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Everything is so tough lately.

Hi all. The new forums are confusing for me so I thought I would make another post. Mods if that's not ok feel free to delete this and I'll post on my recent thread instead, sorry. Please no judgement. I wasn't sure where to post this.


*Possible trigger warning, but I am safe.*


Everything is really tough for me lately. I've been staying up late and sleeping in, until like 2-3pm. I know that's laziness, please don't judge. It's been really difficult for me to get out of bed. Usually I get up a couple hours earlier than that or I have an appointment early in the morning and don't cancel it, depending what it's for, then I'll get up and go to it.


I don't see the point in waking up - I don't have anywhere to be, nothing to do in my town because I've tried everything here and nearby and get rejected and I don't know why. I have no friends. I don't do much or have a life. I just give up. I have no will to do anything, no motivation, no interest, nothing.


My meds don't seem to be working but I can't see my GP for who knows how long since he was on annual leave and his partner suddenly passed away so no one knows when he'll be back, and his patients including me are seeing replacement GPs but they may not be helpful and may not be able to change my meds.


I've been on these ones for a couple months and haven't gone up a dose and I don't really see the point. I feel so miserable and exhausted, like I just mope around. I may laugh occassionally but then I instantly feel depressed again.


I've been really suicidal, I'm safe, but it's hard to fight the thoughts. I don't want to go to a hospital and they refuse to help me anyway. I have reached out to helplines but they're all useless and tell me hurtful things, aswell as another forum, and a group chat on eHeadspace (I'm not saying this to put anyone off, just sharing my experiences).


I also have bowel and bladder problems and had to drink this sachet stuff, and that's been making me feel awful and really drained of energy, plus my binge eating disorder (again please don't judge) making me eat heaps, mostly junk, and sometimes only 1 meal a day. It's difficult. 


I'm getting really angry at the slightest things, and upset. It's really hard to deal with. I don't see my Psychiatrist until the 24th and a new GP (well replacement one) until the 21st. I don't know if I should change meds, up the dosage or stop them all together. I feel like I'm kind of dependant on being "drugged up" so to speak.


I hate feeling like this, I feel so alone, and like nobody cares. I feel so depressed etc but I also feel so numb. I'm struggling so much and I'm just wasting my "life" (not that I have one) away everyday by not doing anything and sleeping.


I'm a failure. I don't have any achievements and I'm 21. Most people finished school, got a job, studied, have friends, have their licence, and so forth. I have none of those because of my mental  health but all of that is a long story.


If you read this far, thank you. I'm sorry for making a few posts, it's just that the new forums are a bit confusing for me. You can delete it though if you wish mods.

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