TW: Sexual Assault; I don't feel comfortable? Should I feel comfortable with this?
So a while back in April I was dating this guy.
As most negative posts start out haha.
But he does care for me and stuff and always asks if anything is up. Helped me with my confidence and understanding boundaries funnily enough.
But yes, back in April, I went to his house for the first time to meet his parents, really nice parents and sisters, and I enjoyed the day. But then everyone in the house left for a bit and we cuddled on his bed. I was all OK with it and nothing was wrong. I enjoyed it if anything and fell asleep at least once.
But near the end of it I just felt uncomfortable. He made the joke of having condoms in his drawer and I laughed a very prominent "hell no" as I am asexual to which he said "aw I'm horny" followed by a "sorry for being weird". I accepted his apology and started playing a game on my phone (I struggle with having focus on me and play puzzle games when I feel uncomfortable, to make me feel calmer) while he hugged me and his legs were around my legs and (apologies it just sounds weird to type) started kinda making me feel uncomfortable and It has played in my head at least once a week every week since then.
I don't want to label it as sexual assault or something like that but it has really left a memory there.
I am really too much of a people pleaser to say anything about it since then or even stop it or say no at the time because I thought he didn't want me to notice or something since I said no before, about his joke, and he was not in the right mindset?
I really don't know who to tell or talk to because I find it insanely uncomfortable to talk about and it makes me remember it and I just don't feel ok. Because I don't want to view them in this negative light, and it's also my fault for saying "ah maybe" or "yeah" to everything. But he didn't really ask to do that which just made it odd.
We ended up breaking up the day after funnily enough hahaha, because we had a conversation about how my asexuality would not work for the long run and I respect his preferences as he has respected mine. We have stayed in contact still and still do have feelings for one another and he has been thinking for a while if he is ok to be with me even though sex would have a highly rare chance of happening. So I do feel validated around him and in the short 2 months we dated it was the best 2 months, excusing that 1 day.
But yeah. It felt off and its been playing over and over and over in my mind and having mild ASD I am really neutral to stuff like this usually. I just don't notice something bad until someone describes it and I piece things together. So I just really wanted to find some sort of ease I guess. I don't want to bring it up with him only for me to be just labelling things wrong. (Even though it would be wise to talk to him about it, as I said before it makes me really uncomfortable to talk about and I struggle to say the right words, so I guess I am more looking for confidence to say that this memory doesn't make me feel ok)
Thank you, apologies this is my first post and I am someone who is usually a really positive person and wouldn't resort to saying this stuff on a wellbeing site. 🙂
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