Hi @Perfluorohexane and welcome to the forums - we're so happy to have you here as part of the community.
I wanted to say I think you're so courageous for sharing your story and reaching out for support.
We're here to listen and to help in any way we can. 💛
I also wanted to mention that we decided to edit some details from your post in accordance with our community guidelines as we felt they might be distressing for some members of the community.
It sounds like that was a really scary, confronting and upsetting situation for you.
Would you like to talk about what happened in the lead up to the argument?
Has this type of thing happened before? If so, has there been anything you've found helpful in the past?
It seems like things might have escalated in the heat of the moment, but looking back you sound like you have a lot of awareness about it not being something you wanted or planned, or something that feels true to who you are as a person.
The first step in changing something you're not happy about is to recognise it and try to do something about it - you've done those things, which takes a lot.
I was wondering - do you have any support people you can reach out to? (eg. A counsellor or other professional)
There are a few services that may be able to offer support if that sounds like something that you'd be interested in - for example, Top Blokes Foundation runs mentoring programs, and Men's Referral Service or Kids Helpline offer counselling and referrals.
