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Bento
Super frequent scribe
since
25-05-2019
28-10-2020
107
Posts
43
Kudos
0
Solutions
28-10-2020
08:43 PM
Today I felt a little excited that stuff's opening up so we can get out a little more. I still might wait a while longer before I feel sure about city outings and the like, but at least i can sit in a cafe or go to the shops, little things like that. Last night, I had a bad dream. In it, I saw news of people on the streets clashing in a violent massacre because of their division from politics. I remember feeling really scared and couldn't calm myself down. It was only a brief part of a bigger dream, but that stood out to me when I woke up. I think it really says something about what I'm worried about; seeing all this division and conflict among people all because of governments. I think it's sad how we let our differences pit us against each other, and label people as evil and let their hate for them take over their life. I've been thinking a lot about how it gets to a point where it's so pointless to go through life with so much negativity all the time. Life can't always be sunshine and rainbows, but we all need to make time for the things that really matter. Devoting all your time to hating people just gives them more power over you. So I've decided I don't want to live in such negativity anymore, but I feel like the greater public won't meet me halfway on that one because there'll still be so much fury among people, and it's really stressful and makes it hard for me to think calmly when it feels like everything's falling apart. The other day I found a hypnotherapy place in town near where I live, and they say it can help with anxiety. It's a bit expensive for a session, but should I give it a try?
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23-10-2020
10:00 PM
23-10-2020
12:42 PM
Thanks for the encouragement and doggo. I think one of the big problems for me is that I've become paranoid that people will deliberately go out of their way to crush people's positivity. While I can't deny there will always be people out there like that, whether they just want to lift themselves up by beating others down or it's a much more complicated, malicious reason, deep down I think the big problem is that people feel like they have to let it get them down. I've been lead to believe that most people let themselves be psychologically manipulated because they feel they're not strong enough to resist it, which is how I feel too. You don't really hear about people being more resistant towards that kind of toxicity because they don't really say anything, but we should be talking more about developing resilience to normalize that kind of positive mentality. And even though for now it seems like everything's getting better and there's more hope for next year, I've deliberately tried to predict the worst case scenario will happen because it's so hard for me to imagine such positivity. I really hope that this kind of improvement will stay this way. I'm still afraid of people deliberately infecting others to get the number of cases back up to how it was before and undo all our hard work, but I might feel better if I had reassurance that something like that is highly unlikely to happen.
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22-10-2020
11:00 PM
1 Kudo
Yes, I've been thinking a lot today about how I really want to value my life because it should be a precious thing that no one should have to throw away. It feels so hard for me to live a life in freedom and positivity instead of fear of all the negativity in the world, but I hope it can be done. When I'm socializing with other people I really notice myself feel much happier and livelier. Like when my sister and her boyfriend come around and we play games together, I become much more chatty and sociable, and I have more of a sense of humour. So I know that being around good people does help me feel better. I just want to be able to feel like that more often. Sometimes when I watch videos of dogs and their owners and seeing the happiness and love they have it makes me want to cry from how sweet and wholesome it is. It's things like that that help me realize that there are good things in the world and there are people full of love rather than hate. My view on the world has become skewed because it feels like an overwhelming majority of people are cynical and bitter, so if I could see more positivity and kindness it could rub off on me and make me feel better. I want to be able to trust people again and love myself.
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22-10-2020
09:08 PM
Oh, I was under the impression my last message didn't go through. I'm sorry, I'm nervous talking to people about this. After having a talk with Mum today and working some things out I feel a little better. Right now I'm just going through another low point because I'm so uncertain of what's gonna happen. I think one thing I need to do is surround myself with more positivity so I can see the joy in life more and learn to be happier again.
