I’ve just been trying my best to make it through each day without letting them go to waste entirely; I’m still trying to draw, but lately I’ve been quite slow, so I need to get back into it. Also since the new year I’ve been meditating with the Headspace app each day for 10 minutes. I’ve been subscribed to it for about 2 years, and this year I want to use it more, taking out some time each day to look after myself.   And you know, this past week has really put into perspective for me just how much I let politics get me down. For years now I have not been able to stop obsessively worrying about the political chaos engulfing society, because it’s impossible to escape thanks to social media and internet making news immediately accessible everywhere. Sure it keeps us in the loop at all times, but that means that I end up finding out about all the upsetting things happening sooner or later, and I get bombarded with it to the point where I find myself having to worry about it and lose sleep. Not to mention that there will be people talking about it and fueling my fear with their attitudes; these days people believe that we must worry about politics to the point where it takes over our entire lives. You are not allowed to have a moment’s rest from it, it must always be on your mind and you have to let it bring you down. And many people do let it. Yes, some people have a healthy sense of humour, but humour can’t get you through everything in life, as I’ve found the hard way. As a result I find this worrying taking over my life, instead of thinking about my future. I want to take back my life, because I do not feel like I’m in control of it.   My sister says she’s considering joining a rally tomorrow, which is good to hear. I regret not being able to join protests since it would really escalate my anxiety, which I worry makes me pathetic, but at least I can support it. She also comforted me, saying that good people will win in the end; I really hope they do. ... View more

This is hard for me to say, but I’ve seen memes of World War 3 lately and even though it’s just joking, it’s made me paranoid as to whether it’s just a joke or real. I hate the way society has changed me. There are two sides to me; one that is overall positive and has a sense of humor, but the other side, the one I’m dealing with right now, is paranoid and worried about everything. I don’t feel like I’m in control of my emotions; instead, I am at the mercy of the world to determine whether I am okay for the time being or miserable. And I hate it. I want to take back control of my life and wellbeing, but everyone is telling me I have no control, because so many people reinforce negative mantras and oppose optimism. ... View more

Thank you, but it still doesn’t calm me down much. Lately I have felt so uneasy, like nothing feels real. I really am terrified of turning suicidal, when even the reasons I have to live seem inconsequential compared to the world falling apart. ... View more

So I’m just gonna get straight to the point, it’s not secret that this has been a very scary traumatic start to the year because of the fires. I haven’t been affected myself, but I’m still feeling extremely mentally unwell because I’m struggling to process my feelings. However I’ve donated money to support firefighters and communities, and it’s great to see people coming together to help, it shows that there are good people out there. But I still feel very sad and uncertain about this year for thousands of reasons. And lately I have been thinking, if things go horribly, irreversibly wrong this year, I don’t know if I will be able to go on living. I am so sick of false hope, where hopeful good predictions end up being crushed and catastrophic predictions become reality, which just validates my extreme anxiety for the future. I don’t want to be forced to end my life. Things should never have to get that bad, that bleak and hopeless. I have things to live for, and I don’t want the negative things to get so unbearable that it makes me want to die. And I just know I won’t be truly at rest until there is finally justice so the world can start to recover from the state we’ve left it in. I was feeling very sad and uncertain on New Year’s Eve, and that feeling carried over to the start of the year. Now I’m willing to admit I am not okay, and I need help. That’s why I’m gonna look for a counselor nearby so I can get all the support I need. ... View more

Okay, so as for high school, I don’t wanna go on for too long about it but basically I was in class with someone with serious anger issues who would constantly disrupt the class by creating drama with their whining and tantrums, and someone who had a severe hatred for another kid to the point of threatening and attacking them constantly to the point where I was terrified to be in the same room as him, and so for the rest of that school year I did all my work in the kitchen room where I would be safe. The next year he seemed to be doing much better, but then the year after that he threw all that progress away and reverted back to being angrier and nastier than ever; he forced another classmate into a toxic “friend”ship that consisted of constant harassment and stalking to the point of being extremely unhealthy, and he also developed a hatred for me because he didn’t like the things I talked about even though they were just harmless jokes, while he would often whine and yell, and wouldn’t leave us alone even when we begged for him to stop. That was Year 11 in 2016, and I think that was the peak of my negativity caused by my poisonous surroundings; it got to the point where I became angry and bitter myself, because I learnt that that was just normal now, and since then it’s only gotten worse as I’ve seen much more toxicity on and off the internet that never would have been imaginable a few years ago. It’s terrifying for me to think that the world could have deteriorated to the point of such madness, and it’s made me afraid of society.   It’s almost 2020 now, and I feel especially melancholy. I feel like I could have done this year a bit better, but it was very hard for me for many reasons. This hasn’t been my year, but it wasn’t all bad. There are plenty of things from this year I’m grateful for, and I’ve developed more coping strategies and learnt a bit more about myself. I want to devote next year to recovery, doing more things for my mental health and going back to counseling to try and deal with my trauma I’ve built up over so many years. ... View more

