Hello again; so a couple of things. First, I don’t have to worry about moving for this year since that’s not enough time for my sister to move out, which has bought me some time. I don’t know if I’ve clarified this, but I have decided to withdraw from the course since it wasn’t really going where I’d hoped, I wanted to learn more drawing skills but I wasn’t really learning stuff I wanted to and chances are the certificate id get wouldn’t really be used for anything. I don’t think I’m experienced or versatile enough at art to be a freelance graphic designer, for now it’ll just have to be a pet project. For now, I want to look for work in retail just so I have something to keep me occupied daily and I can make some extra money while I still work on hobbies. I don’t know when places will go back to hiring but I hope this situation hasn’t made getting a job even harder for me, because it was already really hard searching and I feel embarrassed that I’m 21 and a half and still unemployed. I feel like there’s so much pressure for people my age to get their lives together right away before it’s too late; even in the midst of a pandemic making it harder for everyone there’s still that stress even if I can’t do anything about it now. It’s almost June so the year will be halfway over in a month, but right now I just want to get it over with. I knew this would be a really tense year that I had to get over with, so at least I wasn’t too disappointed. But my hot take is that I still think this years been better than last year. Sure there’s a lot of disadvantages to this year, but at least there’s been more good environmental news, at least for Victoria, and the virus has at least distracted the public from all the other tensions in the world beforehand. I hope when things go back to “normal”, it’ll be a better normal than the one before. Right now I feel really tense about the US election getting closer, and I don’t think I can deal with it. I know I shouldn’t be worrying about the future so much, but it seems to be very common among people, which is a very damaging message to teach people as it encourages them to worry about things they can’t help at the cost of their mental wellbeing. ... View more

Hello again. To answer your last question, I’ve just started writing the story I’ve been planning. It’s just a rough draft for now, but I know I just have to write something so at least I can show it around for feedback and improve it later. It’s a big deal for me to get back into writing because it was so intimidating, I hope I can do a good job expressing my ideas. I’m replying today because right now, I’m doing some real reflecting on what I want to do with my life. We’ve decided the best course of action is to withdraw from the Tafe course I was doing because under the circumstances of the virus, I can get a full refund. There was nothing wrong with the course that made me want to leave; it just wasn’t what I was looking for to improve my skills, and I found the homework too stressful. I would’ve stayed had the quarantine never happened, or if I had made good friends with someone in class, but this way it’s no big loss. I guess I felt like studying to get a certificate was a requirement, even know I already have a certificate that I’ve used for nothing so far. And honestly, from what people on the internet have said an art certificate might not do much for me either... But in the wake of this, it has made me unsure about what I’m gonna do for a living. I know now might not be the most appropriate time to think about this, but I feel pressured to getting a job doing anything, such as retail in a store, and then in my free time I’ll focus on drawing and writing. Next year, I’d like to try again at getting a stall at conventions to sell my artwork and literature. But Mum wants to move to another area in Victoria soon, possibly even this year, which I’m not sure about. She says we might have to if we can’t afford the rent where we’re currently staying at, but it seems overwhelming and sudden for me and I don’t know what to do, especially given the current situation. ... View more

Okay, well I’ve been feeling a bit better the last few days. But to be honest, right now I’m divided between wanting the next few months to be over so I can hopefully have more to look forward to, and wanting to make the most of this time I have to catch up with stuff. I also need to take this opportunity as a learning experience to be more grateful, as I might have said before. It’s all about letting go of what I can’t control, which is really challenging for me because it takes a lot of courage to cope with bad things that happen. But it always helps to counteract it with news of something good happening. I’ve listened through the audiobook for Calm the *** Down by Sarah Knight, but I think I’ll need to go over it again soon to refine my letting go skills. ... View more

I just called beyond blue to talk with someone about my issues. I’d been bottling up these thoughts and needed to get it off my chest verbally, so I had an emotional talk with someone from beyond blue. I feel like I’ve been forced to become a cynical person by the society I’ve been exposed to for the past half decade and counting of my life. I’m so jaded, I only notice negative things and negative people most of the time because I’ve been trained to do so. I feel like I can’t rise above society, that I’ll always be beaten down and as a result I can never start to lead a happier life because nowadays people promote horrible values, and they will tell you that only cynical people can make it in this world. That’s why I deliberately went into this year with low expectations, because every year before that had crushed me and I knew that things would be just as bad. And I was right. When I look back on most of my teenage hood, it’s just bad memories that I’ve never been able to let go of. And if I can’t let go of the past I can’t embrace the future. ... View more

