[R] Walk ... View more

[D] A dog bed on the couch in the living room.   Orange ... View more

[D] Does periwinkle count? It’s sort of purple-y.   Name a soft drink brand. ... View more

[D] Tall ... View more

[D] Hi @Bre-RO. R decided not to come out to the friend who was coming over on Saturday, so she still doesn’t know yet. We also do have someone to talk to about switching, but it can be hard sometimes because this person is dealing with their own gender dysphoria and depression (and same goes for the only other person in their system). As for family, the first LGBTIQA+ person in the family we aren’t close to and R hasn’t seen him since he arrived at our house uninvited in February. Our cousin we are a bit closer to, though.   The reason I’m awake now is because R woke up at 4am, and was chatting to A for a bit, but then because of something I told her (R) a few days ago, she woke me up to ask me something, and I ended up sticking around for a bit.   Out of a system of now eight people, I’m supposed to be the only male one. For a while I’ve been wondering (and so have a few others here) why I feel like I’m male but want to have a female appearance. The theory we had was that our dysphoria is a brain-thing (as in, it affects all members regardless of gender; unlike a lot of other systems we’ve seen with members of more than one gender).   Anyway, on Sunday night, R was chatting to the person I mentioned earlier who we talk to about switching, but I woke up and kept trying to get her attention. I told her I wasn’t sure if I was male, and that I feel like I could be female, but I’m not sure. R told me she’d love me no matter what my gender was and sent me a mental hug. She told the person she was chatting to, and they replied and said that at least we probably won’t have a reason to doubt we’re trans now.   The reason R woke me up was to ask me about pronouns. She can tell I’m not comfortable with male pronouns, but I don’t think I feel comfortable with female pronouns at the moment either. We’ve settled for “they/them” for now.   Other than that, a bit of bad news. Yesterday R spent nearly all day trying to fight off dysphoria, and she didn’t realise until an hour or two prior that she had an appointment with our psychologist (the one who isn’t trans-specialised). Not only did she find it hard to speak (as per usual), but she had her first panic attack in about 3 years. For most of the appointment, she just sat there with her face away from our mum (who she’d let into the appointment with her) and the psychologist, and cried a bit, and then hyperventilated for about ten minutes I think. R got to what I worry is now a new high for feeling suicidal, but after the attack she managed to settle down and contact Headspace.   Almost forgot, one of the family friends who was told about us being trans has a trans woman for a cousin, so maybe one time we could meet her. I think R would like that.   I’m not sure if I should keep going with the switching updates here, but there’s been almost no switching in the past few days. J went on a walk with our dad and got bored, and I unintentionally switched in while writing this post, but that’s it.   I’m going to need a bit of time to figure out who I am, but I’d like to be referred to as “they” in the meantime, please. ... View more

