Hi @lemurien ,
Thank you for posting. It sounds incredibly hard to sit with the thoughts you have shared. It takes a lot of strength to be able to reflect on what is happening, not working, and what you want it to look like. We acknowledge that sitting with these thoughts alone can be so scary, and that's why we are grateful you have opened up and shared with the community.
We read of your struggles and that as much as you like things, you find it hard to get started. This is not uncommon, and sometimes, it's about finding what energises you and gives you the spark to get started. For some people with ADHD, they find it harder to function in the mornings, and prefer to work/study later in the morning. This does not mean you are 'defective'. We are not all the same peas in a pod - that would make life boring! Here's an article about learning to love ADHD that you might be interested in.
As much as I hear your current struggles, it is important to celebrate the things you are good at.
Also, have you ever spoken to a professional about what's happening for you? Maybe it's more than just ADHD? It'd be interesting to hear what they say.
