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I am sorry you are struggling so much. i think sometimes we want to have a reason to be feeling a certain way or to be thinking or doing certain things so like maybe wanting to feel sad is more about wanting to give yourself permission to have the bad thoughts that you are already having. like not saying you are doing it diliberatly but like brains can be annoying and they like to have reasons for things instead of just accepting their own feelings. idk if i am making any sense here. anyway we are here to listen if that is helpful. is there anything helpful we could do on here for you? i am sorry you feel so alone.