[R] @Bre-RO Thank you :) I’m a little bit nervous about telling my friends, but I know that for one in particular our mum is letting her mum know before I say anything. Or, alternatively, there is the option of letting our friend’s mum tell her. I’m not sure at the moment.   I didn’t contact Kids Helpline that day, but I did end up contacting our counsellor yesterday night, mainly about whether or not to go back in the girls’ uniform, but we touched on some switching stuff too. Today was a little miserable though.   Two main things I want to get through: one is about switching, and the other is about someone I mentioned in my last post. I’ll quickly go through the latter point since it won’t take much to write, but one of the people I mentioned started texting me today sending me nice messages, and then came out to me as gay. Counting our system as one, now I know there are at least 3 LGBTQ+ people in the family (or 10 if you count us individually). The reason I won’t say which is in case he might see this one day.   Anyway, yesterday I switched with A* in the morning for school, who then switched to J, who then switched back to me. All of this happened in the first hour and a half maybe of the school day.   Anyway, I don’t think I said much about C from when she was originally around, but since it was just us two and neither of us had any clue about plurality or what she was at the time, she thought she was a ghost. She still kinda feels like that now I think, but as more of a mental form rather than believing that’s what she actually is. The reason I’m saying this is because A* went under C’s identity for a few weeks, and alongside having some mild gender dysphoria when switched in, she also felt weird about being in a body. Interesting to see how A* still identifies with C’s old memories. After that, J switched in briefly, but she was pretty tired so she just handed control back to me not long after.   As for today, T stuck around for about an hour. I think I remember she may have briefly chatted with C, or maybe A while she was switched in. Anyway, T had a weird experience where she kept feeling like she was going back and forth between thinking like me and thinking like her, and when she spoke from our body she didn’t feel like she was the one talking, and that it was me instead. Although she did have to call for me before I could talk to her, and considering it takes a while to try and keep the switch stable, I doubt I would’ve even been able to take over that easily only for T to realise and prevent it. Plus, I don’t see how T could’ve done that if she wasn’t awake. She probably was too focused on the work.   The whole thing about someone switching in doubting themselves and feeling like me (whereas I semi-feel like it’s me if they come and ask me, and then feel like it wasn’t me when I wasn’t consciously thinking), isn’t new. It’s something we need to figure out how to reduce, but this is probably because we’re still not too experienced.   These last two days have given me a bit more insight into the dysphoria levels of T and A*, and I think that despite A*’s worry that she might get suicidal from the dysphoria, I think that it’s working to reduce my individual dysphoria, which is good I guess.   Also, I’ve been thinking about maybe letting someone else have a go at writing these posts, or talking to KHL instead of me. Our counsellor has talked to me every session except one (where D spoke online while I watched), and I think I might be the only person who’s written anything in this thread. Only reason I’m still doing it now is because it’s late and I’m tired, and I presume so will anyone I try and wake up. ... View more

[R] School itself, yes. Dysphoria or workload stress from school, no.   [D] I’ve switched in twice at school. In my limited experience, yes.   Do you like snakes? ... View more

[R] A lot of updates to write. I went out in female dress last Wednesday for the first time in public and I loved it. I even found that easier than wearing school uniform. We also don’t have to wear the male uniform again, except for on the end-of-year presentation day we have to go to because I got an award (one of the teachers accidentally let this slip). Anyway, I’m wearing sports uniform in the meantime.   What else? Oh yeah, our aunty, two close family friends and our grandfather’s girlfriend have been told I’m trans by our mum. Our Aunty also has two sons, one of whom has a trans friend (FtM). Apparently he (our cousin) cried when he was told about us because he doesn’t want us to have to deal with all of that pain from the dysphoria.   We have the option of going back next year in the girls’ uniform, or just wearing sports uniform. My dysphoria’s still just as bad in sports uniform, but I’d rather wear that than the other one. We still haven’t made a decision on that.   Also, I’m planning on telling a few friends who will be coming over to our house this Saturday. Hopefully it won’t be too difficult.   Sorry @Bre-RO, can’t remember much of what KHL said all that time ago, but we’ve been switching less. I’ve been thinking about perhaps keeping track of who’s switched in every so often, so that if we do start doing it more frequently (mainly during the holidays), hopefully we can give everyone time in a ratio we’re happy with. Speaking of which, you know how I said ”C” acted differently to how she used to? About that... I figured out yesterday something I found a little strange. Apparently this sort of thing is common among systems, but I had no idea this was a thing that happened a lot.   ”C” sometimes swapped between having two mental voices, one that seemed like her old self and one that seemed new (which she used predominately). However, I theorised that she was actually two people, the old C and someone new (“C” will refer to both of them).   The two then were a bit surprised when they noticed that this was actually what had happened. So, now we have C (the one who was around all that time ago who we intentionally tried to bring back, and A* (the “new” person). I’m using an asterisk beside her letter to differentiate her from A, and the reason I say she’s new in quotations is because there was a thought-presencey thing that appeared every so often since November last year that we largely ignored.   Since “C”‘s addition, that presence disappeared for the first time, which we now think became A*. She wasn’t the first to have this feeling of presence before joining, as J also had this trait for a while.   Tl;dr for the above three paragraphs, there are now eight of us, (me, A, D, J, S, T, C and A*).   Despite how we’re moving forward and how we’re very likely to start HRT next year, I’m still feeling as terrible as before on a normal basis. I missed school today because of dysphoria, but I would’ve been late anyway because of one of my many appointments. I have a habit of being afraid to speak up about my distress until getting to school, so our mum got angry at me and said a whole load of things about slight mistakes I made that made me feel even worse and threatened to take me straight to hospital if I didn’t immediately tell her how likely it was that I would commit suicide. She cried a bit when she thought about me having high intent, and then remained silent for the rest of the car trip home, and then continued for a bit to make me feel worse before apologising after I spent about an hour cleaning our room.   I know that she might be the one on the wrong, but I feel like I’m really guilty and should be apologising to her. The whole thing kind of triggered my self-hatred before, and as I’ve had pointed out to me by my fellow system members time and time again, I’m too much of a perfectionist and I usually hate myself more if I make mistakes. Although that still doesn’t change the way I feel about myself. Still hate myself, but at least I have seven other minds who share this brain with me who do love me. Funny how I can find it easy to love them for who they are, flaws and all, but hard to love myself.   So, A* has seemed to express little dysphoria so far (both she and C are female), and has expressed wanting to switch in, so maybe we need to do that tomorrow so someone can actually go in my place. I guess one advantage of having a larger system than most others we’ve talked to is having a bit more flexibility with who could switch in at any particular time. We don’t want it to be too crowded in this head though.   Also, I forgot a KHL appointment on Thursday and still need to reorganise a new one, so I haven’t talked to them since last Sunday I think. ... View more

