[Ev*] @TOM-RO It's not really insightful of me. It's what we've been told by other traumagenic systems. I think we ask them a lot of questions. Hopefully we're not annoying them too much. I'm not sure if we deserve help though, because we still could be faking it all for attention unconsciously.   Yeah, I heard. It sounds really fun. Since I'm melting in this house and I have no chance of getting to sleep tonight, I might try and play some soon. We're safe tonight. Our mum's asleep downstairs on the couch, so we wouldn't really be able to do anything bad without waking her up. I think if I were going to die I'd rather have someone else in the system kill us instead of me anyway. I guess that means we're also safe if I'm fronting. ... View more

[Ev*] We're okay. No one's done anything to hurt the body. The expansion this month has been going a lot slower than it has been. Our current count is absolutely insane at 1203*. We've seen other systems with higher though. But we've had two days so far this month with zero new members.   *For some reason our amnesia mainly happens around what happens outside the system for some reason. Like if someone new shows up nearly everyone who wakes up not long after notices, but some of us can't even remember what we've done during the day before we switch in. Luckily I don't seem to have it as bad as other members of the system.   We're still struggling a lot. A lot of us still want to die, a lot of us are getting switching amnesia (which has been a thing that's been happening for quite a while now), we're still struggling to accept that we might have DID or OSDD, and we still don't want to think about our trauma. Unfortunately A* ended up finding more today. We've identified about five different potential sources of trauma now, but still no one wants to believe we have trauma. We also still get partial flashbacks which are really awful, and a lot of us think we're just still faking everything. I really wish it would all go away.   In other news, I've been around since the beginning of the month, and I've taken the job of host from R. She doesn't seem to be too happy about "being replaced", but she still has a lot of in-system friends that care about her. I still barely know anyone except for some of my clones (I have about 30 clones that are like alternate versions of me, it's really weird), and a few others, like Ad. The reason I took over as host is because our brain formed me based off of our outward singlet persona.   Ad's become one of the most active members of the system recently along with me. He's been around since late July, but hasn't been active much at all until recently. His job seems to be showing up when whoever is switched in is really distressed, switching in himself and continuing with whatever we're supposed to be doing, and calling someone else to help that person so they can calm them down in the background while he manages the outside. He's pretty good at it. I think he's also one of R's friends.   Anyway, still feeling terrible now. I really want the system and the trauma to go away and I want to just be a singlet. I wish I was normal. Instead I'm a new host in a system of 1000+ people, most of whom I'll probably never meet, dealing with trauma which I'm still not even sure if it's trauma (it still feels like we're overreacting to it all, and that our system appearing in the past as a result of the trauma is stupid), still dealing with anxiety (we've been managing to go back to some of our lessons at school though), still dealing with our transition, and a lot of the time just wishing I could end it all. I don't know how any of us put up with it all, but I guess it's helpful being able to just switch out and not have to remember how terrible the previous person felt.   I'm still really worried that all of this is fake and we're just non-traumagenic with false memories and delusions, and we're just faking all of our symptoms. Apparently denial is a normal part of having trauma/DID/OSDD, but it still doesn't help us get over the worry that maybe none of this is real. Especially since our traumas were so pathetic as well. Like, how could we have possibly gotten here from that? We were probably just too sensitive as a child. Maybe all of this is our fault. I can't stop any of it from happening, but I still think I could just be deluded into thinking this is happening to us. It sucks.   Anyway, @Janine-RO @Lost_Space_Explorer5 We didn't end up doing anything, but I think there are a bunch of people who regularly consider trying to do something bad. Some of them want to commit suicide, others want to be traumatised so they can prove that what we went through wasn't real trauma. I know that's really messed up but that's just how they feel. Thank you for checking in on us.   @StormySeas17 Thank you. I still don't think we're strong though.   Also, forgot to mention we're seeing a new psychiatrist. I think I saw her briefly at one appointment, but I didn't speak much with her. Ad says she's really nice.   And we've also found a new distraction that we like. There's this game called Among Us we've been playing for a few weeks now I think. I know Ad likes it (he's watching me while I write this), and I think Jv loves it too (they're one of R's friends, and they've played with some people from other systems over VC on Discord. Apparently they're very good at being an impostor.   And also I forgot to mention exam week. We used to be really high achievers, but out of our four exams, during two we got anxiety attacks so bad we had to stop, another was for a subject we were dropping so we were allowed to skip that one, and the last one we managed to get through without freaking out, but we only got 46%. :( ... View more