Well I've noticed that toxic people come in all shapes and sizes. In the last class I went to a group of people were bogans who were obnoxious, loud and completely unaware of their surroundings. They would constantly talk way too loudly in class and it made it hard for me to do any work. The year before in the course I did, there was a teacher's pet who outright bullied one of the other students to the point of harassment, and made really uncomfortable racist jokes, and the teacher enabled him by having hateful inappropriate conversations for the whole class to hear. And back in the school I attended before that, there were many toxic kids. I'll talk about them later tonight. ... View more

For this year one of my goals is to spend less time in toxic environments, and walk away from stuff that gives me bad vibes. Only problem is, I don't know how much control I have over that, since as you said before we can't control other people. Right now we're talking about enrolling me into a TAFE course in graphic design, but my main concern is that for years now every classroom I've been in has been a bad experience for me because there have always been toxic people that I've been forced to waste my time on. I could go into more depth about it, but it's a long story, so for now I'll just say classrooms just don't work out for me thanks to people having little or no mental health awareness. The only hope I have to go off of is that past classes there were mostly teenagers or 18 year olds, but in the course certificate I'd be doing I imagine it would be more adults. When was the last time you were in a classroom environment for TAFE, uni or school, and was it a good or bad experience? I'd say that adults are more mature and don't bully each other as much, but I'm fully aware that adults can be just as nasty, maybe even moreso. Also, I've recently subscribed to Audiable, which has lots of audiobooks on self-help for me to listen to. I'm not much of a reader, so being able to listen to these books should help me out a lot. ... View more

Also, I’ve been meaning to say that lately I’ve been worrying a lot about next year because of the US election. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop worrying throughout the year because of it, and mostly I’m worried about people’s negative defeatist attitudes; and I believe that nothing good can ever come from that kind of attitude. I don’t want to talk about it much because it’s uncomfortable for me, but if people continue to be so cynical then that’s only gonna make me more worried. But I don’t want to talk about that, all I want to know is are the people around you more positive or negative about next year? Do they think there’s lots of hope for the year? ... View more

Maybe. I think she lives in Sydney, but I can ask when she’ll be in Melbourne next. I drew a picture for her that I wanted to give her in person. ... View more

Okay, only problem is, I don’t know what to say to her. Can you help give me some suggestions on what I should say, and assuming she lives in the same city what we could do together? We can meet at a place where we can talk, kind of like a blind date with someone I’ve met on a dating site, haha. I will feel nervous talking to her myself so should I have my sister come with me? ... View more

To start off with I was gonna make a zine of my art I’ve done to sell at the event, but my main goal is to sell my art at an anime convention. Sadly many of the big ones are too expensive for me to get a stall at (I could technically afford it, but it would set me back too much as I doubt I could break even) but there is one that might be more affordable for me, so I’ll see how I go throughout the year. Also I’ve been thinking, I have a favourite artist who I’ve bought art from at conventions and asked questions regarding selling art on Instagram that she’s responded to, and she seems like just the type of person I would like to be friends with irl (in real life). I was wondering if I should message her asking if we can hang out one time, assuming she lives in the same state (I have to double check). I want to make connections with other artists in the industry, but also just have someone to talk to about anime and games and other stuff, and it’s very hard to find someone perfect for me so maybe this is the way to go? Let me know if you think that’s a good idea. ... View more