[R] Hi @TOM-RO. Yeah, if things get a bit too difficult we might step off for a bit when needed. Haven’t seen much of C today, but D switched in for a bit at school and A considered it, but didn’t end up doing it. We all love C and I don’t mind if she’s different to how she was years ago, as long as she’s happy (I’m certainly quite different after she was last here).   My online Headspace appointments have been ended, so it’ll just be like it was before, where I can go on when I feel like it to chat, and it will be with whoever picks up first on their end.   Thanks :) Also have an appointment with the other psychologist after that (day of appointments). I wouldn’t have attended school anyway, but since our school is in bush land and there is a catastrophic fire danger for the area, the school has closed anyway. Luckily we live in a more urbanised area so we’re not at such risk.   Anyway, not much else important happened today. Other than I talked to KHL again tonight, mainly focusing on our switching as a potential tactic to help with negative emotions. Problem is that I’m usually quite focused on what’s happening (e.g. feeling dysphoric), so I don’t leave a lot of room mentally for anyone else to stay up for very long. That also might make it harder for me to switch out, but we’re working on it. ... View more

[R] Sorry, took a break from the forums, because a lot has happened, good and bad.   So, had a week of work experience last week, which was tiring. It’s probably be best not to go over what I was doing because I’m still afraid of someone figuring out who we are (as unlikely as that may be).   Anyway, C is now part of our system. I can’t remember if I talked about her much, but now there are seven of us. She’s been settling in pretty well, but she’s been acting differently than I remember. She knows this and she’s okay with being different than how she used to. We’ll still love her regardless.   Also, for about the past week or two I’ve been sleeping downstairs on the couch because one of our parents can’t stand the air con. I’ll explain why this is relevant later.   On Tuesday I had accidentally booked both Headspace and Kids Helpline at the exact same time, but I was able to send in an email to Kids Helpline and get a reschedule. Our Headspace counsellor has ended our regular appointments.   I talked to KHL on Thursday night, and our counsellor was worried about me being unsure if I could stay safe (don’t worry, nothing happened to anyone in the end). He asked to phone me, which made our mum suspicious. She figured out that I was at high risk of doing something bad, so now she has been turning on the house alarm downstairs to try and stop me from getting up at night. Problem with this is that I can pretty easily get past the alarm sensors, as long as I don’t move too quickly.   Last few days have been better. A was able to switch in yesterday morning and keep in control until 2 in the afternoon before I took back control. Since she still feels like I am there and it kind of feels like I was too (despite me not thinking at all), we both had concerns and got advice from another system, so hopefully we’ll be okay with that. I’m thinking that, depending on how bad I get, it might be important to get everyone who’s interested switching often to minimise any risk of me taking action on anything.   Also, seeing a new psychologist on Tuesday who specialises in transgender issues for a two-hour appointment. This means I’ll be missing school... again.   @TOM-RO I won’t get another chance to do any of the exams I missed, but I’d rather not have to do them anyway. Sleep has been getting better, but it’s probably not enough (unless I’m sleeping in). ... View more