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22-10-2020
08:49 PM
Hey again, I'm sorry I took a while to write back. I was going to reply the other day, but my internet disconnected on me just as I was sending the message and I got really upset because I wrote so much and I really wanted to talk to someone about it. In the day and a half since then I've had an emotional rollercoaster because I've been thinking about a lot and I'm still feeling scared about things. I've been worried about the last two months of the year because I'm worried that something bad might happen at the end and ruin everything we have worked for during this time. I've been feeling upset because even if I can go back into the outside world just like before (for the most part), I'm worried I'll be worse off now than I used to be. Before the restrictions began I was already struggling to cope with the world, and I felt like I couldn't function in society because the outside world was so stressful and harmful to my state of mind, and I felt like I couldn't have a normal, peaceful life. I haven't been able to take care of that problem all year, so I'm worried that things will be exactly the same as before with me being scared of everything. I've been upset because I've felt like all year people have been bitter, hateful and miserable, and I've dismissed people's positivity and kindness during these times because I've viewed it as insignificant compared to all the hate. I feel like I'm powerless to the negativity of people around me and that I have no choice but to let them beat me down. A part of me realises most people I see on a daily basis are pretty happy, but I'm paranoid of the bad people in the world who want to hurt others. I've been thinking that life should be precious and mostly happy; I know not every second of life can be perfect, but no one should have to feel too afraid to live. And for me and a lot of other people it hasn't just been this year that's been unhappy; it's been many other years before it. I've been lead to believe that the world is full of cynicism, violence and hate, because I don't have many people in my life outside of my family that are positive influences, so I've come to have a very jaded view on the world. I should be excited for my future when I can go back to doing all the things I love, I don't want to be constantly scared of horrible things that might happen. I want to be able to have a happy fulfilling life, but I feel like all the horrible things happening in the world are stopping me from enjoying my life. Please, somebody help me.
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21-10-2020
12:32 PM
Yes I'm glad I came across that post by The Song Room, it's good to see people express hope for the future. I just hope it will stay that way... In Victoria some more things are opening up now that its safer, and we can mostly start going out again as normal from the 1st of November. But I'm worried that'll be too late for me to be able to enjoy being out, since that's right around the time of the US election, so I'm worried that there will be too much tension in the air. Before the pandemic I struggled being out because there was too much that was a hazard to my mental wellbeing. The outside world caused me a lot of stress and it was really hard to look after my wellbeing in such a chaotic world. I'm worried that I run the risk of going back to exactly where I was before. After being away from the city and most places that aren't nearby for so long, it's gonna be hard for me to readjust and face the outside world once again, especially if it's just as stressful as it was before. I feel like my anxiety has gotten worse each year because I haven't been able to tend to it properly. I haven't been able to find enough coping strategies in order to deal with it in a healthy way, so I'm forced to resort to avoidance which just makes it worse. I wish I didn't have to be so scared of the day of the US election, especially since I shouldn't have to worry about it, but I feel like people and the media make it my problem by stressing each other out. I hate what elections have turned into; many people these days cannot be calm, mature and level-headed about politics, so they resort to starting fights and bringing everyone down over it, turning elections into a terrifying thing that people have come to dread. I wish there were no elections because the amount of distress they cause people building up to it and after is not worth it. I fear it might be the single most stressful thing I have ever had to deal with and I literally do not know how i will be able to survive the day when it comes. What do I do???
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16-10-2020
05:21 PM
1 Kudo
Sorry it took a while to reply, but yes, that's a good mentality to have. Even though I still feel sad that I don't have anything exciting happening for a little while longer, I've been making through each day by doing things to mentally occupy me and give me something to look forward to. I found this article from the charity group Song Room that I thought I'd share because it's only appropriate; it popped up in my e-mails just as we were discussing this, so it's perfect! https://www.songroom.org.au/media/latest-news/lessons-learned-through-covid-19/?utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=2020-10-15 TSR eDM CEO Term 4&utm_content=2020-10-15 TSR eDM CEO Term 4+CID_1919d48c4bc5a8412a9142b0c51beb7d&utm_source=Campaign Monitor&utm_term=here
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14-10-2020
10:56 PM
Oh, really? Well that doesn't give me much confidence, because I feel like I can't trust my own opinions if it's not popular enough, going back to my fear of having a "wrong" opinion that differs from the mainstream mentality. I don't think people should have to feel that way; we shouldn't have to have our thoughts molded by what the majority of people think, especially if it's negative. I feel like not enough people talk about stuff like that, and I think its a serious problem that we need to call out and encourage independent thought more. After all, people have always been fighting for freedom of speech, wouldn't this count as such? I also feel like having to hope that things get better that I have no control over makes me feel powerless because I can't do anything about it, I just have to pray that things work out. I hate having my mental wellbeing rest solely on outside factors, and it really shouldn't be that way. Political tension should not give someone so much anxiety and depression that affects their ability to cope in the world, especially if they're not even political people to begin with. Politics is a leech that sucks all the innocence and positivity out of the world. I wish it wasn't such a big part of society and we could all be able to just worry about our own personal lives and what we can control. Although every now and then, I do read some news on politics just to get me informed and sometimes it makes me feel a bit more secure. But then there's all the other times the news has made me feel absolutely terrified. And I'm going to vote in the Victoria council election to help with Victoria's recovery and protecting nature.
