My parents don't understand what I'm going through and how hard it is on me. I suffer severe anxiety and depression, and have a high-functioning ASD. I was already having a rough day struggling with emotions, particularly because I have an obsessive crush on my closest friend, and so I have conflicting emotions about that, and I'm really struggling with that. I took the courage to talk to my school counsellor today, and so I have been emotionally fragile for the rest of the day. I thought things were just improving when I got in the car with Mum, but then she started getting frustrated at me because she couldn't remember something I had told her at least three times already. She said that "this is the first I've heard of it!". I have very poor social skills, and struggle to pick up social cues, so I just went and stated that I had already told her multiple times, but she kept responding with "No you haven't!" before I could say anything else. I kept trying to tell her that I had told her before, and that she must have misunderstood what I meant. She just kept raising her voice and then suddenly shouted at me "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!! F**** F**** F****!!!!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!"
I can't stand swearing, so this caused me to burst into tears. She started yelling at me to stop trying to manipulate her and to stop trying to make her pity me. Then she kept lecturing me all the rest of the way home (about 20 minutes) about the fact she is so sick of me, and that I should stop lying. It was the truth.
When we got home, I went straight to my room to give myself some space and so she wouldn't see me cry any more, because I hate crying in front of people. I don't want them to pity me.
My bedroom is next to the kitchen, so I could her entire rant to Dad about how narcissistic and inconsiderate I am. The part that hurt the most is that she said all of this within my earshot. Then over dinner she had to bring the topic up again to make me feel worse.
She doesn't understand how much her words hurt me, because I internalize everything and as a perfectionist, I see it as yet another flaw I will never be good enough to overcome. She sees my mental illness as just my excuse to be badly behaved and slack off. It's not true!!! I can't help the fact that I focus on the negatives. I can't help the fact that regardless of how hard I try, I can't focus on the positives in every situation.
Everything she says hurts so much, and she doesn't quite understand how much of a dagger to the heart it is. It tears me apart! It takes me days to recover, and even then, I don't fully recover. She complains about the fact I seem to never want to be around her, but would prefer to spend time with my best friend's mum. I feel more comfortable around her than my own mother because she actually accepts me for who I am and tries to understand my internal battle. She also doesn't raise her voice or swear at me--or anyone for that matter.
I don't know what to do. I put so many expectations on myself that when someone points out my flaws it hurts all the more because I already think so little of myself. I don't know how to make my parents understand just how much I am hurting, and that I am telling the truth when I come to them about how I am hurting.
I am a Christian, so to make matters worse, I feel that I shouldn't be struggling with mental health because I should just be trusting in God. I don't know how to move on.