Thank you! I feel a bit better right now, it’s just that when I try to suppress my negative emotions, it’s inevitable that it’ll erupt like a volcano when something bad happens... or when it doesn’t happen, but I’m afraid it will. I’m glad if I’ve been able to help other people out as well. This December’s been mentally hard for me because there’s so much uncertainty about what next year will bring. Is that common? I would make New Years resolutions, but I feel like I’d be just one of many people to fail them because it’s so easy to. Maybe I can still make some goals though, and I have begun some the past few months like drawing more to build an art portfolio. ... View more

I’m still not feeling very well. I have a very defeatist attitude about next year, because after everything that’s gone horribly wrong this year I fail to see how things can get better when time and time again good things happen to bad people and vice versa, and I’ve been lead to believe that most people are bad. It doesn’t matter how many good people I come across, I fear that we’re ultimately powerless in the end. ... View more

Also, the past few days I've started work on a zine to sell at a zine store as well as a zine fair I've registered for in February. It's about my favourite Japanese shops, restaurants and events in my local town. I'm taking photos of the places and writing descriptions, it's basically a little travel book, and working on it has given me something to look forward to. I'm also probably gonna have a zine on the pictures I've drawn this year. ... View more

I feel a bit calmer now. I almost wrote something more extreme in my reply, but took a step back and realised I couldn't post that. I tend to have very big impulsive reactions, but I'm glad I could stop myself just then. I saw another Youtuber I follow has posted a video on panic attacks. I've yet to get around to watching it, but I will soon. Here it is for anyone interested. https://youtu.be/gfWGmgz8BiY ... View more

There's now about 2 and a half weeks left until 2019 ends, and I would feel more happy to leave the year behind, but for me it's not that easy. These past 12 months of psychological pain have really taken their toll on me, and I've tried to be positive all this time, but time and time again horrible things that I have zero control over happen and validate my fear of people. Today I went out with a guardian I've been seeing each weekend for the last 6 months or so, and I like hanging out with them because I like having someone to do things with and talk to. I was having fun for most of the day, up until the end when I just couldn't contain my sadness anymore. People are saying that there is still hope for us, but after the stuff I've seen, I'm not too convinced. I've tried to hang onto my hope for a long time now, but to see all the bitterness of people around me feels like such a slap on the face. I think I'm scared for next year. I'm not sure I want to know what's gonna happen... ... View more

At the moment I’m looking at getting work somewhere; just retail work, not something I wanna do for a living but I’ll be happy to do that just so I can be working and maybe socializing more. I’m also looking at TAFE courses in art. I went to one info session the other week and there’s another one on a different course next month. I hope I can study one of those courses next year, and I also hope I’ll be able to persist and do well in the course. It would also be nice to meet someone I can be friends with in a course so I can share my work and connect with them over the interests we both have. Lately because of some recent news from the other day I’ve been feeling worried and upset again. And tonight I’ve been thinking, this year has been very frustrating for me a lot of times. I’ve just been so stressed and angry about so much the past year, and I wish I could be a more positive person. I see people hanging out with their friends and having fun, and those people are obviously more positive and don’t worry so much because they’re able to have more fun. Unfortunately I find it so hard to make people like me because of the social hierarchy. I’m feeling particularly worried about the new year, because I have no idea what’s gonna happen in my life and the outside world. I’m scared of change, even if it’s change for the best, because it’s confronting and unsettling. I’d rather things stay the same because it’s safer that way. But with that attitude, I don’t know if I can truly shine next year, which is why I want to improve my attitude and productivity. So that’s why I’d like to do a course in something that brings joy (in my case, drawing) in the hopes that it can lead to good things. ... View more

A few days ago I watched an episode of Queer Eye in Japan, which I recommend for mental health support even though I’m not LGBT+ myself, and ever since then it got me thinking that I worry too much about what other people think. I don’t cope well when bad things that are completely out of my control happen, and because some bad news or something someone says can completely ruin my mood, I’m really not even in control of my happiness. These days everyone is so worried about what other people think and say that they let it get to them way too much, and they worry about toxic people that make them feel like garbage to the point where they push away the people they love. Because of this I don’t trust my own thoughts and values, because I feel like if I have an opinion that’s different from the norm than it is automatically invalid. So when I try to be positive and then everyone else is cynical and hateful, I find it so hard to rise above all the negativity. ... View more