I’m very sorry for you. I really don’t know what else to say because I don’t wanna sound patronizing, but I hope all the things you were planning on doing aren’t gone forever, and you’ll have another opportunity real soon. But I know exactly what it’s like to be endlessly frustrated with how life has turned out. It’s basically like a sitcom where just as someone’s life seems to be going perfectly, a chain of humiliating events happen to make everything go comically wrong. Last night I finished watching an anime called Zombie Land Saga, and I hope I’m not giving away the end for those who haven’t seen it yet (though it has been out for 1-2 years now) but I really resonated with the main protagonist in the end because everything in her life had gone wrong for her. Everytime she got her hopes up and aspired to something she worked hard for, something out of her control happened to ruin everything for her, and just as her life seemed like it might be getting better she died. It really affected me because that’s how I feel, that I can’t accomplish anything because something always goes wrong and things just never seem to work out in life. Last year I hoped I would be able to learn to make video games by doing a course somewhere I wanted to go to for a year, but that didn’t go as well as I had hoped. And this year, I’m thinking I’m just gonna have to withdraw from my course because the main point was to be studying out in public to be more social, and if I can’t do that there’s not much point and I just have to try again next semester. I still don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, for a while now I’ve just felt aimless, like I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life. Everything is so mentally draining nowadays, I don’t understand how anyone has the energy to wake up and make it through each day without just losing it. I admit I’ve turned into a cynical person, but I didn’t want to be like this. ... View more

Okay, I’m feeling calmer now. The reason I was upset was because I got an e-mail saying that a convention on August I wanted to go to had to be cancelled. It never gets any easier hearing about something I wanted to go to (or something other people were looking forward to) being cancelled, it can be so heartbreaking, even if it only is for this year and it’ll be back next year. As I said before, some conventions have been pushed back to late ‘20-early ‘21, but that still feels like such a long time to hold out for. I’ve recently made a post-quarantine bucket list, which consists of doing some of the stuff I enjoyed doing before and miss right now, and going to new places I just discovered (like a bar in Melbourne called Robot bar, which is a Japanese bar with anime night on Tuesdays!). I’m also worried about my homework I have to do while schools are closed because it’s piling up and I don’t know where to start. I’ve had to attend online meetings to get assignments, but lately I haven’t been invited to a few and missed out on the information. Beforehand I already had overdue assignments and I didn’t know what they were, so right now I’m just really confused and I don’t think I can do this. My options are to either have a tutor or someone like that to help me get organized and get the work done, or withdraw from this semester and just re-enrol in the next one. I also feel like right now I need to catch up on projects I’ve been wanting to do but have kept putting off such as writing, and I feel pressured that this is my one chance to get it done so I can’t let it pass. I’m also trying to take this opportunity to be more grateful for the things I took for granted. I have a bad habit of taking things in life for granted, and then one day they’re gone. The lesson never seems to sink in with me, and those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. To end on a bit more of a positive note, I’ve at least been able to walk my dog more. We’ve been walking our two dogs most days, and it’s a good way to get a bit of exercise in each day. ... View more

I’m sorry to not answer the question right now, but I just need to tell someone that I’m losing optimism right now. Lately I’ve been doubting if there can be an end to the pandemic at all, because it feels like bad things lately never end. Everything I had to look forward to in 2020 and beyond is being crushed one by one. I might have to withdraw from my art course because I can’t keep up with the work online and it’s not like there’s any point to having a certificate now if I can’t do anything with it. Not only can I not go to any conventions or other things that give me something to look forward to throughout the year, but it’s also looking like I’ll never get to see Japan or anywhere else in the world. I’m 21 years old, and it feels like my life is over. I dread having to wait for eight long, hard and miserable months. I feel like we’re in prison for doing nothing wrong. And I can’t just wait for next year either, because that’s not looking very bright for me either. I think that the virus may have ruined all my hopes and dreams for life. I haven’t been truly happy for years now, I can’t remember what it’s like to be carefree. All I want is to just live in the past where I can be happy forever. ... View more