[R] Thanks @Bre-RO. Exams are behind us now, but it’s not been a great week.   I only ended up doing two exams. The other two I was meant to do I didn’t end up doing. There was one I was supposed to do on Wednesday and one yesterday.   Tuesday night I wasn’t feeling great, and the next morning I was still feeling really bad. This exam had an essay component I was supposed to get feedback on, but our teacher only got it to us in the evening before the exam, so that had me a bit worried too. Unfortunately this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened regarding an assessment with this teacher this year.   So, didn’t go on Wednesday. Wednesday night I had a lot of trouble going to sleep. It was a hot night, and our dad gets cold easily from the air conditioning (even after five minutes of it being turned on). Hence, we’re not allowed to have it turned on at night. I set up two tower fans in our room, but they weren’t enough to get me to sleep. Until nearly 2am, I was feeling even worse than the night before, but settled down after that. Still couldn’t sleep though, and I wouldn’t sleep until after 6 in the morning. I said I didn’t feel like I could do the exam, and our mum let me sleep until 2 in the afternoon. That had her worried, because the subject this exam was for is my favourite and I usually come top of the class on it, and this isn’t something I would normally want to miss.   After Halloween I was doing better though. Managed to get to sleep until a little after midnight, and got up at 12 this afternoon. For the rest of the day I played tennis with our dad and had a go with his tennis ball machine, came home for a swim, had a shower, went for a massage, and then I’ve been tired for most of the day and I’ve mostly just lazed around.   We’ve been thinking about C for a bit. We still haven’t even checked to see if she exists, but after I had a talk with someone from another system, I’m wondering whether this would actually be C or it might be someone else given C’s identity.   The way I see it, C has been in “dormancy”, if I can call it that, for nearly three years (earliest record I found where I wrote something mentioning her by name was in late January 2017), but I don’t think it was by choice. She’s not the first person to go into long-term inactivity like this, since T did for a few months by choice from about December to around February this year. She ended up coming back for whatever reason (I can’t remember), and after another two months we officially counted her as a member of our system (as we weren’t sure if she was another person or not before that).   I feel bad because what if I have “killed” C without knowing what she was or meaning to? This sort of thing is a bit murky ethically because we don’t feel great about locking someone who was already there out, but we don’t want it to negatively affect the quality of life of anyone else. Granted, if C was added to our system, ours wouldn’t be half the size of others we’ve talked to (two largest we’ve talked to have 17 members each), but still this isn’t a decision any of us would want to take lightly.   Anyway, good news is exams are over and I’m not feeling too bad, and everyone else is on a scale between great to alright, but bad news is we don’t know what to do, and we might have to ask other systems their opinion on the matter.   Not really sure if it’s any use saying any of the stuff related to C here, but it does kinda bother me that that’s what I might have done to someone unintentionally. I mean, this is apparently a fairly common thing that happens with systems like ours apparently, but I don’t know what’s really the best option for everyone. ... View more

[R] Roll or Poll ... View more

[R] Hey @Bre-RO. There has been quite a bit. Just to clarify, we’re not seeking a diagnosis, as none of us think that would be useful and neither does anyone else as far as I’m aware. I’m just unsure about where I/we am/are on the spectrum, and if that factors into anything.   Currently we don’t have a bedtime routine. Mostly I just play games or watch TV until I’m supposed to sleep, and then I usually go to bed and either sleep, talk online, or let someone else switch in and talk online. Probably not the most healthy thing for us to do tbh.   At least I got some more sleep today. T and I hung out for a bit and then I ended up falling asleep for a while this afternoon, probably for about two hours I think.   Hopefully I’ll be able to manage the exam stress. Luckily I only have three more to do. ... View more

