@fishyie @Iona-RO Thought I’d give an update as to where I am. I’ve done a bit of research over the past few years into asexuality. Not sure if demisexual quite fits me; I can’t really see myself being intimate with anyone. This scares me a bit, since I know it would make relationships harder, especially since I seem to only become interested in people sporadically. Almost makes me wish I could have had some kind of relationship now in high school, before that kind of physical intimacy becomes an expectation or requirement for a lot of people.
In this other relationship I mentioned we never kissed, which I wouldn’t have minded but I think it just didn’t feel right for me with him. In fact the most intimate we got was holding hands in a very chaste way (neither of us are very religious, that just feels like the best way to describe it! No fingers interlocking, just the most innocent way of holding hands possible. ).
Chatted a while ago to my mum (not specifically using labels, as I don’t feel like I’m ready to talk about that with her, or even really myself yet), who thinks it might be something to do with maturity? I’m fairly mature for my age and she thinks I would need someone who I can engage with intellectually. Because of moving countries and being introverted, I do feel like I can’t always talk with people fully. Even so, I don’t think it’s just that there’s no one I like. I get along pretty well with people but I just don’t seem to like anyone in that way. I’m worried if it’s a phase (that I’ve somehow convinced myself I could be ace when I’m not), or that saying it will mean having to accept or reckon with the fact that relationships will be much harder.
My mum’s always talking to my brother and I about “when you have kids”. I’m not even sure if I want to have kids, just as a personal preference and for these possible asexuality reasons (I know that’s not the only way to have kids, but it still affects my thoughts around it). My mum is lovely and very supportive, but this is the one thing I feel like I can’t properly talk to her about. I have tried before, as I talked about here: https://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Taking-care-of-myself/Uncomfortable-with-Sex/m-p/394915#M35719 I didn’t explicitly state asexuality, but she seemed kind of scared by what I was describing.
There are small things which make me question my sexuality too. My family and I watch movies together a lot. I of course feel uncomfortable when a more sexual scene ends up coming on when I’m sitting there with my parents, but I still feel uncomfortable watching these kinds of scenes when they’re not there.
I’ve not really talked much to many people about my sexuality. A classmate of mine who I’m pretty friendly with used to have this joke in Drama last year that I was the so-called “normal one” in the class. Many of the class were LBGBTQIA+ and struggled with mental illness, including this classmate, and were fairly open about these things, at least with each other or in that space. I never said anything, but she didn’t know that I had struggled with OCD and was questioning my sexuality in this way. I suppose my point in this is that, while I’ve always been an ally, I’ve never felt like I belonged or fitted in with that community. There’s definitely some animosity towards ace people as not being “truly” LBGBTQIA+.
I’m wondering if I should talk to a friend of my mine who I became close with through Drama last year. They finished high school last year so we don’t chat as frequently, but I still see them now and then. I know she identifies as ace, and it’d definitely be helpful and comforting to chat to someone who might feel similarly to me.
As for this guy and how I feel about him, I am flattered by how he might feel and do like him but, as it seems to be for nearly everyone who I could like, not in that way it seems.