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14-10-2020
10:17 PM
Thank you. I think right now I'm feeling a strong mixture of emptiness and anxiety for the future. I'm worried that 2020 might still throw one last thing at us right at the end, and the world really doesn't need that. If I could put a positive spin on the events of the year, it would be that this might be the last big obstacle before things get better; people were saying that they wanted to make this the decade where we really change the world for the better, so I'm really hoping that this is the point where things really turn around. But I don't want to get my hopes up, because I've done so before and felt like an idiot as a result, causing me to lower my expectations because I don't want to feel disappointed again. I've been assured that at some point next year by the time a vaccine is released well have all the events we normally have up and running again, I just hope by then the world will be a better place than it was before the pandemic.
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14-10-2020
01:43 PM
Other than drawing, watching anime and other shows can help me feel better too. Either because they can help make me laugh, or because they're good for escapism and help distract me briefly from the world I live in. Since lockdown I've decided to start watching My Hero Academia, because I put off watching it before because I was worried it was too long and I'd never find time to watch it. But now that I have started it and am 23 episodes in (out of something like 80-90), it's now one of my favourite anime! My only regret is not giving it a try sooner. I really want to be able to join the other fans at conventions next year and make up for lost time.
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14-10-2020
01:38 PM
1 Kudo
As far as things that make me feel better go, drawing's one of the big ones I've been able to do at home. Although it can be hard at times, I get a real sense of satisfaction out of finishing a drawing I'm happy with, and I find the process can be almost meditative in a way. Kinda like those mindful colouring books. But lately I've struggled to find motivation to draw because I wanted to sell my artwork, which I put up for sale on Etsy, but no ones bought anything from me yet and it's hard to advertise myself. I guess I should be drawing because I like it, not for profit, but I wanted to save up for a trip to Japan one day with the money I made. That's why I hope I can go to some events where I can sell art; I might be able to do one in May, fingers crossed. There's also conventions in Melbourne planned for April and July so far, but I'm worried as to whether they can go through. All I know is that when we can go to conventions again, it will be such a happy and liberating time for me and many others. At least, I hope it will be if there's not too many other bad things going on by then...
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13-10-2020
08:20 PM
Thanks, but as much as I want to believe that things will be alright, I just don't feel like it's possible. I have no control over whether I have a happy life, it's all determined by politics these days. People now have this mentality that they have to let the petty drama and hate politics get in the way of their lives to the point where they let it destroy all their relationships, crush their dreams and make them give up on life; permanently in some cases, as they might choose to end their lives under the belief that things will never change. And honestly, I feel that way myself. I've been feeling less and less confident that things will be better next year; what if there are still no conventions or live shows, or I still can't go out or do anything else outside? What if the pandemic triggers a chemical warfare the likes of which the world has never seen before? What if, on New Years Eve, people tell me that things will only get worse... And what if they're right?
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13-10-2020
03:08 PM
I'm worried about what people think of everything really. It makes me really upset to see people being so horrible to each other, it feels like people do it because they think it's easier to make it in the world by being cynical and hateful. People these days don't like it when others express their own independent opinions, they want everyone to agree with them and so manipulate everyone into being clones of each other who all regurgitate the same thoughts and words. Society forces you to be exactly the same as everyone else, and trying to be different in a way they don't like will result in you suffering their wrath. And so if enough people tell me something, I have no choice but to blindly listen to them. Next year I was hoping to do some of the things I couldn't do this year, like go to conventions selling my artwork at a table for the first time. I like conventions because they're a fun, positive and safe environment where I feel like I can be myself without fear of people wanting to hurt me, but the lack of conventions has made the world feel that much more hostile and miserable. And now I'm worried that there will be no conventions next year either if people deliberately make the pandemic worse. I'm even worried that people will boycott the vaccine by destroying it to make sure the virus will never be stopped, because they believe that we don't deserve it. Do you think it's possible that we will see a wave of covid-spreading terrorism by the end of the year?