[R] Lolly ... View more

[R] There’s a pen at our desk and a shirt on our bed. I think the shirt may closest.   Yellow? ... View more

[R] Holy ... View more

[R] @Tiny_leaf Sorry I didn’t reply for a while, I’ve been really tired the last few days.   Thank you for those points. I’m not sure where I am with that though. I could have Asperger’s and I can identify some traits in some of my other system members, so that could be an indication that I could be too. Idk at this point.   I didn’t realise that autistic masking was a thing. Maybe if I do have Asperger’s that could be part of the whole facading thing for me, but I can’t tell.   I haven’t had much luck so far in finding a nb autistic person’s perspective. I’ll have to keep looking.   On another note, a few things happened in the last few days. For one, my first exam is tomorrow. J also had a birthday in the last few days (and next up is T in December).   I also realised the other day that something weird that happened in early 2017 might have actually been plurality, with someone other than our current group of six, involving one other person (who I’ll call C). She was around for a little bit, but early on in 2017 we stopped talking and she just kinda disappeared.   I originally estimated that she was around in late 2016 but I found a few notes I’d written the other day that say she was around in February 2017, but don’t mention much about her.   I’ve been conflicted over whether or not she still exists and whether or not to try and see if she’s still there, but a lot of us think it would be best to try and stay as a group of six at least until we start transitioning, so that if anyone else ever did show up (for example, C), then we would already have started if C or whoever would’ve been against it.   I’d like to see if C’s still there nearly three years later, but I don’t know if that’s the best idea.   I’m still tired and a little stressed over the exams still, and I need to stop myself from staying up too late. ... View more

[R] @Bre-RO Thanks. Today's been better, and yesterday did get bad at a few points, but today I've been alright. ... View more

[R] Also wanted to bring up something else that’s been bothering me recently. Our mum has been trying to convince me I have Asperger’s for a while. I don’t believe it, and I feel like she could be using it in a way to potentially de-legitimise me as trans.   Her main examples are these:   1) My so-called “black and white thinking” about gender. She told me this not long after I came out, and still brings it up every now and then. I consider myself non-binary, which by definition means I’m not thinking in black and white. Also, in our brain, what we consider masculine or feminine differs between us significantly, but of course I can’t explain that to her.   2) My brain is “getting stuck” on suicidal thoughts and gender dysphoria all the time. My explanation is that I’m constantly being thrown into situations and being made self-aware of our body that doesn’t match who I am. 3) Noise sensitivity that I used to have in my ears. This is not necessarily an indication of Asperger’s, but I think she thinks this is still an issue because I prefer using disabled bathrooms. It’s no longer because I have issues with the noises of the hand dryers, it’s because I haven’t felt comfortable in a men’s bathroom for the past few years.   4) My “obsession” with our pet dogs (which I never knew about until today).   5) Me always being “precise”. I’m doing this in a joking manner because our mum used to keep telling me I had this.   6) The way I act sometimes, which doesn’t actually reflect what I want to do at all a lot of the time. If I wasn’t “facading” to fit in with what people expected because I thought this was a normal thing, I would’ve done things very differently. I’ve regretted several things I didn’t end up doing too because I tried to stay within what it meant to be “male”.   I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having Asperger’s, but I don’t have a diagnosis, don’t believe that a lot of these arguments still apply to me anymore, and I can’t tell whether it was actually me or I was just perceived that way from the facading. It’s not really helpful that she keeps bringing this up though. ... View more

[R] @Tiny_leaf Good news from today, I/we am/are only going to be doing four out of the planned nine exams to keep the stress to a minimum (our mum had a meeting with the principal today, who is only aware that I’m suicidal at this point). I’m missing school again tomorrow, and the PE teacher knows this, so that’s fine.   I’m not exactly sure how to go about that in a non-suspicious manner. The group was nice. I’ve used clip-on earrings before, and I managed to last for about an hour and a half. That might be something we might have to look into.   Thanks. That sort of grounding exercise could be useful, thank you for that too. I think everything’s alright now, I just made a dumb mistake again and A wasn’t happy about it. I’ll try to avoid that again moving forward. ... View more