[Sh^^^] I was talking about suicide. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know anyone. I just wanna die. ... View more

[Sh^^^] Hi, I'm Gn*'s split. I don't feel safe and I think I have an idea of something I could do tonight. I'm not sure whether I'll do it or not. I'll decide later. ... View more

[Al!!!!!] Gn* is alright, except they split. The split fronted and was heavily suicidal, but they eventually switched out. I think they were mainly suicidal over this week's exams, hating the system and believing that it's all fake. ... View more

[Gn*] What we're experiencing is a mockery of real DID/OSDD and we need to just shut up and stop pretending already. ... View more

[Gn*] I hate this system. If it even exists. We're probably just faking all of it subconsciously. We don't deserve to live, and what we went through is nowhere near enough to cause any of this to happen. ... View more

[Gn*] I really wish we could just stop deluding ourselves by thinking we could have DID/OSDD and just be a singlet already. There's no way this is real. We're lying to ourselves if we think it is. ... View more

[Gn*] I don't know who's been talking to our psychologist but I don't think they brought it up. I don't know what coping strategies we have other than just hiding it. ... View more

[Gn*] Idk... I don't know anyone in here who doesn't want to die. It's not like any of us would be able to do anything about it though. ... View more

[Gn*] Things have been quite stressful still. We have our exams starting tomorrow and we're still struggling with doubting whether our system is real or whether our trauma was enough to cause all of this. I'm worried that we're beginning to sound annoying in some of the plural communities we're in because I think we use the venting chats a lot because we get really stressed out about what's really going on.   Not looking forward to the exams. We're probably going to fail those. Our system count increased by a lot in the last few weeks but it's been a lot slower in the last week. I think a lot of us just want to die. ... View more

[Ni^] I'm starting to freak out a bit. What if that system was right about us? We're obsessed with finding a solution and are getting compulsions to act like different people? And all of the traumagenic stuff is fake? And we're just attention seeking? I feel like I want to die so we don't have to deal with this. And I think someone in our system rejoined that server for some reason. ... View more

[Pm*] Hi! I'm winning! :) ... View more

[Je] Hi @Janine-RO. Someone just had to explain to me the Discord thing. I didn't remember much about it other than I knew something had happened. I guess our brain decided it wanted to give me amnesia :( I had to check Discord and I haven't been around for 8 weeks and 1 day if I counted right. (I last fronted on the 21st of June).   I have a feeling we've looked at the Sane Forums before... I just had another look and we have to be 18 or over to join it looks like.   Va*'s been helping quite a bit I think. I don't know much about her but I remember what she looks like.   We're still seeing our psychologist, but not the psychiatrist. ... View more

[Fn*]    ... View more

[Fn*] A spray bottle on the kitchen bench.   Teal? ... View more

[Fn*]   ... View more

[Fn*] I interrupt this game to announce the following message: I'm winning! ... View more