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13-10-2020
10:06 AM
It would be nice to stay safe from the news, but that's simply not an option. Lately I've regressed to the point where I avoid the news because I cannot deal with it in a healthy way, causing me to avoid situations because I don't know how to deal with them properly. No one really talks about being able to confront things like this, so I've never really been able to learn. And it's too late anyway, I've already been exposed to the worst the world has to offer. I've felt like I've been unable to function in society normally long before the pandemic began, because I feel that society has grown so toxic and dysfunctional it has impacted my ability to live a normal life. It's reached a point where I'm scared of everything, because the outside world is not a kind and friendly place. It is incredibly stressful, hostile, and doesn't care about your physical or mental wellbeing. And so I'm worried that it's wrong for me to have dreams and goals in life because society would not support me, they would want to hurt me and make sure I never achieve those goals. My family is very supportive of me; they have always tried to encourage me and want to see me succeed in life, but lately I've pushed them away because I'm afraid that it doesn't matter what they think, because the outside world does not share that same sentiment. So basically, for me functioning in society would mean being able to go about my everyday life mostly peacefully without being crippled by anxiety and fear of what other people think. I just don't know how I can possibly get there from where I'm currently at, especially not in the span of 12 months.
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12-10-2020
08:52 PM
I've tried looking for good things in the world too, but I'm afraid that it pales in comparison to the bad. It seems like people only want to share bad news and give bad people more power over them, which I'm worried will discourage people from bothering to do nice things because no one will acknowledge them, making it worthless. The fact that I genuinely believe people will deliberately spread covid as a form of terrorism should be telling of where my faith in society is; I don't trust people to help make things better. I would have thought people would want to fight the pandemic so they can return to the things they love, but I know that some people will stop at nothing to stop others from doing harmless innocent things that they enjoy, so I'm really scared people are gonna make things worse and cause covid rates to shoot up to an all time high. I'm honestly not sure if I even want to go back into society because I just can't function in it properly.
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10-10-2020
08:52 PM
2 Kudos
Since today is mental health day, which I think is extremely important not just right now, but every year, I thought I'd share some fears to seek help. We have just under 3 months left of 2020, and I wish I could celebrate letting go of what may be the most mentally challenging year of my life, but alas it's not that simple. I won't be able to let go of the pain left by a year with the turn of a calendar. Because our society seems to be obsessed with being bitter about the past to the point where they refuse to move on, and let it ruin our present and future. This year my faith in society has declined even more than before, because I've seen the negativity, toxicity and hate in society triggered by 2020. It's really brought out the worst in people. And people aren't gonna adopt a better attitude just because it's a new year; they're gonna keep digging humanity into a pit of self-destruction. Nobody seems aware that all this hate we are spreading is making the world an even harder place to live than it needs to be, and I'm worried that people are gonna make our situation worse instead of better, and on purpose. Lately I have been really scared that by the end of the year, an extremist movement across western civilization will emerge where people will go around deliberately infecting millions of people with covid to cause the numbers to shoot up higher than ever, because they are sick of humanity and want to put us out of our misery because they've decided that we are too far gone to ever be saved, and things will never get better. I'm terrified that the US election in a month could be the trigger that would cause this genocidal movement, because people will think that the world can never recover from 2020. For years now I have been psychologically manipulated by what other people say. My entire mental wellbeing is solely determined by other people, meaning I have no control over it. This is how our generation has been taught how to act; being manipulated and pushed around by others to the point of letting them ruin our lives. It's such a shame that today's youth feels like they have to forever be mentally broken and dysfunctional because the world is a horrible place that is crushing our spirit. More people should be advocating for mental wellbeing for all of humanity, but instead too many people are just bringing each other down. I've tried so hard to be positive and brave for years, but society just keeps beating me down and it keeps getting harder for me to get back up and keep fighting in the world. I'm worried that by the end of 2020 I'm just gonna be too scarred to be able to keep on going anymore.
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10-07-2020
03:36 PM
2 Kudos
Oh yeah, and to answer your question about Maggie, she’s a chocolate Labrador and she’s super cute. I have so much to say about her, feel free to ask questions. Lately she’s been very funny because she harasses us by jumping around and barking for dinner in the afternoon because she gets hangry!
