Hi guys. I’ve been here multiple times during Covid time of 2020. I found an old forum about something suffering “HOCD” (just OCD with instrutive thoughts) and I decided to post there. Little did I know I’d be here secretly on a secret email all the time for the next 3 months of my life. I did not eat much or talk much to my family and vanished from the once extroverted and happy usual self I was. I was quiet. I pushed everyone away and it was one of the worst times in my life possible. I was suffering thinking about my sexuality. I’ve had sexual dreams involving intercourse purely with men that I’ve always enjoyed or found pleasurable but with women I’ve never felt the same. It’s always been uncomfortable and makes me want to struggle free from the grasp. It’s not the thought of “this is wrong” with the same sex but moreso the uncomfortable thought of having the same body against mine in intimacy. I’ve found guys attractive but also found girls really pretty or beautiful looking. I was crying thinking about how I wanted to look like Madison Beer and be those pretty celebrities and it spiraled into a “I don’t think she’s pretty I want to be with her.” Which mentally destroyed me the more I thought about it everyday. Everywhere I looked I first thought of “Oh my god she has such nice waists” which I never thought before or ever told myself, and would switch to “ugh that guy is ugly” because I kept telling myself I was lesbian from all the thoughts I had from Madison beer. When I thought this, my mind would be clumped and I couldn’t even think straight, I was just overwhelmed and it felt forced to even talk about the body of the same sex.
I’ve had this crush on a guy or talked to majority of guys and had small little bursts of “cuteness” I felt when talking or when they complimented me. One guy I still do have a massive crush on since 6th grade and now I’m in 10th. When I think of the future I see him, even though I’m nonexistent in his life now. (Used to be best friends). I never confessed though. Every time I see him now I always wonder if it’s an excuse to hide my TRUE sexuality, and I get afraid. If I think a girl is pretty and she talks to a guy or another girl, I’ve never envied the people she spoke to/liked. I’ve only ever envied the attention she’d receive for example.
I feel bad bringing this up because it feels like I should already know how I feel, but I don’t. I see my future with a man but I wonder what it’s like with a girl sometimes. I do find women attractive, for sure but sexual intimacy is never something I’d consider even if I have thought or imaged it in my head. I see a girls curves , butt or boobs and kind of wished I had them, because they look really pretty or makes them seem more feminine.
the reason why I’m so afraid of anxious is because I have a super deep voice for a female and sometimes I sound like my brothers on call. It’s not the usual high pitched voice and people have asked if I was actually a guy through online friend calls. I hate my voice and wish I had one that was more high pitched. I hate shopping, I play video games, I don’t wear make up (hate wearing it because I don’t want makeup to defy my looks I want to be confident in my own skin.) and I don’t do girly things. I’m a tomboy moreso and the way I talk is pretty tomboyish too in terms of my slang and what “the boys” would say. That made me drive into a “Oh my god I’m a lesbian” because I act that way.
The incident that also drove me to this point is this girl I met at my new school. She came up to me wanting to be friends (she’s pretty damn popular) and I thought she was pretty. She and I talked for a couple hours during the school day and she eventually Invited me to sit with her during class even though she had other friends. I guess I felt flattered by it because I never really would expect that from someone since I’m always the one approaching. Because of this little hapoy butterfly moment of excitement from a new friendship I’ve created it randomly hit me and I asked myself, “You bloody like her don’t you?” But no, I don’t. I don’t at all, oh my golly. My brain keeps telling myself that I’m in love with her and then every single girl I walk by now and every guy I see is SOOO UGLYYY is what it’s making me think even if I think the guy is super cute. It was never like this before but it randomly hit me AFTER I started thinking I was too tomboyish or seemed like a boy because of my actions I portrayed.
now, this seems all offensive towards sexuality and ect, but I’m a supporter but think I might be one which I’ve tried to open up about so that I become more comfortable and not worried of the subject. I have friends that are from the LGBTQ community that I’ve helped them COME to their understanding... of course they do it on their own since it’s a journey of self realisation but I hate that I feel this way and feel immense guilt towards my friends too. I love them, and appreciate them for coming out and understanding theirselves but I just can’t imagine myself with another woman long term and the thought of it keeps hacking into my brain...
I was fine for the entire year eventually after getting rid of the instructive thoughts but I want to vent it now and get some help before it’s too late again and I won’t be my usual self and cry everyday. I can’t cry, I need to be strong.
Thanks... : )
