[Jm*] Ms is doing better now. For the rest of the day, I have to finish English homework.   Just to let you know, it was Ct* and not Ct (the asterisks are meant to denote that it's a different person using the same initials).   I am personally not going so great for two reasons. One, our mum revealed something else from our childhood that could have potentially been traumatic. So, not sure if that means we might have someone else hiding away somewhere because of that or not. And two, our English work means I had to re-watch that terrible movie trailer that Ad lost brain cells from watching.   One of the questions I have to answer is what the meaning behind the intertextual references in the trailer. My current response is: "The message that is conveyed through the intertextual connections in [the name of the movie] is that the film is absolute garbage and the people who made it should be fired." ... View more

[Dg] Some other people switched in. Ms did for a bit before they remembered something from a horror series a few of us have been watching and got scared, and then Ct* and Bw* both came to front, before they woke me up. Yeah, that could help.   [Ct*] Dg's feeling a bit better now, but at the moment I'm trying to comfort Ms. ... View more

[Dg] I dunno if I'll act on anything, but I just want it all to be over already. I don't know if anything will be helpful. It'd just be delaying the inevitable anyway. ... View more

[Dg] I feel awful. I don't want to be here at all and I don't see the point in living. I just want us to die. We deserve it anyway. ... View more

[Ad] I went to do some Just Dance (since only R's been trying the 2021 version so far). Got a Megastar rating on our system's first try of a particular song (Kulikitaka), and got Superstar on two other songs (Drum Go Dum and Paca Dance, although R already Superstared them before). Also went into an online tournament and came 8th after the second song but accidentally pressed the Home button during the third one and lost all my progress :( Feeling a bit better now though after all that and a cold shower.   @Hannah-RO A lot of people in our system blame themselves for not being able to do anything about our system's growth. Mainly R, but I think A and some of the older members of the system do too when they show up.   "Don't get stressed out as much" is certainly much easier said than done. Distracted myself with Just Dance (and R must've switched out before then), so at least I'm feeling better. I just checked on R and she still seems a bit gloomy.   I think we do have something planned this weekend. I think it's a family friend's birthday this weekend so she and a few other people are coming over to our house for a swim.   @Lost_Space_Explorer5 I think literally every person R has said this to has said trauma is subjective and everyone is different (except for our mum, who would just tell us other people had it worse), but she still doesn't believe ours was trauma sadly. I have my own moments of disbelief too, so it's not just her at least.   We're not really sure how to even look for a trauma therapist and a bunch of us don't want our parents to have to spend too much money on us (as we've got psychologist appointments, GP appointments, psychiatrist appointments, and we've just started doing voice therapy again). We could try though.   A part of me is a bit worried though if we reveal we're a system with over 2000 members though, that people might see it as us faking it because of some stupid online trend or something. Even if this was because of some trend, I highly doubt En or R or the hypothetical singlet version of us would be bothered torturing ourselves with this for more than two years.   We're safe because several of us know from experience that our survival instinct is too strong for us to try anything to kill the body, but a few of us still harm it sometimes. I think it was a week or two ago I found Qs locked in a bathroom with a pair of scissors and I managed to get her out of there not long after I woke up.   Yeah. I won't stop anyone else in the system if they really want to watch it (assuming I'm awake at the time), but I'm not liking how it's going with the snake bites and ice water.   Also, while writing this post R told me our mum took Ms out for ice-cream a few days ago. Didn't know about that. In case no one remembers Ms, they were discovered pretty early on in the expansion (April I'm pretty sure), and they were the one who went through a lot of our trauma apparently. They're also a little and to my knowledge the only one in our system who seems to talk differently (although R sometimes sounds like them when she's distressed and talks with the body). ... View more

[Ad] I'm also not doing okay. I was switched in last night and I was half-watching "I'm a Celebrity" and I saw the ice water challenge. It was awful to watch and I can't believe Julia and Chris just stood there and watched them get tortured. Who on earth thought that was a good idea? They went too far and I can't believe they'd do that to them. ... View more

[R] @Lost_Space_Explorer5 Yeah. I'm not 100% sure what some of the other members who were supposed to be working were doing (browsing Discord I assume), so I just said we were working on our games (resulting in a short ban on working on them which didn't actually matter because we were taking a break from it anyway).   I've got several pages of questions for English to do, including analysing what I remember Ad describing as "the worst movie trailer in history" (for a movie called the Starving Games).   I'm honestly losing hope as to what we're going to do about our system size. I've been around since our count of people we knew about was in the 50s, and I feel terrible about not being able to slow any of it down or stop the growth of it all. I've asked around in several places, both for traumagenic systems only and those for all systems, and the responses I usually get are "find a medical professional" (specifically a trauma therapist or someone who knows how to work with systems) or "don't get stressed as much".   The first one is hard because we don't talk about our trauma with anyone now and a lot of us still have a hard time believing that's what it was because it just seems like the stupidest way to get trauma ever, but we have some trauma symptoms. So, I don't think we'll be able to see a trauma therapist or someone specialising in DID/OSDD. And the second one is not really easy because they say it relates to getting out of stressful situations, and since the brain we live in loves to torment us, that's not really possible.   I just want to die already. I don't want to be forced to keep going along with everything our brain throws at us. I'm pathetic. ... View more