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10-07-2020
03:34 PM
Whoops, it’s been about a whole month since I replied. Last month felt pretty stressful and tiring for me, but that feels redundant to say. In case you haven’t heard, Victoria’s re-entered lockdown for another 6 weeks, which is disappointing, but it’s probably for the best if it can bring us closer to winning the fight with the virus; early on I was hoping it might be all over by now, but in hindsight that was just a tiny bit unrealistic. This year I’ve had to cope with going without things I’d gotten so attached to, like going to conventions, occasional holidays and even just eating out with my family. At least I got to go to the cinemas twice last week; first I saw the new My Hero Academia film which I really enjoyed (I just like going to see anime films in general), and then I decided to see the original Ghostbusters; I’d seen it a few times before but it was fun seeing it again. It’s still incredibly hard for me to accept the difficult situation that’s out of my hands. This year is pretty much the ultimate mental challenge for me; almost like the world has conspired against me to teach me an important lesson. And in that regard, it’s important to view challenges as an opportunity to learn and come out the other end stronger. Sadly not everyone can see that, and I’ve had to deal with the negative attitudes of many people in the world getting me down. It feels so unfair that I’m trying hard to be positive only for so many people to just shoot me down, making things even harder than they need to be. It’s hard to keep a smile on your face when everyone’s talking about how awful the current year is. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if the previous 5 or more years were so mentally hard for me and the world. It makes it feel like this is rock bottom, like things can never get better so there’s no point in trying anymore. I feel so anxious thinking about the future worrying about how everything could go wrong, that’s just how I’ve been brought up in today’s toxic environment.
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07-06-2020
01:37 PM
1 Kudo
Yesterday I started seeing my guardian (or whatever the correct term) again; she takes me out each Saturday, and it’s nice to be able to talk to someone else around my age. We usually take my dog Maggie with us too when possible. There’s also a discord group I joined that has voice chat sessions each Monday. I found out about the group through someone I know from syn radio. It’s nice to have a casual conversation with a group of people and feel a bit more social while I work on personal stuff, but I will have to speak up whenever someone starts talking about anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, because I want to feel relaxed when I chat with them. I also signed two petitions for George Floyd, one from change.org and one from Amnesty. It’s not much but until I can donate money at least I’ve helped in some way. Someone also said that it’s okay for us to spend time away from media to prioritize our own wellbeing. Some people might think you’re selfish or apathetic for doing it, but I really need to take time out for myself, and I have been stressing out about everything lately. I’m trying to do all I can to make the weeks go by so I can be one step closer to things I’m looking forward to.
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02-06-2020
07:02 PM
3 Kudos
Usually whenever I feel hopeless about something, I desperately try to look on the bright side. In this case, the good news is that some police are showing support for the peaceful protesters, so I hope that’s a sign that not all is lost. I just want this week to go by as soon as possible in the hopes that things will look better eventually. Today I had my first session with a new GP, and it was good to share my emotional pain with someone and seek help. The one thing that could make this year worth it is if it ends up being a bridge to a better future, because our actions today will impact tomorrow.
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01-06-2020
11:13 PM
So I’m just gonna get this out of the way, I’m sure everyone knows about the murder of George Floyd and right now it’s a really uncertain time for racial equality. I knew I had to say something, so on social media I wrote something that basically said that this year has been extremely difficult for me and many others because we have had to juggle so much. It’s like they say “when it rains it pours”, it always feels like a million things bombard society at once to keep us down. It is an extremely hard time to grow up in. Even though things are more convenient and for the lack of a better word, in terms of mentality it’s no wonder there’s such a mental health crisis around the world. Everything is so hard and exhausting, and it’s hard for me to be optimistic when everyone says how horrible this year has been. It really feels like after the damage done in this year, things will never get better. Every year gets worse than the last, and it seems like the world’s morality is at an all time low, and next year and the year after will probably be the same. Why should anyone believe things will be better when time and time again it’s only gotten worse? I know for me it’s a really scary uncertain time because it feels like nothing will ever change, and every day I have to life with negative thoughts. My plans to be calmer this year have gone out the window because I had no idea this year would be this infuriating. I’ve tried my hardest to be positive and hopeful, but I get nothing but negative validation for my efforts. I don’t know how much longer I can go through life like this.
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30-05-2020
10:40 AM
I think when I’m worried about stuff or just going through a rough time emotionally, it helps to be out doing something as a distraction. That’s presented a bit of a problem right now, but with more places slowly reopening as it hopefully gets a bit safer, I hope I can do some of the stuff I wanted to soon, but I’ve also started writing my fiction recently. It’s a bit slow right now, but I’ve been trying to get back into it by writing a bit each time I sit down at the computer.