[R] @Bre-RO Yeah, today’s mostly been a rest day. I was going to get some work done, but I’ve been heavily distracted over stress and the heat of this house. Thank you, I’ll try but I still feel guilty about things to the point where sometimes I feel things might work out better if someone else was doing everything on the outside rather than me.   I’m going to continue going. I know one trans girl (who I’ve mentioned before in this thread under the fake name Genevieve), and last year at her birthday party I met a friend of hers who turned out to be a trans guy who I haven’t seen since that one occasion, which when A was about two weeks old.   Thank you again for your kind words :) ... View more

[R] @Jess1-RO Things got a little difficult for me.   Tuesday after the psychologist I talked to both Headspace and Kids Helpline, in which I got really distressed (suicidal) to the point where our Headspace counsellor called our mum. When I got to KHL, I was tired and I’d calmed down a bit after that.   Today I was mostly quiet about how I was feeling in the morning (almost as bad as the night before, but I didn’t show it because I felt I needed to go to school for revision for the exams), but I went to school anyway. Got through the first two lessons, but I was supposed to submit an essay plan for our English exam today, which I didn’t end up finishing because I was a mess yesterday night, so that stressed me out a bit more that I’m past the time for submission.   I hid in the boy’s bathrooms for all of recess (absolutely terrible place that I don’t really want to hide in, but I don’t have much other choice). I texted mum, and she let the school counsellor know what was happening. The counsellor tried for about two hours using various methods to calm me down, but in the end our mum had to pick me up at lunch.   One discussion the school counsellor and our mum had was asking whether or not I needed to do those exams, and that my/our safety was more important. I can still get a ROSA with what I’ve done already this year, so these exams won’t have much of an impact on my/our HSC in however many years (depending on whether we choose pathways or not). Idk what to do about them. They’re definitely not helping me rn, and they’re adding to the stress I already have with everything else.   Going to stay home tomorrow so I can relax a bit more, and depending on how I feel I may or may not go to school on Friday (although I really should be there for a PE assessment). As for exams, our mum has permission to pick me up when I don’t have exams to do something else as a distraction.   Also, after KHL last night, I had a bit of a panic after I was convinced by our Headspace counsellor to let our psychologist know about our plurality, but afterwards I regretted it (and hadn’t asked the rest of the system), so I requested he keep that quiet again.   Got to go to that social group again (the one I last went to about a month ago). That was nice. I talked with people and did some drawing. Although wearing clip-on earrings can be a bit painful after a while.   I feel disappointed in myself for getting to such low points that I’d feel that unsafe, especially when I’m responsible for everyone else’s safety too when I’m the only one up. Although, T (semi-reluctantly) agreed to switch in last night to stop me from doing anything, which didn’t end up happening because I was rushing to get onto KHL at around 10pm.   Another thing: now we have access to four rooms other than the toilets to hide in to text/call people or just relax.   The school counsellor also isn’t in on the whole trans thing. A little frustrating for me, but I was able to handle it (never said anything about well, but...)   I really want to come out. I want to be able to tell that to people. I hate hiding... I hate pretending to be someone who doesn’t exist anymore. Well, that statement’s not exactly literal, since now the body’s identity is who I used to “be”. I mean, sure, if we come out as trans, then there’s still pretending to be a singlet, but that shouldn’t be an issue.   We seriously need to get better at switching. Or maybe at least being able to have more than one person active at once for longer periods of time. I think the longest time that’s been has been a few hours without someone going inactive (for two at once). T also theorised the other day that our brain could only really handle three people awake and thinking without someone being drowned out and going inactive, but I think we tested it and we were able to handle four for a few minutes. Anyway, this sort of thing, if we keep developing the skills, could be quite helpful.   Still not having a great time about our body. Some of what the school counsellor suggested were grounding exercises, but to be honest I want to distance myself from our body as much as possible because I don’t like it. As long as it’s not hurting anyone, hopefully that should be alright.   And yet another thing in this ridiculously long post, I’ve decided it’s probably a good idea to bold the initials of our system members so that it’s clearer that we’re referring to one of us (and to avoid any potential confusion).   Anyway, tonight I’m doing alright. A’s a little upset with me over something else, but I think she’s settled down a bit from it.   Sorry for the long post, there’s probably stuff I forgot, like our mum emailing the principal to let him know what’s happening, but I’m tired and I need sleep now. ... View more