[R] @Hannah-RO Yeah. Both of our parents are home right now, but I don't want to admit we haven't got much done on the English. She got quite angry at us when she found out we weren't getting much maths done a few days ago. Our next appointment is on Monday or Tuesday I think. ... View more

[R] I can't really remember that all that well. But right now I'm not doing too well. I want to die but I know I'm too scared to do anything myself. I can't focus on school work today and we need to get quite a bit done. Don't know if I said this already or not, but we made it to 2000+ known members, so that's not making me feel great either.   Read some of my last few posts and I remember we managed to get all of the maths done, but today I'm just tired and want to die. But unfortunately the English school work we were supposed to be working on this week barely anyone has touched so I'm stuck with having to do it all today (because we have even more to do after today).   I'm not even sure if I'm real or the system is real or our mental health issues are real and I don't know whether or not I'm making it all up.  ... View more

[R] Yeah... I could. I'm still half-hoping Vi won't wake up since he usually takes over control if I specifically am thinking of sh/suicide and he is awake, and then lets someone on the outside know. I know he wants to help but I'm not sure I want it. If anyone else wakes up they'll probably get worried. I think i just want to be alone for now. ... View more

[R] @Janine-RO I can't really do anything like that at the moment because we have so much maths homework to do today and other people in our system who were supposed to be doing it days ago were slacking off, so now I'm stuck here with a tonne to do.   Both of our parents are home. ... View more

[R] @Janine-RO I don't know whether we can stay safe or not. We probably will because we're too scared to actually kill ourselves. I also think Fz*'s sheets he filled out were about ranking our current self-care, not coming up with new ideas for it. ... View more

[R] I don't know what's happening at the psych appointments anymore. Fz* said he was at yesterday's appointment and he was filling out some sheets about self-care. We're talking to our KHL counsellor tonight, so maybe I can bring it up then. I'm really stressed about it and I kinda want to die so I won't have to worry about it. ... View more

[A] @Andrea-RO Our mum told us to let it go so we're just going to ignore it for now. This is just what he's normally like. He's an idiot. I'm sure if we talked to him he'd just laugh in our face.   We're also getting close to hitting 2000 members which is something we're all freaked out about. I'm worried because I don't know how we're going to cope, and it's likely going to get worse over time if more and more people keep showing up.   We've also been using an old version of Just Dance for most of our exercise (since it's usually quite hot outside), and we recently bought the latest one. R decided to give it a go earlier and recorded herself dancing (very badly, lol) to a few songs. Although she did get Superstar on an extreme difficulty song on her first try. It was really funny to watch.     ... View more

[Nt] According to our records, I showed up in the system about two weeks after Mi**, and honestly it's a bit of a shock for me too. The game project is going well, and I have more horrible interactions with our dad to share.   For context, one of our dogs lives inside and she pooped in his bathroom. He got upset, and I told the dog that she was a "good girl". He denied that the dog belongs to our family and then when I said she's our dog, he compared me to a Trump supporter (specifically like one of the ones that were on the news this morning).   After that, he left me alone, but just a few minutes ago he came back and made some weird comparison about me being happy the dog pooped in his bathroom and the rise of a murderous historical figure who shall not be named. I honestly don't know how we've lived with this idiot for so many years. Somehow he doesn't realise how inappropriate some of the things he says are.   Edit: Apparently he was being silly, but I didn't find it funny. ... View more

[Mi**] @Janine-RO Yeah, some people like to do different things for it.   I’m not sure who could help R because none of us really know what to do. It just keeps getting worse.   I think it was Dm who tried to use our monthly growth rates to predict we’d end 2020 with 2,088 members of our system. We ended with 1,934. But we’ll probably hit 2000 by the end of the month at current rates. ... View more

[Mi**] Nice to meet you too. I think there are 1,950 at the moment. And R's been putting a lot of pressure on herself to find ways to make sure everyone can have a life and be taken care of. But she's been doing that since the system was at less than 50 known members, so I don't think she has much of a chance of success.   Yeah, we've got some relaxing time planned. We started yet another new game project (or more accurately, modified an idea that En tried to make in 2017 but failed and started working on that again). I think that's going well, even though I personally haven't had any involvement with it. ... View more