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28-05-2020
11:03 PM
Hello again; so a couple of things. First, I don’t have to worry about moving for this year since that’s not enough time for my sister to move out, which has bought me some time. I don’t know if I’ve clarified this, but I have decided to withdraw from the course since it wasn’t really going where I’d hoped, I wanted to learn more drawing skills but I wasn’t really learning stuff I wanted to and chances are the certificate id get wouldn’t really be used for anything. I don’t think I’m experienced or versatile enough at art to be a freelance graphic designer, for now it’ll just have to be a pet project. For now, I want to look for work in retail just so I have something to keep me occupied daily and I can make some extra money while I still work on hobbies. I don’t know when places will go back to hiring but I hope this situation hasn’t made getting a job even harder for me, because it was already really hard searching and I feel embarrassed that I’m 21 and a half and still unemployed. I feel like there’s so much pressure for people my age to get their lives together right away before it’s too late; even in the midst of a pandemic making it harder for everyone there’s still that stress even if I can’t do anything about it now. It’s almost June so the year will be halfway over in a month, but right now I just want to get it over with. I knew this would be a really tense year that I had to get over with, so at least I wasn’t too disappointed. But my hot take is that I still think this years been better than last year. Sure there’s a lot of disadvantages to this year, but at least there’s been more good environmental news, at least for Victoria, and the virus has at least distracted the public from all the other tensions in the world beforehand. I hope when things go back to “normal”, it’ll be a better normal than the one before. Right now I feel really tense about the US election getting closer, and I don’t think I can deal with it. I know I shouldn’t be worrying about the future so much, but it seems to be very common among people, which is a very damaging message to teach people as it encourages them to worry about things they can’t help at the cost of their mental wellbeing.
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16-05-2020
10:07 PM
Hello again. To answer your last question, I’ve just started writing the story I’ve been planning. It’s just a rough draft for now, but I know I just have to write something so at least I can show it around for feedback and improve it later. It’s a big deal for me to get back into writing because it was so intimidating, I hope I can do a good job expressing my ideas. I’m replying today because right now, I’m doing some real reflecting on what I want to do with my life. We’ve decided the best course of action is to withdraw from the Tafe course I was doing because under the circumstances of the virus, I can get a full refund. There was nothing wrong with the course that made me want to leave; it just wasn’t what I was looking for to improve my skills, and I found the homework too stressful. I would’ve stayed had the quarantine never happened, or if I had made good friends with someone in class, but this way it’s no big loss. I guess I felt like studying to get a certificate was a requirement, even know I already have a certificate that I’ve used for nothing so far. And honestly, from what people on the internet have said an art certificate might not do much for me either... But in the wake of this, it has made me unsure about what I’m gonna do for a living. I know now might not be the most appropriate time to think about this, but I feel pressured to getting a job doing anything, such as retail in a store, and then in my free time I’ll focus on drawing and writing. Next year, I’d like to try again at getting a stall at conventions to sell my artwork and literature. But Mum wants to move to another area in Victoria soon, possibly even this year, which I’m not sure about. She says we might have to if we can’t afford the rent where we’re currently staying at, but it seems overwhelming and sudden for me and I don’t know what to do, especially given the current situation.
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06-05-2020
08:41 PM
Okay, well I’ve been feeling a bit better the last few days. But to be honest, right now I’m divided between wanting the next few months to be over so I can hopefully have more to look forward to, and wanting to make the most of this time I have to catch up with stuff. I also need to take this opportunity as a learning experience to be more grateful, as I might have said before. It’s all about letting go of what I can’t control, which is really challenging for me because it takes a lot of courage to cope with bad things that happen. But it always helps to counteract it with news of something good happening. I’ve listened through the audiobook for Calm the *** Down by Sarah Knight, but I think I’ll need to go over it again soon to refine my letting go skills.
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03-05-2020
12:04 AM
I just called beyond blue to talk with someone about my issues. I’d been bottling up these thoughts and needed to get it off my chest verbally, so I had an emotional talk with someone from beyond blue. I feel like I’ve been forced to become a cynical person by the society I’ve been exposed to for the past half decade and counting of my life. I’m so jaded, I only notice negative things and negative people most of the time because I’ve been trained to do so. I feel like I can’t rise above society, that I’ll always be beaten down and as a result I can never start to lead a happier life because nowadays people promote horrible values, and they will tell you that only cynical people can make it in this world. That’s why I deliberately went into this year with low expectations, because every year before that had crushed me and I knew that things would be just as bad. And I was right. When I look back on most of my teenage hood, it’s just bad memories that I’ve never been able to let go of. And if I can’t let go of the past I can’t embrace the future.
