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I feel so confused and like I don't belong anywhere. I'm doing a heap of MH training at the moment for uni to be a clinician but I'm also a consumer and feel so out of place when certain things are raised. I feel guilty for being there and like I don't belong and can't make this work. Like sometimes when we talk about other mental illness which I don't have I feel mostly fine, it still affects me but like I'm able to still function and feel really motivated to graduate and work with consumers but then when the illnesses I'm 'diagnosed' with are raised I feel like a fraud and like I shouldn't be there and I'm so scared I'm going to get found out and kicked out. I know it's stupid but it's how I feel and I can't really talk about it on here or explain it because I'm so scared I've already said too much and someone is going to figure out who I am and then I will be kicked out. I guess I just feel very confused and like I am lying to everyone. It's like there are two of me, one who is able to mask everything so well on the outside and actually be doing so well that clinicians are saying they keep forgetting I'm a student and then there's me who is literally dying on the inside and barely functioning. It's like I'm one person when I'm with them and fight so hard to keep everything hidden and under control and then as soon as I leave I'm a complete and utter mess. I know I'm not allowed to talk about it on here but yeah. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere and am so sick of hiding everything because I'm so exhausted but I know if I don't I'm almost certain I'm going to end up in hospital or in the clinic they tried to get me to go to but yeah anyway that's another story. I just don't belong anywhere and I feel like I have no one because I've pushed everyone away without meaning to but I just do and then I hate myself so much for it but I can't help it. I always ruin everything.