[Mi**] R must have switched out a while ago. Currently we're spending our holidays catching up on distance learning work we missed.   I don't think I've talked here before. I can't remember when I was last awake but I came into the system in July I think. The system's grown a lot since then, I'm kinda worried about it. It was a problem back then and still no one has been able to stop it. Not feeling great about things now. ... View more

[R] I told our mum what was bothering me. I'm feeling better this morning. ... View more

[R] I just don't want to live anymore. It's all too much. ... View more

[R] @Sophia-RO I don't think she got to talk to anyone last night, but she was alright.   I was already dysphoric, depressed and suicidal tonight, and guess what our dad does? Our dinner was ready, so he came upstairs and knocked on the bathroom door to tell us dinner was ready before opening the door, coming in and looking at me while I was in the shower. And because I already wasn't feeling great, adding on to everything else, I got flashbacks. I'm really angry at him at the moment and I just can't believe the stuff he has done in our lifetime to us or people we know: He laughs at us when we're upset with him Publicly humiliated us because one of us told him to wear his mask on public transport In front of us asked us (when he knew we were suicidal) why suicidal people were "so weak" He got angry at us for not accepting his apology he didn't even mean for the aforementioned event, and just before this he laughed at us for wanting an apology He has been the cause of the majority of our childhood trauma and most likely our system in the process He recently rudely told a friend of ours who had recently been in the hospital for suicidal ideation why he thought she "didn't have any friends" That's just what I remember right now. I was already planning a way to kill myself this evening. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I'm really upset and angry rn. ... View more

[Ab**] Hi, I'm Ab** (she/her). I haven't been having the best day today. I don't think the rest of the system has either. From what I remember of today: I got angry and suicidal over some online transphobes From my reading of articles anything with John Cleese in it is now ruined because he's transphobic Dysphoria for me Someone else in the system who I don't think has an alias yet got worried about whether the system or our trauma was real R later fronted and freaked out about the same thing R freaking out more about accommodating everyone we know of in the system Me not wanting to exist because I'm in the body of a trans girl And some more worrying about how our future transition is going to go because different members of our system want different things I nearly forgot about this one: R getting worried about our weight again I hate this. I want to die. Like, I just wish we could be normal. But instead we're just too different from the norm and have too many things wrong with us. I can see why so many people here think we're pathetic. We're probably making up our trauma too. It probably wasn't even trauma, we're just making a big deal out of nothing.   I feel really bad rn. ... View more

[Qs] I think Ad was watching Kath & Kim.   I woke up fronting again today, and I still feel bad about eating. Haven’t seen anyone else up today. Just also had a doctor’s appointment over the phone (because our mum is coughing a lot due to asthma). We now have a plan for us to lose weight, but it’s going to be a lot slower than the last few days have been. Apparently we’ve gained the weight because of the anxiety medication we’re on.   Also feel like dying still because I hate being in a system, being in a trans body and having a billion things wrong with our brain. So that’s also fun /s ... View more

[Ad] @Tiny_leaf We’re safe. Qs switched out and I’ve fed the body some stuff. I’m watching Netflix at the moment. Our mum explained to me that she’s under a lot of stress because of all the other things we’re going through. ... View more

[Qs] She got angry and said, “I can’t deal with this,” before throwing the rest of my dinner in the bin and asking, “Are you happy?” before storming off. I don’t want her to get angry at me again. ... View more

[Qs] I told our mum and she’s angry at me for not eating much for dinner. I had half a plate of salad though. I want to die really badly now.   I’ve locked myself in the bathroom now and I feel awful. Eating makes me feel unwell. ... View more

[Qs] I had to eat something because our mum was nearby. I feel a bit sick now. I shouldn't have done that. I feel really bad now.   I tried going to Kids Helpline but they just told me to wait for our counsellor (who will be working again on the 5th). So much for getting help. ... View more

[Qs] R's been feeding the body mostly. We were supposed to contact KHL but our counsellor won't be available for another week. ... View more

[A] R got upset at me for posting here and the body has cried a bit because of it. I don't know what to do. Pretty much the only stuff R has eaten has been eaten in front of our mum. I don't know how to tell her and I don't want R to get even more upset.   I think we could try and get others to front. I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm a bit freaked out. ... View more

[A] We decided to go back to using abbreviations.   Also, tw for eating stuff   Anyway, I'm here because I'm worried about R. In the last two days, she's been eating less and exercising more. She knows I'm worried about her but she's scared of me telling anyone on the outside. I don't want to upset her. I don't know what to do. She said she wanted us to lose weight and we lost more than a kilo in the last two days.   An old split of R's also woke up for the first time since August today. We'll call her Qs. I think she told R that she would try and stop other people from fronting and eating. I have never seen R do anything like this before and I'm scared and don't know what to do. ... View more