I've just about had it with my parents. My mum gets upset when people don't want to do what she wants to do. And she is one of those people that always wants to be doing something, while I really like just chilling out with my music, journalling or writing or scrolling Insta. So she complains that we're wasting our time. Like she doesn't see the value of rest.
And then she'll get angry when we don't do things. And I'll just be silent because I know she'll get even more upset if I talk. Even just saying what I want to do. I've learnt how to keep my emotions in check but sometimes, it's just retreat to my room or I'll lash out or cry.
And if I'm on my phone, she'll ask who I'm messaging. Doesn't it occur to her that I might not even be messaging anyone? And like I'd tell her anyway. The last time I told her, she thought I was getting too close to them and made so we couldn't talk anymore. Then when I say I'm not telling, she says I'm secretive. Like she would tell me if I asked her, not that I would.
And in the last month, I finally told her I was struggling with depression and anxiety. And that took all my courage to, because we don't talk about emotions. And then pretty much the next day, she said I was secretive again. It's like she only sees what I don't tell her, even when I've just told her so much. That hurt me so much I didn't want to talk to her more about it. But I had to anyway.
So often we will pull each other down with our words, sometimes partly out of self-defense. And I know that needs to be changed but I don't know how. And there is no way I'm talking to my family about this. We don't talk about emotions. And I don't want to start now.
And my dad. So often he is just so self-focused. And he'll say things about us to people which make us seem weird or bad, when he's the same. Like he said to someone that we didn't like seafood. He doesn't himself. Bad example, but it made us seem weird when he's the same.
Anyway, my parents seem to think the family revolves around them. Like we have to do what they want. And my dad sometimes asks our opinion. Like what do we want to eat, do, etc. then when we give it, even if we all say one thing, if he wants to do the other, he'll do it anyway. Like what was the point of asking of you weren't going to listen to what we wanted?
When I'm around them for too long, I will be emotionally exhausted. And I'll need to just go and calm down with my music.
Anyway, sorry for this long rant. Thanks for those who listen.
