[R] Yeah, but we can’t have a break unfortunately. We’re stuck together. And I hate this body too. It feels like a prison in here. ... View more

[R] Once again I just wish we could be normal. I don’t want to have to share my body with so many others. This is exhausting. ... View more

[Ak**] I don't know. It's a pretty scary situation to be in. I don't know what we can do about it or how to feel better about it. ... View more

[Bs^] We hit 4400. I'm scared I'll not wake up again for months. There's not enough time for everyone in the rest of our lifetime. I'm scared. ... View more

[Sw*] It is great for us to be on them. And that’s a really good idea.   (Btw I use she/her if I’m ever brought up again here) ... View more

[R] @Taylor-RO We've just had so much else to worry about that I guess that took most of our attention. But I don't want to have to live ignoring that I and several others live in a body that doesn't feel like us.   We haven't seen our gender counsellor person for a long time, and I think we might have to wait a few weeks for an appointment because she might be on holiday and our mum might get subpoenaed to court because of a break-in from across the road last year (the guy was the homeowner's son and he was high on drugs and he kicked the front door down and screamed as far as I know).   Anyway, another bit of a problem we had recently. We made a little Discord server for friends of ours to chat to certain individuals from our system, but someone invited that one system that ages ago tried to claim we weren't a real system because of how many of us there were and that we were having "compulsions" to act like other people. They immediately tried to access the list of our system members on the PluralKit bot (luckily someone in here bothered to learn how to use the privacy settings), and I kicked them from that server. They make me and some others quite uncomfortable.   We also got onto the staff of a big system server too. We're at the lowest position, but we haven't had much time for that with all of our school work, taking care of our system, etc. We also started a journal for our system that only me and Sp* (she/her) have written in so far.   Also been worried about the dysphoria side of things too for the members of our system on the more masculine end of the gender spectrum. I talked to Al^^^^ (he/him) about it and he said continuing our transition was what he thought was best for us all. I also want to chat to Cb^ and Fz* (both use he/him) about it since they also front sometimes. We asked around and people said with the number of people in our system it would be highly impractical to ask every single person whether or not they're comfortable with our transitioning, especially since we started when our system was so much smaller.   Edit: Also forgot to say we finally got on T blockers recently and we're having no negative side effects so far. ... View more

[R] Dysphoria has started getting bad. Most of us have been able to ignore it until a few days ago. I hate this body. I wish I was normal. ... View more

[R] For clarification, one member of our system left the house last night and was going to attempt, but she decided to come home and our mum slept through it all, so she didn't know until I told her this morning. She's been really upset all day and I've been trying to calm her down (our mum, I mean). She left the house because she kept saying she was "at the end of her tether" and because she was so upset.   Things have calmed down quite a bit now. She's sitting on the couch at the moment with one of our dogs and watching a show on Netflix. Thank you for saying that. ... View more

[R] If we were normal, then this wouldn't have happened. We're such terrible people. I don't know what to do. That member who did this should've told her before she did anything. But she didn't and now our mum thinks we don't trust her anymore. ... View more

[R] She said she might even tell our dad. And he caused a bunch of trauma for us which we think led to Ms showing up in the system. I don't know what to do. We fucked everything up ... View more

[R] I hate this system. Someone really fucked everything up. She was going to try and commit suicide last night, and I just switched in after she'd come home and patted the dogs. I told our mum and now she's left the house.   She said we didn't give a shit about her, that we're wasting her money because we struggle to remember speech therapy exercises and that we find it hard to talk about the system with our psychiatrist. I just wish we could just be normal. I want out of this absolute fucking hellhole. ... View more

[Yz] I'm yet another of us who hasn't talked here before. Got some stuff of the top of my head to write down that I don't want to forget so I'll try and make this quick.   Still behind on school work. We've still been keeping track of new members, and we've been working on an alphabetical list of us we've been working on for the last two weeks that we're slowly adding info to. For four days in a row last month we had no one new (25th-28th), which is pretty great, plus only one new one yesterday and no one new so far today.   Don't know what else to say other than we're still tired. I don't know that much else about what's been going on, other than my head's really fuzzy today and I'm struggling to focus on school work. ... View more

