Hiya @mhazard , having anxiety around intimacy is a very real (and hard) thing. It's really good that you are able to identify that this is an issue for you as it shows your self-awareness and a desire to overcome it. I experience quite a bit of anxiety and insecurity/issues with self-esteem, which has led to some issues with intimacy in my past relationship, so I totally get what you're going through.
Communicating with your partner is really, really important. You've said that this can be difficult because it can a bit overwhelming and lead to breakdowns, which I understand. Would it be possible to try communicating your anxiety around intimacy/sex over the phone/a text conversation? I found texting could be particularly useful in my past relationship as I could communicate my fears and anxiety over quite personal topics in my own safe space and it could take away some of the discomfort I personally experience around being perceived/judged.
In your communication, I think it could be beneficial to explicitly ask your partner if they could help you to develop your self-esteem through compliments and providing reassurance. Saying things such as 'I am feeling anxious about x, would it be possible if we ....' and brainstorm solutions (both individually and together) that could be helpful. For me, I had a lot of anxiety around the way my body looked so I found it comforting when my partner complimented my appearance. As scary as it was to communicate my insecurities, I felt so much relief after expressing this to my partner as I felt that they could understand me and why I do some things the way I do - instead of this being something I had to carry alone, my partner could help me carry the load. It can also be really tricky to accept compliments and reassurances, I would make a conscious effort to work on thanking my partner and allowing the compliment/reassurance to 'sink in', rather than automatically dismissing it or disagreeing with it. Does this make sense?
You mentioned that you feel insecure about being able to satisfy your partner and raised some expectations that porn can generate. These are common concerns that people have around sex/intimacy, and again, I believe communicating this with your partner is really important. Asking them questions about what they find enjoyable/pleasurable and having a discussion about porn could help remove some of your overthinking as it allows them to express what it is they are actually thinking. The personal nature of these topics can make it a bit scary, so it's important to do this in a safe, comfortable space (whether in-person or over the phone/text) and both of you establish some explicit confidentiality parameters for the conversation.
And, most importantly, if you're finding that sex is becoming too anxiety-inducing and stressful, or you're just not in the mood, or literally any other reason, it is absolutely okay to say 'no'. It is really important that your partner respects this - being in a relationship does not mean that you should or need to be intimate when you don't feel like it. Talking to your partner about your low mood and anxiety can help them to understand why you may have a lower sex drive at the moment - although you never need a reason for saying 'no' to intimacy/sex, letting your partner know about how you're feeling can help them to help you and provide reassurance for them too.
Ultimately, communication really is key. As difficult as it can be, relationships and intimacy really need ongoing honest conversations. I know from my personal experience that starting these conversations is the scariest, trickiest part, but afterwards, it would bring us closer together and help me feel more comfortable around my partner and with my own feelings/body. Communication gets easier over time with practice.