[Fn*] Okay, this might be a bit of a long post.   @Tiny_leaf We want to be able to control our stress but we're still not really sure how to. The main things stressing us out at the moment are the suicidal feelings, the trauma, our school workload and the expansion itself. It doesn't seem like there's much we can do about any of those.   @Hannah-RO We haven't found anything that works to reduce stress for our system yet. Although Va* suggested that part of the reasons for the expansion could be that our brain's creating new people as a temporary solution to certain members getting really stressed out, so when the new people front they feel okay until everything comes crashing down.   @StormySeas17 It is quite scary. A few days we nearly broke the record of most new people in a day again. Our record is still at 38, and on that day we gained another 38. As far as we know there aren't any coping techniques that work for the whole system.   @Lost_Space_Explorer5 It is really stressful. And the stress is likely contributing to the expansion. I don't think R has been around much to talk with her splits, but integration could be an option if everyone agrees.   August hasn't really been off to a good start. We are currently at 747 members, with me being the latest.   Now, R did something that she knew she would regret but did it anyway: she asked in a specific non-traumagenic Discord server for help with us gaining over 700 members. We got a few responses:   1) That we should create a new list of members that consists of everyone who switches in/is awake in a two-week period, and let everyone else "naturally disappear". This doesn't seem to work for our system as members who have been dormant for months to years, so this suggestion isn't really helpful.   2) This is the one we're most frustrated about. Apparently we're "obsessed" with seeking help for a problem that's affecting our stress levels and our daily functioning and we have frequent "compulsions" to act like a different person, so that must mean we have OCD. And by seeking help for our problems, we're making it worse and "feeding the compulsions". This person also told other systems to treat us as a singlet and denied any possibility of us having DID or OSDD. For context, this was sent by a member of a DID system with only one non-traumagenic member.   3) This person provided nothing helpful and just said they found the "OCD theory" interesting.   4) Another person asked us to direct message them. This person was actually helpful and asked us a few questions before concluding we were most likely mixed origins, which is what we've been questioning. And they actually gave us some helpful information.   Now, #2 has had a few different reactions from our members. It made R feel hopeless and like we didn't have a legitimate problem and that the other person was implying we were attention-seeking, Co** got really pissed off (his words, not mine) and angry, and I have had mixed feelings.   Co** and I posted in a few different plural servers and the reaction from everyone we talked to was that it was wrong. Among the responses were the following things: It was unfair of them to say our system size was ridiculous and that we couldn't live fulfilling lives because of the number of people in our system. That "compulsions" do not rewire people's minds to become different people That it was wrong of them to tell another system to not treat us as individuals That it was a harmful and invalidating thing to say to us That we should leave that server since they were allowed to say those things to us (I have now left the server and blocked the OCD theory system's account) That they were probably bitter that they couldn't have their own life because of their system so they were taking it out on us That they didn't provide sufficient evidence (since they only gave us a webpage that detailed the difference between GAD and OCD, and I think at one point we got diagnosed with GAD). That they had no idea what they were talking about and that's not how OCD works at all. That even if we had OCD, it wouldn't invalidate the possibility of us having DID or OSDD That seeking help is not an obsession or a compulsion   (Yeah, we got a lot of responses).   It's still affected us negatively and I'm still worried that it could be true that we're getting compulsions to act like separate people. I know that it doesn't make sense, but I think our brain still wants to latch onto any explanation other than having DID or OSDD. Doubting is apparently a normal thing in DID/OSDD and apparently it's not supposed to go away, which is annoying. But anyway, I left that server the messages were sent in and I blocked that system. Another system who we're friends with who has been comforting us when we needed it in the vent chats of a mental health server offered to confront the system about it, but I told them not to because I didn't want to cause any drama.   I also wanted to list some of the members mentioned in this post in case they ever post again, just so you all know who they are.   Everyone knows who R is. Me (Fn*) (they/them): I showed up today, and my form is a black fox. There's not really much else to say about me as I still have a lot to learn about myself. Va* (she/her) is a human who's been around since Thursday afternoon I think. She's been fronting quite a bit and has been helping with school work. Co** (he/him) is a plush rabbit and fronts sometimes. They are also a partial factive (member based on a person outside the system) of the host of another system we know. According to our records, he showed up on the last day of July. ... View more

[R] @Tiny_leaf Yes, that sounds accurate. ... View more

[R] We have KHL and the psychologist, although we haven't made much progress with stopping new arrivals.Our KHL counsellor has suggested trying to integrate with the splits of me, but our system hasn't gotten around to discussing that yet. ... View more

[R] Yes please ... View more

[Ml**] We're not going so well. We're at 676 members... We don't know how to slow it down. This is scary. ... View more