Hello again to everyone, sorry I haven’t replied for a few days. I don’t want anyone to worry about me, I’m fine and everything’s pretty calm and happy at home as usual. However, the last 24 hours or so I’ve been worrying a bit more, because even though it’s only been a month I’m starting to doubt if the virus will go away, because it feels hard to imagine life after this when we can go back to normal... I say normal, but for me at least, life was never “normal” anyway; I joke that I lost the chance to have a normal life ages ago, but of course there’s some truth to that. I don’t really have friends I get to hang out with, the closest I have is my sister, my older cousin, and some people I keep in touch with online, but can’t meet up with cos they’re either in another country or too busy. And before the whole quarantine stuff I was struggling with other problems. For the past several years there has always been drama and negativity in the media, and I’ve been just done with the bitterness and the hate for a long time now, so ironically I have to wonder if the virus is a blessing in disguise? I feel horrible for saying that because of all the lives lost, but I kinda feel like we also need this to have a break from other fears and learn about being more grateful for what we had. Of course I have a problem where I never know what I have until it’s gone, and that lesson never really seems to set in for me. And of course it’s extremely exhausting to hear the news on Covid-19 when it almost always seems like doom and gloom, and I know there are people with very cynical attitudes, but we can’t help it if those people choose to live their lives in bitterness and push away any kind of optimism. I heard the testing for the vaccine is currently underway, is that true? I hope until August is enough time for things to get better, but I’m trying to make the most of the time I have now. ... View more

Again, I’m sorry if I made it sound worse than it actually is. We’re not fighting all the time, most of the time we’re getting along fine. There are plenty of times where we bicker over little things, but it’s nothing serious and I’m pretty sure that’s standard for families. However, there have been several instances in the past where there have been very hostile fights. But for the most part, the three of us are getting along fine, so don’t worry about me. ... View more

I should probably mention that it’s not quite as bad as I made it out to be; I get along with my family for the most part, and it’s not like it’s become really unbearable being stuck with each other, because I like my family's company as long as we can respect we all need alone time, which I’ve been getting enough of lately. But every now and then we get grumpy and irritable, and I have arguments with my sister every now and then. It doesn’t help that our dogs are very loud and have a tendency to start barking nonstop. ... View more

Yeah, it’s good to chat here more. Unfortunately, the problem with being stuck at home with my family is that it’s getting really chaotic because we’ve been cooped up together for too long. There’s no escape from each other, and when we’re forced to be around each other at all times we inevitably get on each other’s nerves which leads to personality clashes. My sister and mother have been getting increasingly irritable, blowing up at each other and making things really loud and disruptive which makes it harder for me to get any work done. At home, I need to work by myself in isolation because if my sisters at home usually she’ll keep asking me to do other things so I don’t have much time to draw or do other things. She’s also really stressing me out about Coronavirus and it makes it hard not to panic. I just feel like we don’t really respect each other’s personal space and don’t give ourselves time to be alone and breathe. I want to stay at someone else’s for a while to get away from it, but I don’t know what the policy on visiting people is right now. I think it’s just one-on-one at a time, but I don’t know if you can visit anyone or just certain people or what. It’s such a confusing mess. ... View more

Thank you. Since I’ve been able to save up more money right now, I’m putting more into my savings for a trip to Japan. I’m not entirely sure if that’s appropriate right now, but I’m still aiming to go to Japan in the future and I want to take this opportunity to save up more for it. I didn’t feel I would be ready to go this year anyway, but I’ll see if I have enough to go next year. It’ll be hard going without conventions for a while; the next one I can go to is scheduled for late August but only if all goes well; but hopefully by September I’ll be able to go to the ones at the end of the year, including one rescheduled to November. But to be honest, I still get really nervous thinking about the end of the year. I wanted to take this year one month at a time but now I’m kinda just having to make it go by as quick as possible until things get better. I’m still trying to make the best of it though, like many others, but once this is over with there will still be other problems in life. However, I’ve been helping myself by listening to an audiobook called ‘Calm the **** Down’ that’s all about accepting things you can’t control and taking care of things you can control. And this virus I think is a perfect example of what we can and can’t control; I don’t think anyone in the world could have controlled the virus and stopped it from breaking out (I don’t know much about how it happened to begin with, but I’m pretty sure since it came out of nowhere, no one was prepared to deal with it) but we can control preventing the spread as much as possible and being responsible and mature about the situation. ... View more