[R] Hi @Bre-RO. Yeah, it was a bit of a bad night. We've been able to get some more rest recently. Blood test results came back and everything was normal other than being a bit low in iron and B12.   I have more stuff to write, but I'll do after my psychologist's appointment this afternoon, because I have some work for tomorrow I need to get done. ... View more

Who do you look up to for self-positivity? [R] Probably for me, some of the other members of this system. A and T both commented today, and the two of them are usually quite confident in and positive towards themselves, and they've been positive influences on how I see myself now too. I'd also say that some of my friends on the outside have also been inspirational for me in accepting themselves and trying to be less negative. ... View more

How can we be more positive towards ourselves? [R] I'm not too sure about this one, but I'll try to give an answer. I think that it might help to realise that everyone make mistakes and that your perception of yourself might not reflect how you actually are. Again, I know this is a lot easier said than done, and learning to be more positive towards ourselves can take a while.   [A] R wasn't sure what else to say, but I think being able to accept yourself for who you are can be a big help. The fact that you want to be more positive towards yourself can also be a step in the right direction. This can be a bit of a journey. ... View more

Is it easier to be positive towards ourselves or to others? [R] I think to other people on the outside, it's easier to be positive towards them rather than ourselves because we tend to be more critical of ourselves and regret the mistakes we make. It may differ for different people, but in my experience it's a lot easier to notice the negative stuff about me than it is to notice that for other people. Our system is probably the only one that is active here on ReachOut, but I can also say internally it's easier for me to see everyone else as better people than I am, even though they may not necessarily agree (either viewing themselves negatively or viewing me as being too harsh on myself). That's not to say they don't make mistakes, we all do, but the same principle about being positive towards other people being easier seems to apply, at least for me. ... View more

[R] @WheresMySquishy I know how that feels to have been bullied in the past and feel worse about who you are as a result. It's not always easy, but viewing our mistakes as lessons can help us not be so hard on ourselves. We're (people in general) probably harsher on ourselves and perceive ourselves more negatively than we should. ... View more

[R] @ecla34 I can relate to what you've said. The way we talk to ourselves can have quite an impact on how we see ourselves. It's good to hear you've been able to work towards being more positive and that's helped. :) ... View more

Do you find it easy to be self-positive? If not, why? [R] Personally, I don't. The reason why is because for a long time I've kind of hidden who I am by using a "persona" of sorts to try and conform to what societal roles dictated, and because I now have realised that I don't match up with who I am "supposed to be", things do get a bit difficult for me. Gender dysphoria is not a great feeling. But it has helped to have five other people in our system, as well as online counsellors and other people on the outside who care about me. And over time, mainly they've slowly been helping me see that I'm a good person and that I'm too hard on myself a lot of the time. I probably still pretty hard on myself now, but not as much as I used to be.   Also, just as a clarification, when I say "system" I'm referring to the six of us who share this body and use this account (me, A, D, J, T and S).   [T] I wanted to comment here too. I'm usually quite positive about myself and life in general. I'm not sure why, but compared to everyone else here, I just find it easier. I don't get much interaction with people on the outside, and most of my interactions have been either online or in our system, but I've always tried to be kind to everyone I've met, and try to make them laugh. I want to be able to make other people happy, and that helps me feel better about myself. I haven't personally gone through a lot of the difficult times R has, so maybe that's why I'm not so hard on myself. ... View more

[R] Victory! ... View more