I’m very sorry if I went too far in describing my story. My biggest fear preventing me from writing again is that it will be too disturbing and triggering, and so I haven’t risked it. However there is some good news on that front; Discovery College is having a one day course on writing for mental health and self-expression that’s on in 2 weeks, and I was in time to enroll in it. I look forward to that.   These past few days I’ve been feeling very nervous, uncertain and uncomfortable again, mostly due to some recent news, but we don’t have to talk about it. November is usually a hard time for me mentally, and I think it’s because the year’s nearing it’s end and tensions are usually very high. In fact I think this might be my least favourite month of the year. Some might say it’s superstition, and maybe it is, but I still feel nervous.   But in lighter news, I’ve been focusing more on my drawing lately. I’ve always loved to draw, I don’t know if I’ve really shared that much on this site, but right now I’m building an art portfolio in the hopes that next year I can attend some events that have artist alleys where I can sell my art. ... View more

Also I don’t know if I’ve shared this already or not, but here’s a video by Jaiden on relationships that I found really helpful, maybe check it out? https://youtu.be/4H9jTQKmR3Q ... View more

Thank you. I don’t know if I can enjoy that person’s work anymore knowing that they’ve become such a negative person. It’s such a shame because in the past they seemed like a positive and inspirational person, but it seems like the government has turned them increasingly angry, bitter and cynical. The thought of positive people becoming negative is really upsetting, as is seeing people be so mean and hateful towards each other. ... View more

Hello again. In the past month since I was last on here I had been doing a little better because I had been following an e-mail newsletter and it had some positive news that helped make me feel better. So for a while I was doing okay, but last night someone on social media I used to be a big fan of posted something really upsetting and hopeless that really upset me and now I feel like it’s undone all the positive things. I won’t name who it is for the sake of anonymity, but they reposted really bad news and were going on about our government is corrupt and that they’re ashamed to be Australian. I try so hard to rise above negativity, but when I see people confirm my reasons to be in an endless cycle of misery, I feel like such an idiot. ... View more

And for what I mean by people saying there’s no hope... well, it’s no one person in particular, it’s just the vibe I get from negative people. I don’t know what more I can say about it; people just love to spread bad news and complain about how everything’s getting worse but not doing anything to help. And it’s gotten to the point where I find myself believing them, because from my observation this year has just been an endless barrage of bad news in the media. Last year it seemed like there was at least some good environmental news that helped give me hope, but now it looks like all that good news ended up being for nothing because it’s been negated by all the horrible things that have happened this year. I don’t know if I can look forward to the future after such a devastating year; I just don’t see how things can ever get better now. And I really want to be able to look forward to prospects for me next year, like working, studying and saving up to go to Japan one day. Hope is an extremely important thing to have; and if you lose that for good, it’s all over... ... View more

I’m sorry, I should’ve probably communicated that I don’t think Melbourne is a completely toxic place. Because that’s definitely not true, there’s also a lot of positivity there too. I don’t mean to generalize an entire group as being all positive or negative. I just meant that sometimes, I feel that it can be quite a stressful and overwhelming place to be at times. I think my problem is that when I’m in the city or other overwhelming places by myself, I feel vulnerable, like I’m worried that at any moment something could happen to upset me and I won’t be able to cope with it by myself. However, I bought some “coping companion” cards being sold by an organization called Checkpoint at another convention I went to just yesterday, this one being PAX. This was my 3rd year in a row going to PAX and I had a really good time. Seeing all the independent games people in Australia (especially within Victoria) were showcasing got me excited, and I want to support the local games industry as much as I can and hopefully one day be a part of it, because I still haven’t given up on that dream. PAX also had a lot of stuff on mental health support; I went to a panel on mental health issues and the benefits video games can have, where they said games can be great for escapism and helping people unwind if it’s a game they enjoy. I like sticking to games that I find fun and relaxing to play, like Pokémon, Super Smash Bros. and Stardew Valley. They touched on a lot in that panel, I can go more into it if you want. I also saw a panel on writing narrative for games, which I found helpful; one thing that stuck in particular was that they said to just allow yourself to write something that’s not great because you can always go back and fix it. The last panel I saw was more of a funny one, it was watching girls play the KFC visual novel and it was really funny. There is also a game design class I wanted to get into that was advertised in PAX, it is for people with asperger syndrome and is apparently more of a social and safe environment. I’d really like to go there because it might be what I need. Have I mentioned I am on the autism spectrum? Because I feel I should clear it up because it would explain a lot about me. ... View more