Yeah. I’ve been meaning to catch up on some anime I’m in the middle of or have yet to start, since I don’t get to watch much anime and this is a good opportunity to watch some more. Also I’ve got a lot of video games I need to play through, so I’m trying to take care of that. But in terms of productivity, I’ve got several things to do in that field as well. I’ve been drawing, which is something I’ve always been doing for the past few months, but I’ve also gotten back into programming games with Unity, with the help of a book I found. I’d also like to start writing fiction during this time also, I’ve been thinking much more about ideas for a story and it’s very intimidating to return to writing after so long but I want to give it a try. I hope things are looking better in a month’s time, so much has happened this month alone it feels like things are moving at breakneck speed. I hope that’s a good thing. It’s important to help and be kind to each other out, but that goes for any difficult situation in life. And that’s something that too many people these days seem to forget. ... View more

Hey. I figured now is the perfect time to talk about social isolation with the Coronavirus and everything going on. My feelings about it are very mixed. When it started to really become a problem, I felt overwhelmed and didn’t know how to process it, and I still don’t really know what I’m gonna do. The course I’m doing is on hold until Tafe opens back up, which I have no idea when that’s gonna be, and a lot of events I was looking forward to are being pushed back to several months later, which is too long for me to wait for so it’s hard to look forward to it anymore. There are two types of people right now; the people with positive and light-hearted attitudes about the whole thing who are trying to spread hope and be kind to each other in a time when we need to help each other the most, and then the people with really toxic attitudes, who have gone paranoid and claiming that the world’s “gone crazy”, which makes them feel entitled to be rude and hostile towards everyone. I’ve tried my hardest to be calm and optimistic about things, but every now and then it just gets to the point where it’s hard to keep it up. Every day things are radically changing, it’s mentally draining and it’s become the only thing anyone talks about anymore in my house, to the point where most conversations are so awkward for me. Everything’s so confusing, no one has any idea when it’ll be over, and to be honest, I’m not sure whether or not I want it to be over. The Coronavirus is now the only thing people in the media are focusing on anymore, which is a double edged sword; the advantage is that it’s distracted people from all the issues in the world we had to deal with before this started. If it ends, people will inevitably still go at each other’s throats, just over different reasons. And that’s assuming it’ll be over, because some are saying it’ll be okay, but no doubt others are much more cynical. ... View more

I wish I had more of a sense of humour more of the time. These days, it feels like so many people promote cynicism and being extremely bleak and depressing to the point where everything feels like it has the colour and joy sucked out of it. I know I can’t smile and laugh all the time, but I’d like to more often. I want to be able to enjoy myself and be carefree more too. I personally think that resorting to hate and cynicism, especially as the very first instinct instead of a last resort, can be very bad and toxic. I found an article on the internet that I haven’t read because it will definitely trigger extremely negative emotions, but I’m worried that if I feel worse I might read it. Nobody has to look at it, but I will leave the link, but you can delete it if you need to. If possible, maybe we can talk about it together. I don’t want to discuss opinions on politics, especially because it has become such a toxic subject that people have forced onto me and made me worry about it to self-destructive levels, but I’d just like to know how to cope with extremely upsetting things like that.   https://toxicfandomsandhatedoms.miraheze.org/wiki/Donald_Trump_Fandom_and_Hatedom ... View more

First I’d like to give me thanks for the complement I gotten for my art, even though I get easily embarrassed by flattery. Especially from family, since I feel they’re just being biased towards me and act like I’m the greatest artist of our generation. But it’s good to hear honest feedback, whether it’s constructive praise or criticism, so thanks. This has been a mentally hard month for me; I feel like my mood has been very unstable, and a lot of the times it’s been especially low. I have a convention on next week, which I hope will distract me and let me get away from it all, as conventions usually do for me. Also I’ve been playing some games such as Pokémon which help take my mind off stuff a little and give me something to look forward to. This month I’ve continued to have overwhelming worries and fears about politics, and particularly the extremely negative and bitter attitudes of people which is only making everything so much worse. I feel so defeated and crushed when I see how so many people have resorted to maliciously hating each other. I wish I could believe that people don’t always mean to cause harm, but I’m so jaded that I’ve come to see the worst in them and believe that people do bad things out of malice and hate. And I blame these toxic people for turning me from a happy carefree person into a dark and disturbed one. They say that you can only have either love or fear, and I want to choose love, but I’m being forced into fear and hate, and I don’t want to. I want to live, laugh and love. ... View more

