Hi, so I've been having this problem for as long as I can remember, when I was younger I assumed it was just because I was still a "kid" and wasn't ready for relationship shenanigans yet. but now I'm 18 and am starting to feel like somethings wrong. I've never been in a relationship before because every time I meet someone, or things start getting even the littlest bit romantic, I completely freak out and run away. I've never made it past a talking phase/ first date because when ever anything romance-ey or intimate happens like touches, or flirty talk or anything that makes me feel vulnerable/ exposed I start to panic and feel like I'm going to die. the only way I can describe it is like something similar to a panic attack, where I just cant cope, and then I have to make an excuse to leave, or just end up friend zoning them/ making it awkward, or flat out ignoring the romantic gestures and pretending everything is normal, or worst case scenario I freeze, not knowing what to do other than just wait it out till i can leave. the worst part is that I really want a relationship, and i know it sounds dramatic, but I don't want to be alone forever, and that's exactly what's going to happen if I cant get over this. whenever nothing romantic is going on in my life, or when there's no guys in the picture, I start to crave the emotional closeness, and lovey-dovey relationship stuff that I see all my friends being able to have. I want to be loved and I want to love someone else, but when ever I think I'm ready, the same thing happens. I just cant do it. I started to think that maybe I'm Asexual or some something similar, but I don't know enough about that stuff to know if I am or not. and even if I was, I don't want to be. Its honestly torture, I want something so badly, but I'm terrified of it, and i don't even know why, or what to do about it. 😓