[Hc] @Janine-RO Nice to meet you too. I don't remember too much about the safety plan, but hopefully it'll be helpful in the future.   Yeah. We can't have a few days off because we're still behind and we need to keep going otherwise we'll just get further behind. And I think R watched the Ian McKellen version of Richard III.   I'm not sure we can look for another psychiatrist. Our mum seems to agree with some of the things our current one has said, so idk. Plus she was the only one who thought she could help us and wasn't too far away from where we live. ... View more

[Hc] Mayonnaise ... View more

[Hc] Tarantula! ... View more

[Hc] Hi. I haven't spoken here before. I'm Hc, and I'm female and use she/her pronouns. I formed around late August but haven't been up again until yesterday.   At the hospital, R got some support and along with a mental health team and the body's parents, made a new safety plan. Our mum did end up telling the people at the hospital about our system, and of course no one there had heard of anything like it before.   R did kind of have a bit of an anxiety attack or something yesterday though. We were going to have some people come over to take a look at our air conditioner, but they came five hours early and R got scared that it might have been the people from the hospital. Apparently we're supposed to get a follow-up phone call from them at around 4-7pm today.   Also, the hospital people and the police were apparently dreadful with using our correct name and pronouns, despite R telling them several times that we don't use that name or persona anymore. Also I remember this one guy at the hospital asking questions like, "Are you comfortable having a penis?" which I kind of feel like that was a bit creepy. This was also apparently after R told them that it wasn't mainly related to us having a trans body.   I think R has been doing a bit better since we got home, but we are kind of having a bit of a problem at the moment. We're still recovering from the fact we basically didn't get a holiday break because we've had to work pretty much all holidays to catch up on our work, and this week we're supposed to be starting the first week's work, but we're still stuck on the last sections of work for the holidays for Maths and English.   Maths I don't think is going too badly, idk, but with English, we forgot to read the Shakespeare play we're doing (Richard III) and we're struggling with finishing the work but R kept telling our mum that we were nearly done but we're only about halfway through. I don't know what to do about that.   I'm also feeling a bit hopeless because our system has expanded more after the stress of R's Friday morning outing and I just wish there was some way I could contribute to fixing our problems. But it just feels like there's nothing we can do to stop anything. Our psychiatrist's advice of "bring (body's name) back" is a load of crap, and I think R told our psychologist that yesterday. I think R said something like she doesn't think our psychiatrist knows what being a system means. ... View more

[R] I did end up leaving the house. I ended up walking to a police station because I was too scared to die, and the police called an ambulance that took me to hospital. Just got out at 11am yesterdat and I had a long sleep this afternoon because I didn't sleep much at the hospital.   I'm okay now. Hopefully this won't happen again.     ... View more

[R] I'm not sure I want to contact a helpline. I'm not sure what good it would do. ... View more

[R] I'm not sure I want to... ... View more

[R] I don't think we can wait for a sail... ... View more

[R] No, I don't think our system has seen Castaway. ... View more

[R] What is? ... View more

[R] The hope that we might be happy some day. But that hope in me died a long time ago. ... View more

[R] It might be worth a try. I can't guarantee I'll be safe though. ... View more

[R] If we stopped keeping track, then maybe we might not realise how many people it adds up to?  I'm not 100% sure what would happen.   I also want to thank you @Tiny_leaf and everyone else who has supported our system here on ReachOut. I might go offline soon. ... View more

[R] @Tiny_leaf I'm not sure. ... View more

[R] I'm not sure. I think it'd still be stressful not knowing the number. ... View more

Thank you Taylor. ... View more

[R] I just sent a Discord DM to a friend of our system. This friend is also in a system, but ever since we met them they've been a great friend and have been supporting us through all the bad stuff, and I just wanted to tell them they're a great friend. ... View more

[R] I'm not sure. Although I think we've often found names on the list we don't recognise and probably wouldn't have known those people were there until we searched for them internally. Our main way of keeping track of everyone is through the Discord bot PluralKit, which counts everything for us. ... View more