Thanks for the suggestions. Lately I’ve been trying to take time out most days to do some drawing to build my art portfolio, because I’d like to be able to sell art prints at a small event by next year, and also get more exercise by using my trampoline and walking our dogs. I’ve also been wanting to write my own fictional story; I’ve dabbled in it before over the years, but now I want to take writing seriously. I’ve got an idea for the story and characters and themes; the story will have heavy psychological themes and be about overcoming trauma and standing up for yourself and what you believe in. However I’m having a hard time with it because coming up with a coherent plot is difficult, not to mention the actual writing process. I’m having a hard time just beginning it. And I want to write this story as a means of self-expression in the hopes of helping myself. 2019 has been a really traumatic year for me. I’ve tried to stay positive all these years, but all the negative reinforcement from people saying how there’s no hope for us has just kept on beating me down. That’s what I hate about the society here in Melbourne, it just feels like there’s this really unhealthy negative mentality people have that makes it feel like a really toxic place, and I feel like I just don’t fit in.   On a bit of a more positive note once again, have you heard of Adrian Eagle? I’ve listened to some of his music and even seen him preform live at a free concert, and his music has very uplifting and hopeful themes that I can appreciate. Check of this article about him: https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/music/2019/sep/26/adrian-eagle-on-surviving-self-hate-my-anxiety-was-extreme-i-didnt-want-to-see-anybody It discusses his struggles with anxiety and negative reinforcement that caused him to shut himself off from people until he started to upload his music to the world. ... View more

Since the weekend I’ve been feeling a little better, but I’d like to stress that unfortunately avoiding upsetting news is not that easy. No matter how hard I try, it’s a garuntee I will come across newspapers, news on TV and posters of bad news out in the open. Earlier this year during my time studying video game design, I heard about a lot of bad news from the news bulletins in the building the college was in. It was around the time of the election when it seriously felt like the nation was falling apart, and in hindsight I should have known that with all the negativity and hate everywhere the election could have only ended in tears, which it did. So sadly that made my time studying that course very unhappy, although the actual course itself wasn’t really what I wanted to do anyway. Getting back into the subject on isolation, I felt pretty lonely during that course because I couldn’t click with anyone else in the class. A lot of the other people in that class were the type of people that are obnoxiously loud and completely unaware of their surroundings, the type of people that infuriate me. I’m not trying to say I was completely in the right either by being so irritable, but I was just in a bad mind frame during my time there. That all being said, however, I want to try and bring up some more positive things. A few days ago when I was feeling low I decided to help myself feel better by volunteering for the Greens party. The other day I got an e-mail for them linking me to a Facebook page I can be a part of, however I feel nervous on following up. To be honest I’m worried that it will be confronting for me, even if it is ultimately for good. So right now I’m not sure what I should do about it. I’ve also been doing independent radio for a while now, recently I’ve been a regular co-host on two of their shows, one on video games and another on arts and culture, both things I’m into, and I’ve met a few people there. I think I was asked before in this discussion if I met anyone I could be friends with, and there is a transgender girl I’ve talked to a little bit, but I’m a bit nervous about asking if we can hang out more. Unfortunately for about two months now I’ve been taking a break from going to radio because I’ve been feeling too anxious to go back, and everytime I feel like I’m ready to go back my anxiety escalates again. I really would like to go back, but I’m too afraid... I’m sorry if that didn’t sound too positive, but I really do want to overcome these fears. ... View more