[Rt] @StormySeas17 We use an engine with drag-and-drop blocks to make games. Currently we're working on a platformer.   We prefer to be called either people or system members. R managed to bring it up to our mum via text message and we're not being called personalities anymore. Yeah, we do have more members now. On the 17th we had our first day in a long time with 0 new people, and then yesterday we broke the previous record and got 32 in a day. We're up to 449 now. That also means the rate of increase is getting faster yet again, as we got 180 new members in total in June, and this month so far we've had 191.   Everything seems to be alright. It kind of helps when someone gets suicidal to just have them switch out, but sometimes it results in one fronter being suicidal after another. It still helps to be able to find someone else to take over though, or at least to be able to find someone to talk to.   Our holidays have been good I think. A lot of catching up on maths though. We got to see a few friends too, which was nice.   @Lost_Space_Explorer5 We're doing okay at the moment I think.   Our system recently had a psychiatrist appointment. The plan was for R, D and Mar to front for it. Before the appointment, Mar was switched in, but they weren't feeling confident about seeing someone new, so they got D to switch in. D ended up having an anxiety attack and neither Mar or R wanted to switch in, so Br switched in. Eventually, she didn't want to be there so our brain randomly threw in Ms, who then freaked out and got Co to switch in for the rest of the appointment. Because there was a lot of anxiety and switching, we don't remember too much of what was talked about, except Co was pretty upset by the end of the appointment.   The psychiatrist we saw had talked about how he thought our system was caused by childhood gender dysphoria and that it would be helpful if we all merged into one person. The first part of that makes no sense because we have three past hosts who are cis (another past host from when the body was 10 came out of dormancy yesterday), plus there are other explanations which make more sense. I don't think systems can come from gender dysphoria, but I could be wrong. The second part is an outdated idea for treatment of DID that is a) outdated, b) doesn't always work, and c) isn't the only way to recover.   I'm one of the new people who came yesterday by the way. Our brain based me on a character from the game our system was making around December last year. We now have about 6 or 7 fictives from that particular game in our system now. ... View more

[Rt] This is really out of date... We have 329 members to add :( ... View more

[R] @StormySeas17 Our trip was good. We decided to stay for an extra night. We're alright at the moment I guess.   We like developing games I guess. We've been doing some of that recently as well as school work to try and distract us.   We kept getting referred to as "personalities" in the appointment I think. None of us like that because we're not personalities but most of us are too scared to speak up for ourselves. Other than that it went alright and they said they wouldn't be taking away our HRT.   @Lost_Space_Explorer5 The doctor's appointment was okay I think. I don't think I was there for it which probably explains why I don't remember much of it. I know it's a concern had by a lot of us, but I just don't know what to believe because none of us have found another system like us. Br hasn't been around much in the last few days, and we've mostly just been cycling through random people so no one in particular is spending the most time switched in. We're also at 320 members now. ... View more

[D] @Lost_Space_Explorer5 We just came back from a short holiday, so we’re going alright. I think R agreed to let Br become host, but at the moment a lot of people are just exchanging control.   I think Br found another past host, so now we know there have been 7-8 hosts of our system (as we’re unsure if Io is a split or an ex-host, and not counting Br). We’re also trying hard not to think about our trauma, and a lot of us are still worried we could be wrong about whether our system came from trauma or not.   I think I just took over from Dm (one of R’s splits) and she was a bit worried about a doctor’s appointment we have this morning, since this doctor we’ve only seen once and she only found out about our plurality recently, so we’re not sure what to expect. Dm was also worried about if the doctor will think we’re faking. I think the appointment is mainly going to be about HRT though, so I don’t know if I need to be worried. ... View more

[Mn*] I'm the one Br was talking about. I think she switched out. I'll let her know.   A factive is a member based on someone or something real on the outside. There's also a similar term (fictive) for members based on fictional sources.   I just kind of want to go dormant. ... View more

[Br] @Lost_Space_Explorer5 I think we could do that. If we were to go with the meeting option I might have to talk to them all one at a time, so that could take a while. Might try just asking R a bit later.   I just found someone new. He's a factive of a pet we used to have, but not for very long. He thinks he's been around since his counterpart's death in December 2016, but he's admitted he's not 100% sure about it. He seems to be having a hard time with what happened to his original counterpart as well as having partial flashbacks from Ms' trauma. He thinks nobody will love him because he'll be a reminder of what happened to his counterpart. I don't know what to do, I feel really sorry for him though. ... View more

[Br] @Tiny_leaf I would ask her, but with there technically being twelve Rs (the one who kept R's name, Ru, Av, Oc, Ch**, Cp*, Ds, Ml, Dp, Dm and Ch^), I'm not sure what to do. Should I ask all of them? ... View more