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02-05-2020
04:09 PM
I’m very sorry for you. I really don’t know what else to say because I don’t wanna sound patronizing, but I hope all the things you were planning on doing aren’t gone forever, and you’ll have another opportunity real soon. But I know exactly what it’s like to be endlessly frustrated with how life has turned out. It’s basically like a sitcom where just as someone’s life seems to be going perfectly, a chain of humiliating events happen to make everything go comically wrong. Last night I finished watching an anime called Zombie Land Saga, and I hope I’m not giving away the end for those who haven’t seen it yet (though it has been out for 1-2 years now) but I really resonated with the main protagonist in the end because everything in her life had gone wrong for her. Everytime she got her hopes up and aspired to something she worked hard for, something out of her control happened to ruin everything for her, and just as her life seemed like it might be getting better she died. It really affected me because that’s how I feel, that I can’t accomplish anything because something always goes wrong and things just never seem to work out in life. Last year I hoped I would be able to learn to make video games by doing a course somewhere I wanted to go to for a year, but that didn’t go as well as I had hoped. And this year, I’m thinking I’m just gonna have to withdraw from my course because the main point was to be studying out in public to be more social, and if I can’t do that there’s not much point and I just have to try again next semester. I still don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, for a while now I’ve just felt aimless, like I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life. Everything is so mentally draining nowadays, I don’t understand how anyone has the energy to wake up and make it through each day without just losing it. I admit I’ve turned into a cynical person, but I didn’t want to be like this.
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30-04-2020
11:34 PM
1 Kudo
Okay, I’m feeling calmer now. The reason I was upset was because I got an e-mail saying that a convention on August I wanted to go to had to be cancelled. It never gets any easier hearing about something I wanted to go to (or something other people were looking forward to) being cancelled, it can be so heartbreaking, even if it only is for this year and it’ll be back next year. As I said before, some conventions have been pushed back to late ‘20-early ‘21, but that still feels like such a long time to hold out for. I’ve recently made a post-quarantine bucket list, which consists of doing some of the stuff I enjoyed doing before and miss right now, and going to new places I just discovered (like a bar in Melbourne called Robot bar, which is a Japanese bar with anime night on Tuesdays!).
I’m also worried about my homework I have to do while schools are closed because it’s piling up and I don’t know where to start. I’ve had to attend online meetings to get assignments, but lately I haven’t been invited to a few and missed out on the information. Beforehand I already had overdue assignments and I didn’t know what they were, so right now I’m just really confused and I don’t think I can do this. My options are to either have a tutor or someone like that to help me get organized and get the work done, or withdraw from this semester and just re-enrol in the next one.
I also feel like right now I need to catch up on projects I’ve been wanting to do but have kept putting off such as writing, and I feel pressured that this is my one chance to get it done so I can’t let it pass. I’m also trying to take this opportunity to be more grateful for the things I took for granted. I have a bad habit of taking things in life for granted, and then one day they’re gone. The lesson never seems to sink in with me, and those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
To end on a bit more of a positive note, I’ve at least been able to walk my dog more. We’ve been walking our two dogs most days, and it’s a good way to get a bit of exercise in each day.
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30-04-2020
08:54 PM
I’m sorry to not answer the question right now, but I just need to tell someone that I’m losing optimism right now. Lately I’ve been doubting if there can be an end to the pandemic at all, because it feels like bad things lately never end. Everything I had to look forward to in 2020 and beyond is being crushed one by one. I might have to withdraw from my art course because I can’t keep up with the work online and it’s not like there’s any point to having a certificate now if I can’t do anything with it. Not only can I not go to any conventions or other things that give me something to look forward to throughout the year, but it’s also looking like I’ll never get to see Japan or anywhere else in the world. I’m 21 years old, and it feels like my life is over. I dread having to wait for eight long, hard and miserable months. I feel like we’re in prison for doing nothing wrong. And I can’t just wait for next year either, because that’s not looking very bright for me either. I think that the virus may have ruined all my hopes and dreams for life. I haven’t been truly happy for years now, I can’t remember what it’s like to be carefree. All I want is to just live in the past where I can be happy forever.
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My Recent High Fives Received
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| Date Registered | 25-05-2019 08:18 PM |
| Date Last Visited | 28-10-2020 10:43 PM |
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