Hi @tima,
I'm so sorry you've been going through that. It must be such a difficult time for you, especially since what's causing your pain is your mum. There's a saying that came to my mind while reading your post: "As a woman, I have so much empathy for my mother, but as a daughter I have so much anger."
TW: Trauma
I have also had a rocky relationship with my mum, where I grew up in a strict Asian household. My mum has an all or nothing way of thinking - when she gets mad, she gets REAL mad, to the point where I was constantly living in fear of the next time I'll stuff up because I was so afraid of her explosive reactions. When I first opened up to her about something traumatic that happened to me, she essentially blamed it on me and made a comment that seemed like she only cared about our family's image and how the event would taint it. Despite this, we still shared some lovely moments, similar to your situation. I love her so much, but boy does she cause me a lot of stress and anxiety.
It's perfectly normal to feel the way you do right now. Feeling angry at your mum especially with the way she treated you (it wasn't okay for her to yell at you through the phone and her making those hurtful messages about you), but at the same time feeling guilty for being mad at her. She's your mum; these feelings are going to be complex. If you were a person looking in from the outside, you'd also be shocked at the way you're being treated by her, but as her daughter, of course you still love her.
Have you tried having an open conversation with her, and expressed all the ways she has hurt you? It can be a potential wake up call for her to change her ways, especially since she is causing pain to her own child.
And in no way are you a bad daughter for wanting to move out. You seem like an amazing daughter, trying to navigate this rocky relationship with her mum, experiencing life for the first time, and simply doing the best you could as a young person. I know it may feel wrong to move out, but if your gut is telling you that you both need space, you should listen to it. And perhaps you will both have the space to grow as individuals 🙂
I hope you're okay and I wish you all the best. You are not alone. 💗
