Hi SmilingSun,
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. I really sympathize with you, because I've gone through something really similar in high school. Like you, deep down, I believed in myself, but I was in this toxic environment similar to you and led to feel that people were disgusted by me, which eventually I interpreted as people viewing my appearance as disgusting, because I also did not do anything that should offend them to this extent.
I hope I have gotten the main points of your post correctly. If so, I want to reassure you that not every environment is like this, and that there are genuinely good and fair people out there.
I have recovered a few years ago, and I want to suggest a few ideas that can hopefully help improve your wellbeing and situation. I think truly accepting the fact that some people will dislike you for no reason can really relieve the goal and pressure to be a people-pleaser. I completely understand how difficult it can be to change that mindset, because I was like that as well in the past. Nonetheless, I think having another important goal in your life can help you find other meaningful purposes in life, and developing friendships that are truly meaningful and uplifting can help make the task of pleasing everyone seem less appealing and important.
I am very glad that you have moved class into a less toxic environment, and that you are seeing people. How has that been for you? Is one of the people you are seeing a psychologist or a counselor? With how heavy you are feeling and how it is affecting your grades, it might be worth seeing one to take care of yourself. I'm glad you've reached out on this forum, and I'm hoping that this response has helped. 🙂