Also, I have to register my interest for the artist alley at that convention soon, since the deadline’s next month. (Can I say the name of the convention?) I have the amount of money it costs saved up, but I’m having doubts. I’m not sure if my artwork is good enough, or if anyone would buy it. This is something I want to do because it could be a real opportunity for me, and maybe even a great way to socialize and feel like a real part of the artist community, but I’m not 100% sure. What do you think of my art ... View more

Well, this is my second week at my Tafe course. I had problems with the timetable, because it changed on me and no one told me, so I ended up missing two days of class already because I didn’t know there was class on Monday. Also today I got frustrated that my work was inferior to everyone else’s; all their art looked so perfect while I was really struggling and in the end my work was sub-par. I just hope that I get to prove myself with art subjects that I’m better at, but of course this should be a place where I go to learn and develop these skills. Fortunately, I’ve had no issues with anyone in class, everyone there seems fine. I haven’t really reached out to anyone yet because I don’t know what to do, but just being in a pleasant class environment is good enough for me. ... View more

I don’t know, but I think the first step is to find distractions. Of course it’s still really important for me to discuss issues because even when something good is happening, I can’t shake the feeling that we’re just pretending things are fine instead of addressing issues in a healthy way. I would like to find the right balance between being apathetic to bad things happening and letting it completely destroy me. My goal for right now is to take my artwork to a convention to sell; I forget if I brought that up before, but it doesn’t matter now. I’m trying to save up money to afford a booth at one of the conventions happening in June, and then I need to save up to get my art printed. I’m both excited and uncertain about it; it’s gonna be quite expensive to do, but it’s not about making a profit for me, it’s just about sharing my work and being a part of something I think is really special. I also might be able to go to Japan as part of a group tour in I think the next year, if things work out. If that happened it would be so surreal and exciting for me, going to Japan is something I’ve wanted to do for years and it would definitely be a highlight of my life. But I just feel like I should wait until next year when I’ve got my life more sorted out, because I’ll feel like I don’t deserve such a big holiday when I’m doing nothing with my life. I’ve also subscribed to Audiable to listen to audiobooks since it’s easier and more convenient for me than finding time to read so many books; I’m most interested in self help books, like one called ‘Calm the F*** Down’ by Sarah Knight, which is about coping with overwhelming anxiety and worrying, which is perfect for me. I have to listen to it soon, I hope it helps me. ... View more

Yesterday I had my orientation at a Tafe where I’ll be doing a graphic design course. It seemed promising and I hope I’ll have a good time there; before I was nervous about it and I still am, but yesterday helped me feel a bit better. However, no matter how many prospects I have for this year, I’m afraid I’ll be forced to hold myself back because of my worries that have control of me. Of all the things I worry about, which is pretty much everything, I am most dreading the US Election season this year, because I just know that people everywhere are going to create drama and be extremely bitter and whiny. I have bad memories of 2016 when in school I had to deal with people’s hateful attitudes, which resulted in me having an absolutely miserable year and has only continued to bring me down ever since. Logically I should not have to worry about this because it’s not my problem to start with, but I feel that society makes it my problem by shoving it in my face, harassing me to the point where I have to worry excessively about it. Having bad, negative attitudes accomplished nothing, and society can’t seem to learn that so they’re doomed to repeat the same mistakes, and I am worried that the election news will plague my year as it did last time. I want to be able to enjoy my year only worrying about the things in my life I can control, but I have been told that I can’t do that because I have to dedicate all my time to worrying about things I can’t do anything about. ... View more

