Thanks for your reply and checking in @MB95 it means a lot (warning: this got unintentionally long and turned into a long vent so no pressure to read it all).
Urgh it sucks that other people can relate, but t the same time is good because it makes everyone feel a little less alone. I worry about venting too much on here because I hate being a burden and having other people worry about me but at the same time I think it’s important to share because it might help someone else. Also I need help.
I’m hurting a lot but hanging in there. I don’t even know how anymore. I do not know how I survived yesterday. I spent the whole day waiting to go home, go to bed and cry myself to sleep. I can literally only focus on one thing at a time. It takes effort to distract myself, but is worth it. Like yesterday I forced myself to go to TAFE and work. It was so hard, but gave me something to do and slightly distracted me. I mean, I can only spend so much time in bed watching netflix (I’ll finish my show too soon lol). And today I was in a band festival with my old high school, which was actually kinda fun.
It’s so confusing. I hate this pain, but I can’t help but self sabotage. Whether I chose to self sabotage or help myself, I feel like I’ve made the wrong decision and I doubt myself and feel bad and hurt and am just all round confused.
I’m trapped and confused. My suicidal thoughts are intense and constant, but I would never act on them because I don’t want to hurt my family. But at the same time it’s so hard to imagine this getting better. Add self sabotaging, sh, and automatically angrily not wanting to help myself because I’m confused/feel like I don’t deserve it/am scared/don’t know who I am/feel like people worn’t care about me as much I’m ok and I’ll go back to feeling invisible… And it is so so so confusing. I spend so much time feeling like I’m gong to explode and my head hurting from everything just going on inside it.
I recently emailed one of my TAFE lecturers updating him on my mental health, outlining my situation, stating that I don’t need any help now but I was letting him know incase I ever do. And his reply was so nice. Then I briefly saw him the next day and he seemed to genuinely care about me.
I’m so used to feeling invisible. I’ve always found it so hard to fit in with people my age as I’ve always felt and acted more mature. In the past I’ve even had people who I trusted and considered close friends (probably unintentionally) ignore and hurt me, affecting me way more than they’ll probably every realise.
But when people know I’m not ok, they take notice of me. They care. They help me.
And I guess I’m scared that if I”m better I’ll go back to feeling invisible and alone.
My psychologist says I have a self worth issues, she’s probably right. When people know I’m not ok, they encourage/commend me, which validates my self worth? It validates my suffering and because I’m still going it means I’m strong and I’m doing a good job? Idk, I don’t expect whoever is reading this to reply to every aspect of what I’m writing. I’m just trynna come up with ideas to try to make some sense outta this.
Like yesterday I told one of my co-workers who knows a bit about my issues I was struggling and was at work to distract myself. She said ‘well you’re always welcome to do that here because you working here is fabulous.’ Then when she was making a cake with biscuits she just handed me one to eat. It was so nice. It made me feel loved and valued.
Again I guess I’m scared that no one will care about me or treat me nicely if I’m not struggling, which are things I might base my self worth on.
Anyway I do A LOT of journalling, venting and trying to figure out what’s going on in my crazy brain and this is some stuff I just came up with earlier today. Again, don’t expect anyone to reply to every aspect of what I’m writing, just venting and seeing if anyone has any ideas/advice.
Another thing I’m kinda embarrassed about and have never told anyone about because it seems weird…
As long as I can remember (haven’t done it much in the last few yrs because I’ve realised it’s weird and probably not helpful), when I was lying in bed waiting to fall asleep, I would create al these imaginary situations in my head where I was sick or disabled etc and I got sympathy and love and attention. And I enjoyed imagining this and looked forward to it. I now realise it sounds really awful and maybe even selfish.
But as I’m trying to figure myself out, I’m wondering if this shows that I connect suffering with being shown love? And therefore my self-sabotaging kinda makes sense?
Idk.
I have psychologist on Wednesday. I have so much to talk about, but it’s so hard. I don’t even know where to start, there’s just an overwhelming amount of stuff to talk about and it’s all important and interconnected. I’ve thought about writing it down but I’m scared of even doing just that. She’s nice. But almost all the stuff I’ve types in this post, have never talked to her about. So hard for me to trust people. It’s just hard to physically talk about this stuff and be vulnerable. Like I get anxious whenever someone is looking at my work with the potential for them to criticise me. I think I’m scared she’ll think I’m wrong and stupid and weird.
And just to make it worse, my apps are like 3 or 4 weeks apart. I feel like I need way more apps than that, but she’s busy. And that just puts more pressure on me to talk during the session, which makes me feel more anxious.
Thinking I might try ringing a helpline the day before to talk about trying to talk to her.
Ok sorry this was going to be a short reply but turned into a long vent and sharing theories about my weird brain that I’ve come up with. Is there a word limit for these posts? Cause if there is I’ll probably reach it one day lol. Anyway time to say goodnight (although it’s past midnight now) and to continue relying on my survival techniques of dissociating and distracting myself from the pain of being alive by listening to the Big Bang theory while I fall asleep.
Night everyone 💗
