingredient for empowering self love films.
Unrequited love. It sucks.
So to set the scene; I have been friends with this guy through our senior years of high school. Not close-close friends, but close enough to be deemed a good friend in his eyes - and close enough for me to form the biggest crush on him I've ever had in my life.
He dated during that time, on and off, and even tried to hit it with my best friend. I went through an array of emotions as most of us do in our young years: questioning our self worth because of some guy who most defientley isn't worth our time.
Skip to four years later after we've mutually gone our separate ways after school, we meet again. By that time I am still proud to say that I have blossomed into the kind of person he grew very attracted to, and after an experimental kiss and days of texting we became friends with benefits for months.
We grew very close and I would often visit him when he wanted to see me. We formed new friends together and shared funny sweet moments that haunt me now.
The internal debate of whether or not to ask the "what are we" question grew louder by each month, until I got very jealous at a party when a girl flirted with him.
I told him how I felt. I was ready to accept the end of our 'relationship'. Then he tells me that despite the many people he felt attracted to, I'm the one he would consider actually dating.
Sweet words became the aphrodisiac to incredible love making, and we decided to save the rest of that conversation till the morning.
Which...we never did.
I decided to rely on time and faith that what he said was true. I didn't want to pressure him into making us official.
But my internal doubts were proven when I suspected he was interested in other people, particually a friend of mine who shared the same goth aesthetic as him. Jealousy kicked in again and it was almost as if I could SEE a better chemistry between them.
Spoiler alert, they're now together.
But that was after I asked him about how he truly felt about me. Turned out he was seeing other people as well as me, and I didn't know about it.
The worst thing? He apologised for leading me on. It clicked in my mind that he is considering other (better) people and he didn't want a relationship with me. Keep in mind, he IS an emotional guy who cares a great deal. I could feel his guilt, but we both knew where this had to head.
I ended things there, and I'm proud that I did. He and I are still friends. We just don't talk much.
Now here comes the heartbreak episode. I went through the stages of grief for the first time. I couldn't eat, I felt depressed, everything reminded me of him, nothing felt right. I kept thinking about the people who seemed right for him and consequentally felt my self esteem drop.
My guilt still resides within me thinking about my lingering feelings towards him. Tonight I avoided a group video chat knowing that he and his new girlfriend were on call while spending the night together. There are so many friends within our group that I don't wish to part from, but since I'm friends with both him and his girlfriend, there's only so much confrontation I can take.
He probably doesn't realise I still feel this way. And he moved on SO QUICKLY.
Almost immediatley found a more compatible person.
I've had to set boundaries for myself. I've avoided hangouts with friends knowing I would have to see them together. I unfollowed them both on social media. And I'm practicing self love every single day.
Life reminds us that it sucks with these scenarios, however I am extremely lucky to have friends on my side who are kind to both me and him, but will look at the situation and tell me it's not my fault for feeling what I feel. I am reminded of the love around me, even if it's not from him.
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Anyway, y'all ever had that feeling?
Comments
Hi, I hope you don't mind me replying even though my experiences aren't to the same severity as yours and I'm not providing any useful advice.
But in my experience however, I also started having feelings for a close friend mid-way through high school. Although I knew that he most probably only paid attention to my advances because he enjoyed the attention, I continued anyway enjoying the reciprocation. This ended up resulting in a period of time where we btoh mutually flirted.
This would soon end however as some mutual friends who were girls began to take notice and flirt with him also. He ended up ignoring me and talking with the two girls after that, and I started distancing myself even just as friends. I didn't have the guts to even talk to him about it however as I had (and still have) self-esteem issues (whcih although unrelated, would soon develop into so what of a eating disorder that I would have to consult with a psychologist about).
Although our relationship took a bit of a hit after that we still somewhat managed to keep our relationship somewhat intact due to my efforts. At this point I still hadn't lost feelings for him.
Time passed and it seemed as if the two girls had lost interest in him, while still managing to keep in touch with him. During this period I was highly dependant on his attention and this seemed obvious to him when he got into his first relationship. I had confessed to him when he had first gotten together with her (probably out of desperate hope), and he instead would taunt his relationship in my face to evoke a reaction, saying how attracted he was to her, asking me to pick an outfit for him for their date and even promising to visit me at work whole they were on their date.
Thjs was a hard period for me to overcome and would often cry to my friends and family like the sob I am. A couple of years later in our final years of high school I still somewhat had feelings for him and the same situation happened. Btw at this point him and his last gf had broken up. I felt like he was purposely trying to evoke jealousy out of me and trying being overly intimate with his new girlfriend in front of me. This included purposely finding me and sitting in front of me to flirt. Thus of course again resulted in me being upset and crying to my friends and family about it even though I was already a senior in high school and has better things to worry about.
I'm now in my first year of uni and have officially distanced myself from him, however I heard from a mutual friend that he indirectly said that he missed being friends with me. After having my feelings and self-esteem obliterated by him for over 3 years it felt like a complete joke and I even laugh aloud when i heard the news. Even after trying to desperately clung onto my tether with him throughout high-school and embarrassing myself by leaving numerous unread or unreplied messages and following him around the school trying to get a conversation he seemed to finally show an interest. However, I know this is shallow interest and is probably a result of him being bored and needing a new topic to feel self pity about.
What's worse is that event hough I feel resent, I can't help but want ot message him (since I know he won't message em first). I want to mend our relationship. Whether this is because I need peer-approval, or just his approval I guess Im still just as pathetic as I was when I was 15.
Hope sharing my experience has helped any, and I hope everything turns out well for you.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I just want to say I'm very proud of you for distancing yourself from him. I may not know the guy but it sounds like he didn't have any respect for you. Feelings are wild and illogical and, ironically without thinking, we can manipulate ourselves to focus solely on the good in people and ignore their red flags. I laughed with you when you said this guy missed your friendship. A reality check will do him good.
@Reeddd @selfloveapprentice just catching up on this thread, it sounds to me like you've both done a really great job of establishing boundaries for yourselves and putting your own needs first. I think a lot of us can relate to having had similar situations in our pasts, and I think your first heartbreak can be especially brutal. It's definitely a form of grief, but it sounds like you are both strong people, who deserve to be in relationships with people who can see how awesome you are.