I don’t really feel like many people feel the same way I do, probably because they’re so silenced and oppressed all the time. This disdain for the hive mind of hate and cynicism was the reason I deactivated my Twitter account a few months ago, since it is an absolute cesspool that turns people into horrid, pure evil demons. But sadly, that’s just one layer of the rotten onion that is society. I agree that artists tend to be my favourite people because most of them I’ve seen are nice and non-conformist, but of course some artists can be toxic too, like those who waste their talent on what is called “hate art”, which is what it sounds like. Recently I’ve had a horrible experience with a fandom that I feel ashamed to be a part of. This fandom has become the very definition of what I hate about society, oppressing other fans for their opinions, because they are the only ones allowed to have those and they are so obnoxiously loud they need to ruin the franchise for everyone and drive people to suicide. There used to be a video on Youtube about toxic fandoms but sadly that video seems to be deleted by the creator. And it’s because of the horrible experience that I’m turned off from enjoying the series because how dare you casually enjoy anything these days. Oh no, every little thing needs to be made so painfully hard! ... View more

Yes, sometimes I do get violent urges, like believing that toxic people deserve to die in order to save many other lives that they’ve made miserable. It’s not fair that such mean hateful people crush innocent people and make them want to die when they are the ones who should be dead. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, especially when the few don’t deserve anything. The other night I had a horrible fight with my family that turned physically violent. I had no choice but to attack them due to a panic attack, because I cannot for the life of me think straight in overbearing situations. I’ve made up with them since then however, but I feel that is a perfect example of my repressed rage. Lately I’ve felt like everything in life has just become too hard to the point where nothing is worth all the emotional pain... ... View more

Okay, so basically I’m here because I have been really struggling emotionally for the past few weeks, and I can’t deal with it anymore. Lately I’ve been having some very violent thoughts towards people, like having an extreme loathing for toxic people who poison others with their drama and bitterness and make their problems everyone else’s. I find myself absolutely hating society because of how they force you to be exactly like everyone else if you want any chance of surviving, or else you will suffer the consequences for dating to have a unique thought. When I try to tell Mum about my worries, she is dismissive and tells me that it is normal. None of the crap I’ve been emotionally scarred by is normal! Not all the depressing news that has been shoved into my face for years, or the whiny toxic people who contribute nothing to society but make everyone miserable. I’m so sick of the cynical hive mind that’s been forced upon us, and I have every reason to believe that it will never get better. ... View more

I’ve just been trying my best to make it through each day without letting them go to waste entirely; I’m still trying to draw, but lately I’ve been quite slow, so I need to get back into it. Also since the new year I’ve been meditating with the Headspace app each day for 10 minutes. I’ve been subscribed to it for about 2 years, and this year I want to use it more, taking out some time each day to look after myself.   And you know, this past week has really put into perspective for me just how much I let politics get me down. For years now I have not been able to stop obsessively worrying about the political chaos engulfing society, because it’s impossible to escape thanks to social media and internet making news immediately accessible everywhere. Sure it keeps us in the loop at all times, but that means that I end up finding out about all the upsetting things happening sooner or later, and I get bombarded with it to the point where I find myself having to worry about it and lose sleep. Not to mention that there will be people talking about it and fueling my fear with their attitudes; these days people believe that we must worry about politics to the point where it takes over our entire lives. You are not allowed to have a moment’s rest from it, it must always be on your mind and you have to let it bring you down. And many people do let it. Yes, some people have a healthy sense of humour, but humour can’t get you through everything in life, as I’ve found the hard way. As a result I find this worrying taking over my life, instead of thinking about my future. I want to take back my life, because I do not feel like I’m in control of it.   My sister says she’s considering joining a rally tomorrow, which is good to hear. I regret not being able to join protests since it would really escalate my anxiety, which I worry makes me pathetic, but at least I can support it. She also comforted me, saying that good people will win in the end; I really hope they do. ... View more

This is hard for me to say, but I’ve seen memes of World War 3 lately and even though it’s just joking, it’s made me paranoid as to whether it’s just a joke or real. I hate the way society has changed me. There are two sides to me; one that is overall positive and has a sense of humor, but the other side, the one I’m dealing with right now, is paranoid and worried about everything. I don’t feel like I’m in control of my emotions; instead, I am at the mercy of the world to determine whether I am okay for the time being or miserable. And I hate it. I want to take back control of my life and wellbeing, but everyone is telling me I have no control, because so many people reinforce negative mantras and oppose optimism. ... View more

Thank you, but it still doesn’t calm me down much. Lately I have felt so uneasy, like nothing feels real. I really am terrified of turning suicidal, when even the reasons I have to live seem inconsequential compared to the world falling apart. ... View more

