What's your opinion on the connection between tenderness and emotional resilience?
I have never done any proper research on this topic. Still, I'm curious about the opinion of our community on this topic, and maybe some of your experiences as well (only if you're comfortable enough to share thou).
I've been studying topics regarding mental health since I was in middle school. "Embracing your emotions" is one of the most common terms that I've been seeing quite a lot. I'm also learning to be as gentle to myself as possible, but sometimes my family's opinions are quite the contrary. I mean, my parents, my older brother, and my aunty all rose from hardships and difficulty, so they sort of learnt to tough up and sweep away the pain to keep going. But I don't really think that's the case for me. I'm considered quite sensitive, probably the most sensitive member in my family. I let my emotions out easily and I really want to learn how to correctly embrace it. I can rationalize things pretty well, it's just that I always take a bit more time than the members in my family to process my own emotions. I mean, I thought I knew what I was doing, but sometimes seeing my family being worried because of me is just kind of sad. They want me to be more resilient by "toughing up" and "don't cry for such a long time over something". I'm at the kind of age where everything is confusing right now, not old enough to be called an adult but I'm also not a teenager anymore, I don't really know whether toughing up or taking time for my own feelings is the right choice to succeed in life. I'm feeling pretty fine, just to clarify, I just I wanna ask for your thoughts on this topic. Thank you for listening hehheh:)
Comments
Hey @frogonthelake
I have a bachelor in Psychological Science and am currently completing post grad studies in it so have done a bit of research in this area in the past, though I think personal experiences have been the most healpful in teaching me about resilience practices.
I believe how people practice emotional resilience depends on their personality and past. For your family members practicing emotional resilience seems to involve pushing emotions down and avoiding the pain, where you prefer to do it in a more gentle way. Neither way is wrong, but I believe the way you have been brought up, including whats going on around you and in the world greatly affects this. For your family, you mention them growing up with hardship and difficulty, this may have caused them to believe it is better to push down their feelings rather than work through them. This is seen in many of the older generations and is generally due to the difficulties they went through in the past, as well as mental health and discussing it being seen as taboo until recent years. For yourself, I believe it is a bit easier to work through your emotions as you may feel safer than they did at your age, but also mental health is not as taboo as it was in their days.
Either way, both your family and yourself have learnt to show resistance whether it is through pushing down the bad or being tender to yourself. While personally I believe tenderness is a better way of working through feelings and staying resistant, sometimes it is too hard and is easier to push these emotions down, especially if going through other issues. I believe many psychologists would also say that working through these issues is better, though only when in the right state of mind as bringing up emotions that have been pushed down can be traumatising when not in a safe mindset.
Anyways I hope this helps settle your confusion. Whatever you decide to do make sure it is what makes you feel best, not just what others do, as everyone is different and may react to certain resilience techniques better.
Thank you for giving me such an insightful reply🥺 it does help a lot
Hey @frogonthelake
Being sensitive isn't a bad thing. I am a sensitive person and I did view it as a bad thing, I eventually thought about it that I feel my emotions more strongly than others which isn't a bad thing. This has made me more empathic to others and more aware of what others might be feeling but also recognise my emotions quicker. I definitely find it is better to accept and embrace my emotions than toughen up because they can be processed and not suppressed. Ultimately I feel better.
I remember doing research for an assignment in high school and I came across this Orchid and dandelion phenomenon it really stuck with me. Basically people particularly children can fall into being an orchid or a dandelion (there is a third but I can't remember). A dandelion is someone who can flourish under most circumstances and an orchid is someone who given the right environment will flourish these are generally environments they are supported in and they can be seen as sensitive. The third is a mix of both. I often found I was more of an orchid under the right environment and the support I am able to flourish, otherwise, I am sensitive to the environment around me and crumble. I think sensitive is better because you are also able to create the support you need to flourish.
aww thanks for sharing your story with me🥺 it sounds like i would relate more to the orchid too since i've experienced 2 different education systems and i only consider myself thrive in 1 lol
Hey @frogonthelake
It’s really hard being sad with everyone worried about you. It’s great that you’re learning how to be gentle with yourself! It’s a difficult skill to learn but it’s very helpful.
I was a very sensitive kid. Most of my extended family would make fun of me and so would some of my immediate family and even teachers. People would purposely upset me and then tell me I’m a cry-baby or just act like they didn’t know what they were doing. Ultimately, I got really good at ignoring my feelings and being ‘tough.’
But now I really struggle to cry in front of people because I’m still scared that they’ll mock me or yell at me or something. I don’t think it was worth it honestly. I wish I remained sensitive. Only good thing is it made me work hard to ensure that people to feel safe around me and make them know they can feel whatever they want. So yeah, I’d go for being sensitive.
@Lapis_Anteater I feel you lots🥺 thank you for sharing your experience, I'm glad there are people who share a similar perspective to mineee. I regret crying in front of people sometimes since it is hard for me to suppress it myself, but it doesn't seem very bad after all. I wonder if sensitivity is something we can learn again...
Hey @frogonthelake
I really like this topic, thanks for bringing it up. I'm a bit like you, I'm a pretty sensitive person, probably more sensitive than some of my family members but when I go through hardships I can be resilient which I like. For me even if I don't let out my emotions, people can just see it on my face or through the energy I'm giving off. However, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being sensitive, it is actually a very endearing trait, and it also means we can be very caring and kind. They sometimes say being sensitive is like a superpower and it's a sign of strength.
I think it's more important to feel and embrace your emotions rather than just "toughing up", but there are ways to deal and manage with your emotions and become resilient, which I'm still learning myself. I'm wondering though, would you consider yourself an empath? Because I can relate to some things you say and would say I'm an empath.
@Blueberry_Kudu thank youuu. It's really cool to view sensitivity in that way. Like, honestly I would not trade my ability of embracing my emotions for anything too, because it feels good, you know. I tend to feel too much sometimes, so I think I could consider myself an empath too hehe:))
Hi @frogonthelake 👋 Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with this topic! It's clear that you've put a lot of thought into understanding your own emotions and how they fit into the context of your family's experiences. I imagine it can be challenging when there's a difference in the way emotions are approached within your family.
It's great to hear that you are actively working on embracing your emotions and being gentle with yourself. It's so important to recognise and honour your own emotional process, even if it differs from others in your family. Each person's journey is unique, and what works for one may not necessarily work for another.
It's understandable that your family may have developed a resilience through toughening up and pushing through difficulties. However, sensitivity and taking the time to process emotions are valuable traits too. It's okay to take the time you need to understand and process your feelings, this is actually a really healthy way to cope. You also mentioned that you can rationalise things well, and that's a huge strength. I guess it’s not about one approach being right or wrong but finding a balance that works for you 😊
I wonder if it could be worth having an open conversation with your family about your perspective and the importance of allowing you to process emotions? Helping them understand that your approach doesn't necessarily mean you're not resilient, but rather it's a different way of coping, might help foster some understanding and acceptance for your differences.
Thanks again for sharing!
@Sally_RO Aw thank you for the kind reply. I have actually discussed with my family about my own coping mechanism multiple times, and it seems like they are making effort to understand me too, which is nice. But sometimes it feels like I'm doing a little experiment on myself because I'm probably the first person ever in my family to have such gentle approach with emotional difficulties, I don't actually know if it will work for me in terms of being successful in the future, but it feels pretty nice to embrace my feelings to be honest.
