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Meh (TW?)

Welp. I'm back again. It's been nearly 2 years since I was online last, but I have been thinking about coming back again for a little while. 


My official diagnosis for my chronic Illness is Functional Neurological Disorder, branching off into Dissociative Seizures, where I faint a heck ton, sometimes have seizures, as well as developing little "tic" episodes. I have been living with it for almost 6 years now, only diagnosed around 2 years ago.

I also have very strong AuDHD/ND tendencies, which I have recently noticed more and more when it comes to cleaning my room, how I try and sometimes fail at organising my school work. 

Get this:
It's my last year of school this year.


But the catch? Majority if not the whole of year 12 at my school, all hate me. For no valid reason. I can only think of my CI, and maybe even my neurodivergency. But They all accepted some of the more obviously ND kids in my grade? So here I am trying to finish year 12, thinking I had at least a few friends, but no. Apparently, before I even got to being alone, people were already warning other kids about me. Saying "She has issues, watch out". Fucking hell. I don't know what I did wrong, because I'm apparently weird, and no one wants to be with me. At this rate, I'm going to formal alone, and no one wants to be around me. Also, my best friend, decided I'm a toxic manipulative bitch. But what she's saying just sounds like she's recreating her trauma from her old school and making me the victim, therefore she is manipulating me and is toxic. She blocked me on everything except for one account, which she is still following me on, and I am following her on, but she has the audacity to copy my stories on Instagram, and even directly but indirectly, passive aggressively post on it, knowing full well I can see it, that she's removed toxic people from her life, and posting things about the traits of a toxic person/"friend" is. Little does she know, she's posting about herself. She just wanted a reason to say fuck you. She also used her ND and "mental health" issues as an excuse for reading into things too deeply, and all the shit she said. So yes, I'm glad she's decided to fuck off. But it still hurts, because it's always me. I'm trying hard, but nothing is working. and it had to happen in my last year of school, didn't it? *sigh*

So yeah, great start to the year.


but it's okay, I have big plans.
I'm going to donate my hair again, but with a different charity this time. My hair is so long at the moment, so it will be good. My formal hairstyle is complicated, but the day after formal, I will go back to school to chop it all off, as well as raising money for The Ponytail Project. I am super excited to do it 🙂

I am the unofficial "Arts" captain at school, because they took me off the ballot because I had an anxiety attack and couldn't get up and speak in front of everyone because of it. But because of this, I already do the work of a captain, so the Arts Coordinator has agreed to let me be the unofficial one. Which means I will be helping with organising our "artsfest" night/week, and organise events for it throughout the year. 

I will also be going on "tour" for the Instrumental Music Program, Which I earnt the money for the deposit for, through housesitting. We get to go to Sydney for it, which makes me very excited about, even though the teachers have said my mum has to come with me because of my condition. Fair enough, it's a little hard to manage looking after me and another 64 students when I'm unconscious. But at least I get to go, and my brother is helping me pay for it too. I will pay him back when someone finally hires me 🙂

That's the basic outline of what's happened so far, other than I tried and failed at a traineeship, but that was because of my anxiety and how the boss treated me. I'm glad I didn't keep going with it, I needed the spare at school that I got out of it that school let me keep.

I turn 18 soon, so that's also cool, I'm going to see Hamilton in February, and I have planned to have a culinary meal for my birthday dinner. Sushi, Fried Rice, Carrot Pakouras, and maybe a phillipino dish from one of my phillipino friends. 🙂

In saying all this, I look forward to finding my niche when I start studying. I'm so sick of being alone, especially because it's literally my cohort, at every single school, that is just shitty.

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