So I’m just gonna get straight to the point, it’s not secret that this has been a very scary traumatic start to the year because of the fires. I haven’t been affected myself, but I’m still feeling extremely mentally unwell because I’m struggling to process my feelings. However I’ve donated money to support firefighters and communities, and it’s great to see people coming together to help, it shows that there are good people out there. But I still feel very sad and uncertain about this year for thousands of reasons. And lately I have been thinking, if things go horribly, irreversibly wrong this year, I don’t know if I will be able to go on living. I am so sick of false hope, where hopeful good predictions end up being crushed and catastrophic predictions become reality, which just validates my extreme anxiety for the future. I don’t want to be forced to end my life. Things should never have to get that bad, that bleak and hopeless. I have things to live for, and I don’t want the negative things to get so unbearable that it makes me want to die. And I just know I won’t be truly at rest until there is finally justice so the world can start to recover from the state we’ve left it in. I was feeling very sad and uncertain on New Year’s Eve, and that feeling carried over to the start of the year. Now I’m willing to admit I am not okay, and I need help. That’s why I’m gonna look for a counselor nearby so I can get all the support I need. ... View more

Okay, so as for high school, I don’t wanna go on for too long about it but basically I was in class with someone with serious anger issues who would constantly disrupt the class by creating drama with their whining and tantrums, and someone who had a severe hatred for another kid to the point of threatening and attacking them constantly to the point where I was terrified to be in the same room as him, and so for the rest of that school year I did all my work in the kitchen room where I would be safe. The next year he seemed to be doing much better, but then the year after that he threw all that progress away and reverted back to being angrier and nastier than ever; he forced another classmate into a toxic “friend”ship that consisted of constant harassment and stalking to the point of being extremely unhealthy, and he also developed a hatred for me because he didn’t like the things I talked about even though they were just harmless jokes, while he would often whine and yell, and wouldn’t leave us alone even when we begged for him to stop. That was Year 11 in 2016, and I think that was the peak of my negativity caused by my poisonous surroundings; it got to the point where I became angry and bitter myself, because I learnt that that was just normal now, and since then it’s only gotten worse as I’ve seen much more toxicity on and off the internet that never would have been imaginable a few years ago. It’s terrifying for me to think that the world could have deteriorated to the point of such madness, and it’s made me afraid of society.   It’s almost 2020 now, and I feel especially melancholy. I feel like I could have done this year a bit better, but it was very hard for me for many reasons. This hasn’t been my year, but it wasn’t all bad. There are plenty of things from this year I’m grateful for, and I’ve developed more coping strategies and learnt a bit more about myself. I want to devote next year to recovery, doing more things for my mental health and going back to counseling to try and deal with my trauma I’ve built up over so many years. ... View more

Well I've noticed that toxic people come in all shapes and sizes. In the last class I went to a group of people were bogans who were obnoxious, loud and completely unaware of their surroundings. They would constantly talk way too loudly in class and it made it hard for me to do any work. The year before in the course I did, there was a teacher's pet who outright bullied one of the other students to the point of harassment, and made really uncomfortable racist jokes, and the teacher enabled him by having hateful inappropriate conversations for the whole class to hear. And back in the school I attended before that, there were many toxic kids. I'll talk about them later tonight. ... View more

For this year one of my goals is to spend less time in toxic environments, and walk away from stuff that gives me bad vibes. Only problem is, I don't know how much control I have over that, since as you said before we can't control other people. Right now we're talking about enrolling me into a TAFE course in graphic design, but my main concern is that for years now every classroom I've been in has been a bad experience for me because there have always been toxic people that I've been forced to waste my time on. I could go into more depth about it, but it's a long story, so for now I'll just say classrooms just don't work out for me thanks to people having little or no mental health awareness. The only hope I have to go off of is that past classes there were mostly teenagers or 18 year olds, but in the course certificate I'd be doing I imagine it would be more adults. When was the last time you were in a classroom environment for TAFE, uni or school, and was it a good or bad experience? I'd say that adults are more mature and don't bully each other as much, but I'm fully aware that adults can be just as nasty, maybe even moreso. Also, I've recently subscribed to Audiable, which has lots of audiobooks on self-help for me to listen to. I'm not much of a reader, so being able to listen to these books should help me out a lot. ... View more