Hi @Mango_Dove! Fellow lesbian here! Reading your thread has been like reading my own thoughts when I first started understanding and exploring my sexuality. I had that same feeling that maybe I just hadn't met the right guy, and I would try and convince myself that I was attracted to guys that were nice to me, but ultimately it just didn't feel quite right. With girls, things just feel easy and I don't have to think twice about my attraction to them - it's just there, plain and simple.
I also really relate to feeling like you're 'playing a part' - I am pretty feminine and straight-presenting, too, so most of my friends in school just assumed I was straight. It can be hard to experiment with people and work out how you really feel when you feel like everyone's eyes are on you and they hold the assumption that you're straight. I never got the chance to date or even kiss a girl before I ended up coming out because I was too scared of being 'caught out' or trying something with a girl and being wrong about my sexuality in front of everyone. The internet was a big game changer for me - even though I couldn't seek out other girls at school, I watched lots of queer media at home and this gave me the chance to explore what I was feeling in a way that was safe and private before jumping into the deep end in public. Are there any LGBTQIA+ shows or movies that you really resonate with? Carmilla and Rose and Rosie (both on Youtube) were my favourites back in the day when I was trying to navigate all of these feelings and gave me a bit of solace that yes, femme lesbians do exist, and it's okay to feel how I feel.
I'm really glad to hear that the QLife webchat was helpful for you, and that your best friend has been really supportive. Sometimes having that one person who accepts you for who you are can make all the difference ❤️