Sorry, but I need to take the discussion into a bit of a different direction for a little bit. It still links into what we discussed before. I’ll go back to talking about solutions after this, just bear with me.   Today I went with my mum and sister to Collingwood, Brunswick and Fitzroy because there were markets and a gallery exhibition on that I wanted to see. And all throughout the day, I felt really anxious. I remember in the car my heart was beating and I my mind was racing. I tried taking deep breaths at one point but my stress levels were just so high when nothing had happened to trigger my anxiety yet. The upsetting news article was on Australian climate change, and it was a very bleak and hopeless article. I showed it to my family so they could help, but nothing could calm me down after reading that. That night I knew that when I woke up the next morning, the memory would hit me with a wave of despair, and it did. I felt anxious still all day, and then came the time when I had to walk my dog. I tried asking Mum to come with me, but they were too busy watching the grand final so I just gave up and went by myself. I didn’t want to go alone because I knew that when I was feeling emotionally vulnerable, the worst thing for me is to be alone with all the negative thoughts racing through my head. And sure enough, during the walk I got increasingly mad and anxious; I remember catastrophising things in my mind as I was scowling, unable to calm down and think clearly. And when I got back, I snapped at my mum and sister and went in my room, where I was overcome with guilt for overreacting. I apologized and everything was fine, but I still haven’t recovered. The whole time we were out I felt insecure, and I just wanted to be back home where I could relax. But even still, there’s this anxiety in the back of my head. I think you’ll be pretty hard pressed to find someone more worried and anxious about the planet than me. It is one of the most severe worries to have, and I have tried all these things to calm my nerves; looking up good environmental news, buying sustainable products that help environmental causes, using a keep cup and tote bags... but I still feel powerless, like nothing I do will matter in the end. I can’t attend a rally because of my anxiety; and if just seeing the signs carried by people after last rally could make me terrified, how mentally damaging would it be if I was right in the middle of one? I would love to believe that these protests will bring positive change, but every single time it seems like things only get worse. I’ve had a miserable year. Every year I pray for things to be better for me and the world, but after this year, I’m extremely close to losing hope for the future. And I don’t want to. I want to live, but living right now is so hard for me.   Sorry, I don’t mean to be negative and bring everyone down. This is just how I really feel deep down. ... View more

Here are just three of Jaiden’s videos that I think will be the most helpful. She has plenty of other videos, and a lot of them are just funny stories as well as more personal topics, but she always has a sense of humour and optimism in her videos which is really great.   Anxiety: https://youtu.be/sbtQp7C1MDs Self Improvement: https://youtu.be/2RQH5Ycj1C8 Relationships: https://youtu.be/4H9jTQKmR3Q   I hope you enjoy!! ... View more

Sorry I took a while to reply again. Yesterday I had another anxiety attack after reading some really upsetting news and I’m still trying to recover. On Sunday I went to see the panels that had my favourite creators in it. First I caught part of a talk about using your platform for good, but the most important two panels for me were the mental health discussion and the animators power hour. Jaiden Animations, who is perhaps my favourite YouTube creator and animator, was part of both of them, and the animator panel also had Maaz, Sultan, Jordan Sweeto and TheOdd1sOut. The mental health panel was really great for me because they touched on a lot of stuff about dealing with mental struggles. The animator panel was really good too. Those people have really helped me with their content because watching their videos gives me something to look forward to, and it’s great to see them in person. They’re such positive people, I wish more people could be like them. I also saw the send off show which included the animators playing a You Don’t Know Jack game which was funny also. Last weekend at Vidcon was a big highlight of my year. I think it might have been the happiest I’ve been in a very long time. I just don’t want to throw away all that positivity now that it’s over and I’ve come crashing back down to earth. I’d like to show some videos by Jaiden. They’ve really helped me and they could help other people here too. ... View more

Sorry I haven’t replied till now, I had a busy weekend with Vidcon, but I had a really good time. I enjoyed the opening show and it helped cheer me up. Then on Saturday I went to a market that was on with Mum and my sister before arriving at Vidcon. I had a good time at the market and especially at the actual convention; on Saturday I mostly just looked at the merchandise the creators were selling and bought a few posters, pins, a plushie and on Sunday a t-shirt, so it was a pretty good haul. I met most of the creators I was a fan of; those being Sultan from the videos I showed before, TheAmaazing, Wolfychu and Jordan Sweeto. I was really happy meeting them! If you’re interested look them up on YouTube. Also I saw a panel with the Try Guys (I actually didn’t know who they were before Vidcon, but I enjoyed the panel) and that was fun. Anyway this reply is getting long so I’ll tell you about Sunday later, but Sunday was really good too. ... View more